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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I've done it again!

11 replies

barmybird · 21/01/2008 20:21

I have got myself in a complete tangle again and can't seem to work out what I want/ don't want.

To cut a long story short I have a part time partner who I finished with just before christmas. I did this after much heartache as I just could not see a way forward for various reasons. I felt this was the right decision at the time but did miss him dreadfully, alot more than I expected to. He kept bombarding me with texts and calls saying he loved me and we could make this work. I guess things got to me and I contacted him and asked if we could try again. He was ecstatic and agreed immediately. For the first couple of weeks that has been fine. We are back to were we were and I have been enjoying his company. But already I can feel the old irritation creeping in. Its nothing major just sily things but its getting to me already. He is forever saying he loves me but I don't feel I can say it back although part of me does love him very much, he is a lovely guy.

I don't know what to do. I have alot going on at work at the minute and with my xh and dd. Life is full of stress and I don't know if that is making more sensitive.

I guess my concern is that already I feel irritated, but how do I deal with this. To end it again after I asked for another try just seems incredibly cruel and I did miss him so much. What a mess. Any thoughts?

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Looby34 · 21/01/2008 20:36

It does sound cruel but perhaps to let it go on any longer is more cruel as he will get more attached ?? Try and think of it this way - the sooner you guys split, the sooner it is he'll get over you and feel he can look for someone else ?? You're in a tough situation though, I know.

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barmybird · 21/01/2008 20:40

Oh god! I don't think I can. I feel awful. He knows how much I missed him and keeps telling me that I am the love of his life. It is just silly little things which are annoying me, may be we can sort it?? but how? I have tried before and things change for a little while but then revert back.

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pricklybells · 21/01/2008 20:41

Hi barmy, it seems to me like you are really confused. Maybe you could write down all the things about your dp that irritate you and then talk to him about.

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barmybird · 21/01/2008 20:51

I am confused. I did miss him so much more than I expected. I was thoroughly miserable without him, but god he irritates me! I feel awful saying anything to him. It all sounds so trivial.

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branflake81 · 22/01/2008 09:45

I think, reading between the lines, the reason you got back with him was because you didn't want to hurt him. Ultimately you will hurt him more by staying with him almost out of pity than genuine love. If you really felt the way you should, you would not be questioning yourself. I understand how you feel: I have done the same - and I ended up in a completely one sided and (for me) unhappy relationship for four (FOUR!) years as a result. Do the right thing and get out now before he gets more attached and you get more irritated.

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bananaknickers · 22/01/2008 09:50

Perhaps you feel like you don't deserve him for some reason. Why can't you say you love him back? You have said you do in your post.

Everyone gets irrated by their partners at times, though, don't they? Life is not plain sailing.

You also don't have to be married to go to relate. Go there if you want to make it work.

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AMumInScotland · 22/01/2008 12:48

One question, maybe not a very nice one.... are you sure you actually missed him, and not just having someone? If you're used to being in a relationship, no matter how unhappy it is, not being in one at all may feel strange and uncomfortable.

And, him being lovely, and you feeling affectionately towards him and his good qualities, is not the same thing as being in love with him, which may be why the words won't come out.

Feel free to ignore me or tell me I'm way off beam here, just throwing some thoughts into the mix...

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barmybird · 22/01/2008 20:24

Good point amuminscotland. I don't know if it was him I missed or being part of a couple. I know initially I was very happy on my own, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. But as time passed I kept thinking about him and missing his company. Was it his company or just any company I was missing I don't know. I did feel incredibly lonely.

I can't say the words because I am not sure I do love him. I know he is waiting for me to say it and I can feel the pressure.

Branflake I am sure you posted on the thread when I was trying to work out if/how to end it. The thought of being in the same situation in 4 years just horrifies me. I know it sounds shallow and Mills and Boon but I look at couples I know who seem to have that equal relationship and I'm envious. Yes he will give me a hug and tell me I am going to be fine but thats as far as it goes, then its back to me organising our lives, making all the decisions, helping him sort his work out etc. Just for once I would like to opt out and know there is someone there to catch me. Is that totally unrealistic?

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AMumInScotland · 23/01/2008 11:57

I commented on another thread about marriage being meant to be about "mutual support and comfort" - I know we're not talking about marriage here, but I think it applies to any serious relationship.

It's ok to go through periods where all the support seems to be going one way, but over time it ought to be some one way and some the other, and it doesn't sound like it ever is with him.

Only you can decide if life with him is better than life without him, but your comments on here sound like you were better off without tbh - "great weight being lifted" vs "god he irritates me". I know which I'd choose, but then I'm not you

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mistressmiggins · 23/01/2008 20:44

Barmybird

there are plenty of men out there who will catch you and support you 100%
you shouldnt be with this man if you are holding him up and dont want to.....

with my ex, I absolutely carried him - I had 3 children. He was emotionally supportive (until started his affair) but I was happy to do all the physical support.

having met my DP, I realise I deserved more and I have more. He is 100% emotional AND physically supportive. In fact I have to tell him to get out the kitchen so I can look after everyone and let him relax! This is new to him as he was the "do-er" in his marriage.

You dont have to settle - yes its lonely on ur own & no-one blames u for wanting company BUT you need to look after urself and if you are carrying this man, maybe its not for you

looking forward to seeing u for a girly chat in the local!!!

//[hugs]

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barmybird · 23/01/2008 21:21

Thanks both. Its just such a mess. I do like him, he is lovely but he is very dependent. He works in a part time job (because he likes his days off) which he hates, I spend ages trying to encourage him to get another job, I write his CV'S, application letters etc. I'm knackered! I work full time, have the main responsibility for dd and yet I am trying to help him!

But after I asked him if we could try again how do I now say 'sorry I have changed my mind'. I feel like a complete bitch.

Mistress Miggins its lovely to hear you sounding so positive. I will look forward to our night at the pub!