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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Need to get this off my chest

19 replies

Confessing · 29/01/2008 14:36

Sorry this is long:

I was unfaithful to DH just a couple of weeks before I discovered I was pregnant with my beautiful DD now aged one. Although the other guy had used a condom I spent my pregnancy with the worry that it may not be DH's baby. I never said anything to him a the time as I wanted her to be his baby, thought she almost certainly was and didn?t want to spoil a magical time in his life (as well as mine) for the tiniest chance she wasn't.

I know what I did was wrong and don't want to make excuses. To give you an idea of the circumstances DH and I had spent several years trying for a baby. It was undoubtedly putting a huge strain on our relationship and he was also working away a lot and long hours which made me feel I was bearing the brunt of the stress on top of the usual monthly ups and downs that go with trying (and failing) to conceive. One weekend when DH was working an old friend (we've always had a chemistry between us) invited me out for lunch. I went along to spend a wonderful lunch talking, flirting and feeling like myself again instead of a failure. At the time it was nice to feel desirable, sexy (as opposed to sex being all about timings and optimum positions) and womanly (after all the poking and prodding and fertility investigations). One glass of wine led to another, I went back to his place and we ended up in bed. I didn't even really enjoyed the sex (just the build up to it). I didn't particularly want to do it when it got to the moment, but felt that I'd gone too far to stop.

I didn't say anything to DH immediately afterwards as I knew it had been a mistake and wasn't going to happen again. Then I found out I was pregnant. Whilst delighted after all the trying, for me it was tinged with worry. I felt this was my punishment and have never told him - and never intended to. She is definitely his.

We've been very happy as a couple and as a family ever since. I believe DH would forgive me the unfaithfulness if he knew. However, lately we were talking about openness and honesty. He said how important this is to him. I guess it has got me thinking about whether I should be honest about this. I still feel I was right not to impose all the worry onto him while I was pregnant - and now it seems too late to say anything - but equally I don?t want there to be this big secret between us.

?

OP posts:

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ThePettyandIllinformedGoat · 29/01/2008 14:38

tell him, if you want to break up the relationship and really hurt your dp. i think you have to live with the guilt.

branflake81 · 29/01/2008 14:40

In my experience, secrets rarely stay hidden. Imagine how he would feel if it were all to come out years down the line, especially if the baby is not his? There are many unforseen circumstances that cause a secret to be revealed and I think sometimes it's best to get everything out before that happens.

I can understand why you don't want to say anything and obv it's your choice. but - let's face it - there IS a chance the baby's not his, much as you want it to be - and that's a HUGE thing to keep hidden.

pageturner · 29/01/2008 14:41

Agree with ThePettyandIllinformedGoat, don't tell him now. After all this time, the effect would be devastating.

warthog · 29/01/2008 14:42

is it possible he knows? seems strange to say out of the blue that honesty and openness are really important. or has that conversation been going on for a while?

ElenyaTuesday · 29/01/2008 14:42

What will you achieve by telling him? Will you feel any better? Will he?

Frankly, I don't think you should tell him - it will only bring misery to you all and possibly break up your family. You should treat your guilt as a kind of penance which will stop you making the same mistake again.

pageturner · 29/01/2008 14:43

Hmm, x-post with branflake. I was assuming that you are right and the baby is your dh's. But if there is any chance that she isn't, then it's a whole different story.

Do you still see this friend? If you do, that's likely to make this secret more difficult to keep...

Fireflyfairy2 · 29/01/2008 14:47

How are you so sure the baby is dh's?

If you are certain she is dh's then I wouldn't tell him about the one night stand.

Though you say it was with a friend... are you sure dh doesn't already suspect?

nobodysfool · 29/01/2008 14:50

confessinfg

Sorry if this sounds harsh but how do you know your dd is your dh's?
If you slept with two people in the same month it can obviously be either one.
My friend found out a few years ago that his dd (5 years old) wasn't his.He was obviously devastated.The child even looked like him.He wanted to still be the girls daddy but could't forgive his wife as she had let him believe she was his.
Do you think your dh suspects something as he has been talking about honesty and faithfullness?
I hope for all three of your sakes this gets resolved in one way or another.

mrsruffallo · 29/01/2008 14:55

I wouldn't tell him- and get this friend out of your life

Confessing · 29/01/2008 14:56

Thanks for the candid responses.

I haven't seen the friend since it happened and have no plans to do so. We pretty much ended the friendship that day.

DD is definitely my DH's - she looks this image of him and I am glad every time I look at her that she does. Also the other guy was a different race - so I don't think there would be any hiding it. Obviously it would be very different if she wasn't DH's and he have to know and make his own choices.

The very last thing I want to do is hurt DH. We've been very happy as a family (and a couple since the strain of ttc lifted). He is a wonderful father and I am very thankful about how things ended up.

I think you are right and the guilt I feel is some thing I must deal with as my punishment. I don't really see that he'd find out. Only me and the guy know what happened and he isn't on the scene any more. I don't think DH knows or has any idea. The comments about openess came from another discussion (about a situation of my SIL's).

I think I just needed to get another opinion and literally get it off my chest.

OP posts:

NKF · 29/01/2008 14:57

Don't tell him.

DaDaDa · 29/01/2008 15:00

I wouldn't want to know. It would devastate me.

Confessing · 29/01/2008 15:03

I know I must sound like such a selfish cow - I suppose it was really. I don't want DH to suffer even a moment of pain at all as a result of my stupidity.

OP posts:

MeMySonAndI · 29/01/2008 15:27

Don't tell him, one thing you can be sure of is that things won't change for the better. If DD is definitively his, I don't think you should rock the boat.

Hassled · 29/01/2008 15:31

I actually think that telling him would be quite a selfish act - it would make you feel better (less guilty) but would destroy him. You made a mistake, you've suffered enough for it - move on and just enjoy your family.

branflake81 · 29/01/2008 15:44

Is there any way you could find out if DD is genetically his without his knowledge (forgive my ignorance, not sure how these things work). If she is, don't tell him, if not - well, you'd have to reconsider imho.

Baffy · 29/01/2008 15:57

Sounds like dd is definitely his then, so my advice - don't tell him.

This guilt is something you will have to live with forever. That is your punishment. That's enough. Telling him will only make him suffer too.

You are a happy family, and telling him will devastate all of you.

(This is coming from someone who used to belive that I would 100% want to know everything, no matter what. Having since been in the position of finding out something equally awful, I can tell you, I would rather not know. For definite.)

I know people may say he has the right to know, then the right to then decide if he still wants to be with you etc...

What I would say is that you made a horrendous mistake. You're only human. You are living with the guilt every day. And most of all, you have learnt from it and will make sure that you never do anything that could hurt your family or your dh ever again. That is the best outcome you could hope for in the circumstances.

Confessing · 29/01/2008 18:04

Thank you for helping me make up my mind. It has also reinforced what a crappy thing it was to do. I should never have been unfaithful in the first place - though I didn't imagine for one moment that would be the month after 3+ years of trying I'd finally fall pg.

In a strange way I almost feel that that mistake helped me get pg (though thankfully not directly). It made me feel desirable and sexy again - instead of a medical mystery with unexplained infertility which was the point we were at. Sex actually improved with DH afterwards and it reminded me that there is more too having sex than just conception.

Thanks for listening to all of this. It helps me deal with it to 'voice' my thoughts and I agree with Hassled that telling DH might make me feel better, but at his expense.

OP posts:

MotherFunker · 29/01/2008 18:06

Don't say a word. Move on.

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