Need some honest 'outside' advice. (long post)

[3kids1cat]

Hi all, not posted on here before but am doing so in desperate need of advice from people who aren't in my family, but may be in similar circumstances.
I met my dp 3 and a half years ago whilst on a weekend away with my sisters. He lived in the north, I in the south. There was amazing chemistry, and we swapped numbers. At the time I was in a very unhappy, violent and abusive relationship with the father of my first 2 children, feeling totally unhappy and trapped. My now dp started to call and text and over 6 months of talking on the phone, while my ex was at the pub, we got to know each other. After 6 months we met up, and I realised quickly that I had fallen in love with him. He never put any pressure on me but gave me the courage, strength and support to leave my relationship. I did it, which wasn't easy. Had to claim money from the dss to survive, went through months of court with my ex over him seeing the kids. Eventually things settled down, I was happy living alone with my 3 and 6 year old and having a long distance relationship with my dp. We saw each other every other weekend. He had a good job, posh city centre apartment and busy social life, and although my life as a single mum in a small rented house was very different, things were good. 18 months after meeting I fell pregnant. He said he wasn't ready for a child and as I wasn't 100% sure how serious the relationship was we decided I should have an abortion.
We got to the point where we were seeing each other almost every weekend,and my kids were devoloping a relationship with him. A year ago I found out I was pregnant again and although we weren't living together I knew for sure that I wanted to have the baby. My dp wasn't as sure but said he was happy. Throughout my pregnancy I was saying we should think about moving in together. I said I was prepared to move up north with him but he said we should buy a house together in my home town. I spent the first 8 months alone during the week and saw him at weekends if he wasn't out with friends. 3 weeks before my due date, we hadn't moved house, so he moved some of his stuff into my rented 2 bed house. I had our daughter, she is beautiful and he adores her. My problem is, he still works up north 3 days a week so stays up there in his apartment( which he calls a batchelor pad) that he still hasn't put on the market. The rest of the time he is here in my cramped 2 bed house, he pays nothing towards my rent or bills because he still has all those outgoings himself up north. Although his wages are twice as much as I live on.
I feel we are living separate lives. His life seems to have changed very little, whilst I am back to being stuck in the house with a baby instead of working. He still has nights out and weekends away with friends who he's never suggested I get to know. My 7 yo ds and 4 yo dd are sharing a small room and our 7mo dd's cot is in our room. I have told him we need to move to a bigger house but he still seems reluctant after all this time. The other day after a big row I said I'd give him a month to sort something or I would move into another rented house on my own with the kids. I really don't want to split up with him , I love him more than anything, but don't feel like he's commited to a life with me and our kids at all. One of my sisters told me to hang on and give him time to get used to being a family, the other says he's had long enough and I should take control and move my life forward myself. I just don't know what to do. I'm starting to get really down about it all, and don't think I have the strength to be on my own with 3 young children. Am I being unreasonable or is he???? Really need advice.

[nametaken]

Oh dear I'm afraid I don't have any answers for you except that I don't really think that either of you are being unreasonable, you just both want different things.

Does he not make any financial contribution towards the house he lives in at week-ends and for his baby? I mean, if your feeding him, what money are you using? I only ask this because my sister was in very similar situation to you and we found out that he wasnt giving her any money - she was feeding him and keeping him using the money from benefits which was really allocated for her children. If this is whats happening to you then yeah, I would be really annoyed.

If he has to go up North in order to work, would it help you if you rented a larger place where you are so at least you could all be comfortable at the week-end. Really this is the absolute minimum that he should be prepared to do.

Honestly if this were me (and I know thousands of women are not like me) I would just come straight out with it and say "look, either we're a proper family unit or were not - which is it to be".

Could it be that his finances won't stretch to running 2 homes?

[Saturn74]

It does sound like you are living two separate lives.

Why is he not prepared to commit to you, and move you and the children up to where he lives, so he can continue his job?

Or move down to where you live, and change jobs?

Surely he wants to be with his DD on a full-time basis?

I think you need to have a very frank conversation about how you both perceive the relationship, as you seem to be getting a very rough deal at the moment.

He is having his cake and eating it.

And perhaps he is shocked by the changes in his personal circumstances, and is having trouble adjusting to being a father, but frankly, he is responsible for his DD, and he needs to bite the bullet and grow up.

You didn't have any option but to cope, did you? Why should he get away with living life as if nothing has changed?

I think you need to be firm and confident about what you want from him.

Good luck

[Saturn74]

bump

[ChristmasShinySnowflakes]

At very least he should be contributing towards the upkeep of his daughter.

It sounds to me like he wants the best of both worlds- his 'bachelor' life and the fanily bit when he feels like it!

Whether he realises it or not, it sounds to me like it's time for him tyo make some changes; to get him to do that I think you're going to have to pretty much lay things on the line to him....

[magsi]

I'm with the general consensus on here. Its time HE made some sacrifices and proove his commitment to you. Get strong and have that talk.

[llareggub]

Hang on, you've never met his friends? have you met his family?

[Winetimeisfinetime]

If you haven't met his family are you sure he doesn't have another relationship up North which would explain his not moving in with you?

[ChristmasShinySnowflakes]

I'd be checking the online electorol roll at his main home if I were you....

[jasper]

I feel very sorry for you as this can't be at all easy.Bringing up three kids including a baby is hard even in the most ideal circumstances.

How long was it after you terminated your first pregnancy with dp that you got pg again? Was it a planned pregnancy?(on your part)
I ask because I am trying to see things from his point of view. He made it clear he did not want a baby first time round. Did he change his mind?Did you get pg on purpose to force his hand?

Not judging at all, just looking for more information to try to see what might be going on in his head.

[Tanee58]

Hi 3Kids1kat, I am so sorry you are in this predicament - it must be a huge pressure to have 3 children and paying for everything yourself.

I have to go with what the others have said, - he has a child, he should be supporting her financially, not just 'adoring' her. Supporting her includes a contribution towards your bills - after all, you are providing a roof over her head, clothes, food, etc etc. He can't just use your home as a free lodging when he's earning so much more than you.

I have to say your account rang warning bells though. You keep saying that you were pushing for living together, for having the baby, but he wasn't sure, he didn't want you to move north. This really suggests that he didn't want to put the relationship on a permanent footing and I'm VERY suspicious of the fact that he doesn't involve you in his social life, and that he doesn't visit you if he has to see friends. His friends shouldn't and wouldn't come first if he really felt committed to you as his partner.

I'm really sorry, but I would insist on meeting his friends - and if he resisted, I would be checking the electoral register, too. I once did this with a similar BF who never let me know his exact address or introduced me to anyone in his circle. He even lied about the road he lived on, but I spotted his car in a neighbouring road and, sure enough, his name was registered on that road, WITH a woman's name.

They can be very cunning - do be careful.

[3kids1cat]

Hi, thanks for all your advice, fortunately I have been to his home and met all of his family a number of times so I know he's not leading a double life. (He's struggling with one woman so doubt he'd want two) His family are lovely but I get the impression they're not sure just how serious our relationship is either. His mum had 7 children and none of their dad's ever lived with her, she doesn't even live with her husband now, which I think may be a contributing factor as to why my dp doesn't see this situation as wrong.

I am getting very fed up of things though. I've told him he has a month to sort things out and prove that its me and our children he wants to be with. I do worry that maybe I wanted this relationship more than he did, but in the beginning it was him that was doing all the chasing, I don't feel I put any pressure on him to be with me. All I want now is to know where I stand, and what he wants. If he didn't want to be with me I'd be devastated, but at least I'd know and I could move forward making a stable life for my kids. I've tried talking to him on the phone about it this week but he just says he's too tired and we'll talk at the weekend. Don't know where to go with the situation at all.

[alittleone2]

Message withdrawn

[3kids1cat]

That's the problem you see, when he's here, he is helpful. He'll help with cooking, shopping, getting up to our daughter if she wakes in the night etc. And when he's here and we talk, he can say all the right things,and we get on so well that I forget about the rubbish situation. Then he goes back off to work and my reality hits and I get upset and cross with him.

I don't think he has any idea how hard it is for me on my own, but the worst thing is I can cope with all the practical stuff, it's the being lonely and having no one there for me I find hard.
I just want him to want me the way I want him. I know that sounds pathetic but it's true

[Tanee58]

I think you will have to be firm with him and tell him what you've told us. Write it down if you're not sure you'll be able to get it all out. You have to BOTH want the same things in your relationship, otherwise it just won't work longterm. It seems highly likely his family background has led to him finding this a 'normal' way to live - but it's not making you happy - good luck!

[NAB3wishesfor2008]

This can't work long term as it isn't what you both want.

You sound like a very strong woman who needs to work out what is best for herself and her kids and if he isn't feeling the same then it may be bye bye time.