Me and my mum have NOTHING in common

[MrsSnape]

Me and my mum didn't used to have a great relationship but we have come closer over the past few years and now see each other around twice a week. Thing is, we have nothing in common and its starting to show.

If I phone her to tell her something I feel is important she gives a quick "oh right" and then starts rattling on about stuff she thinks is important, usually stuff to do with the house (i.e. "I've changed those red curtains to the blue curtains and moved that sideboard a few inches to the left and it makes such a difference....!) etc.

She also has a tendancy to go on and on and on about the past which often involved repeating the same stories over and over again. One story inparticular I swear she has told me around 30 times. I'm different, I like to talk about the present and the future.

Today I tried to engage in conversation by telling her how nervous I was about my karate grading (coming up soon) and she gave an uninterested "oh" and changed the subject to stuff like "remember that dog you used to have?"

I tried again by telling her that my university assignment was late and that I was worrying about it and again she just said "oh" and changed the subject. I told her I didn't know what course to do next and she tried to act interested by saying "are they all really hard? i dont know much about them" but I could tell she wasn't really interested.

I suppose I feel it more at the moment as I have no other adult to talk to about stuff. Nobody is interested in the karate (fair enough, its not everyones cup of tea) but I just feel like I have nothing in common with anyone which makes me feel a little isolated.

Does anyone else have this kind of relationship with their mum?

[luckylady74]

Sounds like my mum and my inlaws - perhaps it's a generation gap thing? My mum couldn't tell you what my degree is in, but could tell you in depth about my flooring!
Are you seeing too much of each other? I tend to give into the 'shopping monologues' from mil and just let them wash over me - I think it's a fair swap for looking afterthe kids when I go to the dentist and so on.
I would really try to not let it upset you because I think it's very hard to change this sort of thing. Hopefully you've got other people who are interested?

[PersonalClown]

Me and my mum would not speak if I didn't have Ds.
We are complete opposites. I'm quite punk/rock/alternative and my mother is definately a chav.
She blames me for ruining her life by being born.
We don't even speak on the phone. When she collects my ds for the day, it's only small talk.
I'm learning not to care. She'll never be the mother I want/need her to be and I'm definately not the daughter she expects.

Ho hum.

[HappyWoman]

I have a very poor relationship with mine. I wish it could be different but i really do not have the same opinions on any level or topic.

It used to really upset me but now i have come to accept it. It upsets me more that my dad has to 'put up' with her - at least i was able to escape.

If there is no feeling there for her you cannot make it. You dont have to like your parents at all - I jsut sort of thought you 'should' and that it was wrong to not love your parents.

I have a great relationship with my dad though we are so much more alike.

[BroccoliSpears]

I think my relationship with my parents sounds very similar to what you describe Mrs S. They're simply not interested in my life / friends / hobbies / business. But then I find all their stuff pretty boring too. It irks me that they're more overbearing so I end up hearing all about their dull stuff while they don't bother to feign interest in mine. I figure I can't change them. It's hard though. Sympathies. It gets me down sometimes too. They bloody well should be interested, they're my parents!

[MrsSnape]

Thanks for the replies. The situation went further downhill this morning when I phoned to let her know I'd found a house in the area I want to be in...she was totally uninterested and started going on about my auntie's partner's mother that has died. Yes it's sad of course but I didn't know her at all, never even met her and I don't even think my mum had met her!

I tried again with the karate thing telling her my son may be able to grade in march and she changed the subject onto herbal tea , I changed the subject myself and told her I'd applied for another job and she sighed and grunted "oh" and then begrudgingly asked "where's this one then?" but I just started to get upset/angry at this point so brushed it off as unimportant so she started going on about the herbal tea again. I changed the subject and reminded her that the kids open nights were last night and she snapped "you're always changing the subject!"

All in all another bad conversation and I came off the phone feeling quite down. I don't have anyone at all that is interested in my life, no friends (apart from one that just takes the piss), not speak to other family members much and I have no partner.

I know I shouldn't let it get to me but it would be so nice just to have a conversation with someone who had similar interests to me

[warthog]

can you make friends with people in your karate class?

[queenrollo]

i was going to ask the same question as warthog.

i'm assuming you don't find it easy to make friends?

i have a similar relationship with my mother, except she just doesn't talk about anything. especially the past which has caused problems for me as there are things i need to discuss. does your mother work? or is she at home all the time?
i've now reduced my contact with my mum to a phone call about once a fortnight, when she usually talks about my son who she has one day a week (i don't see her on this day, my ex drops my son off).

you have my sympathies.....i have friends who are like best mates with their mums, always out for coffee and lunch and i feel a bit sad that it will never be like that with my mum, but have just accepted it never will be.

[ally90]

My mother didn't have any interest in me unless I had gossip for her about people we knew or sometimes I would wildly exagerate my collegues behaviour at work to get her to show some interest in me and my job. It did feel like we had nothing in common. I think what was actually missing was empathy from my mother I think you can have a good conversation with most people if you at least show interest in what you have to say and listen and vice versa. And its very saddening and frustrating when your own mother cannot show that interest in your life.

Perhaps try to concentrate on getting to know people in your area, join a club where there is a creche facility, toddler/baby groups, there will be someone you can relate to in the end, but it can take persistance which is hard when your feeling discouraged.

[ally90]

Mrs Snape, I always seem to kill your threads...

However, I really feel for you. Your mother should be interested in you, she really should be. The fact she cannot have what is basically a normal conversation you would have with a normal friend, ie both listen in turn and both take an interest is a fault in her, not in you having nothing in common with her. My mother too had no interest in me and it hurt because if anyone should care about you and what you have to say it should be your mother. And it sends you a very powerful message/invitation when they do show no interest ie if my mother doesn't like me then who will? I guess you feel you are closer to your mother because you speak to her more often now. But is it real closeness? Does she know how you feel? How you feel about her as a mother? How you would like things to change? The fact is you will forever be stuck in this rut with her until you change, because you will be waiting a long time for your mother to change.

Perhaps some therapy/self help books would help you make some changes? And I don't mean that in 'your not nice' way, I don't know you, I mean in changes of how you view yourself, your life and your relationships.

I'm sorry if I'm not saying what you want to hear, but I really think it worthwhile you come onto the stately homes thread. Even if your mother is the only person in your life right now you can talk to on the phone, is this in itself not bringing you away from becoming a happier person?

I also feel, just from the snippets I have ie your mother does not listen, that she was not a good enough mother for you when you were a child. So again, the stately homes thread is for you.

[onlygirl]

i dont have a good relationship with my mum or my dad i havent seen or spoke to either of them for about 4 or 5 weeks not because we fell out or anything. feel a bit out of place around them but i feel like if they cant be bothered with me or my kids then thats up to them.

[colditz]

i WILL LET YOU I(sorry) in on a secret I only learned last year.

your mother is not the best judge of your character and interests just because she is your mother.

I used to think I was a very boring person who was really bad at holding people's interest.

I'm not. I might be a bit boring, and i might not be good at holding people's interest, but I am not as boring as my mother showed me I was. It said far mor about her than it did about me.

I am afraid the only cure is to keep trying with people. try and try and try until you find some people you click with. You will need her less, and the conversations you have with her will feel less loaded with unfulfilled potential.

[micegg]

My mum and I are a bit like this but to a lesser extent. We get on well but I find I have to be careful. My mum has many good points and has had quite a difficult life but she has a very negative view of life and tends to assume the worse will happen at all times. I have to stop myself from being the same way as its what I have been bought up with. Its only since I have been with DH that I have made this link. The reuslt is that I now dont tell her too much which in some ways is very sad.

I have acheived alot in my life, way beyond what anyone expected. I have a degree from a good university and a professional job, I am happily married to a lovely man who is successful in his own right and I am pregnant with baby 2. I honestly dont think my mum could tell you what my degree is in and certainly never asks me about my job. I am about to start maternity leave and she has already made comments about 'i've got a family so i can't have a career'. I know much of this is a generational comment but there is also part of her (I suspect) that would love me to end up in a series of dead end jobs like she has done. Feel terrible for saying that though but it's what I feel.

She just never seems to be happy with her lot and maybe she has her reasons for that but it can be utterly soul destrying to talk to her some times. We all have our bad days and I suspect that I am more inclined to be like that because its what I have grown up with but I am slowly learning to change my behaviour. When I am feeling a bit down I try to avoid talking to her or if i do i keep quiet as it just encourages her to be more nagtive herself.

I am on a roll now..... but the other aspect to this is that I find we get a sort of role reversal going on. She has got herself into some serious financial problems recently which I to be honest was purely to her spending too much money on nothing in particular rather than losing her job or something like that. Over the last year I have bailed her out on sevral occassions (probably about £1000). I am not in a position to do it and have even borrowed money on my own credit card to help her. It just feels somehow wrong as though I am the parent and she is the child.

All creates alot of pressure on our relationship. The changing topics things is the same with my mum as well. It sometimes feels she is not interested unless I have some doom and gloom story to share.

The only advice I can offer is to look at whats wrong and accept you may not be able to change it if its inherently part of her personality (like the negativity is for my mum) and try to be different for your DC. It may mean you dont have the relationship you want but you may also just not have the mother you want.

[evenhope]

I did my degree as a mature student (with 4 kids). I remember ringing my mum really excited after getting 85% for an essay, when the rest of the class got 50-60%. Mum said "hmm", then "are you managing to get your housework done?" (note my housework and not DH's housework...)

I wonder if this is partially a generational thing? Mine will witter on about people I don't know, and painting the livingroom. I also find I'm not terribly interested in the minutiae of my DD (22)'s Tai-Kwon-Do when I speak to her on the phone

[expatinscotland]

You've got 50% of your genetic material in common.



Sorry, couldn't help it.

[cupsoftea]

Mrs Snape I was on your giving lifts thread - in case it's interesting for you... www.mumsnet.com/Talk/2724/466850?stamp=080221223222

[tryingfortwo]

yes, I happened to mention to my mum re high 90% marks I have been getting in essays for course I'm doing to which she replied - oh well, better than failing everything as usual?!?!?!!! And I've got a good relationship with my mum.

As for stories being told and retold, I think its an age thing, I sometimes have to remind her and my dad that I did actually live in the same house as them for a good part of my life and so the stories they are re-telling - I WAS BLOODY THERE!!!

Mums are crap and I am one so I can speak with authority.

As for karate - I wouldn't be listening either, no offence, but nearly anyone who doesn't actually take part in karate themselves would be thinking of something else when you were telling them your karate stories. I've got hobbies like that too, I know no-one is actually listening but I tell them anyway and sometimes to be evil I ask them questions about what I've just said, they never know the answer. So don't take it personally.

[sher12]

It's the same thing with my mum. We have always had a complicated relationship for some reasons like not agreeing on stuff and her being the parent and all. In some situations it was hard for me to understand and forgive her especially when she did things like rejecting the guy I was dating (who for the record was a really nice guy) and also not supporting me in anything related to sports and arts. After I broke with my boyfriend of almost 4 years and also went to live on my own, things got a little better funnily enough.

However I think that people don't genuinely change unless they really want to and my mum seems to keep falling into that nasty habit of expecting respect and not giving it back. Unfortunately you end up either accepting the situation or just walking away from it all. It hurts but not everyone gets fun loving parents.

[AgentJohnson]

Banging your head against this particular brick wall helps you how? You’re at University, get out of your comfort zone and meet people. Waiting for people to come to you isn’t proactive.

[HelloDeidre]

I have been battling with the same problem I have one friend who has a bad relationship with her Mom but lets it wash over her and phones her Mom every week and lets her go on and on . I on the other hand have tried to point out the situation on my weekly calls to my mother . But wonder if I should bother ..MY mother is widowed and in her 70s .Only yesterday I rang her and she complained for 30 minutes about her internet connection , and another 20 minutes about an neighbour . She complains that she has no one to do anything for her ..yet she has neighbours and relatives who live near by and are constantly helping her . I on the other hand am single and live in a large city and really do have no one. (i'm in my 50s) ..yet every phone call is about her or is nasty gossip about our relavives and her neighbours .If I brought up something about me she would just change the subject. I got so mad yesterday as she wont go to my uncles funeral( my fathers brother) which is a plane ride away and my brother and sister who are going would accompany her .Her own brother, my uncle lives nearby and is dying of heart failure and only has one daughter to help look after him and she is carrying the burden yet my mother does not help out in any way ..I suggested she go to the hospital to visit him when his daughter cant and she said that he didn't need anyone at the hospital and she visited him once already ..6 weeks ago when I was visiting (I live abroad) and she came with me...
I think she is just selfish . The thing is I want to take a step back . I live in another country to get away from her. But I have been very good in the years since my father died ..ringing her and listening to all her problems..spending all my holidays with her .BTW she would never ring me as she wouldnt want to spend the money (her words)

I think maybe some people are just the way they are and wont change and you look like the bad guy if you point it out to them...but is hard to have a one way relationship with your mother even if you have pointed out the truth of how you feel

I am thinking of ringing her just every fortnight but I will be the worst in the world if I change the status quo.MY other siblings dont get on with her either but they do the minimum contact

What scares me most is she expects me as I am the eldest and single to look after her when she is old and frail ...just be there and sacrifice my job or my retirement

[ChocOrCheese]

OP - I have similar. I just don't bother trying to tell her anything now. In fact I actively avoid telling her anything. Fortunately she loves to talk so I just listen and feign interest. It sucks, but she won't change and I have had enough of fretting over it.

I hope you can find some friends to share things with.

[crazyhead]

I have this with my Dad a lot ( my mum is no longer alive which probably makes me notice it - I am older than you OP). He just endlessly talks over me even when I have really wanted to share important stuff and can be disparaging. I tried to think about it from my Dad’s perspective and I think that part of it may be a mismatch of expectations. He’s from a big family and I think still feels so desperate to be ‘heard’ that he competes when I talk - i’ve found that if i go for a walk with him and really put myself into a listening role then somehow it does help the dynamic a lot and he also becomes mes a bit more receptive. I just don’t think he CAN be the in cliched listening parent role with me. I also wonder if he’s needing me to replace something lost when Mum died. Plus I wonder whether some of my stuff is hard to hear because I have had educational and other opportunities he didn’t and that it arouses a kind of competitive/anxious thing in him. I have also thought about what i’ve brought to it. when I’ve felt really annoyed by him. I can see how I can become quite quickly remote and standoffish which probably makes stuff worse. Anyway, it’s helped me to think that way - but in my case my dad is a really loving and kind man who just doesn’t do listening well; so I think I need to let go of expectations about how that exchange ‘should’ be. Obviously this approach works with a loving/loved parent that just is rubbish in this particular way, rather than a more unpleasant relationship

[crazyhead]

Ps sorry for typos

[SilverySurfer]

I felt the same re my DM but even more so with my sister. DM and DSiS were/are both Taureans. I know people say astrology is rubbish and I agree but I do find the traits for the signs pretty accurate. Bull in a china shop is an apt description. They both had boundless energy, did ten things at once, never stopped moving and doing whereas my DF and I were content to sit and read or listen to the wireless and potter about the garden. My Dsis may as well come from another planet for all that we had in common and now as adults in our 70s, we speak once a year at Christmas.

After my DF died I stayed with my DM for a week and quite frankly it's a miracle that we didn't murder each other.

[AFistfulofDolores1]

MrsSnape - What if you were to accept the fact that your mother will never change?

If you were to accept that, what would you do differently? What would you stop doing?

"Hope" has an uncanny knack of keeping us enslaved. Giving up hope often creates more options.

[CantStopMeNow]

Everybody can find something in common - if they want to
Your mum just isn't interested in you.....she's only interested in using you to massage her ego.

Your dynamic is almost identical to the one i used to have with my older sibling.
Like you, i also used to think it was me who was in the wrong in some way....until i made a note of how our conversations went.
Anytime i mentioned anything to do with me i'd get a monosyllabic, grey rock technique reply - then she'd talk about herself.
This would happen every single time i tried to talk about me - and these phone calls would last upto an hour!
I started by letting her talk about herself first - but limited it to 5 mins and then i would keep bringing the convo back to me.

The 2nd to last phone conversation we had, as soon as she 'dismissed' me and launched into her monologue i replied "Stop right there - i want to finish what i'm talking about first".
She made some excuse to get off the phone.

The last phone conversation, i did the same except this time i was more blunt "Why do always dismiss what i say and then ignore it? My life matters too but all you do is talk about yourself. i suggest you pay for a counselor if all you want to do is talk AT people"
I put the phone down when she started spluttering whilst trying to shout me down.

That was almost a decade ago and i went NC with her.
She's a complete and utter narcissist.
We share the same blood and that's all we have in common.
I wouldn't choose her as a friend.

Perhaps you need to assert similar boundaries with your mum?