Don't want to beg ex-dp to come back, nor simply let family come apart without a fight. What's the dignified middle ground?

[MoreHoumousPlease]

My partner and I split up a few months ago. We'd been together for 11 mostly happy years, and have a lovely little boy. If we didn't have our son, I think we'd let the relationship go indefinitely - we'd had an horrendous year preceeding the split. And my ex has one or two longstanding niggles (mostly in the grass-is-greener vein) which haven't gone away and need to be explored/dealt with. So time apart, for now or forever, is probably a good thing ...

BUT, my gut feeling is that, because we have a child - and encouraged by the fact that we still love each other and have had a mostly happy, if somewhat feisty, relationship - we do everything we can to make our relationship work again before writing it off. But this isn't happening. Ex-dp is open to checking in in a few months to see if there's scope for us getting back together, but he's very "I'll see how I feel at the time" - blaze - about it. I think we owe ds - all of us - a more serious, concerted effort.

Pleading, pressuring, obliging a partner into staying is never pretty and rarely successful. And I don't want ex-dp to come back and feel he is "making do" with me. But I won't simply stand back and let our family come apart either. What's the self-respecting middle ground? What can I do, on my own, to satisfy myself that I'm doing everything I can to revive our relationship and family - without undignified begging?

Thanks, ladies.

[Karen999]

Could you try Relate or something similar? Sometimes having a third party listen to both sides can help.

[titchy]

Well as you;ve said begging ain't gonna work, so you have to let him have his I'll see attitude. However could you suggest that having had say 3 months of you both living apart (I assume you are both living apart, otherwise what's the point), you agree to say 4 Relate sessions with a view to at the end of the sessions looking at the future and what you both want from it.

If things don;t work out, don't balm yourself - remember it takes two to make a relationship and therefore two to try and make it work.

[titchy]

Oops - don't BLAME yourself - do balm yourslef - in lots of very expensivve bath oil!

[MoreHoumousPlease]

Thanks. Got to dash to pre-school to collect ds, but will check in again in a bit ...

[MoreHoumousPlease]

Bump.

[MoreHoumousPlease]

Double bump.

[Layla17]

I would definitley try Relate.

Having had some time apart is it not worth trying to make a go of it now without waiting? What do you want to do?

[Pannacotta]

If you dont mind me asking, what are his niggles?
Sounds like you both still love each other so not quite sure whay are are splitting? Maybe he has an unrealistic notion of relationships and having a child together and the implications of that, perhaps he cant quite see the long term view,not tsure how you can go ahead on that though.
Am sure decent help/Relate def worth a go.

[TLV]

well i can definitely say begging/pleading etc does not work (tried that even tho everyone told me not to) now i'm just getting on with things, we are doing relate tho it was initially for me thru gp as I needed to come to terms with dh walking out on me and my daughter. He is coming with me and the counsellor suggested he stay over once a week on the sofa to see more of dd as he is living with his mum (not sure why he didn't take dd there as she has the room) anyway the obvious happened (as its happened before) we ended up sleeping together and him back in our bed.

Not sure what the dignified middle ground is and I will wait with baited breath to see what anyone else suggests but for me well i've bought some new clobber got a new hairdo, bought dd some lovely new clothes and just making sure we are happy generally, i hope one day he realises what he's losing/lost. Now when i sit and think about it i've had different reasons from him as to why he left

1. he didn't love me anymore

then

1. because we argued all the time (not true btw)

then

1. all bunch of other stuff like how we didn't go out or i didn't respect him.

I suppose i will never know

[HappyWoman]

Well i think relate is a good start - as even if you dont get back together you will be able to sort out all sorts of things like childcare issues that you may not have thought about.

If you really do want to make a go of it (and i ask because it really does take two and you need to be sure yourself), then i would suggest that you do tell him - thats not begging but stating your case - say that you love him and would like to see what changes you can make to help that.

I did this a couple of years ago and when i looked at myself i did not see a nice person most of the time, so i made a few changes.

I tried to make him feel special and loved (which he was - but the everyday mundane stuff always got in the way somehow).Just little things like cups on tea and food i knew he liked - all the things that he said irritated him i would try and address (and actually they were pretty easy really). He would like the house a bit tidier (yeah could do that) he likes candles (easy). Before you all shout and say you shouldnt have to change for a man - i do agree but actually i was doing this for me i stopped feeling angry and tried to go with the flow. something i read is to say sorry first - you dont have to back down just say that you are sorry that you argued and it was silly(which it usually is). Instead of the point scoring try and embrace each others differences.

in short become his perfect woman - you know him best and if still dosnt want you then he will be a fool and there will always be someone to snap you up.

If you this at least you will know that you did everything. if it does work then i would suggest trying to make sure things dont get so bad again and try new things.

Anyway good luck and let us know how it goes

[madamez]

It might help to try working on the new relationship between you, which is that of co-parents. Basically you are still family and there is no reason why you can't be pleasant to one another (OK in many cases there are reasons such as violence, dishonesty, mental illness etc, but I don't get the impression that is the case with you). Nothing you can do can make another person form or maintain a romantic couple relationship with you if that person does not want to be in such a relationship with you, but it's not a binary division between loving-couple and hate-your-guts.

[redadmiral]

As you say, there's not much you can do to force him to reconsider. You've been together 11 years, so would it be nice for you to do your own thing for a while? You now have total freedom without the guilt of having caused it. When my ex and I split, people kept implying that I had a new lease of life, and that can make people see you in a different light.

I read an article about a couple who split without much acrimony, and the woman got a flat of her own. They got back together, but I think she kept her own space (not recommending that as a possibility) and it worked well for them. After some time apart they made a conscious decision to work at it. (They also went to counselling.) Will try to find it later.

[redadmiral]

Well I've found it, and it's actually mostly about her getting a vibrator... Show how low my libido is at the moment that I didn't even notice that part. Link is here in case the rest of it is of any interest...

www.guardian.co.uk/family/story/0,,2164535,00.html

[TLV]

i started a thread which hasn't got much interest yet but i've heard of a book called the divorce remedy (i've decided to get it) why not get it too, apparently has some good reviews. Its worth a try as the author says she can help save the marriage even if the other partner is out the door so to speak but it also says it helps if it is the end of the marriage. Maybe we can swop notes

[MoreHoumousPlease]

Thank you all. Really helpful to me to gain some different perspectives. Am having a good old think about this. Hmm ...

Night ~