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Relationships

Furthermore to Tamz77's cancer fake boyfriend: more to the story, and would appreciate legal advice

91 replies

Tamz77 · 20/01/2008 16:36

OK, deep breath: I feel terrible asking for so much attention and advice from you ladies but there's more to my troubles with the boyfriend who just faked bowel cancer on me, by 'more' I mean that I loaned him money (I know, I know ) and until now I guess I was hoping he would do the honourable thing (haha) and at least contact me to reassure me he would repay it. How naive am I, eh. I've only told one friend in RL about this other aspect as I'm just so ashamed, can't even tell my dad who would know where I stand legally on this (being an ex policeman, as I said) as the money was savings that he originally gave me and he would be so disappointed in me if he knew I'd been just so damned stupid, also of course it was money he worked for and I've given it to some chancer I've known for a few months who did nothing to deserve it except tell me he loved me.

It's £5000. I feel like I've been f*ed for money for months to put it bluntly; ex probably didn't even fancy me. He said he had serious debt problems and was under threat of being evicted and his business going under (before he knew I had any savings) and I offered to help, obviously not wanting the man I loved (and his wee boy) to be homeless/penniless. On two other occasions he circuitously asked for help (once with an IT degree he had fallen behind on payments for, and once more to cover rent). It's a hell of a lot of money I know and I remember seeing him spend crazy money at Christmas on his son, and thinking that it was my money he was spending, but also thinking that this was shaping up to be a long term thing (despite my doubts, we were planning next summer holidays together, all that kind of thing) and kind of saw it as an investment in our mutual future, as well as simply looking after someone I cared deeply about who was in financial dire straits.

Anyway, that's the full story. Does anyone know where I stand legally on this point? Two days ago I thought it would be worth saying goodbye to the 5k and forgetting about it, for the sake of forgetting him quicker too, but I feel so sick about it, and also that I owe it to my son to try and get it back. I don't have much to offer him (no family, don't own our own home etc) and this money would of course have gone to him, one day.

I absolutely know how stupid, stupid, stupid I've been. These were all cash payments and the only evidence of any of them is one text exchange that I've saved (I don't ever save texts but this was some of the last contact between us once I had evidence he was lying about his hospital stay). With the last 'loan' I had told him I'd need it back shortly to cover my own rent, which is due next week . He knows this and I was hoping he'd come through on this one thing at least, but he's not been in touch at all, so that possibility (which was small to begin with) is now at level zero, really.

Is there anything the police could actually do about this if I were to go to them? I'm clutching at straws esp given lack of evidence but would it count as something like, obtaining money under false pretences?

Honestly I haven't slept since this has happened and the money thing is the main reason why. I could get over being cheated on by a liar quite easily I think, if I hadn't paid him to do it. I suppose I'm asking now if there's a police 'person' or a lawyer in the house at all.

God this is such a farce but mentally and physically it feels like it's killing me atm. Thanks again for reading, and for any help you can offer. I'm so ashamed and so grateful.

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TheBlonde · 20/01/2008 16:48

does the text exchange mention the total?

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betterhalf · 20/01/2008 16:51

I've got no advice sorry, but just wanted to say how sorry I am that such scumbags exist and prey on people, like he has with you. I hope there is something legally you can do about it, and that he is stopped from pulling such a dirty trick on anyone ever again.

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lulumama · 20/01/2008 16:53

£5000 is a lot

i would look at civil rather than criminal proceedings maybe, as the burden of proof is lower, IIRC

without a paper trail, it is your word against his, and although he has turned out to be a lying cheating bastard, without proof , it will be hard.

was there any schedule of repayments or payments made?

he would obviously argue it was a gift as you were together and building your future

tough one

you have my every sympathy

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spicemonster · 20/01/2008 16:54

Small claims court? My ex ran off with £1k of my money and I took him to the small claims court and he paid me back slowly but surely.

I didn't have any evidence but I'd imagine he didn't content it. He was a bastard but not that much of one.

I'd got and see the CAB if I were you.

Poor you - what a complete c**t this bloke is

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Blu · 20/01/2008 16:54

Do you have a brother?

In all honesty, I would be tempted to go round to his house with serious looking back-up, ask him for the money, and yell him if it is not forthcoming, his life, one way or another, will be amde hell...given you family connections...hintig heavily that he willhave the police on his backs with a vengeance.

But I know nothing of the legality of all this.

If you can bear to tell your Dad, he might be the person best disposed to go round and demand it back!

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Tamz77 · 20/01/2008 16:56

No it doesn't mention the total, in fact it only refers to £400, his rent money, and doesn't even mention that specifically. It's just me asking when I'm going to get my rent back and him replying "some time next week, I hope" (he'd told me his accounts had been frozen, for complex reasons). The other two payments were, firstly, £3000 which I offered out of the blue when he was getting so stressed about his money troubles, going to see his bank manager etc, and later £1500 for his degree (he 'needed' £3000 that time and I said I'd give him half). So to be precise it's £4,900.

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lulumama · 20/01/2008 16:58

i think Blu's advice is excellent

if your dad is ex old bill, he can help you, i am sure

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Blu · 20/01/2008 16:59

Do you have any texts about anything else he has lied about? Is any of his cancer fabrication on a text, voicemessage or note?

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NAB3wishesfor2008 · 20/01/2008 17:00

Assume everything he is saying is a lie and seek help from your family.

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Oblomov · 20/01/2008 17:00

Get a friend to seize any assets. It things are already frozen, this looks very bad, take anything while you get the chance. Small claims could take ages and he could have even less by then.

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Shaniece · 20/01/2008 17:02

Post this in the legal section too!

He sounds a complete tosspot.

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Tamz77 · 20/01/2008 17:04

Ha ha, my dad's in France, my brothers are all hundreds of miles away and we're not a close family anyway. I'm actually going for a coffee with DS's dad tonight to tell him about this. We've had a very troubled relationship since parting and I know it's going to cost me, emotionally, to tell him, but he's the only guy I know and might have some ideas of new angles to approach this from. He's always telling me I trust people too easily and is going to find out exactly how easily tonight! I've told him briefly I was going out with a serious conman but not any details. He'll probably give me a hard time but will be on my side, hopefully in some kind of practical way. Would rather do this cleverly and properly though than end up watching 2 exes having fisticuffs in the street lol (no I wouldn't actually let that happen, but DS's dad is quite good at ideas and tactics, much more savvy about life than I am).

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Tamz77 · 20/01/2008 17:06

I have part of the cancer story on text, him telling that yes it was cancer, that they had completely removed a cyst, that they had caught it early so that was good, and that he had to go back in 3 months.

Also have him saying - and I quote - why was I upset, he "couldn't, wouldn't and won't keep anything" from me.

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Desiderata · 20/01/2008 17:13

He's a professional confidence trickster by the sounds of it.

I would go to the police and give them the full story. They're pretty hot on this sort of thing, generally speaking.

You've nothing to lose ... and you might be surprised by their interest. I bet he's got form of some kind.

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LyraSilvertongue · 20/01/2008 17:16

It sounds like you have a good enough case to take him to the civil courts. The texts you've saved prove he's a liar and a conman, even if they don't mention specific amounts of money. He'd have to prove he does have cancer to prove that he's not a liar. That, of course, he can't do.

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LyraSilvertongue · 20/01/2008 17:17

Also, it's worth going to the police. He might have done this to other women. They might have a file on him. Your evidence could prove enough to prosecute him.

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warthog · 20/01/2008 17:18

i agree with going to the police.

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policywonk · 20/01/2008 17:19

Nail the bastard!

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BecauseImWorthIt · 20/01/2008 17:27

When you say they were cash payments, did you withdraw the money from your bank? And did he pay the money into his? In which case, there will be some evidence - your statement will show the money withdrawn and his will show the money paid in.

I hope so for your sake - what an utterly shitty thing he has done to you.

Definitely think you should go to the police about this. You never know what they can do, and there might be evidence against him from someone else.

Hope you make some progress.

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Blu · 20/01/2008 17:31

keep all evidence about him telling you he has cancer. Can you download it from your phone?

If DS's dad will be helpful after some 'told you so' stuff, then it seems a good idea to get some help.

Don't start grabbibg assets and then try a legal route - ypu will have shot yourself in the foot.

Assets will have ot be substantial, anyway to add to the debt with second hand value - and he could accuse you of theft.

But I don't know what harm simply asking him, assertively and firmly, with your ex in full view and your dad's police history alluded to - would do!

What a bastard.

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bellabelly · 20/01/2008 17:34

Can you get the local press involved? Sounds like he's depending on women being too embarrassed to step forward and admit they've been conned in this way. It's possible that other women might come forward if they read your story!

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mylovelymonster · 20/01/2008 17:39

You poor love - You shouldn't feel bad about yourself - you sound like a lovely warm caring person - and it's your ex who is a stupid greedy bastard. I would go straight to the police and report it - he may have done/do the same to others - and get advice as to how you can possibly get any of your money back. If the police are looking for him they might be able to advise you? Citizens advice bureau? Do you have info of withdrawals from your account? Your bank should help you look up/get copies of statements which might help. Any idea of his company name, or who he had the loan with that you helped to pay? - or maybe you think this was a lie too. Any information you have about him might help.
Anyway, don't feel like an idiot - you're absolutely not - decent people aren't generally on the look out for conmen - put all that negative energy into a plan of action, and lots of love & best of luck xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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Tamz77 · 20/01/2008 17:42

I did withdraw the money from the bank in exactly those increments. As far as I know, with the first one he went straight round the corner and paid it into his own account, but as with everything with this guy, who knows? He came with me to get money out on 2 occasions though I guess ultimately that's meaningless. In fact with the £1500 and the £400 he probably did god knows what with it, the latter one probably paid for his weekend away. He told me about the supposed 'frozen assets' a couple of days before he 'went into hospital' obviously thinking I'd be good for a bit of cash to go away with, but I said we'd sit down and sort it out together when the hospital thing was over with, since that was the priority. His landlady (or some woman anyway) called (post 'hospital') and left a message for him while I was there, he played it to me, and that's when I said I could cover his rent but would need it back within a couple of weeks. He texted me later to say "that's the rent paid" (didn't save that text) but it's more likely now that it covered whatever he owed, to whoever, for his dirty weekend.

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LittleMissNorty · 20/01/2008 17:45

what a complete and utter arsehole wanker tosspot

I agree with the others....tell the police...

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2happy · 20/01/2008 17:49

Tamz, I think you live near me? Do you need any practical support?

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