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Reported H to Social services...now what?

(671 Posts)
sleepingwiththeenemy Sat 19-Jan-08 16:24:12

Hi, I have other threads about what has led up to this, but now I am away from Ex H. have moved counties and started new life with the children following years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. Because of his history of mental health problems, long stays in psych hospitals and suicidal tendencies I have pretty much 'disappeared' - he has no idea we've left or where we are.
On xmas eve DD disclosed some things to me relating to the time H used to take her into the bath with him...things which sound very much like he masturbated in front of her...she described an erect penis, he told her not to tell Mummy etc. I asked NSPCC for advice and they said in their opinion it is hughly likely that sexual abuse has taken place; that she is using sexualised language and behaviour far beyond her years and said I had to report it as if I tried to use it later to prevent contact my motives would be questioned.
So I phoned social services and they immediately informed the police. So now I have to wait to hear from the police.
What happens now? Has anyone any experience of this? I am terrified as he will be furious, absolutely livid when he is questioned. But I feel that children should always be believed and I have no reason to think she would or could make it up. Previosuly I caught him looking at porn with her - pretty hard core stuff (anal, oral, lesbian and group images).
I really do believe he will come after me - the NSPCC have told me that there is unlikely to be a conviction because of DDs age - the courts wouldn't put her through the ordeal so he'll be free to come after me. He has threatened many times to snatch her, and told me I'll never see her again.
Any advice?

Kezza7779 Tue 22-Jan-08 22:17:05

sorry about the terrible typing!!

mamasara82 Wed 23-Jan-08 06:00:39

Thank you sleepingwiththeenemy. I just wanted you to know there will be happiness after this. I am only sorry I didn't report my ex.

It is true what kezza said previously that the child can grow up wanting to see the abuser.

I still see my brother and I have forgiven him too. I think this is why I was able to move on. Forgiveness is a big thing to do but if you can you will be able to over come things.

I hope he doesn't find you and I hope he does get convicted. I hope this will be over for you sometime soon

sleepingwiththeenemy Wed 23-Jan-08 08:44:33

There is a history of abuse; when we lived overseas I had to call the Military Police because he had chased me over the flat and then pinnedmedown on ths settee by the throat when I was pregnant. I had to have him removedfrom the house over here last December by the police after another incident...they refused to allow him to stay in the house with me as they were concerned about his mental state. As I said he was detained in a psych hospital for 3 months (just prior to meeting me) for his own safety and the safety of others. He has hit my daughter across the face, and dragged her from the top of the stairs to the bottom and obviously social services convened a child protection case conference regarding my older 2 last year; they only dropped it as I was making plans to leave, thus the threat was being removed.

Kezza7779 Wed 23-Jan-08 12:54:13

you have a very very strong case, you need to persue it, as i say chase up the police / ss and get the ball rolling, good luck and keep us all posted x x

sleepingwiththeenemy Wed 23-Jan-08 20:57:13

Hi, well an officer from the police child protection unit came out today, along with a social worker. It was pretty tough going; the officer was very straight talking and warned me about the consequences of making the whole thing up (!!!!). I can't believe anyone would do that, although he said it does happen. Anyway, we talked a bit about what had happened; he had a whole file of papers which I guess he got off the police system, and said to me that there was a fair bit of domestic abuse over the last few years, and if I am going to do this, I have to do it right and we should not only go for the alleged incidents with my little one,but also the whole abuse directed at me and the 2 older children. He wants to take a detailed statement from me, probably Friday, and also wants to do a video interview with my 2 older ones, particularly my daughter as I told him some of the inappropriate things he had said and done and he said we are looking for a pattern of behaviour etc etc...
Then the social worker talked to DD2...and wouldn't you believe it...she didn't say anything!!! Only that Daddy used to bath her but the social worker didn't really probe or ask the 'right' questions IYSWIM. But at least they can't say I have coached her or told her what to say!
They have also logged the address I'm at with the station so that should my ex find me our call will be given priority and there should be a rapid response.
He asked me the names of everyone who I might have told my whereabouts to and said his main concern is that ex will find me and turn up. I don't know whether or not anything has come up in his records which I'm not aware of but he seemed pretty concerned about what will happen if I'm found. It's nice in a way that my fears are being taken seriously, as I'm sure others think I'm being overdramatic.
Anyway, that's what's happened up til now.

mumof2fabkids Wed 23-Jan-08 21:47:35

Hi, how are you? Exhausted I suspect. You did good. I'm really pleased the police and social worker were like this with you, they've taken you all seriously and things will progress from here, and it's all on record which I know was a concern before. Have a drink and an early night, god knows if anyone deserves it, you do. Keep strong and keep us posted, thinking of you. xx

sleepingwiththeenemy Thu 24-Jan-08 09:35:53

Hi...well I had an early night but sleep completely evaded me I'm afraid! And as for the drink...if I start I don't think I'll stop!
The social worker was...I don't know...well she made mefeel very uncomfortable. She asked did LO know that privates were private IYSWIM...I said I had never had that conversation with her, after all she is only 3. She then made me feel about 2 inches tall saying that ALL parents must tell ALL kids that this is the case, and I should have done it. Talk about making me feel like a ** mother! Or maybe I'm just ultra sensitive.
The police officer on the other hand did put me at ease; he watched me every time I spoke, and was almost scrutinising my facial expressions etc, but after a while I got the impression he believed me and will pull out all the stops.
I have to admit that I am struggling emotionally. My oldest daughter is giving me a lot of hassle...is VERY moody and nasty most of the time, which creates an atmosphere. So that on top of the ongoing stuff is very very difficult.
The police said it'd be unusual if the ex hadn't done this before...and implied that my older one could have been subjected to it. Verbally I know she has, but it never crossed my mind that physically he could have done anything BUT her behaviour in the last year is making me question that. For instance, she told people at school that she was pregnant (!!!) which the headmistress called me at home to tell me, and she also was telling people she had been having sex in the local park which also got back to the staff at school. (She wasn't pregnant and as far as I know she wasn't having sex). When 'how to loook good naked' was on one night, my son said 'bblleeuuugghh...look at those women in their bras' My daughter said 'you should see what I do in the park then'.
I was at a loss when this was all going on, but now I'm wondering...

titchy Thu 24-Jan-08 10:47:34

I think you need to talk to your older dd - does she know about what your younger dd has said? Maybe her moods are cos her younger sister's abuse has led to police and SS coming in, and if she has been abused nothing happened as a result. So sorry for you all sad

mamasara82 Thu 24-Jan-08 10:54:05

My friends niece is going through that at the moment. It just came out about 3 or 4 months ago that her dad was touching her up.

You really need to sit and have a chat to her. Might be worth going to a counsellor if she won't talk to you about it.

Think of you a lot at the moment. x

sleepingwiththeenemy Thu 24-Jan-08 11:53:55

Hi. To be fair her moods have been an ongoing thing pretty much as far back as when she was 5. This was before HE was on the scene so I can't attribute it to him. BUT the stuff about pregnancy and sex only started in September this year - HE left in August. I don't know if I'm putting 2 and 2 together now and coming up with a million...my head is all over the place. I know teenage girls go all skew wiff with their hormones at this age but to tell people she was pregnant, and was having sex in the park etc...that seems beyond 'normal' teenage behaviour.
It's very difficult to talk to her at the moment...she's a very troubled girl and has said that she can't talk to me about some things which really cut me to the core as I have always been the kind of Mum who will listen to them day or night, and they can talk to me about sex, periods, drugs...I never shy away from 'embarrassing' questions.
Titchy...she does know what LO has said - not details obviously but the general gist of it. She knows (or should know) that if she came to me and told me anything like that I'd believe her 100%. Social services offered her counselling last year, but she refused to go, said she'd just sit there and not speak if I made her go. I hate to say it but she's like one of those kids on 'brat camp'...so hard and cold and distant. I just can't seem to reach her.
I'm struggling tremendously at the moment. I'm back to the old pattern of throwing up every morning with nerves and panic, and my whole body is on edge, shaking a lot of the time and if someone only looks at me the wrong way I cry. When the police were talking to me yesterday I was trembling...I couldn't stop my chin from wobbling as I spoke. I have no support whatsoever from family - I have friends here who are good to me and rally round, but it's not the same.
I just want someone to put their arms around me and let me howl and howl. Does that sound pathetic? God, it does! Sorry.

Kezza7779 Thu 24-Jan-08 12:03:11

Hi again, I dont agree AT ALL about what the SW said about telling your 3 yr old daughter that private parts are private, at 3 you should be protecting her innocence which is exactly what you are doing. 3 year olds shouldnt know that a vagina is for sex or anything like that, this is something you should do when she is a bit older.
As for older DD i really think you should sit her down ad talk WITH her (this is where the friend, not so much mother part takes over)have u chatted with her about sex etc? how old is she? does she know whats happened with your 3 yr old? If she does know about it have you asked her if ex ever did anything like this to her (stating it would not of been her fault and that he is WRONG!!! Alot of kids get brainwashed by their abusers and genuinely believe that its their fault. her behaviour IS suggesting that something is up, not that she neccassarily has been abused by ex but that everything that has gone on in your lives has had an impact on her. you need to get her to open up to you otherwise she maywell be on self destruct. Have you explained to her the reason you moved was to keep them all safe beacuse you love them, we keep things from our LO's to protect them but they usually know more that we think, they end up filling the gaps with what they think is happening instead of the FACTS.xxxx

mamasara82 Thu 24-Jan-08 12:37:07

Sleepingwiththeenemy - I would love to give you a bug hug and let you howl.

I wish you had a good support network because it would probably make everything that bit more bearable.

sleepingwiththeenemy Thu 24-Jan-08 12:42:10

Hi Kezza...I'm glad you agree about not telling a 3 year old as suggested by the SW. She made me feellike a crap mother.
Yes, I have chatted to DD about sex, many times. Very frank and open conversations which is why I am so perplexed by her behaviour. She does know what happened with LO - I'll have to sit down with her tonight and chat to her and ask her outright, as you say.
They all know the reason we moved; the move has been beneficial to all of us...the 2 older ones love it here, far more than our old place. They have both settled in school well, and are already benefitting from being in a big city as opposed to complete isolation which is what we had before as we were way out in the sticks. I've explained to them the dangers to all of us of staying, and the mere suggestion of moving back has filled them with horror.
BTW, the older DD is 13.

sleepingwiththeenemy Thu 24-Jan-08 12:45:02

mamasara...I do have a support network, as such. But I think what I need is a mother's hug if that makes sense? I'm so done in being strong, and 'there' for everyone else, and keeping it all together and just once ina while I'd like to be able to let go, crumble and cry it all out, and then be picked up, dusted off and set back on the path again.
My mother just does not want to know. End of. She's never been there for me, for all the major upheavals in my life, and I've strived for 39 years for her love and approval. I have to face the fact that I'm never going to get it.

mamasara82 Thu 24-Jan-08 12:49:01

That is so sad. You just leave me lost for words everyday.

mamasara82 Thu 24-Jan-08 12:57:17

I just wish I could be more help to you.

mamasara82 Thu 24-Jan-08 12:57:28

I just wish I could be more help to you.

Baffy Thu 24-Jan-08 13:26:22

sleepingwiththeenemy I've just read your whole thread and am totally lost for words. I know you probably don't feel it, but you are so strong and you are an amazing mum to your children.

angry at what the social services woman said to you though - they should be there to help and support you, not make you feel like a bad mum for protecting the innocence of your children! You have done nothing wrong. At all.

I don't know if you're close by to me but I'd gladly give you a hug and let you cry it all out! You really do need some support for you in all of this. Take care of yourself too.

You do sound like you have a lot of evidence and a strong case. I really hope this can have a positive outcome for you and you and your dc never have to see him ever again.

sleepingwiththeenemy Thu 24-Jan-08 14:15:51

Mamasara...you are helping just with your kind words. Honestly, it is so nice to know that someone is thinking about me and the children. So thankyou.
Baffy...No, I don't feel like I'm strong. I feel incredibly weak to be honest. If I could I'd just go to bed and not get up again, just pull the duvet up over my head and hide. I don't feel like a good mother either- i have one daughter who barely speaks to me and another whom I failed to protect. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself today, I don't know. I'm soooo tired.
The police want to know if there was any sexual abuse towards me...in all honesty I don't know.You know, abusers make you doubt yourself and what's normal. The circumstances surrounding my youngest daughter's conception have always caused me problems... I had previously lost a baby, only 3 months before...a hideous miscarriage which involved an operation and 2 blood transfusions (during the miscarriage we were on holiday in Gibraltar...he knew I was bleeding and losing the baby but still made me climb the rock of Gibraltar in searing heat). So when 'the night' in question came around, I told him I didn't want to have sex, as I was terrified of falling pregnant again. he has always refused to use a condom and I wasn't on the pill. He insisted, said to trust him and he wouldn't 'go that far'. Well...he did, went all the way despite me crying and asking him not to, and then just grinned at me and said 'oops'. It all sounds so juvenile, and something a teenager does, but to say no to a controlling abuser just doesn't happen. So do I tell the police that?He wants to know every second of our relationship, but not sure I can bring myself to tell him that. He is wanting to build up a picture of the ex, and I know I should tell them every single thing as I can't go back later and say it. God, this is a nightmare.
He also used prostitutes I believe...I found them on the computer when I was pregnant...he had searched in our town and also the town he was going to the next day for a few days.
I also found a site/downloaded programme on the computer called 'join the orgy'...it wasn't there by mistake, it had been installed. I never opened it and when I asked him about it he denied installing it and just deleted it from the computer. This along with letting DD2 watch porn with him on the computer. Lo and behold, shortly after this he told me the hard drive had crashed, and took it out, and put in an external hard drive which he took with him when he left. I had to sell the pc in December to raise money for xmas pressies for Dcs, so no evidence to give with regards the computer.

Baffy Thu 24-Jan-08 14:22:27

I'm really sorry but if you can, you really do need to tell the police all of that. As hard as it is for you to say those things out loud and re-live those memories, they do need to know everything.

That way they will build up the best picture they can of him, and that can only be a good thing in helping you to get the outcome you and your children deserve.

Do you have RL people who can come and support you?

{{{{hugs}}}}

mamasara82 Thu 24-Jan-08 14:23:40

My ex used to do nasty things like that. I would stay no but he would still have sex and do that grin afterwards. I once woke up to him trying to have anal with me. All fucked up!!

My ex was sexually abused by his uncle for 9yrs and thats why he was so fucked up.

Do you think your ex is the abused becoming the abuser.

I think you should tell police every thing that happened that night and if you can think of any other times too it will really build the case against. Something you think is small might be big to the police.

dizietsma Thu 24-Jan-08 18:10:55

Have been following this thread and just wanted to add my support. I know that right now you just feel terrible, but I think you should know that you have been very brave and strong in a very difficult situation.

I think that in order to make life easier on you, you need to find as much support as you can. It sounds like your mum is hopeless, but what about other family members? Brothers, Sisters, your Dad, Cousins, Aunts, Grandparents etc? What about your friends? Reach out to everyone you can and explain how hard things are right now and that you really need their help and moral support. Often you'll find that people are really keen to help and have just been waiting to be asked as they didn't know what they could do.

Honestly, it does sound like you should have a friendly chat with your older DD. Get everything out into the open- tell her you love her very much and your sorry she had to live in such a horrible situation, but that you're trying to fix things now and if there's anything she needs to tell you or anything that you can do to help her she should tell you now so you can all work together to make things right again.

As far as the incident in Gibraltar is concerned I am so sorry you had that terrible experience. To me it sounds like you were raped. It is not consensual sex when one person is crying because they asked the other person to stop. You should certainly report this to the police, but more importantly I suggest you contact Rape Crisis to talk over this terribly traumatic experience and perhaps arrange counselling.

(((HUGS))) and keep posting here if you find it helps, we're all here to help support you in any way we can.

diz x

I read this and couldn't not post to say how strong you are, and how much you are doing the right thing for your dcs.

You sound fantastic and lovely and a wonderful mum. Please keep posting and let us all help if we can.

Lots of virtual hugs, and a large bottle of wine.

xxx

Kezza7779 Thu 24-Jan-08 23:42:19

QUOTE = "*Baffy...No, I don't feel like I'm strong. I feel incredibly weak to be honest. If I could I'd just go to bed and not get up again, just pull the duvet up over my head and hide. I don't feel like a good mother either- i have one daughter who barely speaks to me and another whom I failed to protect. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself today, I don't know. I'm soooo tired*"

Oh my god how can u say this about yourself? You are SO SO strong, you are protecting your children from a horrid fucked up abuser, you have left everything and moved miles from anywhere or anyone you know. God this is strength in its most powerful force. You have a mother who is everything that you are NOT. youve done all this with NO support. Everyone who reads this will and do take their (OUR) hats off to you.

*YOU ARE RIGHT, YOU ARE STRONG AND YOU CAN DO THIS*

Ok so your 13 year old is barely talking to you, shes 13 whats new - typical of a 13 year old teenager most would agree. Youve all been through a tough time including her but as you say they are pleased to be away from it all and have settled in well. STOP beating yourself up, you are doing everything a good mother would do. You cant do anymore. The fact you havent cracked and hidden under a duvet says it all.

As for what to tell the police, im afraid theres no pride to be had in all this and in order to build a good strong case you have to tell them eveything. Even the small things all contribute towards a much much bigger picture. Imagine you are the CPS (crown prosecution service) if you are reading a case in which to possibly send to court, you would need All the detail, not just bits here and there.

There was clearly stuff on that computer, do you know who you sold it to? it might be worth having a think about it as it will surely have VERY incriminating evidence on it!xxxxx

Baffy Fri 25-Jan-08 00:42:32

good post Kezza, totally agree

sleepingwiththeenemy I hope you're ok and getting some rest

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