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Reported H to Social what?

(671 Posts)
sleepingwiththeenemy Sat 19-Jan-08 16:24:12

Hi, I have other threads about what has led up to this, but now I am away from Ex H. have moved counties and started new life with the children following years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. Because of his history of mental health problems, long stays in psych hospitals and suicidal tendencies I have pretty much 'disappeared' - he has no idea we've left or where we are.
On xmas eve DD disclosed some things to me relating to the time H used to take her into the bath with him...things which sound very much like he masturbated in front of her...she described an erect penis, he told her not to tell Mummy etc. I asked NSPCC for advice and they said in their opinion it is hughly likely that sexual abuse has taken place; that she is using sexualised language and behaviour far beyond her years and said I had to report it as if I tried to use it later to prevent contact my motives would be questioned.
So I phoned social services and they immediately informed the police. So now I have to wait to hear from the police.
What happens now? Has anyone any experience of this? I am terrified as he will be furious, absolutely livid when he is questioned. But I feel that children should always be believed and I have no reason to think she would or could make it up. Previosuly I caught him looking at porn with her - pretty hard core stuff (anal, oral, lesbian and group images).
I really do believe he will come after me - the NSPCC have told me that there is unlikely to be a conviction because of DDs age - the courts wouldn't put her through the ordeal so he'll be free to come after me. He has threatened many times to snatch her, and told me I'll never see her again.
Any advice?

notjustmom Sat 19-Jan-08 16:29:46

Message withdrawn

policywonk Sat 19-Jan-08 16:31:35

Fucking hell, how awful. Sorry that's not at all helpful.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid or the Citizen's Advice Bureau (free legal and social advice) - that's where I'd start. Will get you links in a minute.

Have you told the police about his threats? They should take them seriously.

How horrible for you to be told that he won't be prosecuted. I think you should pursue it anyway - the NSPCC could be wrong.

policywonk Sat 19-Jan-08 16:35:30
Rhubarb Sat 19-Jan-08 16:41:56

I think a visit from the police will scare the shit out of him.

He's a coward who gets his kicks out of violating and humiliating women and children.

He will know you've informed the police and has no reason to think you wouldn't do so again. So I reckon he'll keep well away, even if he did find you.

And good on you for reporting him! At the very least he should be put on the sex offenders register to prevent him from doing this to any other child. Unfortunately it doesn't prevent him from entering into a relationship with another woman and fathering more children, but my telling the police, you'll ensure that he now has a record and should anyone report him again, they'll have your evidence to help convict him.

So sorry you've had such a rough time and I hope happier times lie ahead for all of you.

sleepingwiththeenemy Sat 19-Jan-08 16:43:42

Hi. I've been involved with women's aid for a while as we were in a women's refuge this time last year. I have a solicitor already because of domestic abuse etc...when I told my solicitor that my DD had told me these things he didn't even comment on it (it was all via e mail as I'm not at home so can't go in to see him in person).
My biggest most absolute fear is that the courts will decide he can have unsupervised contact with her; how the hell could I hand her over to him knowing what he's probably done to her. She told me he touched her, and told her he was disgusting...she's only 3 so no way she could come up with that herself is there?
He's very dangerous; he went voluntarily into a psych hospital a few years ago, prior to me meeting him, but would have been sectioned anyway after a near fatal suicide attempt and threats to kill the girl who dumped him. He was detained for his own safety(suicide) and the safety of others (the ex girlfriend). he never concluded his treatment, refused to take ADs the dr prescribed, and is generally a total head case. Nasty nasty man. Social services considered putting my older children (perviosu marriage) on the at risk register because of his systematic abuse of them (mental), and I obtained an injunction against him which is due to expire and the solicitor won't apply to have it extended, hence me'going into hiding'.

QuintessentialShadow Sat 19-Jan-08 16:44:55

When somebody I know reported her exh regards to such, the police moved pretty swiftly, they appaeared suddenly at his house, straight away confiscatd his computer, took all discs, cds, videos away, and went throuhg EVERYTHING to find something to support the claims.

In his case they found nothing.

sleepingwiththeenemy Sat 19-Jan-08 16:45:58

Rhubarb, thankfully he had a vasectomy so cannot father anymore. However, his behaviour with my older daughter was highly inappropriate - commenting on her boobs, and figure, and telling her when blokes were eyeing her up...she was only 11/12 at the time. So although he cannot have any kids himself he could still take on someone elses.

policywonk Sat 19-Jan-08 16:46:43

There is someone on here who is very hot on this sort of thing - is it Mamazon, Rhubarb?

It sounds as though you need to change your solicitor to me - find someone who will take your safety (and that of your children) more seriously. Really, speak to the CAB - they can advise you on your rights.

And PLEASE tell the police that he has threatened to abduct your daughter.

controlfreakygobshite Sat 19-Jan-08 16:47:02

if you are this worried. you have a diifcult choice. stay "hidden" and hope he doesn't find you / the children.... wait to see if he starts court procedings for contact / residence whatever (and he can use court to try and locate children so that you are aware of his proceedings although court would not disclose your address directly to him in first instance)..... OR you can take the initiative and make an application to thje court for a residence order, settling that the children live with you, an order stating that he shall have no contact with the children and an injunction preventing him threatening / harming you / the children if appropriate....

agree with those who have suggested you need legal advice. try to find a specialist family solicitor who does publicly funded work (legal aid). try cab for help with this or contact the law society for list of such solicitors in your area.

fwiw i would be tempted to take the initiative.... but obviously i dont have the whole story.

how shocking for you. poor children. good luck with all this. let us know what happens if you think it wil help.

ps. be careful not to ask the children lots of ?'s about it (will be suggested you have tarnished the evidence / given them the idea etc. do keep a detailed diary of anything significant, including noting any unusual things said / done.

dittany Sat 19-Jan-08 16:47:12

Why won't your solicitor apply to have it extended? It sounds like you may need a better solicitor.

Can Womens Aid recommend anybody?

sleepingwiththeenemy Sat 19-Jan-08 16:49:18

When he was looking at porn with DD, and I caught him I went mad. Shortly afterwards he said the hard drive was broken, and bought a new one. Now I think it was becaise he was destroying evidence! I don't even know where he is, and I sold the computer in November to raise money for xmas as he hasn't paid any maintenance at all and it was the only way I could buy presents for the kids.
Fortunately I have all these things logged at the solicitors.
To be honest, although it would be ideal if he was charged, as long as it prevents him ever coming near my children again I'll be happy.

controlfreakygobshite Sat 19-Jan-08 16:53:00

x posted with you. sorry.
you definitely need a new solicitor. that sort of help is worse than no help at all. v angry on your behalf. when was injunction made? have there been any problems since it was made? when did he last have any contact with you and dc's? it seems to me the allegations made by dd are a "new" event giving rise to a need for continued protection..... but as said before this needs to be weighed against continuing to "lie low".

sleepingwiththeenemy Sat 19-Jan-08 16:53:38

Dittany, he own't apply for an extension as he said there is no proof his behaviour has deteriorated! If he had threatened me, or such like he would, but he said the courts won't extend 'just for the sake of it!'
He is supposed to be a family law specialist, but he's useless. I filed for divorce a year ago, and the papers have never even left his office due to errors on his part etc.
I've just had a letter saying public funding has been stopped, probably because the injunction is due to expire. It's a bloody nightmare - we were just starting ot get our lives together again.

sleepingwiththeenemy Sat 19-Jan-08 16:54:28

Oh, forgot to say he has already engaged a solicitor for contact.

controlfreakygobshite Sat 19-Jan-08 16:54:30

i wouldn't count on him being charged....
i would think seriously about what steps can be taken to protect yourself and dc's.

sleepingwiththeenemy Sat 19-Jan-08 16:55:25 what?

controlfreakygobshite Sat 19-Jan-08 16:56:46

well in that case it is imperative you get some decent legal advice....

a decent solicitor would be considering what "cross applications" you need to make in answer to his contact application... (as i suggested below). if he is seeking contact then his actions will fall to be scrutinised. lying low will not be an option.

controlfreakygobshite Sat 19-Jan-08 16:59:16

like a residence order / an order preventing contact / an extension to the injunction.

if you have (rightly) involved ss they need to be aware he is seeking contact.... their involvement and position re all this woill be of interest to the court considering what is in the children's interests. you need to tell ss that yu want to do all you can to safeguard the dc's and need their support re that.....

sleepingwiththeenemy Sat 19-Jan-08 17:09:15

I haven't spoken to the police yet...I have to wait until they get back to SS apparently. As the 'alleged' incidents happened in the county I was in then, it's the local police there who will have to deal with it. Not sure how it'll work; if I will have to travel down there, or if they will send someone up here...I have no idea.
I also have his diaries from his time in the psych...reading them it is clear that he is highly unbalanced.

controlfreakygobshite Sat 19-Jan-08 17:15:03

will be thinking of you. stay strong. it all sounds herrendous but you have done the right thing by taking action. try to get some support for yourself.... do you have any rl people to help you through this?? no doubt difficult if you've had to move around....

sleepingwiththeenemy Sat 19-Jan-08 17:16:32

The problem is, there is no 'real' evidence. When I was in the refuge they made me take DD to the gp to be examined, as they said his behaviour was highly suspect (taking her inot bath and locking door). This showed no evidence of anything; however, it would only show if he had used force IYSWIM...not if he had 'only' touched (her or himself).
Surely, in the case of children, if there is any doubt then contact should not be granted?
It cannot be said that I am merely preventing him from seeing her out of bitterness as I'm sure some women do; my older 2 see their Dad regularly, which involves me driving 300miles in a day to drop them off, making sure they call him, phoning him when there is any school news etc...

sleepingwiththeenemy Sat 19-Jan-08 17:18:25

Yes, the area I've moved to is the place I feel safest. I have friends here whom I trust implicitly and who will close ranks to protect me and the kids. Also friends' parents etc, so at least I have a strong network around me.

Rhubarb Sat 19-Jan-08 17:24:18

Sounds like he has a chequered past which would come up in any court case.
How old is your dd now? Old enough to give video evidence?
Seek legal advice about getting that restraining order extended, due to recent events I see no reason why it cannot be extended and the police may be willing to give evidence to support your case.

No court would allow him unsupervised access if a restraining order had previously been put in place. Children's safety is taken very seriously and no court would risk the consequences.

When the police get in touch they will go through with you what their next move will be. They may be able to offer advice too.

But do take the initiative and get some decent legal advice yourself.

DoubleBluff Sat 19-Jan-08 17:35:27

How old is DD?
I am in Child protection - Police.
Any ofences will be investigated by police in the local area where the offences took place. But the Police will prob contact the local police child Protection unit to where you now live to make enqs on their behalf. If your DD is old enough they may video interview her with your consent. If there is no suggestion of penetraation them she will not be medically examined.
Your ex wiil be questioned by the Police and the allegations put to him, even if your DD does not provide a formal complaint.
Your wherabouts will not be disclosed to him.
If you want any further info let me know. Good luck as it is a diffficult thing to do.

DoubleBluff Sat 19-Jan-08 17:37:35

Sorry just read your DD is 3 so she would be too young to be videoed. police will prob take a statement from you about what she has said to you. Unlikely it will go to Court but at least it will be on record with police and SSD. SS will then be able to make applications to prevent hin having access to other youg children.

normajean Sat 19-Jan-08 17:49:10

Hi, I have no experience of this type of thing (thank god) but I think you have been incredibley brave to leave him, you are 100% right to believe in your dd, and your past experience with the pornograhy are only more proof of that. Find the best legal advice you can,speak with doublebluff above, experience like that is invaluable. You can not underestimate the strength of a mother for her child, when you feel that you have no more to give, take a look at your dd, and nail the bastard to the wall. Keep fighting!

Shaniece Sat 19-Jan-08 19:19:35

Sleepingwiththeenemy - I remember reading your posts. I hope he doesn't track you down somehow. I think you need to phone the police again ASAP for more advice and change solicitor.

You are so strong. No advice but couldn't read without sending some good wishes and luck

Kerri28 Sat 19-Jan-08 21:05:12

couldnt read this and not post. i am so sorry about what has happened to your daughter and the things she has been saying. you must be so sad and angry. i would change your solicitor IMMEDIATELY to one clser to you, who will apply for new legal aid. i think to get legal aid switched to another firm you must write to your first firm and complain about them and say you have no faith and wish to use someone else.

if your exH does take you to court for contact with your dd then raise the allegations of sexual abuse with the courts. They will have to hold a fact finding hearing first where both you and H will give evidence (as well as show the court any CAMAT video of you or your dd if one is taken) and if the court decides from this that he did abuse her, he will not get any unsupervised contact with her at all. Unfortnately ev en if you get that court to say he did abuse her, it is not the same as having a criminal conviction - different court, different standard of proof, different rules of evidence..

the police might investigate him, speak to the police and tell them how scared you are of yours and dd's safety once he finds out about the allegation, the if they bail him, they may attach conditions to his bail that he dosnt contact you or dd in any way. failing this, the fact that you have reported him for a crime and are scared of any retaliation should be enough to extend your non-molestation order.

good luck, let us know how it goes

Kerri28 Sat 19-Jan-08 21:05:54

i am a lawyer by the way blush

<<ducks and hides>>

Monkeytrousers Sat 19-Jan-08 21:08:30

God what a scum bag. My step dad used to try and get me to watch porn with him. Horrible memory just came back to me now but I was 12-13 not so young.

I am so sorry for you and your DD but I think with love she will forget about it - and if she does I think it is best left that way.

You must lose contact with everyone he knows. The police I am sure can issue verbal warnings to keep away and if he contravenes them he can be arrested - that is how it is re domestic abuse anyway now.

He will be put on the sex offenders register I am sure. Hopefully he will be imprisoned - or put in a secure unit if he pleads some form of insanity.

Be very proud of yourself and make the best of your lives away from him. Don't let his shadow ruin both your futures. You can overcome this. smile

EvieIsMyGirl Sat 19-Jan-08 22:08:26

OMG Monkeytrousers sorry to hear what you went through with your step dad but you say "I was only 12-13" not so young eh???????? Any age under 18 is young I think. I know the OP's DD was only 3 but abuse is abuse not matter what.

Just wanted to say how proud I am of YOU and the Op sleepingwiththeenemy. You both overcame it.

Monkeytrousers Sat 19-Jan-08 22:22:56

Not excusing any abuse - just saying she is more likely to be able to forget it. It will be more difficuklt for SWTE probably. Cannot not get angry about men like this.

Monkeytrousers Sat 19-Jan-08 22:23:34


Shaniece Sat 19-Jan-08 22:32:26

Sorry to hear what you had to suffer MT.

It's awful what some kids have to witness and go through. Have you had counselling?

Monkeytrousers Sat 19-Jan-08 22:52:39

all a long time ago now - not part of who i am today, cheers for asking

sleepingwiththeenemy Sun 20-Jan-08 11:10:58

Hi all, and thankyou for your posts so far. MT, I know what you mean about her age; it's a blessing in disguise that she is so young, as she doesn't see it as wrong, so hopefully will be able to just forget all about it. Hopefully.
Rightly or wrongly I am not too concerned about a conviction; me and the DC have been through so much trauma and heartbreak over the 6 years he stole of our lives that I don't know if I have the strength to go through a trial. All I want is for us to be able to live in peace without fear of retribution. I don't give a rat's arse about him...if they lock him up and throw away the key I wouldn't give it a second thought. But for mine and the children's sakes I want this over and done with. Guessing it probably won't happen like that though.
Even though I have never doubted for a moment that she was telling me the truth (I believe children should be believed), I did go through a day worrying myself sick inc ase she'd got it wrong.. the horror of being accused of such a thing would be unimaginable. But I couldn't not act upon it could I? It's hard for my brain to compute that I could have chosen to marry a man who might be capable of doing that to a child, indeed his own child.
But the porn, the suicide attempts, the bizarre sexual behaviour he displayed towardsme throughout the marriage, the things he used to say to my older daughter and the things my little one told me...doesn't leave much room for doubt really.

sleepingwiththeenemy Sun 20-Jan-08 11:12:51

Sorry, meant to say all I want is to live without the fear of retribution and for him never to be able to clap eyes on my daughter again. I just want all of us to feel safe.

Shaniece Sun 20-Jan-08 11:15:34

Time to move on with your life and forgot about the scumbag. Your kids will and should always come first, and you have put them first - I wish more women would.

Best wishes xx

DoubleBluff Sun 20-Jan-08 11:36:33

MT - he will only go on the sex oofendeers reg if convicted by a Court or cautioned.
Sleep - you are doing all the right things so far. My hope for you is that he never gets contact and you and your chidren are able to livethe rest of your lives in peace free of him.

sleepingwiththeenemy Sun 20-Jan-08 11:47:50

DoubleBluff...that's my hope too. He has 2 children from a previous marriage who will have nothing to do with him at all...they are both completely out of control, drugs/drink etc...his ex wife told me that he used to bring women home while she was at work, shut his kids in the living room and have sex in the dining room...and the kids could hear this going on. So his behaviour has been highly suspect for years. Obviously this is all hearsay but it helps me to stay strong in my convictions.
Given that this is the 2nd time social services have been involved because of him, I am hopeful that we can be free of him.
So even with a caution, he would get put on the register?

Monkeytrousers Sun 20-Jan-08 12:58:19

Really DB? The man is obvioulsy a danger to females. I hope something can be done.

And he must never be allowed access. Lets hope some politaically correct judge doesn't inforce contact along the line.

sleepingwiththeenemy Sun 20-Jan-08 14:00:15

MT...that's what I'm worried about. That it's a judge or such like who supports Fathers4justice for instance. Like I said I am all for fathers having absolute contact with their children despite a marital breakup...but not under any circumstances. Not like this. Can you imagine if I am ordered to comply with contact visits...having to hand her over to him every week knowing what he might do (and believing he can get away with it too!)

Oh god, sleepingwiththeenemy, I can't imagine how you must have felt when your DD told you hat your ex had done. It's every parent's worst nightmare sad

For what it's worth, you sound like a very strong and amazing woman, and you have done the absolute best thing to get as far away from the bastard as you can. You will get through this.

Get another solicitor and don't give up.

sleepingwiththeenemy Sun 20-Jan-08 16:20:14

I was and still am numb to be honest. I'm sure my feelings will kick in at some time or another; certainly if and when I have to come face to face with him. The thought terrifies me but I also know that all the simmering anger will give me the impetus to see this through.
Another thing I am scared of is how I will feel once it sinks in that he did this. I will question myself as a mother - how did I let this happen? Why did I not stop it?
I won't give up - to be honest I think it's out of my hands now anyway even if I wanted to, which I don't. I'm going to phone the local refuge tomorrow and ask for a recommendation for a solicitor - one experienced in child protection.

Monkeytrousers Sun 20-Jan-08 17:01:49

Yes, get a new solicitor. And I'm sure we could kick up quite a stink here on MN, the meeja's favorite source of all things 'maternal' if such a thing was to be threatened! smile

DoubleBluff Sun 20-Jan-08 17:29:20

You did stop it though sleep.
You left. You would be surprised how many women stay knowing that this is goin gon. Some mothers choose to boelieve theor partners rathe than their children.

Monkeytrousers Sun 20-Jan-08 17:46:23

Yes, I know that one.

sleepingwiththeenemy Sun 20-Jan-08 18:40:58

Good never crossed my mind not to believe her. I find it hard to believe as much as I don't want to believe it...butI never doubted her.

notalone Sun 20-Jan-08 18:43:48

Sleepingwiththeenemy - I have only skimmed this as it brings back traumatic memories for me but just want to take my hat off to you. You are amazing and are doing completely the right thing for your DD and any other kids your exh comes into contact with. My own father used to show me porn from a very young age along with a whole host of other inappropriate behaviour, yet my mother didn't do a thing to protect me as she wanted to keep the lifestyle he could offer her. I am now 30 and suffer extreme anxiety because of my upbringing. I don't think I will ever have the guts to report him (I know he is no danger to other kids as he is now seriously ill and disabled) but I am suffering so much as a result of what I had to go through.

Am crying now and have never cried about this ever. I just wanted to give you perspective from the childs point of view. Never doubt yourself ok

sleepingwiththeenemy Sun 20-Jan-08 20:56:57

Notalone...thankyou so much for that message and I'm sorry it has stirred up such painful memories. I know so well the effects of sexual abuse in childhood... I am a therapist by trade and specialise in adults who are suffering from the aftermath of childhood abuse. I will not allow my child to go through it. At the moment, and probably due to her young age, she is a very happy, well balanced child and I intend to do everything in my power to make sure she stays that way.
I actually left him because of the abuse he heaped on my older 2 children - not sexual but very very emotionally cruel. And now's unbelieveable.

Peachy Sun 20-Jan-08 21:20:27

'Unfortunately it doesn't prevent him from entering into a relationship with another woman and fathering more children,'

Sorry if this ahs been mentioned (hopping between this and ds1 being a nightmare tonight, used to work isn a job allied to SS and when a man on the register 9as we can but hope he will one day be) moves into a home where there is a child, he gets a number of days to tell the woman his history and they check- if not SS visit and tell.

So there is some protecytion for new famillies that comes into play there.

Obv. some women are stupid and refuse to mistrust 'their man' 9sorry but it happens), SS can then keep an involvement at least.

sleepingwiththeenemy Sun 20-Jan-08 21:21:05

Isn't it a good job we can choose friends, even if we can't choose family and I SO would not have chosen mine! I sent my mother a text tonight to tell her if H contacts her at all she is not to tell him where we are, not even the area of the country we are in, that it had all got lots worse and becauseof what DD hadtold meI have had to report him. She replied 'I don't answer the phone anyway if I don't know the number. I hope he doesn't send the police round here again (worried about neighbours), and you never bothered to tell me if the kids received the sweets I sent them'. I was gobsmacked at her lack of concern, so sent one back spelling out to her that he had interfered with her in the bath.She snt one back and repeated again'he better not send the police to my door...I mean it and you still haven't said whether they got the sweets'. I replied that I was astounded at the lack of concern over what her grand daughter had gone through, and have heard nothing since.
Makes me so mad. I knew she'd react like this; if something isn't about her then she won't recognise it. I know if I called and discussed it with her she would blamemefor reporting it...she would say I had brought all the hassle on myself for not letting sleeping dogs lie, or saying she was sure DD had 'got it wrong'.
When I was about 7 2 men approached me outside the shop where I was waiting for my mum, with my sister. They tried to take me away, and my sister ran inside to get my mum. She came out and slapped me around the face for encouraging the men hmm. Not going to get much support there am I?

sleepingwiththeenemy Sun 20-Jan-08 21:23:25

Peachy...I never knew that. That's really interesting - but like you said some women would believe them when they say 'oh it was my ex wife just framing me, of course I didn't harm my daughter'...

Peachy Sun 20-Jan-08 21:27:51

SS then regard that child as at risk though- which after all is a good starting point compared to anonymity!

Is there any chance your mother is in shock? or denial?

I was raped at 17 and my mum knew and to thsi day ahsn't mentioned it, not quite sure why. It was just too much to deal with I guess (She had severe depression for many years). I don't bear her ill will for it BUT I do keep a tight control on what I involve her in; she just doesn't deal with other peoples stuff well (the day we were told ds3 was fairly severely dsiabled she popped off the phone to answer the door with me in ters and forgot to call back). Some poeple don't mean any malice, but they find it impossible to compute anything that is so complex and understand other peoples emotions or perspectives.

sleepingwiththeenemy Sun 20-Jan-08 21:32:57 she's not in shock. She's always been like this but it's taken me a long time to realise it. Still, at the age of 39, I get horribly disappointed at her lack of support. She's just completely self absorbed.
As for the 'at risk' thing mentioned above - I have no idea where H is living, but it wouldn't surprise me at all if he has shacked up with another woman with kids. If he has, the poor woman is going to be in for a hell of a shock if/when the police arrive to speak to him! I wish there had been something in place to warn me of his mental history when I met him; it would have saved me years of heartbreak.

Peachy Sun 20-Jan-08 21:40:21

i guess that's where the problem lies, there's no way you can tell someone unless their partner is on the register. I kinda understand that- my DH also ahs a mental health history and still gets ill, but is no way like yours thank God, so it owuld be unfair for a lack of confidentiality to be in palce- but it doesn't make it any easier for you.

Have you any idea what will happen next? Lst contact with a kid who had reported was many years ago for me (in a non-professional capacity- I was a friend she disclosed to), but SS took her to a special NSPCC childrens centre which was lovely and she could tell her story being observed through mirrors etc so she felt more safe- she was older though.

sleepingwiththeenemy Sun 20-Jan-08 22:12:34

Peachy...his mental history is a dangerous one. Death threats, suicide attempts, black black moods, hell bent on revenge...I have every sympathy for anyone battling mental illness - it could happen to anyone and I work with depressives, self harmers etc, butthis is something else entirely.
I have no idea what will happen next, no. Maybe tomorrow will bring some news.

mumof2fabkids Mon 21-Jan-08 00:19:27

Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you all. You are brave and strong and a hell of a mother, an inspiration to those going through this at the moment.

sleepingwiththeenemy Mon 21-Jan-08 08:05:12

mumof2fabkids...thanks. It doesn't feel like I'm strong TBH...I'm crumbling inside. I have this constant feeling of panic and sickness even when I'm trying not to think about it. I just know the s**t is going to hit the fan in a massive way once the police contact him. If I had my way, as was my intention before DD revealed all of this, we would have just disappeared. We've moved over 200 miles away from home, and with a name change etc we could have got away with it. But that all changed with the disclosures made. Even before he contacted a solicitor for access, I had been advised that if I raised the allegations in response to an application for contact, my motives would be questioned - thank God I have it all in writing, dated, to and from the nspcc and the solicitor before his solicitor wrote to mine. She toldme on xmas eve, I first logged concerns to NSPCC (via e mail) on 28th December, and the solicitor on 4th Jan. His solicitor wrote to mine on 8th January so no one can say it was a 'retaliation' IYSWIM?
They may question why I didn't report it immediately - well it was xmas eve, I was shocked and did not want to tarnish xmas for everyone ex had given us miserable xmas's for the past 6 years so this was to be our first happy, carefree one hmm
I feel so sick today, as it may all start to snowball from here-on-in.

Piffle Mon 21-Jan-08 08:20:14

at least you know you have done the right thing and sought to protect yourself and your dd from future/potential abuse.

Please do not worry about unsupervised access being granted, it is very unlikely given the allegations.

Try not to cross any bridges before you come to them.
Wishign you lots of luck and a happier future now.

colditz Mon 21-Jan-08 08:24:59

Well done you brave brave woman.

Mothers like you should sit on the thrones of heaven, I really do believe.

Grrlscout Mon 21-Jan-08 10:23:38

I'm so, so sorry to read this. I was abused by my neighbour from 7-9 yrs of age. I don't remember every bit of it, mercifully, but yes, it has affected me. There are moments even as a grown woman that I find myself wondering who knew and when and why they didn't do anything. The fact that you did something when you found out both times (older & younger child) says a lot about you as a mum. * hugs * Has your older daughter said anything about abuse?

I can understand what you're saying about not wanting him to be around your children, but if he has properly supervised visits with them, he can't molest them. Properly supervised meaning supervision by an impartial third party you trust. You might see him as a sick waste of space, but your kids may not see him like that - particularly as they get older.

Get a new lawyer. Aside from the abuse, I can't imagine the court seriously entertaining the idea of shared custody or unsupervised visitation with a man who has the turbulent mental history you describe. Has your lawyer raised this before the court? He might be medicated and in therapy, but surely part of him rebuilding his life would be to accept that he needs to own up to his separation?

Grrlscout Mon 21-Jan-08 10:26:03

Sorry, was feeling so * arrrgh * that I didn't realise the last sentence of my post didn't make sense. He has to own up to the things he's done in his life, including the reasons for his split with you and with his kids.

Hope that makes more sense. Am off to get coffee now! blush

sleepingwiththeenemy Mon 21-Jan-08 11:23:57

Unfortunately he's not on medication; he refuses to take the AD's prescribed by the gp. He also refuses to go into therapy.
Your post makes sense when applied to the majority of people; unfortunately not to him. He will never ever accept his own faults...he has never said sorry for anything, big or small...he sees himself as above the law, considers all people as stupid and himself as superior.
To be honest, even supervised contact would make me sick to the stomach. As far as I'm concerned, he gave up his rights to DD when he did what he did to her. She says he touched her and she asked him to stop...he wouldn't. She says he 'played' with his penis in front of her, and it changed into 'a long willy and then a small one again'...he told her not to tell Mummy...
My older children are not his and mercifully will never have to have anything to do with him again. At the age of 7 he made my daughter scrub floors and toilets *with bleach* as a punishment for something. He would lock her in her room for 24 hours with not a toy or book in sight. he called my son, aged 5, such horrific homophobic names that it still affects him now, and he is vert sensitive and easily affected by any unkindness, perceived or real.
I'm going from being numb about it all to being really really angry...which is a good thing I think! I have the name of a specialist solicitor who works with the women's refuge here in domestic abuse and child protection, so will let you all know how that goes.

Grrlscout Mon 21-Jan-08 12:48:43

If he isn't trying to help himself and you have proof (not taking prescribed meds), he's making your case for you re: custody & unsupervised visits.

Not sure if it would actually make a difference either way, but I'd be careful in how you discuss this custody/visitation court fight with whomever is investigating the abuse. I wouldn't lie about it, but I wouldn't want to perhaps give police or social workers a reason to maybe think that was the source of your complaint. It isn't, clearly, but you see what I mean. Guaranteed it will be the first thing he mentions when questioned about the abuse - as his ex out to get him. People can be weird about abuse. It's easier to pretend it didn't happen than to admit that it did and that an adult needs to be stopped.

Either way, I'm very proud of you for listening to your daughter and standing by her. She took a big risk in telling you, and it's a real testiment to you as a mum that she trusted you enough.

I just reread the bit about what he did in your last post and it's enough to make me cry. I can't imagine what its doing to you. Big, big hugs to you and your little one!

sleepingwiththeenemy Mon 21-Jan-08 14:42:40

There is no court fight at the moment...all he did was see a solicitor to see if I;d agree to him having DD every Saturday. he's threatening court action, but to be honest I'm not sure if he would anyway, as he always said he'd never line another solicitors pockets (his words). he is the sort of man who will back down and run when faced with any kind of confrontation (either that or he'll carry out another suicide attempt).

G;lad to see that you have found a different solicitor

Youe ex should nbot be allowed to get away with what he has done

You are so brave, SWTE

mamasara82 Mon 21-Jan-08 18:47:58

God I am so sorry this is happening to you, your baby girl & your 2 other childern.

Just want to say your daughter may have memories of this when she gets older but as long as your there she will get through it.

I was raped a few times by my brother when I was 5 (he was 12 or 13). I didn't remember anything until I was in a cafe with a friend at aged 16. I thought I was sick and I was making it up in my mind but then a year or so later found out it was true.

I then went off the rails a bit and started going out the this bloke. We moved in together after on 4mths of seeing each other. Within a month he was physically, mentally and sexually abusing me. he even got me turned againist my whole family. It took me 2yrs to get away from him. I also had the same threats as you but I moved countries.

I am now happily married with a daughter aged 20mths.

The reason I have said all this is to let you know there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am now a well adjusted person and very happy so even if your daughter does rememeber anything she can come out the other end and be happy.

mamasara82 Mon 21-Jan-08 18:49:37

Just want to add - I don't think I would be the well adjusted happy person I am without my husband.

Kezza7779 Tue 22-Jan-08 18:31:03

I havent read the whole thread as i havent got time, but i am a Social Worker for social Services.

Did you report H to the Police or Social services?

You should have and still can go straight to the police. (its quicker)!!
You will be given an incident number (take note of it) they should then almost immediately come out and talk to you and your daughter and as doublebluff said more than likely video record her interview.

The police will automatically inform social services access team where a social worker would normally be allocated to a case. You need to get the ball rolling, number one DD may forget what happened or details may become cloudy, and two beacuse he has already started on a contact case. It is very unlikely that H would have unsupervised contact at this stage, any SW would regard it as far too risky. Supervised (by a SW) contact is much more likely and you dont have to be near or present if u do not wish. Can u confirm exactly what stage you are at?xx

Kezza7779 Tue 22-Jan-08 18:52:35

I just read more and see you mentioned the worry that he may have any contact at all. At 3 DD quite rightly has no idea that what has happened to her is wrong, i have worked with children much older and into their teens who do remember horrific abuse but still choose to have contact with the abuser. its unlikely DD will even remember so there will be Q's - wheres Daddy, why cant i see him, doesnt he love me anymore? Supervised contact properly organised by a SW or independent organisation would be a better way forward for her. (She may feel abandoned / unloved as se doesnt understand)

If you object to any contact it may look to the courts / solicitors your merely being bitter and dont want him around rather than actually fearing for her safety (i know that sounds awful givn the situ) just wanted to make u aware of the bigger picture x x x x x

sleepingwiththeenemy Tue 22-Jan-08 21:33:11

Hi, and thanks for the info, very helpful. I informed social services, who in turn informed the local police, who in turn informed the police where the alleged incidents took place. I am now just waiting to hear. Can you tell me what would happen re: supervised contact given that we are now over 200 miles away? Would he have to come here or would we have to go down there? It's just that I don't want him knowing where we are as I know he will come after me for this. I have a feeling that he will refuse supervised contact anyway. What happens in that case?
mamasara, thankyou so much. I am sorry you went through that, and I am always amazed when other women post their painful stories in order to help others. I am so pleased that you are happy now, and with a husband who supports you and makes you 'whole'. Wonderful smile

Kezza7779 Tue 22-Jan-08 22:15:26

You would probably go to him (if u can) or meet in a mutual county / town. If he refuses supervised contact after a judge or SW have recommended this It is likely he will go without contact - there isnt usually a choice!!

Can u chase up the police as its unusual to leave something so serious so long!

I work in a hildrens home and one of the children made an allocation that a local shop keeper tried to touch her breast, i called the police immediately and they were interviewing but the girl and myself within half an hour. within an hour the guy had been arrested. He was released on conditional bail (ie no contact with the girl and not to go near her home) He subsequently came round to the unit armed with bats etc looking for her - he was remanded.

This is why you have to get the police onto this quickly, if your ex does come looking for you there is no eveidence of statements from you or your DD of whats already gone on, im aware you have reported it etc but you need to push. Dont let the Bastard win, fight - you are in the right and he is an unstable guy who is capable of allsorts.

Have you had incidents in the past involving him and the police / violence etc. if so try and reall when they were and inform the police when you make your statement so they can compile a history. All of this will later be presented to CPS who access wether there is a case here. it all matters. Violence tou you, your kids, the public.

Kezza7779 Tue 22-Jan-08 22:17:05

sorry about the terrible typing!!

mamasara82 Wed 23-Jan-08 06:00:39

Thank you sleepingwiththeenemy. I just wanted you to know there will be happiness after this. I am only sorry I didn't report my ex.

It is true what kezza said previously that the child can grow up wanting to see the abuser.

I still see my brother and I have forgiven him too. I think this is why I was able to move on. Forgiveness is a big thing to do but if you can you will be able to over come things.

I hope he doesn't find you and I hope he does get convicted. I hope this will be over for you sometime soon

sleepingwiththeenemy Wed 23-Jan-08 08:44:33

There is a history of abuse; when we lived overseas I had to call the Military Police because he had chased me over the flat and then pinnedmedown on ths settee by the throat when I was pregnant. I had to have him removedfrom the house over here last December by the police after another incident...they refused to allow him to stay in the house with me as they were concerned about his mental state. As I said he was detained in a psych hospital for 3 months (just prior to meeting me) for his own safety and the safety of others. He has hit my daughter across the face, and dragged her from the top of the stairs to the bottom and obviously social services convened a child protection case conference regarding my older 2 last year; they only dropped it as I was making plans to leave, thus the threat was being removed.

Kezza7779 Wed 23-Jan-08 12:54:13

you have a very very strong case, you need to persue it, as i say chase up the police / ss and get the ball rolling, good luck and keep us all posted x x

sleepingwiththeenemy Wed 23-Jan-08 20:57:13

Hi, well an officer from the police child protection unit came out today, along with a social worker. It was pretty tough going; the officer was very straight talking and warned me about the consequences of making the whole thing up (!!!!). I can't believe anyone would do that, although he said it does happen. Anyway, we talked a bit about what had happened; he had a whole file of papers which I guess he got off the police system, and said to me that there was a fair bit of domestic abuse over the last few years, and if I am going to do this, I have to do it right and we should not only go for the alleged incidents with my little one,but also the whole abuse directed at me and the 2 older children. He wants to take a detailed statement from me, probably Friday, and also wants to do a video interview with my 2 older ones, particularly my daughter as I told him some of the inappropriate things he had said and done and he said we are looking for a pattern of behaviour etc etc...
Then the social worker talked to DD2...and wouldn't you believe it...she didn't say anything!!! Only that Daddy used to bath her but the social worker didn't really probe or ask the 'right' questions IYSWIM. But at least they can't say I have coached her or told her what to say!
They have also logged the address I'm at with the station so that should my ex find me our call will be given priority and there should be a rapid response.
He asked me the names of everyone who I might have told my whereabouts to and said his main concern is that ex will find me and turn up. I don't know whether or not anything has come up in his records which I'm not aware of but he seemed pretty concerned about what will happen if I'm found. It's nice in a way that my fears are being taken seriously, as I'm sure others think I'm being overdramatic.
Anyway, that's what's happened up til now.

mumof2fabkids Wed 23-Jan-08 21:47:35

Hi, how are you? Exhausted I suspect. You did good. I'm really pleased the police and social worker were like this with you, they've taken you all seriously and things will progress from here, and it's all on record which I know was a concern before. Have a drink and an early night, god knows if anyone deserves it, you do. Keep strong and keep us posted, thinking of you. xx

sleepingwiththeenemy Thu 24-Jan-08 09:35:53

Hi...well I had an early night but sleep completely evaded me I'm afraid! And as for the drink...if I start I don't think I'll stop!
The social worker was...I don't know...well she made mefeel very uncomfortable. She asked did LO know that privates were private IYSWIM...I said I had never had that conversation with her, after all she is only 3. She then made me feel about 2 inches tall saying that ALL parents must tell ALL kids that this is the case, and I should have done it. Talk about making me feel like a ** mother! Or maybe I'm just ultra sensitive.
The police officer on the other hand did put me at ease; he watched me every time I spoke, and was almost scrutinising my facial expressions etc, but after a while I got the impression he believed me and will pull out all the stops.
I have to admit that I am struggling emotionally. My oldest daughter is giving me a lot of VERY moody and nasty most of the time, which creates an atmosphere. So that on top of the ongoing stuff is very very difficult.
The police said it'd be unusual if the ex hadn't done this before...and implied that my older one could have been subjected to it. Verbally I know she has, but it never crossed my mind that physically he could have done anything BUT her behaviour in the last year is making me question that. For instance, she told people at school that she was pregnant (!!!) which the headmistress called me at home to tell me, and she also was telling people she had been having sex in the local park which also got back to the staff at school. (She wasn't pregnant and as far as I know she wasn't having sex). When 'how to loook good naked' was on one night, my son said 'bblleeuuugghh...look at those women in their bras' My daughter said 'you should see what I do in the park then'.
I was at a loss when this was all going on, but now I'm wondering...

titchy Thu 24-Jan-08 10:47:34

I think you need to talk to your older dd - does she know about what your younger dd has said? Maybe her moods are cos her younger sister's abuse has led to police and SS coming in, and if she has been abused nothing happened as a result. So sorry for you all sad

mamasara82 Thu 24-Jan-08 10:54:05

My friends niece is going through that at the moment. It just came out about 3 or 4 months ago that her dad was touching her up.

You really need to sit and have a chat to her. Might be worth going to a counsellor if she won't talk to you about it.

Think of you a lot at the moment. x

sleepingwiththeenemy Thu 24-Jan-08 11:53:55

Hi. To be fair her moods have been an ongoing thing pretty much as far back as when she was 5. This was before HE was on the scene so I can't attribute it to him. BUT the stuff about pregnancy and sex only started in September this year - HE left in August. I don't know if I'm putting 2 and 2 together now and coming up with a head is all over the place. I know teenage girls go all skew wiff with their hormones at this age but to tell people she was pregnant, and was having sex in the park etc...that seems beyond 'normal' teenage behaviour.
It's very difficult to talk to her at the moment...she's a very troubled girl and has said that she can't talk to me about some things which really cut me to the core as I have always been the kind of Mum who will listen to them day or night, and they can talk to me about sex, periods, drugs...I never shy away from 'embarrassing' questions.
Titchy...she does know what LO has said - not details obviously but the general gist of it. She knows (or should know) that if she came to me and told me anything like that I'd believe her 100%. Social services offered her counselling last year, but she refused to go, said she'd just sit there and not speak if I made her go. I hate to say it but she's like one of those kids on 'brat camp' hard and cold and distant. I just can't seem to reach her.
I'm struggling tremendously at the moment. I'm back to the old pattern of throwing up every morning with nerves and panic, and my whole body is on edge, shaking a lot of the time and if someone only looks at me the wrong way I cry. When the police were talking to me yesterday I was trembling...I couldn't stop my chin from wobbling as I spoke. I have no support whatsoever from family - I have friends here who are good to me and rally round, but it's not the same.
I just want someone to put their arms around me and let me howl and howl. Does that sound pathetic? God, it does! Sorry.

Kezza7779 Thu 24-Jan-08 12:03:11

Hi again, I dont agree AT ALL about what the SW said about telling your 3 yr old daughter that private parts are private, at 3 you should be protecting her innocence which is exactly what you are doing. 3 year olds shouldnt know that a vagina is for sex or anything like that, this is something you should do when she is a bit older.
As for older DD i really think you should sit her down ad talk WITH her (this is where the friend, not so much mother part takes over)have u chatted with her about sex etc? how old is she? does she know whats happened with your 3 yr old? If she does know about it have you asked her if ex ever did anything like this to her (stating it would not of been her fault and that he is WRONG!!! Alot of kids get brainwashed by their abusers and genuinely believe that its their fault. her behaviour IS suggesting that something is up, not that she neccassarily has been abused by ex but that everything that has gone on in your lives has had an impact on her. you need to get her to open up to you otherwise she maywell be on self destruct. Have you explained to her the reason you moved was to keep them all safe beacuse you love them, we keep things from our LO's to protect them but they usually know more that we think, they end up filling the gaps with what they think is happening instead of the FACTS.xxxx

mamasara82 Thu 24-Jan-08 12:37:07

Sleepingwiththeenemy - I would love to give you a bug hug and let you howl.

I wish you had a good support network because it would probably make everything that bit more bearable.

sleepingwiththeenemy Thu 24-Jan-08 12:42:10

Hi Kezza...I'm glad you agree about not telling a 3 year old as suggested by the SW. She made me feellike a crap mother.
Yes, I have chatted to DD about sex, many times. Very frank and open conversations which is why I am so perplexed by her behaviour. She does know what happened with LO - I'll have to sit down with her tonight and chat to her and ask her outright, as you say.
They all know the reason we moved; the move has been beneficial to all of us...the 2 older ones love it here, far more than our old place. They have both settled in school well, and are already benefitting from being in a big city as opposed to complete isolation which is what we had before as we were way out in the sticks. I've explained to them the dangers to all of us of staying, and the mere suggestion of moving back has filled them with horror.
BTW, the older DD is 13.

sleepingwiththeenemy Thu 24-Jan-08 12:45:02

mamasara...I do have a support network, as such. But I think what I need is a mother's hug if that makes sense? I'm so done in being strong, and 'there' for everyone else, and keeping it all together and just once ina while I'd like to be able to let go, crumble and cry it all out, and then be picked up, dusted off and set back on the path again.
My mother just does not want to know. End of. She's never been there for me, for all the major upheavals in my life, and I've strived for 39 years for her love and approval. I have to face the fact that I'm never going to get it.

mamasara82 Thu 24-Jan-08 12:49:01

That is so sad. You just leave me lost for words everyday.

mamasara82 Thu 24-Jan-08 12:57:17

I just wish I could be more help to you.

mamasara82 Thu 24-Jan-08 12:57:28

I just wish I could be more help to you.

Baffy Thu 24-Jan-08 13:26:22

sleepingwiththeenemy I've just read your whole thread and am totally lost for words. I know you probably don't feel it, but you are so strong and you are an amazing mum to your children.

angry at what the social services woman said to you though - they should be there to help and support you, not make you feel like a bad mum for protecting the innocence of your children! You have done nothing wrong. At all.

I don't know if you're close by to me but I'd gladly give you a hug and let you cry it all out! You really do need some support for you in all of this. Take care of yourself too.

You do sound like you have a lot of evidence and a strong case. I really hope this can have a positive outcome for you and you and your dc never have to see him ever again.

sleepingwiththeenemy Thu 24-Jan-08 14:15:51 are helping just with your kind words. Honestly, it is so nice to know that someone is thinking about me and the children. So thankyou.
Baffy...No, I don't feel like I'm strong. I feel incredibly weak to be honest. If I could I'd just go to bed and not get up again, just pull the duvet up over my head and hide. I don't feel like a good mother either- i have one daughter who barely speaks to me and another whom I failed to protect. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself today, I don't know. I'm soooo tired.
The police want to know if there was any sexual abuse towards all honesty I don't know.You know, abusers make you doubt yourself and what's normal. The circumstances surrounding my youngest daughter's conception have always caused me problems... I had previously lost a baby, only 3 months before...a hideous miscarriage which involved an operation and 2 blood transfusions (during the miscarriage we were on holiday in Gibraltar...he knew I was bleeding and losing the baby but still made me climb the rock of Gibraltar in searing heat). So when 'the night' in question came around, I told him I didn't want to have sex, as I was terrified of falling pregnant again. he has always refused to use a condom and I wasn't on the pill. He insisted, said to trust him and he wouldn't 'go that far'. Well...he did, went all the way despite me crying and asking him not to, and then just grinned at me and said 'oops'. It all sounds so juvenile, and something a teenager does, but to say no to a controlling abuser just doesn't happen. So do I tell the police that?He wants to know every second of our relationship, but not sure I can bring myself to tell him that. He is wanting to build up a picture of the ex, and I know I should tell them every single thing as I can't go back later and say it. God, this is a nightmare.
He also used prostitutes I believe...I found them on the computer when I was pregnant...he had searched in our town and also the town he was going to the next day for a few days.
I also found a site/downloaded programme on the computer called 'join the orgy' wasn't there by mistake, it had been installed. I never opened it and when I asked him about it he denied installing it and just deleted it from the computer. This along with letting DD2 watch porn with him on the computer. Lo and behold, shortly after this he told me the hard drive had crashed, and took it out, and put in an external hard drive which he took with him when he left. I had to sell the pc in December to raise money for xmas pressies for Dcs, so no evidence to give with regards the computer.

Baffy Thu 24-Jan-08 14:22:27

I'm really sorry but if you can, you really do need to tell the police all of that. As hard as it is for you to say those things out loud and re-live those memories, they do need to know everything.

That way they will build up the best picture they can of him, and that can only be a good thing in helping you to get the outcome you and your children deserve.

Do you have RL people who can come and support you?


mamasara82 Thu 24-Jan-08 14:23:40

My ex used to do nasty things like that. I would stay no but he would still have sex and do that grin afterwards. I once woke up to him trying to have anal with me. All fucked up!!

My ex was sexually abused by his uncle for 9yrs and thats why he was so fucked up.

Do you think your ex is the abused becoming the abuser.

I think you should tell police every thing that happened that night and if you can think of any other times too it will really build the case against. Something you think is small might be big to the police.

dizietsma Thu 24-Jan-08 18:10:55

Have been following this thread and just wanted to add my support. I know that right now you just feel terrible, but I think you should know that you have been very brave and strong in a very difficult situation.

I think that in order to make life easier on you, you need to find as much support as you can. It sounds like your mum is hopeless, but what about other family members? Brothers, Sisters, your Dad, Cousins, Aunts, Grandparents etc? What about your friends? Reach out to everyone you can and explain how hard things are right now and that you really need their help and moral support. Often you'll find that people are really keen to help and have just been waiting to be asked as they didn't know what they could do.

Honestly, it does sound like you should have a friendly chat with your older DD. Get everything out into the open- tell her you love her very much and your sorry she had to live in such a horrible situation, but that you're trying to fix things now and if there's anything she needs to tell you or anything that you can do to help her she should tell you now so you can all work together to make things right again.

As far as the incident in Gibraltar is concerned I am so sorry you had that terrible experience. To me it sounds like you were raped. It is not consensual sex when one person is crying because they asked the other person to stop. You should certainly report this to the police, but more importantly I suggest you contact Rape Crisis to talk over this terribly traumatic experience and perhaps arrange counselling.

(((HUGS))) and keep posting here if you find it helps, we're all here to help support you in any way we can.

diz x

I read this and couldn't not post to say how strong you are, and how much you are doing the right thing for your dcs.

You sound fantastic and lovely and a wonderful mum. Please keep posting and let us all help if we can.

Lots of virtual hugs, and a large bottle of wine.


Kezza7779 Thu 24-Jan-08 23:42:19

QUOTE = "*Baffy...No, I don't feel like I'm strong. I feel incredibly weak to be honest. If I could I'd just go to bed and not get up again, just pull the duvet up over my head and hide. I don't feel like a good mother either- i have one daughter who barely speaks to me and another whom I failed to protect. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself today, I don't know. I'm soooo tired*"

Oh my god how can u say this about yourself? You are SO SO strong, you are protecting your children from a horrid fucked up abuser, you have left everything and moved miles from anywhere or anyone you know. God this is strength in its most powerful force. You have a mother who is everything that you are NOT. youve done all this with NO support. Everyone who reads this will and do take their (OUR) hats off to you.


Ok so your 13 year old is barely talking to you, shes 13 whats new - typical of a 13 year old teenager most would agree. Youve all been through a tough time including her but as you say they are pleased to be away from it all and have settled in well. STOP beating yourself up, you are doing everything a good mother would do. You cant do anymore. The fact you havent cracked and hidden under a duvet says it all.

As for what to tell the police, im afraid theres no pride to be had in all this and in order to build a good strong case you have to tell them eveything. Even the small things all contribute towards a much much bigger picture. Imagine you are the CPS (crown prosecution service) if you are reading a case in which to possibly send to court, you would need All the detail, not just bits here and there.

There was clearly stuff on that computer, do you know who you sold it to? it might be worth having a think about it as it will surely have VERY incriminating evidence on it!xxxxx

Baffy Fri 25-Jan-08 00:42:32

good post Kezza, totally agree

sleepingwiththeenemy I hope you're ok and getting some rest

sleepingwiththeenemy Fri 25-Jan-08 13:05:48

Another sleepless night sad. I talked to DD1 last night - it was quite a nice chat despite all the tension and moods over the last few weeks; I told her I needed her help and support and she opened up and told me she was geting hassle at school; nothing major thankfully, and she knows it...more irritating, usual playground stuff by the sounds of it. Anyway, I asked her if HE had ever done anything to her, that whatever she toldme I would believe her without hesitation etc, and she maintains he didn't do anything to her physically, just the things he said and the way he made her feel. I'm satisfied and happy that it doesn't appear to have happened to her. Having said that, I can recall going swimming one day with the family, and she was wearing a bikini. I remember thinking at the time that something didn't feel right, as he ignored me and the younger children and spent the whole time with her, carrying her around the pool, one arm under her knees the other around her shoulders. Anyone looking on would swear they were a couple IYSWIM. It made me feel uncomfortable at the time.
Anyway...the computer - no, unfortunately I have no idea who bought it.I put an ad on a notice board, and someone bought it. I don't have an address or contact number or even a name. Not a lot I can do about that. I'm aware that if it goes to court that will look dodgy, but at the end of the day I had no idea this was going to happen, and I needed money for xmas so I sold it. I have a laptop so I didn't need the big one.
On to better news though...I contacted the council here yesterday. I had registered with them, but they put me on the lowest priority band despite the danger of abuse should we return to our house. But I e mailed them yesterday and told them what had happened and that there was now a police investigation etc, and regardless of what the outcome is, the danger is immeasurable to myself and the children should he find us. They've agreed that this is so, and I can't go back there, and are going to 'get the ball rolling' in getting us rehoused here. At the moment we are staying with a friend, but his house is only a 2 bed, and the children are sharing one room and we are under each other's feet, so to get our own place will be brilliant. I just have to wait to get the paperwork through, and then go and see a homelessness officer and hopefully then something will happen. A small glimmer of hope in a horrible situation. It will be a huge step towards settling into our new life, laying down roots.

Kezza7779 Fri 25-Jan-08 14:08:44

Thats all good news, im so pleased that DD1 escaped your ex's abuse to a certain extent. I would say that from the swimming incident it seems he is interested in young children but at the very least she hasnt suffered any physical abuse. My cousin married / and is still married to a sick pedo, he sexually abused my step cousin who spoke out finally at the age of 16, she came to live with me for several yrs after, my whole family turned on us defending him, he then went onto abuse my other step cousin (the sister), he got away with it as both girls just wated to move on and forget about it - what an injustice!!!!! he has 2 girls himself, ones now a teenager, imagine all the little friends that go round to their house and sleep there etc, they are so vulnerable and it pains me to know that others could be at risk. Ive reported him so have others and his kids are on the at risk register but still hes still out there. Bastard!!
Im glad the council are supporting you thats realy good news. keep us posted x x x

DoubleBluff Sat 26-Jan-08 14:13:09

Sleep just catching up wit all that has happened. You are doing so well. You shoud be really proud of yourself.
Agree with Kezza - you should tell the Police everything they can decide wheter it is useful or not.
And please don't feel embarrased they have prob heard it all ( and worse ) before.
Good Luck.
I have this thread on watch and check in when I can!

sleepingwiththeenemy Sat 26-Jan-08 18:02:46

Hi. I know I should tell all, but the thought of perhaps having to go to court, and go through the 'intimate'details of my marriage just fills me with horror. I can't even begin to contemplate having to face him...I feel so sick at the thought of it.
Kezza...hard to believe about your cousin - and yet so many women stick by men like this.
DD2 was drawing pictures today. I had Robbie Williams on the CD player, and she drew a picture and said 'this is Wobbly Williams' (I know., sweet), and this is his willy'. I looked at the picture and she'd drawn a very large 'penis'..I aksed what the picture was of next to him and she said 'his child'. Strange pics for a 3 year old to be drawing. She talks about willys an awful lot.

Kezza7779 Sat 26-Jan-08 22:47:52

Of course it does, noone wants to aire their dirty washing in public but sometimes needs must and this is one of those times. It may well never get that far where you have to stand up in court and say it but you should give the case your best shot.
Your daughter does appear to know alot about willys etc and no doubt where it has come from. keep the picture and a record of what she said.......

mumof2fabkids Sat 26-Jan-08 23:08:05

Hi, hope you are OK? Totally agree with Kezza too, the police will need to know everything as they need your help to build a case against this crazy b@@@*. Believe me, he'll be doing the same, although no-one in their right mind would believe him. Also, keep the picture your DD drew and show it to the police officer working on this, may not be used, but just show him anyway. Don't let that Social Worker make you feel like a crap mother, seriously, who the hell would tell their 3 yr old about things like that? Forget about what she said, I'd love to see how many mums on here would discuss this with their 3 yr olds, show her their responses! You're doing great and are such an inspiration, I can't tell you. You will have bad days, but you're doing the right thing for your family. Wishing you strength, peace and a good nights sleep, thinking of you all, take care xxx

mamasara82 Wed 06-Feb-08 16:55:25

Hi sleepingwiththeenemy, how have you been?

sleepingwiththeenemy Sun 10-Feb-08 18:27:16

Hi all. Sorry I haven't been back on for a while; my head is in a mess with all of this. It's much much worse than I originally thought and to be honest I'm finding it difficult to come to terms with. Ok...the detective who's investigating came to take my statement the other day. He had said he needed the ins and outs of my marriage, warts and all, so to help me I typed up some notes; I only meant to put a few notes down but in the end there were 7 pages. Some of it was very difficult sexual stuff, but in the end I thought WTF...I have to disclose everything if I am to protect my baby. Some of it I had put to the back of my mind, preferring not to think about it. Anyway, the DC read through it and said 'didn't I tell you this won't have been the first time he's offended?' I asked what he meant and he showed me the notes on which he'd written RAPE twice, and underlined it on the page. He told me that the 2 instances he was referring to constituted rape against me. And sorry if it's too much information but one of those instances was anal rape (which I had shut away in my mind).
Then and much much worse, my little one started talking to him about a picture she'd drawn. She explained that it was Daddy with his penis, and her with her vagina (not those words obviously), and the det asked her what the thing in between them was and she said it was the cream Daddy used when his willy got long. She then said that Daddy used to touch her vagina with his penis. She has since told me that when he did that it made her vagina all sticky. Anyway, the det explained to me that even if there is no penetration as such, as soon as the penis tip touches the vagina, it constitutes rape. So they want to charge him with 2 counts of rape against me,and one against my baby. I have to go and give a video statement on Tuesday, and the police want my 2 older children to do the same later in the week. He said he doesn't need to do that with the LO as she has already told him what he needs to know. He asked her to draw a picture of himself, and she did minus the penis...this he said proved her innocence and honesty as it shows she isn't aware that all men have willies, only her father.
Once the video interviews have been taken, they will send the whole lot to my old hometown where he still lives, for them to take up the investigation. It's a nightmare. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to deal with the fact that a) I was the victim of rape and b) and much much worse my baby was too. It's inconceivable to believe I married a man capable of this. How could I not have known? It all took place whilst I was there from what I can feels like I let it go on.
I am petrified of what the future holds. If he gets away with it he will come after me, I'm sure. He'll feel he has nothing to know when you read about a man shooting his estranged wife and then turning the gun on himself? That's truly what I can see happening. He places no value on life,(he's suicidal at the best of times) so wouldn't think twice about ending his own and mine. Remember he's mentally ill and unstable.
I even want to start a martial arts class so I'm at least better equipped but I came here with nothing to get away from the situation and I'm on benefits and can't afford the fees. I feel like my life is just crumbling around my ears.

Littlefish Sun 10-Feb-08 18:37:12

SWTE - I'm just so, so sorry to read your update. I really don't know what to say to you, but wanted you to know that you're being listened to.

McDreamy Sun 10-Feb-08 18:43:54

oh sleeping I too have no advice but just want you to know that you have friends here. I am so sorry for your situation, sad I don't know what to say.

HansieMom Sun 10-Feb-08 19:44:52

Do you have a PayPal account? I'd be happy to put some money in it to help pay for martial arts class. I don't want to collect the money as I live in another country.

It would be a good, positive thing for you to do. You could kick and punch and get out a lot of anger.

I'm so glad the detective is doing such a good job of investigating.

eandh Sun 10-Feb-08 20:26:12

SWTE - have just read the whole thread and you are sobrave and doing exactly the right thing. I ended up at the police station weekend before xmas with my brothers fiancee as her ex had phoned and said he was coming to kill her and snatch her son (he is the bio father) thankfully she had record on her phone and called the police, they caught him half way to their house (she made a big move away from her family and friemds to be with my brother) she has taken a injunction out against him, and like you, the polic managed to persuade her to give lots of details of their relationship to help secure a convinction (he had held a blade to her throat when her ds was 6 weeks old - that is when she left). She is only 21 and was so scared and frightened but she has done it now, supervied contact was offered but to date he has not seen ds since November. She agreed his parents could see her ds on his birthday at a mutual place and that has been it.

Well done for doing what you are doing and please let us know if anyone can do anything to help

Appalling to read this. You are incredibly brave and MUST see it through as you are doing. None of this is your fault. How could you have known? Of course you trusted your H with your daughter. Why would you not?

The main thing is for you to feel safe. Do whatever you have to in order for that to happen.

Please keep posting - we are all here for you.

Lots of love,


dittany Sun 10-Feb-08 20:42:02

Sleeping, that's terrible. And to be confronted with someone telling you you've been raped too. I'm so sorry. sad

I think you have to tell your fears to the police, it does sound like they are taking you very seriously. Have you thought of contacting Rape Crisis as well ( )?

sleepingwiththeenemy Sun 10-Feb-08 20:58:42

Hansie...that is so kind of you, but I couldn't possibly accept. Your words have touched me though,and that in itself has been a great help.
I am going to have to seek help in dealing with this I think. I have 2 seperate issues going on about me (and even that makes me feel stupid,not labelling it as rape even though it was me it happened only justification is that the longer you spend with an abuser the more blurred thelines become between acceptable behaviour and unacceptable). The other, and much worse, is what happened to my baby. There are so many emotions going on within me...guilt, shame, embarrassment, horror, repulsion, anger...and then fear of what is to come. It makes my skin crawl to think that I spent time with this man, had sex with him, slept next to him...
The detective in charge is lovely. He spent a lot of time putting me at ease before the statement began, and warned me how blunt he was going to be so it wasn't too big a shock. It's a shame that the whole case will be passed onto another constabulary as I guess that means he will no longer be dealing with it and I've come to trust him. I will be detailing how scared I am, and what my fears are when I do the interview on for instance I walked down to the local shop with DD2...for the first time since I got here I felt really nervous. Then on the way back there were some lads playing football and there was the sound of smashing glass and I almost ** myself...I couldn't get back to the house fast enough. I need to get on top of this before I start having panic attacks I think.

dizietsma Sun 10-Feb-08 21:03:36

SWTE, you might remember that earlier in this thread I put up a link to rape crisis after you described a horrible incident in Gibraltar? Now's the time to call them and arrange counselling, it sounds as though you will be going through some really difficult emotions right now and you need support.

My stepdad was emotionally and physically abusive. I remember how my mother became completely bound up in this normalised world of violence. She lived it day to day and it just became routine, this is what has happened to you. Now you've left the situation you are able to see it for what it is, and I bet you feel stunned that you hadn't seen it earlier. It's not your fault, this is what abusers do. When your little girl told you what happened you protected her and acted on it immediately- sadly a vanishingly rare response in these situations, you were very brave.

If you are afraid of reprisals from your ex there are a number of precautions you can take, I suggest you call women's aid to discuss them and alert the police to your concerns. I believe that if you pre-warn them they can flag up any calls from your number to receive a quick response.

I'm sure it must feel pretty dark where you are right now, this is when you need your loving friends and family to rally around, please contact them for emotional support.

Keep posting here for support too, if it helps you. There are lots of women here who have been in similar situations and lots of us here who are rooting for you.

When it all gets too much try to remember that there will be a time when all this is a distant memory and you will feel safe.


diz x

p.s. I think doing martial arts or some kind of self-defence course is a great idea.

onebatmother Sun 10-Feb-08 21:06:21

Oh God swte I don't know what to say. How brave you are, even though you are, I know, terrified.

I'll be thinking of you. I'll go in with Hansie for a bit of cash if you change your mind about the lessons.

MissyTheFlouncer Sun 10-Feb-08 21:14:18

me too pls let us help put towards it.

i have not followed this until now and i am so sorry for your situation.

you and your dd are in my thoughts


sleepingwiththeenemy Sun 10-Feb-08 21:17:36

dizietsma...the number is already flagged to the police station for a rapid response. They are taking my fears seriously I am pleased to say. I am due to move into a house of my own here soon and I'm going to ask for a panic alarm etc.
Sadly I don't have family to rally around.My mother won't be any help so I've not even told her the whole story. From bitter past experience I know her reaction would be one of ME for reporting or 'washing my dirty linen in public', or misreading the signs etc...if you recall in an earlier post when 2 men tried to abduct me fromthe street when I was a little girl she came out of the shop and belted me across the face for encouraging them!No help there I'm afraid. Similarly my brother...despite me trying to re establish contact with him several times over the years he has consistently refused to take the bait. And I can't take the rejection again should he do the same. Friends all fell by the wayside when I married XP...he was hated by everyone so no one would come near. Luckily I have friends here whom he knows nothing about, so I have a small but trusted network around me.

mamasara82 Sun 10-Feb-08 21:35:41

Hi sleepingwiththeenemy, you have no idea how strong you are. You are a fantastic mother. You need to be reminded of this at least everyday because I know you feel guilty inside but there was nothing you could do when it happened.

I haven't stopped thinking about you and so glad you have decided to started coming on mumsnet because it will do you good.

I too will put some money on your paypal account for you to have a little bit of normality in your life and just to escape.

If I can help in any way just let me know.

You and your 3 babies are in my heart and have been watching out for you everyday just hoping you are doing ok.

Thinking of you lots. Mamasara

mamasara82 Sun 10-Feb-08 21:38:04

I live in brighton so if you are any where near me we could meet for a cuppa or drink. My email address is

cinnamontam Sun 10-Feb-08 21:46:25

Sleepingwiththeenemy - I have no experience of what you are going through but couldn't not post anything after your update today.

I just wanted to say that you are an incredible woman and your little DD is blessed to have you as her Mum.

I think doing some self defence classes would be great and would also love to 'chip in' if you let us.

Will be thinking of you both and praying for safety and some calm as you get through this...and you will xx

sleepingwiththeenemy Sun 10-Feb-08 21:47:47

Thankyou so much, all of you. The offers of money are so very kind, but I couldn't accept. But thankyou from the bottom of my heart.
Mamasara...despite the feelings of guilt I am getting stronger by the day, and the absolute hatred I feel for this man is growing...and although I dislike the word hate it's what I need to give me the courage to see this through. In order to stand up in court and have my sex life exposed, and examined, and questioned will be horrific so I need that hate to propel me forwards. Does that make sense?
I am well aware that this will ruin his life; I have had moments of doubt...not of DD2 and what she has told me because I have never doubted her for a second, but more doubt as to whether I can be responsible for 'ruining' his life. Don't think I feel sorry for him becuase I don't, but it's a massive responsibility to do this knowing what the consequences are. There is a very real chance that he will top himself over this due to his ever present suicidal thoughts, and that's a heavy cross for anyone to bear. What I wanted, before all of this came out, was to just take the children and run far away, never to be found. But when she started telling me what she did I couldn't ignore it, I had to take the steps I took.
I live in constant fear of what she'll tell me next...each time she tells me a little bit more and it gets worse.

mamasara82 Sun 10-Feb-08 21:50:57

Don't you think it will make your life so much easier if he does kill himself. There will be no more fear and that would be amazing.

sleepingwiththeenemy Sun 10-Feb-08 21:51:38

Mamasara...I've moved up North so sadly am nowhere near you. The problem I have now is that I am wary of forging new friendships here in case somehow, no matter how remote the chance, my whereabouts get back to him. I know that sounds irrational but sadly there is a very real chance that my life will be in danger should he find me and I can't risk that. And yet I need friends around me.

sleepingwiththeenemy Sun 10-Feb-08 21:53:46

Yes,in lots of ways it would make it easier of course, and I have known him long enough to know that it would not be my fault. However, that's the rational part of me! I know I would get recriminations...hate messages fromhis (highly dysfunctional) family...and worse I would have to somehow explain to DD2 when she's older what happened. That would be hard as kids blame themselves for so much.

MissyTheFlouncer Sun 10-Feb-08 21:54:02

whats your pp addy can we just pay anyway??

mamasara82 Sun 10-Feb-08 21:55:18

Let everyone who wants to - give you a fiver (or what they can afford) for your martial arts classes it will do you so much good and won't break the bank and we will feel we are doing something for you. Pretty please.

mamasara82 Sun 10-Feb-08 21:57:40

You are so amazing. You might think you aren't coping but you are. And all of us are here (by internet of course) when you need us.

dizietsma Mon 11-Feb-08 09:03:21

SWTE I know that after so long being wife to this man, considering his feelings is second nature to you, but he is not your responsibility and lost the right to any consideration from you the minute he raped you and your little girl. His life and his actions are his responsibility alone.

I'm glad you have a small group of trusted friends where you are, and I know I keep hassling you to reach out to people, but here's why- abusers isolate their victims from their support networks so it's harder for them to escape or fight the abuse. What you're living through right now is a monumentally difficult life crisis. You can do this alone, but it'd be so much easier with lots of people supporting you, closing ranks around you and protecting you.

Once in their turbulent relationship my stepfather decided to leave my mum and shag some other woman for a bit, mum had all these friends climb out of the woodwork tell her that they really didn't like him and they were glad they'd split up 'cos now they could be proper friends again. Perhaps something like that is the case for you? Obviously, be safe when contacting these people, block your number before you call so they can't 1471 you etc.

Your mum sounds awful, I'm sorry she's no use, ditto your brother. What about your dad, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins etc? Is there anyone in your family you got on with or trusted in the past?

Glad to hear you're on a rapid response with the cops. Have you spoken to Women's Aid about other steps you could take? I really think they could help you work out steps you could take to make yourself safer.


diz x

sleepingwiththeenemy Mon 11-Feb-08 09:28:04

Hi Dad died 12 years ago - I was very close to him. My sister I am also very close to but she's on the other side of the world. We do keep in touch weekly though, and she's aware of everything that has been going on and is as much of a sourceof comfort as the distance allows. Grandparents...never knew them and my mother systematically destroyed all relationships with her brothers and sisters over the years so I have no aunts and uncles, cousins etc to speak of.
I know absolutely about the isolation. He did that all the time. I made some good friends whilst H was in the army but when we left the posting he 'forbade' me to keep in contact with any of them. I did, secretly, and when he found out he went mental, accusing me of having affairs with them (they were all couples) etc.

sleepingwiththeenemy Mon 11-Feb-08 16:51:03

Sorry, I cut that post short as DD was calling. What I meant to add was that I have no consideration whatsoever for him - you misunderstand me. As far as I'm concerned the b**stard can rot in hell for what he's done to older 2 were robbed of their childhoods, he sexually abused our baby daughter and raped me...and distorted my perception of normality so much I didn't even recognise it! So I have no consideration for his feelings at all. What I meant was that I know the s**t is going to hit the fan and it's a huge undertaking for one person to shoulder and sometimes I think I'm not strong enough to bear that cross. If he tops himself then so be it...I shan't shed any tears over him. I will, however, struggle to explain to DD2 when she's older what happened to her Dad. I'm more concerned about his rage when he's taken in and questioned...that is my biggest fear. What he'll do to me or my children. The enormity just isn't sitting comfortably with me. Does that make more sense? smile

NotDoingTheHousework Mon 11-Feb-08 17:11:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

edam Mon 11-Feb-08 17:20:33

Sleeping, you are incredible. Wishing you all the strength you need, and some extra too.

sleepingwiththeenemy Mon 11-Feb-08 17:59:12

Notdoingthehousework...don't worry it won't warp me.I'm not an angry person by nature and the best 'revenge' I can have is to go forward and live a happy healthy and the DC. He's taken enough of our pasts...I'm damned if that lowlife is going to take any of our futures.
And thanks to you,and Edam, for the wishes (and everyone else too) smile

Wish me luck for the video interview tomorrow.

Wisteria Mon 11-Feb-08 18:03:54

SWTE - well done for everything you've done, you have immense strength. i am so glad you listened to your daughter and took action - you are right children should always be listened to.

Very very best of luck for tomorrow - let us know how you get on.


NotDoingTheHousework Mon 11-Feb-08 18:19:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mamasara82 Mon 11-Feb-08 18:45:31

Lots of luck for tomoorow. I hope it goes as well as can be expected for you.

Will you accept donations for your martial arts yet. If you don't want to give out your email then everyone else can give you theirs and do it that way. We all really feel helpless and feel that this is the only way we can help YOU

cinnamontam Mon 11-Feb-08 19:25:20

Good luck for tomorrow. Hope you get some sleep tonight x

eandh Mon 11-Feb-08 19:38:37

Good luck for tomorrow will be thinking of you and please please think about the martial arts thing as I'd happily donate towards it and it'll be a big sef confidence thing for you (and please be assured the police will do everything they can to secure a conviction in a case like this)

onebatmother Tue 12-Feb-08 10:55:39

Thinking of you SWTE.

sleepingwiththeenemy Tue 12-Feb-08 11:17:34

Thanks all. Well, I've just re typed up my notes with accurate dates etc and it now stretches to 12 pages. It's been a useful exercise for me, as to see it all down in balck and white has really peed me off and made it clear to me just how abusive he has been, and how many times he did in fact force me into sex. It's just dispelled any doubts in my mind, not about the LO but about my marriage and how nasty and evil he is.
The appointment is now at's been brought forward so I've less time to wait. Offto get dressed now, and Oh God, I'm nervous!

pageturner Tue 12-Feb-08 11:19:51

Thinking of you and will be sending all postive vibes come 1pm.

onebatmother Tue 12-Feb-08 11:19:59

Really, really good luck. You are well-armed, brave and clever, and although I'm sure it will be difficult and painful, you will do brilliantly.

mamasara82 Tue 12-Feb-08 11:26:47

We will all be thinking of you at 1pm. Good luck.

gomez Tue 12-Feb-08 11:42:30

Thinking of you SWTE. I hope this afternoon achieves what you need it to. You can be so proud of yourself and your strength in dealing with this for you and your 3 children.

I too would be more than happy to help with the cost of a self-defence/matrial art class so please reconsider - it would be such a positive step for you and help your confidence.

sleepingwiththeenemy Tue 12-Feb-08 19:50:17

Hi again. Well, I've done all I can do for now. The interview was tough, as I expected...very hard describing events in graphic detail. I've had a really bad throat and chest the last few days and talking for so long meant that My voice has just about gone...that and the effort of not crying. Anyway, it's done now. He said that it'll probably be months before anything happens- as me and the children are safe they will take their time. He seemed really pleased with the way it went, the interview should have lasted about 40 minutes he said but it went on for 2 hours, mostly me talking...I'm afraid once I started I couldn't stop!!! But again he said it was good...I was giving him answers before he'd asked them.
The older 2 DC have to give theirs on Thursdaymorning and then it's 'in the lap of the Gods' so to speak.

Hi, you must be utterly exhausted but well done that's a massive burden out of the way now

It sounds as though the police are keeping you safe, and supporting you well.

I do hope that Thursday goes well too.

Much love x

onebatmother Tue 12-Feb-08 20:33:15

bloody, bloody well done. I'm standing up to give you an ovation. I have enormous admiration for you.

cinnamontam Tue 12-Feb-08 20:49:43

Me standing up too.

Wishing your kids all the best for Thursday.

littlegreyrabbit Tue 12-Feb-08 21:04:48

You are an incredibly brave woman. Your children are very very lucky to have you as an example. I am sure the worst is over for you all now.

Good luck for a happy positive future.

AlistairSim Tue 12-Feb-08 21:24:28

Well done, SWTE.

I've been following your thread but not posted before. Just wanted you to know that there will be so many reading this and sending you love and positive thoughts.

You are a brave woman and a wonderful mother.


mamasara82 Wed 13-Feb-08 10:21:35

Well done SWTE. You are such a stong women. Stay positive and hope all goes well tomorrow for your kids.

No words could ever explain how amazing you are.

So are you going to take us up on the offer for the martial arts. As you can tell I don't give up easily.

Buda Wed 13-Feb-08 10:24:59

Well done SWTE. I too have been following your thread but haven't posted. Am full of admiration at your strength and determination.

MissyTheFlouncer Wed 13-Feb-08 21:52:17

everyone has already spoken on what kind of woman you are.

stay strong and positive smile

sleepingwiththeenemy Thu 14-Feb-08 19:30:39

Hi all. The kids didn't have their interview yet...they were at their Dad's (first marriage) and they stayed an extra night as the ceiling at my friends house, where we're staying, collapsed from a leaking bath!!! It took both of us 2 days to sort it out, so it was better for the kids to stay an extra night.Plus I've been pretty ill and couldn't face the 300 mile journey yesterday. Anyway, I called the detective and he said it was fine.,..that he would probably have had to cancel anyway as he was due in Crown Court unexpectedly. He's going to reschedule.
Anyway, for a while at least things should settle down a bit and not before time; I am long overdue a bit of 'boringness'!!!!

mamasara82 Thu 14-Feb-08 19:35:24

God if it's not one thing it's another for you. Well at least the kids are safe and happy.

I really want to help you with your martial arts. You need to do something for you. Please accept peoples help. You would do the same for another mumnetter. Wouldn't you?

LOVEMYMUM Mon 18-Feb-08 18:43:00

After reading this thread, i am so pleased that mumsnet exists to provide space and support for people going through difficult times.

I'm in shock at your horrific story.
Well done on having the energy and strength to deal with it all.

I truly hope that you have your "boringness" soon.

Lots of hugs and best wishes for a very peaceful and calm future for you and your children.

omg no advice just sorry for what you have been through and are going through xxxxx

sleepingwiththeenemy Tue 19-Feb-08 08:37:35

OH. MY. GOD!!!!!! I decided to take the plunge last night, and go along to the local sports centre and have a free kickboxing trial lesson. I have never done anything so physically hard in my life! It was sooooo tough that I excused myself half way through, nipped to the loos and threw up! It was advertised as a ladies fitness kickboxing class,and my God will it get you fit! I was worried that it'd be too much fitness and not enough kickboxing, but was it the end of the session my body had completely given up on me, and today my legs and arms don't belong to my brain! a weird, warped masochistic way I enjoyed it. The boxing was particularly therapeutic. My partner had to wear pads, and I had to punch them and I'm telling you, my ex's lousy face was splattered all over them!
I'm supposed to go back tomorrow night for another free session and then have to decide whether I want to continue...bit worrying that he wouldn't tell me how much it is! But I'll go along,and see what the score is...I kind of figure you can't put a price on fitness and being able to look after yourself; well someone in my situation can't anyway. Also it's great for sharpening the mind and keeping you focused.
Otherwise all is calm grin...have heard nothing from police or ex or solicitor...I know it's the calm before the storm but I'm just enjoying it for as long as it lasts.

LOVEMYMUM Tue 19-Feb-08 16:08:49

Glad you enjoyed yourself. Am pleased you didn't miss any of the protective pads - sounds like you knocked seven bells out of them. Keep going to the kick-boxing if you can.

cinnamontam Tue 19-Feb-08 17:12:30

Whooo hooo - you go girl

HansieMom Tue 19-Feb-08 17:14:35

Terrific! The instructor might have to wear extra padding when you are the student! NOW can we put a little money into your paypal account to help pay for lessons? I can't personally kick ex in the butt but I can enable you to!

Bl0ody good for you!

Be very proud of yourself- we are!

ShortandSweet Wed 20-Feb-08 09:24:08

I was mamasara. Good on you SWTE, I am glad your doing something for yourself.

Just wondering how things are SWTE?

DoubleBluff Tue 04-Mar-08 15:28:03

Hven't been on line for ages but glad to know all is going well for you right now. Stay positive.

pedilia Tue 04-Mar-08 23:38:02

SWTE- I have followed your thread and echo others in saying what an increibly brave and strong woman you are.
I was abused as a young child, my parent knew but it was brushed under the carpet and has never been mentioned again, so I absoulutely commend you for what you are doing

sleepingwiththeenemy Fri 07-Mar-08 08:37:03

Hi,haven't been able to get on here for ages, hence the silence. Well, the kids had their interviews, so it's all in the hands of the police now. I can only go with what happens.
More problems now though; God, when will it end? My DD, aged 13, is becoming impossible to live with and I'm at my wits end. She has been 'putting it about' at school, earnt herslef a reputation...she has been going off with 2 boys after school and letting them BOTH at the same time, grope her words 'finger her'. And her boobs too. The problem is that she sees no wrong in this at all. I tried to stay calm, even though I was absolutely dying inside, but she said 'what's the big's just a laugh'!!!! I'm horrified. It's not just happened once either, it's been ongoing for a couple of weeks. Last weekend, before I found out, her behaviour got so bad at home that I took her to her Dad's 150 miles away, as I couldn't cope with her. She was being violent towards the other kids, shouting, screaming...she's just awful. So I took her there and asked him to try and talk some sense into her. he didn't of course, said he can't switch being a father on and off to suit me! So I brought her home after 5 days, because he and his gf were still going to work and leaving her alone for 12 hours a day. I wanted him to take a few days off work to be with her. Now I realise that the only thing she was missing here was the 2 boys and the things they were doing to her. She came back amid promises of towing the line etc, but nothing has changed, she's tearing the family apart. I can't concentrate on the 2 younger kids, and the friend we're staying with has become more of a friend blush, but despite DD knowing he's the best thing that has ever happened to us, she is going to break us up.
I have to run now, so can't go into more detail at the mo, but will be back on later.

dizietsma Fri 07-Mar-08 10:07:44

Hi SWTE, good to hear from you.

Now, this is just idle speculation, but I think maybe you need to have another chat with your older DD and ask her again if anyone molested her. I understand that your relationship is strained right now, but you'll need to do your best to make her feel safe and trusted when you ask her. It's very common for women and girls who have been abused to become promiscuous and TBH, given what happened to your DD2 and your older DD's current behaviour it seems quite likely that she's not telling you something. Could she be trying to protect you? She certainly sounds very angry at you about something.

Alternatively, she could just be acting out because she's working out the trauma of living in an abusive household. It's taken me 10 years to finally start addressing and working through the emotional impact of growing up in an abusive household, do not underestimate how hard it was for her.

Perhaps it would be helpful for all of your family if you tried out some family therapy? I imagine that whilst you were in an abusive relationship the only person whose needs were really addressed was your X, am I right? You probably have a backlog of family issues that could do with an airing. If nothing else, therapy might help your relationship with your oldest DD.

Either way, I'm sorry things are so tough for you right now. Good to hear that you're geeting on better with your friend though! wink

cinnamontam Fri 07-Mar-08 10:10:46

Bloody hell - if things weren't difficult enough for you

I'm sure there will be some good advice from the other ladies on how you can cope with your DD. Mine is only 9 months old so my issues with sleep, weaning etc..haven't really prepared me to be much use to you in the advice department

Thinking of you though

sleepingwiththeenemy Fri 07-Mar-08 13:07:36

Hi, sorry had to rush off before. Ok...I'm in no doubt that the abuse which happened in the household has affected DD, it's affected us all. TBH I thought it hadn't really affected me but now I'm away from the abuse and can see what a normal healthy relationship is like, it's hitting home big time. The problem is, DD has always been a difficult girl, right from the age of about 5. The wholefamily has always had to tiptoe around her in case we upset her and she had a strop which would then affect all of us. Obviously it's got worse now she's a teenager and the hormones have kicked in. But this is WAY above normal teenage rebellion. I've tried and tried to get through to her, hugging her when she's kicking out, telling her I love her and she's beautiful and special but it's almost as if she gets pleasure from hurting me. No,not almost...she clearly DOES get pleasure from it and I just don't think I can handle it, on top of everything else.
Of course I've considered whether or not she suffered abuse herself. I've asked her many times, and always the answer is no. In her last school, before we fled up here, her headmistress phoned me one day to tell me DD was pregnant...she was 12 at the time. Of course she wasn't, she just told people she was! I know, it's screaming 'desperate for attention'...but she DOES get attention, lots of it. But lately it's all negative attention as she is doing nothing at all to warrant positive attention. Believe me, I have tried, but as soon as I say or do anything she's sneering at me, or shouting at me. If I cuddle her she pushes me away. I've suggested to her that we go to the gp and see who he can recommend for us to talk to; she again laughs in my face and says she'll just sit there like a deaf mute.
It's all taking a massive toll on my health. I have had a stomach ulcer for years, and lately I've been vomiting blood. This doesn't bode well at all. If things calm down it should be ok, and settle again. But I dread to think what'll happen if it's a bleeding ulcer and keeps getting worse.
I havent told her Dad what's been happening - I don't think he'll want to know but I think he should know. I'm really really at the end of my tether.

PortAndLemon Fri 07-Mar-08 13:11:15

I would go with the GP for referral to counselling or family therapy route even if she does sit there like a deaf mute, TBH. It can't be an uncommon attitude for teenagers to take in counselling so the therapist ought to be experienced in dealing with it.

sleepingwiththeenemy Fri 07-Mar-08 14:38:15

Yes, I think that's what I'll do. I think I'll go and see the GP alone first, and see what they say and then if they think it appropriate take DD to see him/her.
I just called the NSPCC, who suggested counselling, and also ignoring DD when she shouts at me, or speaks uncivilly...I can see how that works but TBH I think she might be way past that stage- worth a go though but it's not going to solve the problem of her and these boys.
I know she has problems dealing with what's happened - although I did everything I could to protect the kids from most of it and bore the brunt of it myself - but sometimes I feel like screaming 'WHAT ABOUT ME??????' I've been through an abusive marriage, during which I was raped (didn't even acknowledge it til the police made me face the fact), fled to a refuge, left my home behind,and most of my belongings, had to uproot the kids from their schools, moved to a new city hundreds of miles away, found out my baby daughter was also raped by her father at the age of 2, am faced with my eldest daughter's promiscuous behaviour and spend at least half an hour a day in tears because of her behaviour towards me, am worried she will start self harming or worse, or will end up pregnant...but all attention is on DD while I'm struggling to cope with even breathing! Surely to God there comes a saturation point, when I physically, mentally and emotionally simply cannot absorb anymore and will just crack up? Sometimes it feels as if the walls are closing in on me, or I'm drowning. I know that sounds self pitying and selfish, but there you have it. I don't have anyone else to talk to about it really.

sleepingwiththeenemy Fri 07-Mar-08 14:39:30

And I feel guilty as hell because I couldn't stop it happening.

Sleeping - I have read this thread and feel very sad for you and your family. Your whole family seems to have expereinced a series of traumatic events relating to the relationship with your Ex and the subsequent separation.

One thing I would say is that even when, as parents, we feel that we have protected our children and shielded them from the worst of things - they have often experienced a sense of everything that is going on. It looks to me that your daughter is just trying to show you that she is not OK. This can appear to be attention seeking but in my experience this sort of desperate sexualised behaviour can often be a attempt to seek love through sexual approval or a unconscious wish for a parent to step in a lay down some really firm boundaries.

If she would go and speak to someone it might help you both - but I know in these circumstances everyone is holding on to their own hurt so badly it's hard to let it out.

sleepingwiththeenemy Fri 07-Mar-08 15:17:29

Hi Laidback...again I'm in no doubt that this is a cry for help, or similar...but when I try and help her or reach her she just kicks me in the teeth. I've asked her what I can do to make things better or easier for her, or what I'm doing wrong to make her want to treat me like this...she says 'nothing'. That I'm not doing anything wrong at all. So what am I to do??? If she would tell me what she needs then at least I'd have some hope. All she wants is for meto allow her to stay out after school...presumably to go with these lads again, and I cannot allow that. If I won't do that for her then she won't give me the time of day.

sleepingwiththeenemy Fri 07-Mar-08 15:22:00

She comes home smelling of smoke, although swears she isn't smoking herself...I suspect they shoplift (and I've even thought that she might be shoplifting herself as I have found empty chocolate wrappers etc in her bag when I know she doesn't have any money)There have also been a couple of instances when she has come home with things and explained it away by saying 'oh it was only a quid in the sale' when I know full well it wasn't only a quid. I don't drink, but after xmas there was some drink in the house...and after a row I found an empty glass in the kitchen with the dregs of avocaat in it...I mean it's hardly whisky I know, but it shows where her head is doesn't it? What's it going to be next? I've had booze, fags (possibly), sex, stealing (likely) it going to be drugs next?I'm terrified of what she's doing,not just to herself but to the rest of the family too.

sleepingwiththeenemy Fri 07-Mar-08 15:32:28

And to add to my worries, she finished school today at 2.15 and it's now 3.30 and she's not home yet. I can only imagine what she's up to!

Buda Fri 07-Mar-08 15:52:13

Oh God - it is a lot to cope with.

You both desperately need some counselling. Even if she starts off like a deaf mute - a good counsellor should be used to that and be able to get through it.

Am not sure what else you can do really. You must be terrified for her. She is hugely bottling something up and taking it out on you as she knows you will still love her.

sleepingwiththeenemy Fri 07-Mar-08 16:25:16

I agree...I do need some counselling, if only to let off steam and say things that I wouldn't dream of saying to family. She came home at 3.45, so not pushing the boundaries too much there, although still an hour and half after school finished. I let it go, and have been - not exactly stand offish - but slightly detached. if she thinks I am on her back all the time she'll just pull further and further away so I'll try it this way. To be honest I have to pull back slightly emotionally, for my own sanity.

NFNhonest Fri 07-Mar-08 17:20:08

Sleeping - Sorry if I'm off beam here but I think I know you. If I'm right we finally met up just once in your old town last year? I've name changed as don't want to give away locations with my profile or link back to your old threads.

I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through, this thread has reduced me to tears for you and your dds. You really are an amazing mother, your children are lucky to have you.

sleepingwiththeenemy Fri 07-Mar-08 21:36:29

NFN...yep it's me!!!! How are your two gorgeous little girls? As you can see, things have gone from bad to worse; I thought when I finally got him out of the house things would settle down, but it's been a living hell. I'm a bag of nerves now, knowing that any time now the police will pick him up and question him. My phone rang today, number withheld, and when I picked it up whoever was on the other end hung up. Probably a genuine mistake, but I can't help worrying that it's him.
Anyway, really nice to hear from you again smile

NFNhonest Sat 08-Mar-08 11:49:35

Blimey this namechanging stuff is confusing me! I've not been on MN for a few months which is why I've only just seen this.

My girls are fine, thanks for asking, just waiting to hear about dd1's school place. Your phone call was probably one of those automatic dialler things, don't let it worry you.

I'm really glad to hear you've got a support network where you are, goodness knows you need it. If you were still local I'd be round with wine and (low fat) cake. Glad your dd1 turned up safe and sound, poor kid sounds like she's going through the mill, and dragging you through it at the same time. As someone else said she knows she's safe with you which is why she's pushing you, you've always come through for her in the past and you will do this time too.

sleepingwiththeenemy Sat 08-Mar-08 12:18:36

LOL @ low fat cake'd have to be! The one thing I am pretty proud of through all this c**p is that since April last year I have lost 3 and a half stone, and gone from a size 20/22 to a size 14!!! I joined the local gym (the kickboxing was too much for me, lol) and go 3 or 4 times a week, DD2 goes into the creche which she loves and I have 2 hours of ME time...where I can pound my frustrations and anger out on the treadmill and weights. So after yesterday's session I went to buy a new gym t shirt, and bought a size 14 with the intention of fitting into it at somepoint, got home and tried it on and it fits!!! Yaaaayyyy!!!! When everything else is so out of my control, it's the one area of my life I can control if that makes sense.
As for DD, she has said that she doesn't want to come on holiday with us in August. We're going camping and she said she'd find it boring. At first I was annoyed, but actually when I think about it I am quite proud of her for speaking out, as it shows a degree of maturity in that she said she'd hate it and would therefore spoil it for everyone else. So she's going to my Mum's for a week, which may do her the world of good because it will be all attention on her, and she'll be spoilt rotten with no other hassles.
God, this parenting lark is so bloody hard!!!

sleepingwiththeenemy Wed 19-Mar-08 15:42:24

Hi all, thought I'd update you on what's happening. Had an email from solicitor last week to say that ExH has engaged a solicitor to apply to the courts for a contact order. The this morning solicitor called to say that a date has been set for the first hearing, 29th April and that I needed to 'popin' and see himto sign papers. I told him I couldn't just 'pop in' as I am living 250 miles away. I've told him all this before, but like everything else he doesn't seem to listen. he then got REALLY shirty with me, said that in that case maybe I'd better get myself a new solicitor. I told him that I had specifically been advised *by a solicitor* to keep with him as that was ExH wouldn't know where I was. he wasn't interested at all, nor in the fact that this is a child protection case and not just a bitter divorce battle. So, in the end I called a solicitor up here, a very very good one specialising in child protection and domestic violence and she is going to request that the case be heard up here, but NOT in this county so he still won't know where I am exactly. It also means that I don't have to make an 8+ hour round journey every time there is a hearing.
I'm amazed that he has the gall to go through with this, knowing what he's done.
He also lied on the court papers...said that DD wasn't known to social services (she is), and that she has never been witness to or the subject of domestic violence or abuse (she has).
I'm actually feeling happier knowing it's coming up here, onto my territory if you like where I'm surrounded by friends. Also that something is happening, as the waiting is awful.

sleepingwiththeenemy Wed 19-Mar-08 15:45:37

DD2 is also trying hard after a few really bad nights withher where she said she can think of no reason why I'm a good mother, and that she doesn't like me etc...but she told me yesterday that she had gone to her mentor at school and told her everything, which I thought was really brave of her and told her so, and that this teacher is going to speak to those concerned. She was having food thrown at her in the canteen and one boy was bribing her for money in return for not telling people what she'd done! Little barsteward.

mumof2fabkids Wed 19-Mar-08 23:00:48

Hi SWTE, it's great to hear from you, I think of you all every day. Great news about the court case and your new solicitor, she sounds like she'll kick ass, unlike the other dickhead, what is it with these people? They think the world revolves around their dusty little office when people are going through hell and back. Your ex is just going through the motions, he won't get anywhere, you have too much on record and they'll smell his bull as soon as it starts coming out of his mouth. You sound like you're doing great, I realy admire your strength, you could write a book, I know loads of people who'd buy it, your still an inspiration to me and others on here. Keep your chin up, and let us know how you're all doing. Take care xxxx

pedilia Wed 19-Mar-08 23:10:19

I often thibk of you and your family when I visit mumsnet, you still seem very strong and positive and your new soliciotr sounds much better than the last one.
Keep us updated and hang on in there, your are a truly amazing woman

sleepingwiththeenemy Thu 20-Mar-08 14:38:56

Hi all again. Nothing really to report, but just wanted to say thanks for the continuing support. I'm feeling remarkably upbeat to be honest; I have truth on my side, so am not afraid of the court hearing. All I am doing is protecting my baby; well...all my children really, but he has no rights to my older 2 as they aren't his so it's primarily about my youngest. And also, because I want him to pay the consequences of the years of abuse he put us through. It's not bitterness, rather the realisation that he stole years of my life, and even worse took my children's childhoods and destroyed them. I can't get that time back so why the hell should he get away with it? Abusers must be made to pay.
I also firmly believe that my DD1's behaviour with the boys from school also stem from the ex. He 'sexualised' her from an early age, much younger than she should have been aware of herself in that way. From the age of 10/11 he made constant reference to her sexuality, her figure, the fact that men found her he stole her innocence and for that he must be held accountable too. I am actually looking forward to standing up in court and being able to expose himfor the dirty, disgusting pervert that he is. DD1 told me the other day that he used to walk into the bathroom when she was in the shower, then he would do it again 5 minutes later. he had no reason whatsoever to be in that bathroom as we had an en suite in our room, and also a downstairs loo. It had a clear glass shower screen, and she said he was in no hurry to leave, even though she was screaming at him to get out. So it's clearly been going on subtly for a long long time.
Also, DD" asked me if Daddy had a moustache. I said no, why. She said something about remembering hair on her private parts when she was in the bathroom with Daddy. He didn't have a moustache, but did have a lot of stubble and at one point grew a beard, so I fear that he abused her orally too. It makes my skin crawl just thinking about it. So, further information is coming every day and it will all be documented and used in court.

NFNhonest Thu 20-Mar-08 14:48:35

Hi SWTE - glad you updated, I wondered how you were doing. Your new solicitor sounds like just what you need. Do you think you've turned a corner with dd1? Can't believe what you've said about your poor dd2, what a sick, sick b*stard your xp is. angry

sleepingwiththeenemy Thu 20-Mar-08 15:19:26

NFN, yep, sick is what he is. I'll fight tooth and nail for this.
To be honest I have no idea whther I've turned a corner with DD1...I hope so but time will tell. She is certainly making a massive effort, giving me lots of cuddles and kisses. She's off school now for 2 weeks, so maybe give her time away from these kids to reflect, or appreciate the family life she has. Who knows?
I'm waiting to hear if we've been given a house up here. We put in for it last week, and normally they'd have told us today but because of the bank holiday (?) they won't tell people til Tuesday. I'm hoping to get one before this all goes to court, as although we are staying in nice house it will look better if we are settled in our own house. Instead of maybe just 'running away' it will be shown that I have started again, got us a house, new schools etc and am not just 'lodging' with someone. It will also show the lengths I have gone to to get away from him.

MadameCh0let Thu 20-Mar-08 18:41:19

Why will your solicitor not apply to have the injunction extended? Because there is no proof of child abuse? Wow. I would have thought that while it was in the process of being proved, or if there was a chance of it your solicitor would at least try to get you an extension on the injunction.

sleepingwiththeenemy Fri 21-Mar-08 11:35:28

Hi, I asked about extending the injunction in December, as you apparently have to do it in advance,not last minute. I only found out about the sexual abuse on xmas eve, by which time I had already fled. I also get the impression that my original solicitor just doesn't believe me. Fortunately my concerns are logged with NSPCC, and the solicitor and socialservices before ex applied for contact, so it can't be said that I am making this up to oppose the application IYSWIM?
Re: the injunction extension; when I asked my (now sacked) solicitor why I can't have it extended he said because ex had shown no signs of 'deteriorating behaviour', so I asked did that mean that on the date the injunction ran out was he free to move back in and beat me? he said in effect...yes. Nevermind the fact that when he lived in the house it got to the stage where I would take the kids into my roomand barricade the door so he couldn't get in to touch us. And that he repeatedly made threats that he would snatch DD2 and I'd never see her again. Or that he spent his evenings watching 'unsolved murder' documentaries on tv, showing how murderers get away with it. I'm talking 3 or 4 shows EVERY night.

MadameCh0let Fri 21-Mar-08 13:02:03

Jeez, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know it's totally different because it wasn't to do with a child, but I realised how inadequate the laws are at protecting people when after my ex was physically aggresive to me for about the tenth time I left. I took the children to Ireland where my parents live. However, because I never reported any of the violence to the police, and because I removed the children from their habitual domicile I violated the terms of the hague convention and I am the criminal. Beggars belief, but there you go. I really hope that you find a way 'round this. You will. Mothers are like lionesses, and if you have to stand on your head and make a holy show of yourself, you know that she won't be left alone with him again. The rest is detail. It's exhausting, and you'd be better off channelling your energies into looking after yourself and your dd, but you'll find the way to do it. Does your little girl's Dad know that you know what he did in front of her? Perhaps he deludes himself, thinking that she's too young to remember. The shit people have to put up with is incredible. You sound strong. Thank G.

sleepingwiththeenemy Thu 27-Mar-08 11:49:44

And so the trauma goes on. I went to see new solicitor on Tuesday, and she informs me that as I am 'co habiting' I will not be eligible for legal aid. Now, although I am staying with a friend, the relationship HAS deepened and we are now seeing each other BUT we're not living together as a couple IYSWIM? I am still essentially merely staying at his house until we can be rehoused. We don't share bills etc and as soon as we get a house me and the kids will move out and we will resume a 'normal' relationship. I feel she almost co-erced the information out of me, as I had already said I am a single Mum etc, and staying with a friend, and she asked very sweetly was he my boyfriend, and I said 'well, yes, sort of...I mean it's very early days but he has been a tower of strength' and then she said she won't represent me in court because I can't get legal aid and can't afford her private fees. This isn't something I can put on hold...ex has applied for a contact order hearing in my old county, 250 miles away at end April, and I need a solicitor to apply for the hearing to be transferred to a local court and to represent me but my hands are tied completely. She said I could always represent myself!!!!
I am expecting a house to be offered any day now. The local Housing Association has a nice one within walking distance from here and she said today we are number one on the list so have first refusal, but the man who deals with it isn't at work til next week so I have to wait til he comes back. The council have contacted me about a private rent house in a nicer part of town, but it wouldn't be 'mine' in the same way as a council/HA house would, as the landlord could decide to sell at any time and also I wouldn't be able to 'do' things to the house to make it ours IYSWIM? Also the housing officer isn't sure if the housing benefit would cover all the rent anyway so again I have to wait and see.
All this waiting and wondering and worrying is killing me!

pageturner Sat 29-Mar-08 17:22:43

Probably a stupid question, but can you get another solicitor in time? It's ridiculous that you should be left to represent yourself under these circumstances.
Good luck with the house - everything is crossed!

sleepingwiththeenemy Mon 31-Mar-08 12:58:21

Pageturner...not a stupid question at all. I asked myself the same thing! Problem is, she now has all my papers, so I'd have to get them back, and she is supposed to be a child protection expert, which can only be good for me and the DC.
On the plus side, the housing association rang today and offered me the house I wanted! grin subject to conditions. I have to meet them tomorrow morning, have a look inside the house, show references and ID proof and income proof etc, and all being well hopefully I'll get the keys!We won't move in straight away as there are no carpets and it'll need a damn good scrub and decorating throughout so while that's going on we can stay here. But the important thing is I can then go back to solicitor and say 'actually I am a single Mum, I don't co habit and here's my address.
So fingers crossed for tomorrow.

ShortandSweet Mon 31-Mar-08 17:11:53

Hi SWTE, glad things are finally getting sorted for you, good luck for tomorrow.

Hopefully when you go in with your new address this solicitor will start sorting things out for you.

pageturner Tue 01-Apr-08 10:36:18

So glad things are sounding more positive! smile Everything's still crossed!

sleepingwiththeenemy Tue 01-Apr-08 16:17:38

Yay...I got the house! I pick up the keys on Friday grin. That means that I can go back to the solicitor next week and get legal aid and I can fight this ** of a man with proper representation.
I'm so proud of myself with what I've achieved so far. I've upped and fled the DV, packed up my house, moved 250 miles away, got the kids into good schools where they're happy, and I've also got us a nice 3 bedroomed house. Once the court case is all over, I can also go about restarting my business again.
The house will need a lot of work - there are no carpets and it all needs redecorating, the garden is a tip, there's no shower...but it's MINE!!!!

ShortandSweet Tue 01-Apr-08 16:36:26

Well done SWTE I am so happy for you

sleepingwiththeenemy Mon 07-Apr-08 08:10:39

Hi. Well, believe it or not the file hasn't even been handed over to the police where I used to live (as the crime happened there it has to be dealt with by their police). The DC here rang me at the weekend to tell me that as the other police force wouldn't send anyone up here to collect it that they were now going to POST it recorded delivery!!!! The file contains such sensitive material that he has never known it to be posted before, it always has to go by hand but he said that's what they had requested and it's the only way it will get there in time to stop the civil action regarding contact. Anyway, he said that he was going to personally post it today, so at least I know that something will start moving again very soon. I know it's going to be ugly and heartbreaking but I need it all to be over so I can get on with my life.
On a nicer note, I got the keys to my house on Friday and spent the weekend cleaning it. I still have to clean all the walls etc so we can get on with painting etc, but it's exciting having this completely fresh start.
I also managed to buy a cooker on E Bay, and bunk beds for the girls so we're getting there.

Hassled Mon 07-Apr-08 08:22:19

Hi - I've only skimmed this but wanted to give you my support. I can't begin to imagine what you've gone through but you are an immensely brave woman.

One thing is bothering me though - you mention moving 250 miles away, and then something about "Moving North" (though now I can't find that post so maybe I imangined that). If your ex or a friend of his ever saw this could he work out roughly where you are from that? Please be careful.

sleepingwiththeenemy Mon 07-Apr-08 09:05:16

Hi Hassled. No, he wouldn't be able to work out where I am as I have no connections to here at all (at least that he knows of.) Also, it doesn't really matter either way as the contact hearing has to be transferred to a court near DD2, so he will know what part of the country we are in anyway. I was desperate to keep our whereabouts secret from him, but it's not possible. However, the actual place and address can be withheld, and it's a pretty big place, so he won't really know from that.
I am going to ring another solicitor today too, as the one I saw was more interested in my divorce than the abuse, and she kept asking would I accept supervised access. Actually, no. If he's done what I believe he's done I don't want him within a thousand miles of DD2. I know it's a possibility but I will fight that to the death. It just seemed to me that she just wanted to reach a compromise before she's even read the case notes. And where my children are concerned there IS no compromise.

sleepingwiththeenemy Mon 07-Apr-08 13:05:09

It all keeps getting more complicated. I called a new solicitor today, who tells me that I do not need legal aid in this case as it will be a police prosecution and it will be ExH who needs legal representation, not me. I'm very confused. Does that mean if it goes to court I will have to be cross examined etc with no solicitor to fight my corner????

titchy Mon 07-Apr-08 14:12:21

Was she getting confused between the police court case of sexual abuse where you wouldn't need a solicitor as you wold only be a witnress (only - ha hasad) and the custody court case?

sleepingwiththeenemy Tue 08-Apr-08 08:01:44

Hi Titchy, yes I think the confusion has arisen because there are so many different things going on here. The contact hearing (civil) and divorce (civil), both of which I need a solicitor for. The abuse against my daughter (criminal) and also the abuse against me (criminal) both of which are police prosecutions (if it comes to that) for which, as you say, I would be a witness and therefore would not need a solicitor.
In a way that takes a lot of pressure off me, as in my mind I had 4 different cases going on, which was really sending my mind into overdrive, but in actual fact I have 'only' 2 as the police ones are pretty much out of my hands.
The social worker is coming to see me tomorrow, so I should get some idea of what to expect and how much social services will oppose contact (all the way I hope).
GOD this is confusing.

sleepingwiththeenemy Tue 08-Apr-08 17:15:51

Just had confirmation that the files have been sent to the police who will be dealing with him, in the town we used to live in. They should have received it today, so wheels are in motion. No idea when he will be questioned, so am on tenterhooks. I'll call the DC in charge down there tomorrow andask him to explain what happens next and see if he can give me a timescale. But it's safe to say I am s*t*ng myself.

sleepingwiththeenemy Mon 21-Apr-08 13:43:12

Hi, me again. Well, the solicitor failedto get the hearing transferred here, and the court refused her request that I be excused fromthe hearing so I have to attend next Tuesday! I have to do a 500 mile round trip, on my own knowing I have to face that dirty, filthy pervert of an ex. I will be a wreck as I will have to leave at 5am to make sure I'm there on time.
Hopefully the next and subsequent hearings will be here, as I don't have a car (am borrowing one for next week) and certainly can't afford the petrol as I'm a single Mum on benefits. The solicitor is applying for a residence order in my favour as he has threatened to abduct DD2, and a transfer of proceedings to a local court, and also that my address not be disclosed to him. It is also, I think, the first time he will be aware that there are allegations of sexual abuse by him. I am VERY worried that he will follow me home. I don't know what car he is driving now so I wouldn't really be able to tell if he's following me.
I have a barrister going down to represent me at the hearing; can he request that I leave before the ex, thus giving me a chance to get away?

policywonk Mon 21-Apr-08 13:50:27

Hi sleeping - I remember this thread. I'm glad to see you're still holding firm; it must be stressful and tiring.

What a shame about the hearing. Have you contacted Womens Aid or Refuge with the questions about your safety at the hearing (I seem to remember that you had some contact with Womens Aid before?) - they might have experience in these matters and be able to provide practical help and advice.

I was thinking also that there might be some MNetters in the town in which the hearing is being held who would be willing to offer you support on the day, and possibly help with the transport - but I can't think how we could organise this without you posting some details on here, which might not be safe.

sleepingwiththeenemy Mon 21-Apr-08 17:56:22

Hi Policywonk...I'm ok for transport for the hearing next week - I've borrowed a car but it's future hearings that worry me. I have been told that it should be held at the court in the child's place of residence so hopefully this one will be a one-off. You're right...I don't want to post details on here re: towns etc as you never know who's reading.
My solicitor has requested a separate waiting room for me at the court so I don't have to see him until we are called in, but I don't know if there's anything anyone can do to stop him waiting around the corner afterwards and following me. Good idea about women's aid...Imight give them a call.
It is stressful and tiring, yes. My solicitor has estimated it'll take at least a year to conclude so I'm looking at a long haul.
On the plus side, I am busily decorating my new house. It's taking a lot of work, so at least I have other things to occupy my mind. Have completed the kitchen, bathroom, DS's room and just have to gloss DD's room. Then it's the living room and hall/stairs/landing to do. No mean feat on such a tight budget I can tell you. I had to sell everything I owned of any value on e bay, but have managed to buy new cooker/fridge freezer/bunk beds and a new bed for DS so am quite proud of myself. Just means I have nothing of any value (monetary) to my name, but what I do have is self esteem and satisfaction, and my 3 kids with me and safe. grin

policywonk Mon 21-Apr-08 18:58:42

How is your older daughter doing? Are you still working out?

Do let us know if there is something practical we can do. I wish I could think of a failsafe way of getting help and support to you.

WAStyedye Mon 21-Apr-08 19:27:53

Your daughter will be protected,my exe is abusive too,but not so severe,and ive learned his new gf has young kids,and its pushed me into counselling and medical help,ie pills.much love and support as i can send you,there is no hell like the one you have lived with for so long,and i wish you,and your children every ounce of best wishes i can muster,it will improve sweetheart,xx

sleepingwiththeenemy Tue 22-Apr-08 08:09:26

It's just my biggest fear that they will grant him unsupervised access...or even supervised to be honest fills me with horror. How can I hand her over to the man who abused her? And thinks of her and looks at her in a sexual way? She says that she doesn't want to see her Daddy again as he always hurt her, and was horrible to her and her brother and sister and me.
Also, if he does get access, she may well inadvertantly tell him where we live as she knows the town we live in.
In a weird kind of way, although I am dreading it, I am also almost looking forward to next week, as I spent so many years looking down at the ground and being dominated by him, and now it is my opportunity to look him in the eye and let him see in my face how much I despise him and how much he disgusts me.
Policywonk Thanks for older DD seems to have settled down somewhat. We had a very pleasant few weeks following her last 'episode' but last week she was very confrontational again, although seemed to be managing it better as she didn't keep it up for hours. Her school called social services over what happened with the boys, but the school never told me which really upset me. I know if it was a problem at home they don't alert the family, but as the problem was outside I would have thought they would have involved me as her mother. The verbal gyp she was getting was getting worse at school, so I wrote a very strongly worded letter to the school and she called me and apologised for them not contacting me blah blah, and promised to sort it out. It certainly seems to have settled down for DD1, so maybe the school did their job, but we'll see. I'm still working out, yes! Althogh I haven't been for the last week and a half as I'm spending every spare minute decorating but I will certainly carry on going.
WAStyedye Sorry you had an abusive's a bloody nightmare isn't it? I wouldn't be at all surprised if my ex has a new gf, and also wouldn't surprise me if she had kids which is a worry...not my place to worry I know, but he ruined his own kids' lives, my 2 older ones and will destroy DD2 if I let him. But if I was with a man who subsequently was accused of sexual abuse of a baby I'd kick him to the kerb without a second thought, so if he is in a relationship then I doubt it'll last much longer.
Looking forward to the bank holiday weekend...the court hearing will be behind me, and I'll be in my new house and the weather is supposed to be nice so although it'll be far from over I am going to relax, drink wine and chill.

policywonk Tue 22-Apr-08 11:49:02

So the contact hearing is the first, yes? Have you told your solicitor about your concerns re. abuse/abduction (sorry, this is probably a stupid question). Plus, your concern about your daughter giving away your location is surely very important. Surely the contact hearing should be delayed until the criminal case has been heard, when the allegations against him are so serious? Or, at the very least, contact must be closely supervised.

sleepingwiththeenemy Tue 22-Apr-08 13:52:14

I think the problem is that he applied for a contact hearing in January...and it's taken the police this long to finish their investigations from my it's been passed to the local police who have to watch the tapes, get medical files, contact the forces (he was in the army when we married), get the files from the military police (I had to call them out over his assault when I was pregnant...I subsequently lost that baby), and then once they've done that then they'll interview him. It'll take many more weeks yet. In the meantime the courts, him and his solicitor are unaware of this. As far as they are aware it is a straightforward contact case. I'm not sure if the courts will be informed prior to the hearing, but I am very worried about his reaction when he's told a) I've moved 200+ miles away and b) he is the subject of a sexual abuse/rape investigation against our daughter and also rape and assault against me. He'll go ballistic. He can't handle things being beyond his control at the best of times - and the thought of his downtrodden wife having the balls to leave her home, and take the children 200+ miles away and make a fresh start...find them new schools, a new house and a new life...all without him knowing...I don't think he'll take it well.
Yes, it's the first hearing - my solicitor knows all the details, including very intimate details of our sex life, his abuse, his threats of abduction etc. She has cited his threats as the reason my whereabouts must be kept quiet.

policywonk Tue 22-Apr-08 17:12:39

Do you feel confident that your solicitor is doing everything she can to keep you and the children safe? I know you said that she had a good reputation.

Will the judge/magistrate at the contact hearing be made aware of the police investigation against your ex?

I still think it's worth you contacting Women's Aid, outlining the situation and asking their advice. Just in case your solicitor has missed a trick somewhere along the line.

sleepingwiththeenemy Wed 23-Apr-08 08:13:41

I'm fairly confident with the solicitor, yes. I wasn't, until I read the report she wrote which I think will be submitted to the court either before or on the day...she's a b**ch!!!!!I gave her pages of typed text listing a lot of the abuse and incidents, and she's re-written them in such a way that they are still absolutley true but very stark, and to the point and - to be honest - scary. Reading them back to myself was horrible, it was like reading about someone else. It's so very very weird that when you are with an abuser you are blinded to what is right and's as if your feelings and emotions and cognitive ability is dulled to the point where you are almost non human. Even now, only 8 months out of it, I was shaking my head and thinking 'I'd never let anyone do that to me' and yet I did...over and over again!
The solicitor, by the way, was recommended to me by the local women's refuge - they use her for all their cases.
I don't know if the court will be aware yet of the case - if they don't know now they will on the day. God, I feel sick just thinking about it.

suwoo Wed 23-Apr-08 08:25:18

Regarding helping out sleeping on the court day, could all those who wanted to help CAT sleeping with their town, or another willing volunteer? Then she could see if anyone was nearby, but with no-one else knowing the town in question. Does that make sense?

policywonk Wed 23-Apr-08 10:10:52

That's a good idea suwoo. What do you think, sleeping?

sleepingwiththeenemy Thu 24-Apr-08 14:40:46 head is swimming. The police 'down there' called today to tell me that ExH is going to be arrested, either today if they can catch up with him, or tomorrow...certainly within the next couple of days. They asked could they question him about the rapes against me, as well as DD2, and I said absolutely...I have no need to protect him and he should be accountable for his actions. Filthy barsteward.
So I called the local DC, who says that the criminal investigation takes precedence over the civil contact hearing, and thus that should be postponed until the criminal case has been concluded, but my solicitor says I still have to go. Now, there is no way I want to drive a 500 mile round trip, just to be told it can't go ahead. Also I am now petrified of seeing him, knowing that he will have been arrested.
It gets more confusing...if he's bailed he won't be able to appear in the family court as the conditions of bail will be that he doesn't come into contact with me...if he's remanded he will be inside. If the police decide there is no case he will be free to appear and then I'll really be at risk!
However, surely the police can't just dismiss it as they have to access medical files, army records, refuge files, social services etc...?
I should have been painting at my new house today but have been in such a tizz that I haven't even picked up a paintbrush!
Also, my solicitor informs me that he will be aware of the allegations, as she sent some paperwork to his solicitor outlining the fact that DD2 has disclosed some details and that the police and social services are investigating!!! Talk about forewarning him!
God, I wish I'd just disappeared as I originally planned instead of trying to do things the 'right way'!

sleepingwiththeenemy Thu 24-Apr-08 14:43:20

Also, the police told me that even if the civil courts gave him contact, they would oppose it until it's all over. The DC here said he will be the main witness to the allegations against DD2 as she talked at length with him about it, without prompting I hasten to add...just in the course of conversation, so that makes me feel a lot better as I feel I have a lot of support from him and he'll be crucial to the evidence.

policywonk Thu 24-Apr-08 22:48:53

Hey sleeping, I've only just seen this. I can see that it's going to be a pain to do a huge round-trip only to see the bastard and then turn round to come home again, but overall the news sounds good, particularly if the contact case is to be put off until after the criminal case is over. Your DC sounds great.

Let us know how you get on tomorrow. Have you spoken to the Women's Aid people about your specific concerns? I know you said that the solicitor was recommended by WA, but presumably she is too busy to sit down and talk through your worries in detail?

sleepingwiththeenemy Fri 25-Apr-08 08:19:57

Hi, yes the DC is great...his involvement is effectively over as it's been passed to the local police down there, but he keeps me updated if he hears anything, and every time I ring to ask him anything I apologise profusely for disturbing him, and he always laughs and says I can call him any time day or night, so he's being a tower of strength.
Anyway, the DC down there called me yesterday afternoon and told me they had asked exH to come in today to ask him a few questions...once he is there he will be arrested. So it's definately going to kick off today. That's unless he does a runner hmm
I've spoken to the refuge I stayed at - I asked them how much info they held on file as I may need to use them as a witness...the keyworker I had wasn't there but the other woman said she will call me once she's looked into it. I may call women's aid anyway today and speak to them about the whole thing in general. Might also call 'rights of women' today and speak to one of their solicitors about where I stand with the civil/criminal actions.
I'm back to waking up and throwing up again...haven't had that since he left. I have a stomach ulcer too, which most of the time doesn't bother me but it's killing me now on a daily basis.
God I need a holiday!!!

ShortandSweet Fri 25-Apr-08 09:28:51

Sleeping my heart goes out to you and this will be extremely tough until it's all over but it will be worth it when he is behind bars.

This is the hardest bit now and when you get over it you will be able to relax for the 1st time in a long time. Good luck and I am thinking of you and your family always.


sleepingwiththeenemy Fri 25-Apr-08 20:03:09

Hi all. Well, my solicitor managed to get me excused from the hearing on Tuesday, due to the fact that I'm a single Mum on benefits, no car and no way I can afford the petrol to go down there. The judge granted my absence on the condition that I am available on the phone should he need to speak to me. My barrister is still going down there, so I'll be on tenterhooks all day.
Of course that all depends on the outcome of today's arrest. I am still waiting to hear if exH has been arrested or not, as they were supposed to be doing that today. They said they'll call when they have some news but heard nothing as yet. It's been agony.

policywonk Fri 25-Apr-08 20:15:51

Good news sleeping - you must be relieved about that. Let us know when you hear what happened today.

ShortandSweet Fri 25-Apr-08 22:53:15

Sleeping thats good you don't have to travel 500 miles in a round trip. Have a nice glass of wine to night and try to relax.

NFNhonest Fri 25-Apr-08 23:08:31

Sorry I've only just seen this (I don't Mn so much anymore) if there's anything I can do please let me know. If you do have to come down to this part of the country you can stay with me if you need to. Do you still have my e-mail? Has your mobile no changed?

If you need anything just ask (I mean it!)

sleepingwiththeenemy Sat 26-Apr-08 08:26:05

Hi are you???I was talking to DD2 this morning, and she remembers when we went for coffee in town, bless her. Is all ok with your brood?
Well, for now I don't have to go down for the case, and the family proceedings should be transferred but if the other case goes to court it will be down there, so if it's ok with you I will definately take you up on your offer.
My mobile number is the same still; I don't have yours anymore as once again, when I was trying to save all my numbers from SIM to phone it deleted them all! You'd think I'd learn wouldn't you? lol
I still haven't heard from the police about his arrest, which is driving me mad. I'll let you know as soon as I know anything.
Take care

NFNhonest Sat 26-Apr-08 13:39:53

Aww, that's sweet, probably down to the chocolate I think! My 2 are doing well thanks for asking, dd1 has a place at the school we wanted, dd2 not quite walking yet but is working on it.

You're more than welcome to stay if you need to, I'll text you so you have my number again.

I've added this thread to my watch list so won't miss any updates, hope you hear about the arrest soon, you must be on pins.

sleepingwiththeenemy Mon 28-Apr-08 08:44:45

Well, it's Monday morning and STILL no news! he was due to be arrested Friday, and I've spent all weekend on edge waiting to find out what happened, if he WAS arrested, if he's being charged, if he's got bail or been remanded or just let out! I've left messages with the police, but still no word.
The DC up here (bless him, he mist think I'm a stalker!) said that it's normal not to hear anything yet; that with allegations this serious it could have taken a LONG time to question him, and that I should hear today. he also said it's really good news that they are taking the child abuse seriously and want to question him about it, as due to her age it's a dodgy area and unless the evidence is sufficient it wouldn't stick, but the fact that they are going to go after him on that charge as well as the rapes against me is good news.
I'm so tired...I've spent nearly every waking hour at my new house decorating; have got the carpets being fitted Wednesday so have to have the painting finished by tomorrow night, and also try and paper by then. So am off there now to get stuck in. Will let you know if I hear anything today.

veryunhappychappy Mon 28-Apr-08 09:44:38

hello sleepingwiththeenemy,

i just wanted to write and tell you how brave you are. i wish you and your dc's all the best in the world. this man deserves to be locked away for what he has done. i am so sad for you all.

well done for picking yourself up and being so strong. i hope everything goes your way x

Buda Mon 28-Apr-08 09:56:39


You are doing so well. And are so strong. It probably doesn't feel like it but it definitely comes across.

I hope they lock him up and throw away the key.

PeterDuck Mon 28-Apr-08 15:23:32

Message withdrawn

NFNhonest Mon 28-Apr-08 17:51:23

Hope you hear something soon. How's your dd1?

sleepingwiththeenemy Tue 29-Apr-08 08:45:43

Well, he was arrested on Friday and bailed pending further enquiries. Apparently he denied everything (as expected) and triedto turn it around on me 'she liked it rough', 'she wanted anal sex' etc...however the police said they know for sure he's lying and they will prove it so now they are collating evidence and he is to return beginning of June for further questioning. He also denied the abuse against DD2, again as expected, although admitted taking her into the bathroom with him, but said the door was always unlocked.
The weirdest thing happened though yetserday morning.My phone rang, and it was an automated Lloyds bank message, for HIM, saying that they are concerned about the level of increased activity on his account and could he confirm the last 2 transactions. he has given MY phone number for his account, and is withdrawing a lot of money. I told the police, in case he's planning on doing a runner.
It's the civil hearing today, so I have to be on the end of a phone in case they need to speak to me. The barrister went down yesterday, but not sure whether it will go ahead now. I'm waiting for my solicitor to call and let me know because I know she spoke to his solicitor yesterday.
I'll let you know.
NFN...DD1 is ok thanks. A bit up and down but a bit calmer thanks.

I read this thread from start to finish yesterday and couldn't stop thinking about it for the rest of the evening. It is undoubtedly the most inspirational piece of writing I have read for a very long time. I have the utmost respect for the OP, as does everyone else who has been in this thread.

Sleepingwiththeenemy, you are a true credit to yourself, and to your family, and I for one feel truely inspired by the strength and unwaivering commitment to your family that you have shown throughout. I have no doubt that through all your hard work with the police you will get some sort of justice for yourself and for your LO.

WAStyedye Wed 30-Apr-08 11:46:49

thinking of you and your family,i agree wholeheartedly with lollipopmother.xxxxx

sleepingwiththeenemy Wed 30-Apr-08 16:19:31

Thanks blush but if you'd seen me yesterday you wouldn't have thought I was strong! I was painting my house whilst the case was being heard, and it was hell, knowing my baby's future was being discussed without me there to hear it. I was so distracted I knocked a full tin of paint all over the floor, and burst into tears! I was very tearful all day.
Anyway, his solicitor tried to get my barrister to agree to supervised contact, and failing that she wanted indirect contact i.e letters, cards etc...I said no way. Until this is all sorted out I don't even want him thinking about DD, let alone sending her ' miss you' cards and presents, trying to worm his way back into her affections. At the moment she says that she doesn't want to see him, and that he was always horrible to her, me and the other children. But a 3 year old would easily be 'groomed' with presents. It makesme sick to think that he wants any contact with her.
Anyhoo...the barrister refused, and requested that the proceedings be transferred up here, and that no contact should even be thought about until June, when we'll know if the police are going to chharge him or not. If they do we're home and dry, but if not then the battle continues. But at least for a few weeks I have some sort of breathing space. I need it too, as I am moving into my new house tomorrow and need to just be able to relax (if that's possible).
Had another strange phone call today; some bloke asking if I had a mortgage...I said no and I wasn't interested in whatever he was selling, so he then kept asking where I lived, if I was living with someone else etc...he got really narked when I refused any info. Coincidence, or ex trying to find out where I am? Not that far fetched as the police told me they didn't impose any bail conditions on him!!!!! H is actually free to come and find me and now he knows I am in the North West it narrows it down somewhat. I've even had to refuse permission for the school to use the children's photos for publicity/website/media etc in case he starts to try and trace them through schools in the area.
But, I have to just keep on smiling and plod on, and hope that this time next year life will be very different for us!
Thanks so much for all your messages of support so far, they really do help.

NFNhonest Wed 30-Apr-08 16:30:42

Hi Sleeping. Just texted you so you have my number again. Glad your barrister refused the contact, breathing space for you all as you say. V spooky phonecall, have you told the police?

btw, my parents are in the northwest, if you need any practical help I'm sure they'll do all they can - diy, man with a van type stuff.

(Did you just text me back? Am paranoid I've got the wrong number or something)

mishymoo Thu 01-May-08 10:41:53

Hi Sleeping. I have been following your story for a while now and just wanted to say that I think you are a very brave and strong woman! You know you are doing the right thing and hopefully justice will be served on your ex!

I am also very happy to hear that contact has not been allowed, I actually think he has a cheek in trying to gain access after what he has done!

Is there any chance you could change your number so that he has absolutely no way of tracing you?

sleepingwiththeenemy Fri 02-May-08 10:47:18

Hi all

Just a quick update. Police called today, and asked for names and details of anyone I told about the abuse. I didn't tell many people to be honest (not in RL anyway!) but I know I confided in my sister (in Oz), an old old friend in Iraq, a girl I met in the refuge and my oldest friend from school. Not all of it, but enough to know that I haven't made up the abuse to stop him seeing DD as I told them months, even a year ago.

He's calling me on Monday to get numbers etc, and then we'll take it from there. A couple of people I know I told have made excuses as they don't want to be involved - I don't understand it really as this is about a man who abuses women and children and surely men like him should be taken off the streets. But each to their own I guess.

Anyway, I'd better go. Take care everyone.

cluttercup Fri 02-May-08 10:52:51

I couldn't not post even if it's just to say what a courageous woman you are. A better example to your children I could not think of. x

NFNhonest Sat 03-May-08 07:17:49

How disappointing about your friends, are they afraid of him??

How's the new house?

sleepingwiththeenemy Sun 04-May-08 14:22:32

Hiya, just a quickie whilst I am at friend's internet. No, they'renot scared of him I don't think - I just think they don't want to get involved, or can't be bothered. It's fine to be honest...after all this is over I will be able to weed out the true friends and discard the negative ones. I've spent so long around people who bring me down that I am going to have a major overhaul of my life and only surround myself with positive people who genuinely care grin
House is fab, not finished yet but looking nice and feeling like home.
Anyway, must dash. Take care x

NFNhonest Tue 06-May-08 22:31:06

Hi - Just talked to my Mum and Dad, they are more than happy to help in any capacity they can, give me a shout if there's anything you can think of - we mean it! smile

mishymoo Wed 14-May-08 09:20:58

Hi sleeping - just wondered how things are going?

theressomethingaboutmarie Wed 14-May-08 15:11:13

Sleepingwiththeenemy - I've just spent the last 45 minutes going through this thread and wanted to let you know what a courageous, amazing, determinated lioness of a mother you are. You are simply amazing and you should remember that. Good luck with everything.

sleepingwiththeenemy Sun 06-Jul-08 18:37:59

Hi everyone

Just thought I'd give you an overdue update on our situation.

The police investigation is coming to an end. Ex was arrested, and bailed pending further enquiries. he's been re-bailed twice more, and is due back at the police station on Friday where hopefully he will be charged (if the CPS allow). The police seem to have dug up a lot of info on him, and have enlisted many people to give evidence etc, including his first wife who at first was terrified of giving a statement. His daughter has also given a statement against him (he messed up both of his kids from his first marriage). There is also something going on regarding facebook which the police have gotten hold of.

There was a hearing for contact last month. I went to court with my barrister and solicitor but was saved the trauma of seeing him, as the barrister pleaded fear on my behalf. It was adjourned because of the criminal investigation, but they have now re-set the date for 23rd July, which should be enough time to find out if he is being charged. If he is, then I'm home and dry as one of the conditions of bail will be that he can have no contact with me or the kids, which makes seeing me in court and asking for contact with LO impossible.

Unfortunately I have fallen out with my mum (again) as I asked her for a statement as they are wanting to charge him with cruelty against my older 2 children. She saw some of it, but she refused. She doesn't like police!!!!! I am so angry with her - no not angry, more disillusioned.But I cannot afford to waste my emotions on people who are not fighting my corner.

It's been a horrendous time. For the first time in my life I am now on anti depressants. Not because of depression (I don't think) but just that I was in such a high state of anxiety that I felt like I was drowning. I think it was when I broke down in the doctor's office, sobbing, and told him I felt like a big black woolly blanket was covering me and I couldn't get it off that he hastily wrote out the prescription, lol. Anyway, I was mortified that I was being given ADs, but in fact they have been a lifesaver, because I can feel myself levelling out now. I also had a drastic haircut last week...I went from past shoulder length hair to am elfin crop! lol...the hairdresser thought I was mad but it's soooo nice. I feel like a different person. But to me it's more than a's a statement that I'm starting to take back control of my life; new life new hairstyle kind of thing.

So, I'm asking all of you to send some positive vibes our way, for me and my 3 wonderful kids, to get justice and have him charged, locked up and out of our lives!

Thanks again for all your support. x

Turniphead1 Sun 06-Jul-08 19:10:17

Sleeping I have only read your original and most recent post. I am overcome with admiration for your strength and courage. What you have done to protect your family is amazing. Please do not feel you have let yourself down by taking ADs. Your anxiety levels must be through the roof. Just do what you need to get through the day and be kind to yourself.

I am angry that your mother can not see fit to support you - but agree that you are so wise to try not to waste energy on someone like this.

Apologies if this has been mentioned on other posts, but have you sought/received any practical or emotional support from Refuge or any other charities that help women escape abusive relationships? I can't help but worry that your GP should offer more than an script for ADs.

Very very best of luck. Stay strong.

llareggub Sun 06-Jul-08 20:01:45

I've just read the whole thread and I am stunned.

I want to say how in awe I am of you sleepingwiththeenemy. You have been so, so strong and I wish every child had a mother like you.

I will be thinking of and sending positive and happy thoughts to you and your 3 children. I just wish I could do something practical to help.

dittany Sun 06-Jul-08 20:05:40

You're so brave to do this, sleepingwiththeenemy. Sending you good wishes and support too.

mamalovesmojitos Sun 06-Jul-08 23:19:37

i too have just read the whole thread. i dont really get 'involved' with ppl on the net but i must say i cried reading your posts. you, my love, are amazing, dignified and true.

sleepingwiththeenemy you been knocked down so many times and you keep getting back up. you have so much love and strength and you and your dcs can begin the healing.

if there's anything you need please post. please post no matter what. i hope you get some comfort from the people on mn rooting for you.

keep going the way you are - the right way. x.

onebatmother Sun 06-Jul-08 23:32:50

FULL of admiration for you SWTE. Absolutely full.
I will be thinking of you.

littleducks Mon 07-Jul-08 00:25:17

I had seen this thread floatingon active convos and ignored it before but today i clicked it.

dear god girl, you have been to hell and back.

hoping for this to be over for you soon and bastard exh gone for good.

TheHedgeWitch Mon 07-Jul-08 09:27:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShortandSweet Mon 07-Jul-08 18:08:23

SWTE glad things are finally moving in what looks like a positive direction.

Thinking or you and your kiddies a lot and hope you all get the outcome you all deserve.

Lots {{hugs}} & {{positive vibes}}

sleepingwiththeenemy Thu 10-Jul-08 11:35:15

Hi everyone,and thanks so much for your messages of support. They're invaluable when I start to doubt myself.
Just spoken to the police who, I have to say, have been utterly fantastic, both up here and in my old town where he is. HE is due to answer bail tomorrow, where all hell is going to break loose because he has no idea that his first wife is also pressing charges against him!!!! I didn't know it until just now, but the offenses are 'as bad' as the ones against me...i.e rape. The police are asking for bail conditions to be set, forbidding him from contacting me or the children, or his first wife, which means that he won't be able to pursue the contact order!!!! He's going to be re-arrested tomorrow. Then they have to go to the CPS and wait for a decision as to whether they can charge him. I pressed the DC for his opinion on the outcome, and he said in his opinion, there is no way he won't be charged, as the evidence from me and his first wife, along with the children is far too conclusive. Added to that we can't be accused of being in cahoots with each other, as I haven't spoken to her for 18 months, and she doesn't know what the offenses against me are, so she couldn't be saying he raped her to back me up, as she didn't know. If that makes sense???
The DC also said he really doesn't like my ex...he comes across as shifty, nasty and dishonest, which is great for me because if it goes to trial the jury will get the same impression. the end of the month we should know for definate what he's being charged with, if anything, and what the future holds. I'm going camping with the kids on 3rd August, so it will be just wonderful if it's all decided by then. It'll be the best holiday of my life!!!

Tortington Thu 10-Jul-08 11:39:35

been reading with interest - i am in awe at your strength
much love

orangina Thu 10-Jul-08 11:42:36

Have been watching this thread myself from the outset and am so pleased for you that this is going to hopefully be resolved soon.... You sound amazingly strong, am in awe of you really. Have a fantastic time camping and enjoy the elfin bob!

AlistairSim Thu 10-Jul-08 12:11:27

Will be sending positive vibes your way, SWTE.

You should be so proud of yourself.


sleepingwiththeenemy Thu 10-Jul-08 12:32:52

I know nothing is set in stone yet....but I am SO excited! At last it's not just me against him...the police told me right at the beginning that this won't be the first time he's offended - they were referring to the abuse against my baby. It sounds really bizarre but I didn't even associate what he did to me with what he did to fact I blocked it out of my mind. Who would believe a man raped his own wife? And now that his first wife has made her statement it validates everything I have said. He's a serial rapist - God only knows if he has abused any other children. I am sick to my stomach that I married a man like that, and full of guilt that I put the children into that situation, but I am also gaining strength from the fact that I have got out, and taken my children to safety.

swiftyknickers Thu 10-Jul-08 14:27:33

i have just read this and wanted to say your strength is amazing-i only hope i could be half as strong as you are being in this situation... I really wish you luck for your future

oh and your hair sounds fab grin

PeterDuck Thu 10-Jul-08 18:22:58

Message withdrawn

sleepingwiththeenemy Mon 14-Jul-08 10:07:53

Hi. I don't have all the details yet, but I do know that he was arrested Friday for offenses against his ex wife, when he turned up to answer bail. He was re bailed until 31 July, as the police now have to go to a special branch of the CPS specific to rape, and they can't see them until 29th July, but the police have spoken to them provisionally and have said that it is highly likely that charges will be brought. Which is great news. They have also managed to attach bail conditions, preventing him from contacting me in any way shape or form, except through solicitors. I am waiting to hear from the police and/or solicitor to see if that means that the civil hearing can't go ahead on 23rd, as if he is prevented from having any contact whatsoever with me how can we be in court at the same time?
I've just left a message with the police, and am waiting for him to call back to tell me what happened (I got this info on my voicemail so don't know the ins and outs yet)
I'll let you know what happens.

policywonk Mon 14-Jul-08 10:12:41

Great news sleeping. Although I must say I'm a bit hmm that he's getting bail - surely the allegations and serious enough to warrant remand? Anyway, bloody good for you.

NotDoingTheHousework Mon 14-Jul-08 10:13:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slim22 Mon 14-Jul-08 10:29:37

I remember your posts very clearly.

Am so happy you can soon turn this page and move on.

You sound so level headed, so brave. Wish you all the best. Yes your DC are very lucky to have such a determined mum.

Makes me think there should be an alternative "classics" thread for stories like this to inspire other struggling mums.


sleepingwiththeenemy Mon 14-Jul-08 11:31:10

Hi, well just spoken to the police again. he was very calm throughout apparently, until they showed him some pictures DD2 had drawn for the police up here showing her, Daddy and Daddy's willy. There is a splodge in between them, and she described this as 'Daddy's willy cream'! At this point he apparently started shaking and got very upset. I asked about the civil hearing.He is not attending, so it will go ahead but without him there, just his solicitor. Apart from that it's just a case of waiting now until 29th July. he denied everything of course, but that was to be expected. Watch this space!

TheProvincialLady Mon 14-Jul-08 12:10:50

Sleepingwiththeenemy I can hardly find the words I need to tell you how much I admire you. What you are doing for your girls, yourself, your ex's first wife and women and children in general is just atonishing. I know from personal experience how hard all this is and you are being so brave in confronting it. I wish every woman in the same situation could be as strong. You are inspirational.

It sounds like your ex has not a leg to stand on and will shortly be in prison for a long time, where he will not be able to harm anyone - and will probably come in for a fair amount of abuse himself. Thank God.

sleepingwiththeenemy Mon 14-Jul-08 12:45:26

Thanks everyone. I have to say that it's been made a whole lot easier because of the way the police have dealt with it and me. It's been a 7 month investigation between 2 police forces, 250 miles apart, and I can't fault any of them. They've been compassionate, supportive and have even made me laugh in situations where you wouldn't think you could find humour.
Me and the kids have virtually nothing materially or financially, but we are happy and free. Everything we have is ours. It's not a lot (we left most of our stuff behind when we fled) but what we do have belongs to us and no one can ruin it or take it away. I am safe in the knowledge that he can't come near my older 2 ever again, he can't touch me and hopefully justice will be done and he will be prevented from having contact with DD2.

KaySamuels Mon 14-Jul-08 13:34:12

Just read through this thread, I am in awe of you. smile

Your ex sounds like a nasty piece of work, but by being so brave you will soon be able to put him firmly in the past knowing you did the right thing. I hope women in similar situations will read this thread and take strength and courage from it. smile

sleepingwiththeenemy Tue 15-Jul-08 14:03:57

Another sad day for us yesterday. We had a labrador who I had had since she was a puppy...she's now 4. I've been thinking for a while now that I should find her another home; I'm going to have to go to work from September so wouldn't be at home with her all day. I can't afford pet insurance and if anything happened to her I'd face putting her down as I couldn't afford to pay vet's fees, I could only afford the cheapest dog food - you know, the real dregs. She only had a tiny garden to play in as opposed to the massive one we left behind and she just wasn't happy. She'd lost weight since we moved and I just felt it wasn't fair to her to keep her and not look after her the way she deserved. So last night we said goodbye to her and handed her over to a lady who I have to say is lovely and will spoil her rotten. God it was awful - my eldest daughter nearly broke her heart crying. This year has been so hard - it seems we've had to give up everything, even our beloved dog. You'd think by now I'd be hardened to upset and hurt but I'm not. Still, it keeps me going knowing that she will have a better time of it in her new home, and the new owners have promised to send updates and photos.

ShortandSweet Wed 16-Jul-08 08:11:04

Your poor kids, it just seems to be one thing after another. I really do hope you all get the break you deserve very quickly.


sleepingwiththeenemy Sat 19-Jul-08 15:06:28

Hi all, and good news at last!!!!! My solicitor rang yesterday and toldme that he has dropped his contact order - he no longer wants to have anything to do with DD2, no contact whatsoever!!!!! Under ordinary circumstances it would be a sad thing, but at long last not only are my 2 older children safe, but so now is my little one! I'm so happy about it - it feels like all my christmases have come at once.
Now all I have to do is get through the criminal proceedings and that's it...over!

hertsnessex Sat 19-Jul-08 15:15:29

sleeping, you are amazingly strong. wishing you and YOUR dc's ever happiness xxx

Aarrgghh Sat 19-Jul-08 15:17:37

You really are an amazing lady x

It sounds like you and your children have been to hell and back SWTE, thank good its almost over. As others have said already, you are one strong lady. Good luck.

Seabright Sat 19-Jul-08 20:15:31

Well done! Do keep us up to date on the criminal proceedings - your last hurdle!

eandh Sat 19-Jul-08 20:20:53

Well done on latest news and keep strong one more thing to get through and then your whole loves in front of you.

On a practical level anything you particulary need (cant remember how old dd2 is but I have spare girls clothes but understand if you dont want to give a postal address out)

eandh Sat 19-Jul-08 20:21:14

blush whole loves = whole lives

warthog Sat 19-Jul-08 20:45:03

you're coming out the other side stronger and happier. you are an inspiration to us all smile

PatienceRequired Sat 19-Jul-08 23:46:28

Wow, have just read your entire thread in one sitting. Like everyone else i am astounded by it, both the horrible things you have all had to go through and the way in which you have dealt with them. Its seems so cut and dried from where i am that there can only be one outcome, i hope the judge/jury feel the same.

I wish i could do something a bit more useful other than say well done for getting this far and i hope the rest of the case goes well for you. Stay strong, and i hope you get some peace of mind soon.

You make me proud to be a woman!

dillinger Mon 21-Jul-08 20:42:50

I dont come on this site much at all nowadays but your thread has been one that I have followed, Im not great at putting things into words and so Im not a huge poster but Im pleased to hear how things are sounding right now. You are an amazing woman with wonderful children, and like someone has already said on here - if only every child in the world could have a mother like you.

I think about you all and I wish you strength, happiness and peace.

Much love xxx

bellavita Mon 21-Jul-08 20:48:48

Just wanted to say you are an inspiration.

sleepingwiththeenemy Thu 24-Jul-08 10:26:21

Hi. Well I went to court yesterday just to get the application withdrawal rubber stamped. It was a bit of a wasted journey really, as I didn't really need to be there but still...I'm not quite as at ease with it as I was, because the reasons he gave were such that he could re-apply at any time in the future without being penalised for withdrawing at this time, if that makes sense? He said that he was withdrawing his application at this time as he was facing serious charges in the criminal courts and as such it was not an appropriate time to be fighting a contact order.
On the plus side, it sounds like he has been advised that he could be going down for this. I was speaking to the barrister yesterday who told me that if found guilty of just the rapes alone he is facing a 10 - 15 year stretch, which would solve all my problems as by the time he came out, even if his sentence was halved, would mean that DD2 would be old enough to say she didn't want contact with him.
Or he could give in to his suicidal tendencies and top himself!

BitOfFun Thu 24-Jul-08 16:09:23

That is really good to hear - I wish you and your family all the best for your future, reading your story here has showed me how strong it is possible to be in the face of tremendous difficulties, and I am very thankful for your courage and example x x

monkeyme Fri 25-Jul-08 21:43:24

Just wanted to echo what the other posters have said - you truly are inspirational, and your DC are so lucky to have you as their mum. Wishing you all the best xxx

nik76 Sat 26-Jul-08 08:25:43

Sleeping - I couldn't read and run without saying anything, and yet I don't quite know what to day. Your children are blessed to have you as their mum. I really can't put inot words just how highly I think of you and how you have coped with such an awful, terrible situation. I know you don't feel you've done more than you should but hopefully when this is all over you will be able to take a step backand be proud of what you have achieved.

I wish I could do something to help but know that I can't help you so I am going to make a donation to the NSPCC or a womens charity in your name and would encourage everyone to do the same!

sleepingwiththeenemy Wed 30-Jul-08 12:27:43

Nik76, that is such a kind gesture! The NSPCC are the ones who encouraged me to report it in the first place so are a very worthy cause. Women's aid are also brilliant, as I went into a refuge last year when the situation got too volatile at home, and it was there that I was able to take an objective view of him, and take stock, and ultimately find the strength to get out of the marriage. So thankyou!

Hecate Wed 30-Jul-08 12:31:39

What happened yesterday, do you know yet?

sleepingwiththeenemy Wed 30-Jul-08 12:36:21

Thought I'd share some good news with you all!!!!!
The police called yesterday and told me that he is definately going to be charged with several counts of rape (both against me and his ex) The CPS have agreed it. Which is brilliant news as the CPS don't allow charges to be brought unless there's a good chance of a conviction!
They are still deliberating over whether to charge him with the abuse against DD2, which I was kind of expecting, as it's notoriously difficult to secure a conviction with a child so young. But as the police said he is being charged with the most serious offences (in terms of the my eyes what he did to my daughter is far worse than what he did to me) even if he was found guilty of the abuse against her his sentence wouldn't be any longer anyway.
They also don't want to charge him with the cruelty offences against my older 2, because it would mean putting them through the court process, and they were so scared they would have to go to court so I accept that.
I did say that I had reservations about him not being charged with DD2's abuse as that would mean he would be able to apply for contact at a later date, and he said that if he ever does the police both down there and up here would provide evidence to say he shouldn't have access. Just because the CPS won't charge him with that doesn't mean he didn't do it. They said it's because it may have a detrimental effect on her.
Anyhoo...apart from the several rape charges, nothing has been set in stone about the other things. he is answering bail tomorrow, and will be re bailed until mid to end Aug, by which time the CPS will have made their final decision.
The main thing is, he WILL be charged with hideous offences, and if he denies it it will go to crown court!

sleepingwiththeenemy Wed 30-Jul-08 12:37:46

Crossed posts Hecate!

davidtennantsmistress Wed 30-Jul-08 12:41:30

swte - you are such an inspiration, and your family is lucky to have each other. What he did is unimaginable to a lot of us, but i'm so glad he'll be held accountable for his actions. he can't see the eldest two or you, lets just hope he has the sense not to try and have contact with your other DD in the future.

I know you much be tired from all the fighting but you truly are a magnificent lady who has shown amazing courage and strength through out.

(am unable to make a financial donation, but to women's aid accept donations of clothing/toys and such?)

HumphreyPillow Wed 30-Jul-08 12:42:44

That's good news.

Did the police say what length of sentence he is likely to receive?

I can understand the decision to keep the children out of court - that would be highly stressful for you all.

Well done for being so strong and brave through all of this.

sparklesandnowinefor13weeks Wed 30-Jul-08 14:04:03

I have been following your thread but have not posted before, you are such an amazing and brave woman - i'm in awe of the amount of strength you have smile

I'm so pleased for you at the outcome of this

have the police said if he will go on the sex offenders list because of what he did to your DD? or does he have to be charged to go on the register?

nik76 Thu 31-Jul-08 07:13:47

fab news - one step closer to being able to move on!

sleepingwiththeenemy Thu 31-Jul-08 11:36:27

Davidstennantsmistress...I believe women's aid are always grateful for donations of clothes and toys. When I was in the refuge there were donations brought in several times - many women flee their homes with just the clothes they are standing up in, so are extremely glad of any being offered, both women's and children's clothes. Toys too, as very often the children have just one favourite toy brought with them.
Humphreypillow - the police haven't indicated what sentence is likely (that's if he's found guilty) but my barrister told me that he's looking at 10 - 15 years BUT I'd be surprised if he got anything like that. To be honest, if he's out of the way for 5 years it will mean that if he applied for contact when he got out DD2 would be old enough to say she didn't want to see him anyway, and his application would be useless. Even at the age of 4 (it was her birthday last week) she won't refer to him as Daddy, on the rare occassion that she mentions him she calls him by his first name.
Sparkles...I think he'd have to be charged to go on the sex offenders register, but if he's charged with rape I think he'd be on it anyway. I might be wrong, I'm not sure.
As for me, life is already moving on. My house, which was a dump when I was given the keys, is now beautiful - all decorated and furnished. I had to sell all my jewellery etc, computer, wide screen tv, camcorder etc...but by doing that I managed to furnish my house, buy beds for the kids etc. I borrowed £600 to pay for the carpets, of which I have paid half back already. DD2 had a little birthday party (which we never did before because he would always ruin it) which was lovely. The older 2 are at the cinema today with friends from school (they never had a social life before for the same reason), DD1 had a sleepover, her first at the age of 13. Her moods which were absolutely horrendous, have all but disappeared, DS is gaining confidence and is growing into a lovely, sweet, kind, handsome boy. And I have romance in my life again blush. He's the only person I knew when I moved up here, and we've gradually become closer and closer...he's been my rock.
A friend I've made since I moved up here asked me how come I'm always smiling the other day given all we're going through, and I told her that despite the stress and worry our lives are a million times better than they were before, so I have a lot to smile about. Even with being absolutely skint I am happier now than I have been in a very very long time.

sleepingwiththeenemy Thu 31-Jul-08 11:46:14

Just googled the sex offenders register, and it says that anyone convicted, cautioned or released from prison for sexual offences against children or adults must sign the sex offenders register.

oiwhatsoccurring Thu 31-Jul-08 12:30:04

SWTE. I am so glad you are finally finding that happiness. I can't find the right words but can see you and your family can only go from strength to strength now.

davidtennantsmistress Thu 31-Jul-08 13:41:52

surely that fact in it's self will prevent your X from having contact with your DD2? and if not full contact will ensure she has limited supervised contact? lets now hope and pray they throw the book at him, and he can never harm any of your children again.

Am so glad you're all getting on so much better now. don't ever doubt yourself, you're one strong lady and I take my hat off to you - many others would have sank.

<will also look out some stuff for the refugee, I need space!>

will keep an eye out for you but hope your life goes form strength to strength now.

Hello Sleeping! I was off work without my son here today & I clicked on this thread & it was like reading a book; I read all of your posts & I just wanted to add to what everyone else has said. You have done such a brilliant, brave & courageous thing for you & your children. But it seems to be more than that!

There is just something that is SO admirable and humbling about your attitude to all that has happened to you that it seems impossible to read this thread & not to post on it too.

You are really inspirational & the way you write is simple, honest and sort of makes people feel that they are really listening to YOU. All the best for the future & I truly hope that things keep on improving for you & your dc x

hi sleeping
wow, you are one wonderful woman. may all the luck in the world be with you and your family from here on in.

i wonder if youd cat me about something pls? absolutely nothing sinister! just want to say something a bit private just to you (and you dont accept cat's) smile

will also be making a donation to each of the nspcc and womens aid in your honour, btw. all the best xxx

Quattrocento Thu 31-Jul-08 23:16:07

What an incredible journey. My heart goes out to you SWTE. You're an inspiration.

Good luck for you and the children in the future.


sleepingwiththeenemy Fri 01-Aug-08 12:37:02

Hi everyone blush

I don't know what to say. You are all so kind, and I still have days of doubting myself, so your messages really do lift me up. So thankyou again.

Ruffle...I will add CAT when I get back from camping, as I don't have the money in my account at the mo blush. But I will do it when I return. I'm taking the kids camping on Sunday (should be funny as I've never been before but it's the only hols we can afford), so I'll be away for just over a week.

Your remarks have made me seriously think about settling down to writing a book about the whole messy thing. I love writing,and find it incredibly cathartic, and maybe in doing so it will give hope to other women in my situation.

Anyway, here's wishing for sunny weather for next week (positive vibes needed here again ladies) so hope you all have a good week and I'll update you when I get back.


TinySocks Fri 01-Aug-08 12:55:54

sleeping, you've made me cry (of happiness for you). Next time I donate things I will look for a women's refuge.

nik76 Sat 02-Aug-08 07:55:45

Hope you ahve a fab holiday - does anyone know how to donate to a refuge??? Sorry stupid question - are they in the phone book?

ilovemydog Sun 03-Aug-08 00:47:21

nik 76, no! not stupid question at all! I've been looking into it (as have lots of baby stuff and would prefer to give to people who could use it)

Obviously a women's refuge isn't going to give an address, but if you google 'womensaid,"
there is a local phone number.....

sleepingwiththeenemy Sat 23-Aug-08 13:05:32

Hi everyone

Sorry it's been a while but I've not been on line much since we came back from camping.

Not an awful lot to report really; he is due to answer bail next week, but the CPS are still looking into whether he can be charged with anything more than 'just' rape, i.e the abuse of DD2 or the cruelty towards the older children. So when he answers bail he will be re-bailed yet again! No charges have been brought as yet but I am assured that he will be charged with rape.

It's odd really, it's like living in a twilight world. On the surface life goes on, but there is always the undercurrent of tension and anxiety. I just wish it'd all go away.

Apart from that we're doing fine. DD2 starts school in September (where does the time go?), DS starts high school and DD1 goes into year 9.

Anyway, just thought I'd drop you a line to let you know where we're at.

BitOfFun Sun 24-Aug-08 00:56:29

Thanks for the update - I have followed your story and think about you and your bravery all the time. Good luck to you, and I hope everything works out - much love x x

sleepingwiththeenemy Thu 04-Sep-08 09:59:27

Hi all, nothing to report yet except that he has been bailed yet again til 22 September! but I wanted to ask your advice...
You all know what me and the children have been through. You also know I met someone else, and all seemed really well BUT...there have been problems, and I have to say they are mostly his. Despite what's going on on our lives I am still pretty laid back and even tempered but this man sulks all the time, at least once a week he storms out, because I have said the wrong thing, or said the right thing the wrong way. He's lovely with my youngest 2, but he just can't seem to get on with my oldest. I admit she can be a very difficult girl, but she has been abused by her stepdad and made to feel completely unwanted, so naturally has her guard up. She's not rude to him at all, just wary.
Anyway, last straw came when he turned up at mine at 7.30 am, in his lorry, last week, and asked me to go into town and pay some money into MY account, so that he could use m debit card to pay car insurance. Then handed me a prescription to hand into the dr, and finally told me to be at his for 5 that evening so he could use the card. Despite him being on his motorbike, he didn't come and pick me up that evening so I had to walk 25 minutes to his, with 2 of the kids. When we got there he asked 'how did you get here' which I said 'I walked, as always' and he just flipped...started ranting and raving about my attitude, said I do nothing for him (he even brings his washing to mine), and really went to town. My children walked out of the room. I aksed him to calm down and use my card for the insurance and he told me to stick it, that he didn't want it now, and wanted nothing from me! So I;d gone into town, gone to the dr and walked 25 mins to his (and 25 back) for nothing. I was furious. To top it all, the car he wanted insured is a 2 seater sports car he's just bought...and is trading in the estate car for it...thus leaving us with no transport unless I don't have my kids with me ever!
then, his mother calls, and tells me that he needs a woman to run around after him, and make all the effort and that basically i should put up or shut up!!! She also suggested I should go to his house once a week and clean it for him!!! the man is 47 for God's sake.
So...on the surface it's ok...he's been very good to us, gave us a roof over our heads etc...but I repaid him tenfold by paying for all his food and cooking, cleaning, washing etc...and now I have my own house I don't have the time or money to look after him as well as myself and 3 kids.
My instinct is to turn tail and run from this relationship. I've just got out of one controlling relationship, and me and the kids need a calm, gentle man, not a man child. What do you think?

mishymoo Thu 04-Sep-08 10:07:36

Hi Sleeping, have been wondering how things are with you!

I think you have answered your own question with regard to your new bloke. You have just walked away from a really awful controlling relationship and are rebuilding your life with your DSc.

You know in your heart that you deserve better and so do your DCs and this bloke knowing what he knows about you should not be so manipulative and controlling. Is he worth it?

bellavita Thu 04-Sep-08 10:13:14

Hello Sleeping, I have kept up with your thread although not posted. I think you need to walk away from this relationship for your own sanity.

Best wishes and good luck.

Leave him please he is not want you need right now (if ever!)

For a start, he sounds too controlling. Secondly, he sounds like he wants a skivvy! And thirdly, sounds like you have to put up with the mum as well as him!!

The last thing your kids need to see is another destructive relationship, do it for them and for yourself.

You will find happiness with the right man This just doesnt sound like "him"

Hassled Thu 04-Sep-08 10:19:09

Sleeping - I don't think I've ever posted here but have read the thread and thought about you often. You have done so, so well and have an unbelievable strength of character. Please don't undo all the hard work of this year by committing yourself any further to another controlling man. Take some time out from relationships - have some fun, think about yourself and the DCs, not others. Walk away.

Buda Thu 04-Sep-08 10:23:32

God Sleeping - walk away! There is a reason he is single at 47!

You have been to hell and back to get you and your DCs away from your ex. And you have done brilliantly. You do not need this kind of crap from anyone.

I would also worry what effect this will all have on your eldest DD. She has been through so much and you have shown her how strong you are - putting up with this crap will send her confused signal I think. You are worth more.

I agree with Buda, this will confuse & probably upset your eldest DD even more

Beetroot Thu 04-Sep-08 10:36:58

why are you with him again?

MinkyBorage Thu 04-Sep-08 10:37:26

RUN RUN RUN!!!! You have been to hell and back. You will meet someone, it may be years, it may be weeks, but you will. You must break this pattern NOW!!! Do not bring yourself and your children in to this dreadful relationship. Please please leave him NOW!! You can do it!

mishymoo Thu 04-Sep-08 10:38:29

Beetroot - she is not back with her ex! This is a new bloke who seems to want to control sleeping.

sleepingwiththeenemy Thu 04-Sep-08 10:38:46

Hi...that's what I thought! grin. Just wanted to turn to my friends once more and ask their advice.
the worst thing is that his mother, on the phone, was going on about how I am too protective of my kids, how I invest too much time in them, that when my oldest two are at their Dad's I should leave my little one with her overnight, as I am too clingy!!! No f*ing wonder is it? Last time I trusted anyone with my kids look what happened. And I have been very careful not to stifle the kids...they play out, they go to the cinema with friends, they have sleepovers...but I was in tears as she made me feel (once again) like a crap mother! She said I won't have a word said against DD1...well actually no, I won't. if she's a pain I'll tell her, we argue and I'm the first to admit she can be a royal pain in the a**e. But it's not her place, or his for that matter, to tell me that. They've all been put down and criticised by people in a position of trust, and I'm not allowing that to happen anymore.
It's all probably academic anyway, as I haven't heard or seen him since last Friday. What I object to is that we don't live together, and yet when he comes to mine he will tell the kids off, try and make the little one eat all her dinner (I don't believe in doing that), and does shout at them and I don't think he has that right. If we lived together then maybe, but not when all he does is come to mine for tea, leave the table before I've finished and then go home straight away.
Am I rambling? lol...I'm in a library as don't have internet access at home, and it only allows you half an hour!

Beetroot Thu 04-Sep-08 10:39:51

yes I know - but why is she with him (again as in tell me again)

Kewcumber Thu 04-Sep-08 10:40:35

"My instinct is to turn tail and run from this relationship" - your instinct is correct.

Beetroot Thu 04-Sep-08 10:41:10

plaese just don't bother contacting him.

sleepingwiththeenemy Thu 04-Sep-08 10:42:49

Beetroot...God no!!!! Did you think I was back with my ex? You must be joking...I hope he burns in hell! This is a new relationship. Or was.
Everyone else...I'm so grateful for all your comments and continued support and wisdom. You're all right, of course, as am I as I had already more or less decided I didn't need him. In fact I don't miss him at all. The only thing that changed for me is that I have one less to cook for and clean up after. That's it. he never took me out (blamed the kids), was never romantic (blamed the kids)...blah blah....I can't be doing with it. I'm not bothered about having a man anyway, I'm perfectly happy with the kids, and if and when love comes along then brilliant.

sleepingwiththeenemy Thu 04-Sep-08 10:43:48

Ah, crossed posts beetroot, lol. Things get lost in translation on here don't they?

Beetroot Thu 04-Sep-08 10:46:34

so glad you are thinking this way smile

mangolassi Thu 04-Sep-08 10:49:57

Sleeping, I've just skimmed your thread from start to finish. You're amazing. Your kids are amazing. Please don't put yourself or your kids through any more crap.

Oh, and have you thought about changing your name? It seems kind of out-of-date (or maybe you just really like the film, I don't know smile

Notquitegrownup Thu 04-Sep-08 10:53:00

Sleeping, I have followed your thread with huge admiration for all you have achieved, but never posted before. However, I just wanted to add my support now for you and to echo the previous poster.

You may well know that, sadly, it's a known fact that we tend to find partners who share similar traits to our previous partners, even if these are hidden at first. The pattern can be broken, as you become aware of what attracts you to men who are, for example, controlling, or them to you, but this tends to need counselling to help you identify and break the pattern.

Glad that you sound so strong too, and that you have spotted this before things go any further. Thinking of you.

sleepingwiththeenemy Thu 04-Sep-08 10:53:57

Good point Mango...I will do. Never even thought about it, but will have to think of a suitably uplifting one. My session time is nearly up now - you only get two 30 minute sessions a day - so will have to go in a bit.
By the way...DD2 started school today!!!!! She's only 4 and looked so cute. She's only there til 12, so I can go and get her soon. It was a wrench leaving her I can tell you!

Notquitegrownup Thu 04-Sep-08 10:55:25

Sorry - cross posted with the others.

Once again - you are inspirational. Do hope that you are getting some rl support, as well as MN.

sleepingwiththeenemy Thu 04-Sep-08 10:57:34

Unfortunately I have no support whatsoever in rl...I know nobody really apart from him, and any friends I had were/are his friends. But I'm working on it...hopefully I will make some friends at teh school. But I can tell you this has made me soooo strong.

SpandexIsMyEnemy Thu 04-Sep-08 10:57:48

NO RUN RUN for the hills and never look back.

there are nice men out there - this one is not, this one's a controlling arse. and tbh sounds like his mothers quite interfering.

leave don't contact him again. how dare they tell you how to raise YOUR children!!!

oh and fwiw you're not a crap mother, you're a fantastic strong caring mum who's had a lot of shite to deal with and are doing whats best & right for the kids.

leave. - as you say DD1 has been left feeling unwanted by XH, so you knwo what u have to do.

mangolassi Thu 04-Sep-08 10:58:32

Cool, I'll keep an eye out for this thread then - or a new one announcing your brand new, kick-arse name wink

sleepingwiththeenemy Thu 04-Sep-08 10:59:10

Ok, am about to get kicked off now but keep posting. and thanks.

Beetroot Thu 04-Sep-08 11:40:54

well done

you will make friends at school

mistlethrush Thu 04-Sep-08 11:41:03

Sleeping - I lurked earlier in the year - but must answer your recent posts. You can't 'invest too much time' in your kids. There is being over-protective - but it doesn't sound as though you are remotely this, and encourage lots of positive and interesting things for your dcs. In the light of your recent past, I would not be criticising you for being overprotective, even if you were - would be quite understandable.

Find new friends - there are lots of places, and the school should be a good starting place. Don't get stuck in a relationship that is not right for you.

Best of luck

How dare his mother criticise your mothering skills! Im outraged on your behlaf!

sleepingwiththeenemy Fri 05-Sep-08 10:22:23

Hi, no name change as yet as don't want to waste valuable library time on admin! Anyway, back to the saga in hand...something else I found difficult to get my head around is the lack of loyalty from him. He's told his mates all about what's happened to me and the kids, so we are now stuck with the 'stigma' of being sexual abuse victims - although I much prefer to see us as survivors rather than victims smile. And when DD1 was getting into 'trouble' with lads at school when we first moved, he chose to tell his teenage daughter, who is at the same school as DD1!!! I was furious that he did that. The last thing DD1 needed was to have all and sundry gossiping about her at a new school. I thought, and still do, that there was more to her behaviour and that it was down to the abuse...I haven't completely ruled out the possibility that she was also sexually abused by her stepfather, and this was her way of reacting to it. But instead of protecting her, my (then) bf decided to spread gossip!

sleepingwiththeenemy Fri 05-Sep-08 11:10:20

Managed to snatch another half hour...anybody about?

Buda Fri 05-Sep-08 12:17:31


God - he sounds like a plonker. Am so sorry you met another one.

Do you think he will be OK abut you finishing things? A bit worried that he might turn nasty.

SpandexIsMyEnemy Fri 05-Sep-08 13:35:07

bloody hell as if you don't have enough to contend with, I know the mature thing to do would be to ignore it - but well tbh I think i'd have to go into the school and say something and then say something to the 'man' - pathetic twat, along the lines of to butt out and it's nothing to do with him what your business is. angry on your behalf.

god i'm outraged. anyhow.

hold your heads up high - and also tell DD1 to hold her head up high as well - MN as a community is immensely proud of all of you (without sounding condesending)

SpandexIsMyEnemy Fri 05-Sep-08 13:35:37

i'm so sorry your trust has been misplaced. they're not all like him - honestly they're not.

he sounds truly awful. he has no respect for you and no respect for your poor daughter

sleepingwiththeenemy Sat 06-Sep-08 12:44:26

Hi, back in the library again! Spandex...don't worry, I know they're not all like him, and one day I will meet someone worthy of me and my children. I hope that doesn't sound big headed because believe me, I'm not, but I have learnt a lot about myself in this, and have discovered that I am a nice, decent, honest person with a lot to give, and that my children, given the right circumstances, will flourish. Fortunately I am an eternal optimist...bloody good job too methinks smile.
Buda, I have no worries concerning him turning nasty...he's not like that. In fact, I would go so far as to say he is too lazy and it would be too much effort. I haven't seen or heard from him since last Friday, so 9 days now. Not that I'm bothered, just surprised.

lilymolly Sat 06-Sep-08 13:18:57

Please please please dump this horrendous man.

You are an absolute star, and have been the most amazing mum. I think you should be very proud of yourself.

Dropkick this wanker into next week and please have some time alone with you and the kids and learn to have fun and laughter and joy in your lives before you even think about having another man in it.

Good luck and sending you loads of love through cyberspace

SpandexIsMyEnemy Sat 06-Sep-08 15:41:37

not big headed, but you're right thou you do deserve someone better. honestly the very best kind gentle man.

sleepingwiththeenemy Mon 08-Sep-08 11:17:50

Hi all. Just popped into the library again (thank God for bus passes otherwise I'd have to take out a small mortgage to pay for the bus fares into town every day!!!) so thought I'd say hi.
Still not heard anything from you know who...not in the least bit bothered and enjoying being single and independent! It's great...I don't have to shave my arms or legs if I don't want to, can get into my pyjamas at tea time and scrub off my make up, I can buy packs of 4 burgers/fish cakes/grills etc without having to have to think about whether he was coming for dinner and therefore needing a fifth serving.... Incidentally, I'm on benefits and he still would eat at mine most nights, then bugger off without offering to wash up OR help me with the shopping money. Hmmm....hmm

nik76 Mon 08-Sep-08 11:18:32

all relationships have a shelf life - this one was up, it was nice whilst it lasted but hey never mind. good to hear you are well.

sleepingwiththeenemy Mon 08-Sep-08 11:18:52

Meant to say shave my arm pits...not just my arms. I'm not that hairy!!!!grin

BitOfFun Mon 08-Sep-08 11:28:54

lol at that one! Maybe you could find out if there are any MNers in your area for a meet-up? I hope you make friends where you are soon. I recommend dog-walking too (maybe other people's for cash?) as it is a brilliant way of getting chatting in the park! God luck anyway, nice to hear you are doing so well.

Notquitegrownup Mon 08-Sep-08 11:29:26

lol at shaving your arms!

So glad that you are feeling good about life, and yourself. You deserve it.

Buda Mon 08-Sep-08 11:32:04

Glad to hear he wouldn't turn nasty. And glad to hear you sounding so positive. Are your DCs missing him? (I would kind of think not!)

sleepingwiththeenemy Tue 09-Sep-08 10:06:58

Hi. Yeah I am feeling good about myself, and life in general and try not to think too much about the investigation and possible impending trial. What will be will be, and I just have to face whatever is thrown at me. My Dad always used to say 'don't worry about the things you can't change'...I can't change this so I will just have to go with the flow.

Buda...DD2 was a bit confused when he just stopped coming round, but she has stopped asking for him now. The older two haven't really said anything about it only that I deserve better. I feel so sorry for the kids - the older two must be thinking they can't rely on anyone (male wise)...their Dad chose his girlfriend over us, their stepdad abused them, me and their sister, and now even this one has 'abandoned' them...I won't have my children's heads messed with anymore.

Anyway, that's me off my high horse! lol

I think you are amazing and I am glad you have been able to get past all the worst of this trauma. I read your thread like this shock yesterday, and have just finished it.WOW.

I say take sometime to relax and enjoy your new free life. Don't worry about your ability to pick men, people cover up their worst traits until later on in the relationship so how are you supposed to know the real them?? It's impossible to, so don't blame yourself, and one day they will understand that too. Unfortunately that is something they will have to learn for themselves as we all do, cos we wont be told will wegrin

You are inspiring.

And it is NOT your fault that their dad chose his gf over them. That is his fault.

sleepingwiththeenemy Tue 09-Sep-08 10:15:59

BandofMothers...thankyou blush. I guess if I was outside looking in I'd say the same, but from where I'm standing it just seems to me that I have made one massive mess of the kids' lives! Hopefully it is not too late to undo the damage - we are very very close and I can only hope that will be enough to get them (and me) through.

And no...we won't be told! lol

Hmm, trust me I wonder if I am messing my kids up all the time. Was thinking of starting a thread, but my OH knows my name on here. Life is shit and so hard, and I have no where near like your problems.

sleepingwiththeenemy Tue 09-Sep-08 10:31:11

BandofMothers...why not name change? The advice and support I have received on here has been invaluable to me, especially since I have no one in real life to turn to. All I would say is that if I can do it, anyone can! ok, things escalated to such a level that there wasn't a choice - I just couldn't stay, but I'm a real wimp, hate confrontation and change and will do anything for a quiet life. So for me to take this leap...
But life is so short. You have to do what you can to enjoy it.

I know, that is true. How do you stay so positive??
I have name changed before but never seem to get many replies, I used to be so positive too, I could bounce back from anything, but I feel so bogged down and useless at the moment. Sorry, feel like I am hijacking your thread. It's not that bad, I am just having a bad day, adn it's been dragging on so long I am just exhausted by it all. My girls seem happy enough tho, which is good.
If there was no choice I would act, but it's not like that, and I think having the choice makes making the decision harder IYSWIM. Wierd.

sleepingwiththeenemy Tue 09-Sep-08 10:43:55

BandofMothers...yes it's definately true that having a choice makes it harder. I tried for 6 years to get out of the marriage, as he changed literally overnight when we married. But we were living abroad by then and I'd left my home, family, job and the kids' schools behind so I couldn't leave. he knew though that I wanted out, and we were due to return to UK, so he raped me and got me pregnant...he knew I'd never abort a baby so he effectively had me by the short and curlies.
How do i stay positive? Hmm...not sure. I've always been an upbeat person - glass half full type. But believe me there are days when i do nothing but cry. There are nights when I don't even close my eyes. But despite everything, what I do have is my kids, and they are such a blessing to me that I can't be down. Everyone else has let them down; I can't too!
There are times when I rage at the world, when I am short tempered and ask why me? But I'm here and all in all I love life.
(And anti depressants help wink )

WOW, what a bastard. <<Thinks DH isn't so bad>>> I am not actually married to him and do have some really good friends, we have been close to splitting so many times in the last year or so, and he didn't live with us for nearly 2 years when I moved out as finances were VVV bad. I was 3 mths pg with a 2yo adn couldn't take the stress. I am actually getting a little bit of a social life too, I hope you can find somegood reliable friends, they are such a comfort. My email is I live in Leicestershire. If I am near you you can email me if you want.

Can't believe your man friend treating you that way knowing what you had been through, good friend hey??

kingprawntikka Tue 09-Sep-08 13:37:54

Hello Sleeping, i have often read your thread and have nothing but admiration for you. One thing you have not done is made a massive mess of your kids lives. You have done all you can to give themn a safe and happy life and you should be commended for that. they are lucky to have you.

taxiservice Tue 09-Sep-08 13:54:50

Hello swte,
So your girls have been through hell and back and so have you. It doesn't get much worse than this. You need to put them first by keeping men well out of their space. They need space and only you can protect their space. Don't talk to anyone (except anonymously of course) their past - even if you think you trust them. It is up to them to tell whoever they want to tell when they get older. No-one else needs to know.

My advice would be to get their dog back, they need comfort and security. Their dog (or another pet) might make them feel better than another man in the house.

Call him now and tell him it's over. Do it before you get wrapped up in it. You don't need a man in your life right now and your girls certainly don't.

sleepingwiththeenemy Wed 10-Sep-08 10:11:06


Taxiservice...I don't need to call him - it's clearly over! Haven't heard anything from him for nearly 2 weeks now, so even if I was inclined, I wouldn't be taking him back now as it's pretty obvious that I and the children don't mean much to him. he missed DD2's first day at primary school, DS's first day at high school, and DD1's first day back after she had some hassle before they broke up in July! he also knows that the CPS were due to make a decision early Sept about exH, and he hasn't bothered checking to see what's happened or if I'm ok. He'd have some front turning up at my door now! grin
BandofMothers, I'm nowhere near you unfortunately. What I need right now is a good circle of friends to turn to, and get to know the me I am now, without all the s**t we've all gone through. We've been to hell and back and are slowly coming out the other side, much better people for it! It's his loss, not ours grin

Absolutely, you really have a great attitude to everything, considering. Pity you are not close by, or that dd2 went to school, toddler groups are always a good way to make friends. Maybe a college course in something you have always wanted to learn just for fun. You should be able to claim it back, or get most of it paid for, and you can meet like minded people with something to talk about provided.

taxiservice Wed 10-Sep-08 15:12:31

hi swe - Phew! Just checking - as long as you can promise that if he comes back with the best excuse in the world - I was abducted by aliens for two weeks and that's why I couldn't be there - or I thought you didn't love me any more - or my mother is dying wink - you won't say ok that's alright dear.

Anyway, now the school year's starting, how about booking in on a course or getting involved with the school - helps to start September in a positive way I find.

SpandexIsMyEnemy Wed 10-Sep-08 19:57:34

well my DS is 2.5 (iirc your DD is around 2??) i'm on the south coast, I know you won't want to say too much just incase or something, but can reccommend some good P&T groups, or we could meet for a coffee and let the kids play - DS is always looking for new girliefriends sorry I mean play mates (little casanova that boy of mine!)

sleepingwiththeenemy Thu 11-Sep-08 10:00:02

Spandex...I'm nowhere near you either, but thanks smile. excuse at all. he's behaved in such a bad manner, treated me and the children with no consideration way will I have him back. Had a bad evening last night when i felt quite lonely, but nothing some chocolate didn't sort out! lol.
Also, on a serious note, if I did take him back what message will I be giving the children? Teaching my son it's ok to treat women badly, and teaching my girls to settle for being a doormat. Not going to happen.

xJulesx Thu 11-Sep-08 16:29:43


I have spent the afternoon reading this thread and am truly in awe at your strength and courage, keep strong, you are in my thoughts.
Sending you lots of positive thoughts

LittleWeePickle Fri 12-Sep-08 17:16:39

Wow what a story - I'm impressed by your courage.

Men - just stay away from them all for a couple of years, till all the dust has settled, till you are 100% happy. You went straight from one severely abusive relationship into another - bound to be a problem.

You don't need a man who will drain you, you need supportive friends (who can be male!) who are truly there for you (like all of us on MN!)

When time passes, you will start to understand why you have had these relationships. It's easy to get sucked in when a man is sooooooo nice at first - the thing is this: why do we stay in relationships which start to be abusive?

Been there myself - but now I have my DP who is soooo wonderful tho, best dad, best partner.

There is hope! smile

taxiservice Fri 12-Sep-08 18:20:40

Ah loneliness - a horrible thing. Have you ever lived alone? Don't forget that you have your children around you and they sound very supportive.

Do get involved with things like PTA at school, voluntary organisations etc. They are a great way to make good friends.

I have to disagree with pickle - I wouldn't go near a man for a long time, simply because you are all vulnerable atm.

Take care and well done you!

clam Sat 13-Sep-08 15:06:23

I, too, am awed by your strength. You are able to be the lioness guarding her cubs with regard to your DCs. Just make sure you do the same for yourself - although it sounds as though you have, so far as this new bloke is concerned. Don't let ANYONE treat you with anything less than the utmost respect.

sleepingwiththeenemy Tue 23-Sep-08 10:11:34

Hi everyone

The news you've all been waiting for......

Ex was formally charged with rape yesterday, six counts in all, three against me and three against his ex wife. He is bailed to appear for his court appearance on 2nd October, although it will be next year before I am required to give evidence. So fingers crossed that the jury see that he's guilty and lock him up! Unfortunately they are not charging him with the abuse on DD2, or the cruelty towards my older 2, purely because of their ages and they don't want them put through the court process. But at least he is going to have to answer for the rapes and hopefully go down. he'll still be a sex offender, either way.

As for me, I am still 'single' as although i did see the bf again there is just no way it would work. Last night I called him to tell him about the charges and he hardly even commented, and then started going on about how I didn't make him feel important and that's what went wrong!!! I couldn't believe it...I have to face up to the fact that I married a man who had already raped (and who knows how many more women he raped)and it's only now he's been charged that I am allowing myself to really face that, and he wanted to talk about how i didn't put him at the centre of my universe!!!!Hmm...hmm

I've also joined a social group. NOT a singles/dating group, but just a group of people who organise events regularly. I'm going out for a chinese banquet in october with them, never met any of them before but what the hell...I've never been one to dip my toe in the water, I usually jump in with both feet!!! I have no interest in meeting a man, or dating...I just want a bit of a social life!

pgwithnumber3 Tue 23-Sep-08 10:16:18

Sleeping, I have been following your thread since the start but never posted. Just want to say that I am gobsmacked at how strong you are, you sound like a wonderful person and mother and it looks like finally, you may be able to look towards the future and move on. So happy that he will get his comeuppance, shame though that they are not charging him with abuse of the DC.

Good luck for the future. smile

Great news, i hope that after all this you can lay all your demons to rest, and enjoy your time with your DC

and what a waste of space that last bloke seems to be! very selfish!

enjoy your night out!

Buda Tue 23-Sep-08 11:50:59

So glad I spotted this in active convos. Great news about the charges! Hope he gets put away for a long time.

Other man def not a loss as you have realised. What a waste of space! You are well out of that one!

Good on you for having such a brilliant attitude. Hope you enjoy your Chinese banquet and make lots of friends.

policywonk Tue 23-Sep-08 11:53:37

Well done sleeping. Shame he's on bail, but I suppose you can't have everything.

Well done for joining the social group too!

sleepingwiththeenemy Wed 24-Sep-08 09:49:41

aargh..having a panicky moment about the social group! Not sure if I can bring myself to turn up at a restaurant with a group of absolute strangers! I have nowhere near the self confidence I used to have. Aaaarrgghhhh....
Policywonk...the only good thing about him not being on remand is that if he's found guilty and goes down, he won't have any time taken off the sentence for the time he's been on remand if that makes sense?

I'm actually a bit on tenterhooks now he's actually been charged. The detective who charged him said that he was eerily calm when charged, didn't bat an eyelid and just asked would he be out of the station in time to go back to work that afternoon. Most men, when charged with rape, would be devastated surely? The detective said he has certainly never come across a reaction like that. So now I'm panicking somewhat and thinking maybe he's decided he's going to come after me as he's got nothing to lose. Whenever he's been suicidal in the past he has also been eerily calm and unemotional, and if he's decided to end it he may try and find me first.

Also, I am finding it hard to deal with the reality of me marrying a man who was already a rapist when I met him. How did I not know?????

I phoned my Mum yesterday to tell her about the charges. We haven't spoken for a long time as she refused to give a statement to th epolice regarding the emotional abuse of my older children. Anyway, she was so dismissive, and I get the feeling she's dying to ask me 'are you sure this actually happened?'. Then I told her I was on anti depressants and she said 'what? Why? What have you got to be depressed about? You don't need those, stop taking them'. WTF???? I've been dealing with this whole thing for so long single handedly and she asks why I need help?

Anniegetyourgun Wed 24-Sep-08 10:08:36

Gosh - if that's your mother's attitude, no wonder it took you so long to recognise abuse in your marriage. That attitude on the part of a mother is pretty horrifying, actually. Who wouldn't want to put their arms around their little girl and hug her when she'd been through so much? A person who is not all there, is the kindest way of putting it.

Please accept a hug from me. I'm the laziest mama in the history of humankind, but I've got enough maternal instinct to go round the world, and a hug costs nothing. A kind word is cheap (free at evenings and weekends!). You deserve unconditional love and admiration - and keep taking the pills as long as you need them. My (probably barking mad) theory is that it's strong, not weak, to take anti-depressants; it shows determination to get on with life instead of wallowing in useless, debilitating emotions. It'll take a long while to get over the worst and there's no reason to deny yourself help in the meantime.

DwayneDibbley Wed 24-Sep-08 10:19:19

Message withdrawn

DwayneDibbley Wed 24-Sep-08 10:21:08

Message withdrawn

sleepingwiththeenemy Wed 24-Sep-08 10:28:01

Thanks so much. I'm not exaggerating when I say that MN has really got me through some bad times with this.
re the anti depressants...I'm not even taking them for depression so much as anxiety. My nerves are shot to pieces and my mind is constantly on overdrive, so they were prescribed to me by my (fantastic, compassionate and very good listener) GP to just enable me to operate on a calmer level.
What I am worried about is that this realisation of who and what I married has seriously damaged my faith in myself to recognise good from bad. I will find it damn near impossible to truat a man again, not so much infidelity-wise but rather with my children and myself. But by the same token I don't want to be on my own forever either. I'm happy being alone with the DC now, but in a year, or five or even ten I'm going to want to share my life with someone speciai but I don't know if I'll ever be able to let anyone in again.
As for my Mum, unfortunately she has always been emotionally absent and I spent my entire life trying to keep her happy and not upset her or make her mad. Doesn't stop me trying to win her affection though, and being crushed when it doesn't come!

policywonk Thu 25-Sep-08 09:51:30

I see your point about the sentence (here's hoping it's a bloody long one).

I can see why you're worried about your reaction. Have you spoken to your contact at Womens Aid about it? They might be able to give you some reassurance. Are your local police aware of the potential thread - do you have a panic button or anything like that? Sorry, I'm not trying to alarm you - it sounds as though you're very well hidden from your ex - but if you put a few safety procedures in place you might feel a bit less anxious, hopefully.

Your mother sounds absolutely horrid. Have you read the threads on here about toxic parents? Lots of women have posted about experiences like yours with your mother, and the general consensus seems to be that in the end you just have to cut people like this out of your life, because you'll never be able to please them. It must be heartbreaking though.

Don't feel that you have to apologise or explain about the ADs - you and your GP feel that they're necessary, and that's all that matters.

Seriously, you deserve a medal. Are you going to go to the social group? I guess, as far as men are concerned, you just need to take things REALLY slowly - hopefully this will go some way towards flushing out the bad ones.

WowOoo Thu 25-Sep-08 10:04:33

That's great news. hopefully they will condsider your daughters when they sentence him and lock him away for long time.

You do deserve a medal as policy says.

Sometimes you can't judge how peeople will turn out though - there's nothing anyone can do about that. It's great your getting social too.

Hope you enjoy yourself and that your Mum stops being so horrible.

sleepingwiththeenemy Mon 29-Sep-08 10:56:27

Hi all smile

Well, as Alice said 'curioser and curioser'...the bf (ex) turned up on Saturday night, having been to the wedding reception we were supposed to be going to together.
DD1 told me he had pulled up outside, but he wouldn't even come to the door so in the end I went outside, he asked me to get in and talk, so I did. He then told me that he thinks it would be best if he moves in to my house for half the week, and live at his house for the other half!!!!!!!!! hmm. Er...hello...we're finished? I was gobsmacked. I mean, that'd be a bad idea in the best of relationships, but even if we had a relationship (which we haven't) it'd be a disaster. I mean, I'm trying my damndest to get the kids well and truly settled and stable, and then he expects to move in for HALF a week, having told me he only tolerates my oldest daughter, and he can't adjust to having kids around him! How the f**k does he expect that's going to work? He was stunned when I turned down his 'generous offer', and got really narky, then turned all 'whiny' and said he has panic attacks if I'm not there to hold his hand. As my friend pointed out this morning, he didn't have panic attacks when he went off to France on his motorbike a few months ago without me, or when he's swanning round in his sports car! (The 2 seater variety he bought, despite me having 3 kids).
I'm just at a loss as to understand him at all.
By the way the anser was a definative NO!

Buda Mon 29-Sep-08 10:58:25

My God! He really is a catch isn't he?! How could you resist?

sleepingwiththeenemy Mon 29-Sep-08 11:00:24

Did I mention that he also wants DD1 to go to his house, and clean it for him, and he'll pay her a fiver a week (paid monthly.) This would be in return for cleaning his kitchen, lounge, stairs, bathroom and his bedroom. He leaves his washing up so she'd have to do that, and clean the bathroom after 2 men (he has a lodger living there). Plus, he wants her to do this in the evening when he and his lodger are there, and he'd drive her home after. He was so offended when I said no. After everything that has happened he couldn't see how inappropriate this would be.

I think he lives in his own little world and reality seems to be bypassing him.
What a wierdo.

sleepingwiththeenemy Mon 29-Sep-08 11:03:05

LOL Buda! I'm sitting here in the library and chuckling to myself! It is laughable, and so unbelievable, but at the same time it's really p**sing me off. It's like he feels I should be grateful to him for his 'offer'. What would make it worse is that he goes to bed at 9 most nights (up early for work) so the kids would have to tip toe around, and he would expect me to go to bed at the same time as him (he told me this on Saturday night whilst i was trying to drag my jaw off my lap).

sleepingwiththeenemy Mon 29-Sep-08 11:03:55 thoughts exactly. This man is 47....47 years of age FGS

He would expect you to go to bed at 9 with him, and he thought it was a nice offer for your dd to clean his pit for a pittance. My god, men can be so delusional. They really do seem to think we should be exstatic at the thought of cleaning up after them and washing their undies don't they??

I sometimes wonder why we have anything to do with htem at allhmm

Buda Mon 29-Sep-08 11:08:07

There is a reason he is 47 and single!

Buda Mon 29-Sep-08 11:10:12

Have a look at this thread - it could be worse!

sleepingwiththeenemy Mon 29-Sep-08 11:11:16

Yep, when I complained about being his 'skivvy' he said 'You're old fashioned underneath all that modern girl enjoy looking after your man really'! hmm

BitOfFun Mon 29-Sep-08 11:19:39

Sorry if I'm cross-posting with anyone, but my internet is on a go-slow today...What a DELUDED Idiot!! I bet you found it hard not to laugh in his face. I am seriously gob-smacked at this guy - it is going to keep popping into my head all day now and make me wonder at the insanity of it all! So glad you told him where to get off - was he reaaly expecting you to agree? I thought my ex was selfish, but this guy needs some kind of award, surely?

CurrantBM Mon 29-Sep-08 11:43:00

Form an orderly queue ladies, he sounds like a catch! hmm

Just read all of your posts SWTE, you are fantastic! grin

Buda Mon 29-Sep-08 11:48:15

I meant to put a link so my last post makes absolutely NO sense!

Try and read this (if my link has worked!)

policywonk Mon 29-Sep-08 11:51:37

I'm sorry to say this (and well done again sleeping for telling him where to stick it), but alarm bells are ringing for me... why does he want a young girl to be alone in his flat with him?

Sorry, he sounds as though he might be predatory (as well as being a complete wanker).

MatNanPlus Mon 29-Sep-08 11:59:03

So glad to read the news re Charges and have to LOL at the ebf's alternate reality.

He should speak to my 46YO hubby who does ALL the cooking, cleaning etc

{cos i work away from home}

sleepingwiththeenemy Tue 30-Sep-08 10:13:33

Hi everyone
I've just discovered that exbf is on plenty of fish too, lol! Wanting to move in with me?????????????? I think blardy not! What a strange mind he has.
policywonk...I felt horrible thinking it but yes...I felt it was highly inappropriate that he wanted DD to go to his house in the evening when he was there alone with her. She told me that he had said to her that she would need to clean the house BUT if she played it smart she could get paid just for sitting and talking and 'pouting prettily'! Now it might be completely harmless but I think that would be wrong in a normal situation but in ours, given what's happened to all of us, I think it was bang out of order.
I'm having problems with DD1 now too. She has a 'boyfriend', and me...doing the reverse psychology bit, said he could come to the house - I figured if they were at mine (no upstairs though) I could keep my eye on them and know what they were getting up to, rather than them sneaking around behind my back IYSWIM? Anyway, they sat on the settee together and he started groping her boobs IN FRONT OF ME!!! I made excuses about dinner being ready so he had to go, and then had the big talk, I didn't go mad as that makes her shut down, but really did spell out to her that he was bad news and had no respect, either for her or me. I told her I wouldn't tolerate it and now I've barred her from spending time with him outside of school. He's been expelled twice for assaulting teachers, he has a temper and...wait for it...his Dad's in prison for murder!!! It beggars belief...why us? How come trouble just seems to find us? But now I'm worried that with me banning her from seeing him it might push her further towards him but I cannot allow it to carry on. She's already told her brother she doesn't trust him alone with her.

sleepingwiththeenemy Tue 30-Sep-08 10:16:06

I meant to say that she seems to place absolutely no value on her own body. I am becoming more and more convinced that exH did something to her as well as DD2, as her behaviour around boys is so extreme. She can't see why I am so upset by it.

sleepingwiththeenemy Tue 30-Sep-08 10:20:45

I feel like crying today...I have an appointment on Friday with the gp and I'm going to ask him to up the dose of my anti depressants. I'm struggling to cope with it all, I'm not sleeping and I'm shattered. My mother last night blamed me for moving up here in the first place...has she forgotten that I had to flee my paedophile serial rapist husband???? That the police warned me not even to go back to collect my stuff? I want to crawl into bed and not wake up til it's all over. sad

Buda Tue 30-Sep-08 10:28:59

Oh dear. I am sorry you are still battling.

Your mother sounds SO supportive. Not. CAn you avoid her for a while? Talking to her seems to just be frustrating.

Re: your DD. I really don't know what to advise. Has she had counselling? Sorry - can't remember. How old would she have been with exH? Just wondering if something did happen but that depending on how old she was, he managed to convince her it was her choice ifswim?

A friend had 2 DCs, a DS and a DD and she remarried. When the DD was 15 she started coming on really strong to the step-dad. He was mortified and didn't encourage her in the slightest. She was looking for attention. I am just wondering if something similar happened with your DD and your XH encouraged her? She would be feeling really mixed then. May feel she couldn't blame him although obv he was totally in the wrong if anything did happen.

I think perhaps not talking to your mum for a few days might help too, she is not helping you at all.
Your dd is probably confused about her body image and what she should be doing with her body. She is at the age where she is discovering all the sexual feelings and it probably makes her feel good when she is admired, even by innappropriate men. Your talk wil hopefully help her to see what is appropriate and what isn't. I remember being that age and having men start to fancy me. Groping her boobs in front of you is out of order and I think i would have said so and embarrassed him, but your ex, pouting prettily and when he knows what she's been thru. He is not only a knob who lives in lala land, he is getting into the evil section there too. I agree with whoever said that. Tell him if he ever gets near her again you will go to the police. What he was suggesting is gross, and illegal I might add. Well not sitting prettily but he obv has something more on his mind, and that is wrong wrong wrong.
Maybe a chat with your police man friend who was supportive, just so someone knows what he's said???

policywonk Tue 30-Sep-08 13:27:39

Oh sleeping, I'm sorry you're having a bad day. I think you're quite right to talk to your GP about it. Are you still getting support from Womens Aid or any of the other local resources? It sounds as though you could really do with someone to make you a cup of tea and talk things through.

Look at it this way: your instincts about the ex-bf lead you to do exactly the right thing. You kept your daughter safe and you told a slimy man to shove off. Despite the difficult situation you're in, you handled it calmly and appropriately. Your children are lucky to have someone like you looking out for them.

For what it's worth, I agree that it sounds as though your daughter has low self-respect where her body and sexuality is concerned. I have zero experience with teenaged girls so I'm afraid I can't offer much help other than stuff you've probably already thought of (discussing the situation with a sympathetic GP, policeman or teacher at your DD's school), but maybe you could start a thread on here asking for advice specifically about this issue - I'm sure there are posters on the board who will have experience.

BlaDeBla Wed 01-Oct-08 09:31:17

You are doing all the right things, Sleeping. I think dodgy people sniff out vulnerable people, so please don't be hard on yourself for feeling vulnerable at the moment. You are doing heroically (sp???) well. You are also surrounding yourself with people who can help to support you. I hope your dd finds some help too. You are a very good example to her.

SpandexIsMyEnemy Wed 01-Oct-08 09:39:04

((hugs)) swte.

I think maybe some family therapy might help? (obviously no need for you to go into the full ins & outs with your LO's) but esp some for your DD - her self esteem & confidence must be at rock bottom, how old are your older children again?

I think until she does value herself more these sorts of 'boy's will keep attracting her attention? - maybe she thinks she's not worthy of more when we all know she is worth so much more.

and your XB - well - tbh i'd seriously wonder why he wants a young girl in his flat - that's not normal what he's suggesting. really & truely it's not normal at all. leave him to his POF.

sleepingwiththeenemy Wed 01-Oct-08 09:56:18

Hi, back in the library again!
Spandex, DD1 is 13 (14 this month), DS is 11 and DD2 is 4.
I seem to be having no problems at all with the younger 2...I talked to DD2's teacher this morning (I had to tell them what has been going on as DD2 might have come out with something about her dad in class and all hell would have broken loose) and she told me that DD2 is a delight in class, always smiling and happy, as she is at home. DS is a lovely child, very sweet, loving, kind...couldn't ask for a better son. And DD1 is also a lovely girl, just so at odds with herself. I feel desperately sorry for her, but she won't talk to anyone. The school have offered counselling ( I had to inform them also) and I have asked her to come with me to speak to the GP about counselling but she won't go. She's quite a 'deep' person, and wouldn't find it easy to talk.
Don't get me wrong, I am VERY proud of all 3 of them equally; we've been to hell and back and I would fight to the death to protect any of them.
ExB text me today, as if nothing has happened, asking how I am. I text back 'fine,...even though I'm feeling crappy I don't want him to know that. I'm not feeling bad about him anyway - he's the last thing on my mind.

SpandexIsMyEnemy Wed 01-Oct-08 10:05:13

just ignore him, and say I have nothing to say to you, please leave me alone.

a suspicious person would be slightly concerned about his keeping contact with you & his 'proposal' re DD1. hmm

hmm sounds like DD1 has an inner turmoil type of thing going on. I wonder would she perhaps write it down - for example if you have a standard laptop/note pad even at home, give it to her and say, ok when i'm feeling sad and upset i'll write to you in it, and when you're feeling the same and confused you write to me in it?

(i'm not quite sure how/if it would work with a girl her age or not)

you may need to start things off/ have more input to start with sort of thing like, I was so proud of you today in school. if there's a few down days, perhaps put a pos spin in a negative - I don't know, I worry when you're out, but I know you're a sensible girl?? (as you're not sure if indeed anything has happened & we're not entirely sure it might not work but maybe that sort of an idea on things?)

sleepingwiththeenemy Wed 01-Oct-08 10:22:53

Good idea Spandex...

She brought home a certificate from school for being 'really nice' for a whole term. not that she wasn't really nice before if you know what I mean, they just give these awards out to the nicest/kindest/sportiest/most improved....

I was really pleased, but also went back to her room later when we'd finished talking about the situation and told her how proud I was of her for getting it, so it wasn't overshadowed by what we were talking about.

I have brought my dr appt forward to today, as I am really living on my nerves, and need to ask their advice about my dosage before I put in my repeat prescription. I'll talk to the dr about it all then.

SpandexIsMyEnemy Wed 01-Oct-08 16:40:46

anything that gets her to 'open' up about things can only be seen as a good thing.

do you get very much 1 2 1 time with them all?

good luck with your DR.

Notquitegrownup Wed 01-Oct-08 16:46:27

Just echoing Spandex's idea. That is a brilliant idea. Just make sure that your dd knows that it is for the two of you, and get the groundrules right early on - ie. you will talk about stuff that's in the book, but that it is special between the two of you, and not for the others to read.

SpandexIsMyEnemy Wed 01-Oct-08 16:48:28

actually yes that's a good point, it's something nice for you to to do - I'd be weary about the idea of it being a secrete or something special, as if anything did happen with XH it might well remind her of such likes?

Notquitegrownup Thu 02-Oct-08 09:58:47

Good point Spandex - the idea here is to encourage her to bring her feelings into the open, not to lock them away as secrets. It's still a lovely idea though.

sleepingwiththeenemy Thu 02-Oct-08 10:40:59


Well, fortunately DD1 has seen sense and decided to 'dump' the boy. Her friends at school detest him, and i think she realised that both her Mother and her friends couldn't be wrong!

Saw the dr who was very supportive, and upped my dosage.

DD2's school called yesterday and asked me to go in and see the head, to fill him in on what's happening. I had already told the teacher in case DD2 said anything untoward, but the head wanted to speak to me about it. Well...I could have cried, he was so nice to me. Sat and listened, said all the right things, made me laugh...when someone knocked on the door he wouldn't answer it, just gave me his undivided attention. He asked what support I have for me, I said none, so he said he's always there for me to talk to any time at all. It's been so long since I had anyone listen to me I was almost overwhelmed! I don't know if it was the increased dosage or the fact that I had talked to him, but I had the first good night's sleep I have had in ages.

MatNanPlus Thu 02-Oct-08 14:16:56

Great from the HT SWTE glad the DC's are doing well.

policywonk Thu 02-Oct-08 14:23:27

That's good news sleeping - the head sounds lovely.

I think Spandex's idea is great - I'll be keeping a note of that one for when my DSs are older and refuse to tell me anything!

Re. the counselling - if she's really reluctant then maybe it's best to let her make that decision for now. I think having counselling when you really don't want to can be quite damaging. Just as long as she knows that the option is there.

sleepingwiththeenemy Fri 03-Oct-08 09:45:46

It was the first court hearing yesterday. he pleaded not guilty, obviously, so the case has been adjourned until 12 December, so more waiting. I won't be required for that one, it's just the first hearing at Crown Court.I'm just glad I'm 250 odd miles away.

policywonk...I've told DD1 that the option is there, and that I may well use counselling myself, but as the dr said it's best to wait til everything has settled down before undertaking that. She may decide to go herself if she sees me going, but if not I can't/won't make her.

SpandexIsMyEnemy Fri 03-Oct-08 17:30:50

ok, what does that mean? you'll have to go as a witness etc? is he in custody at least?

policywonk Fri 03-Oct-08 19:58:34

Sadly, Spandex, he's not on remand.

It probably doesn't seem like much Sleeping, but it's progress of a sort I suppose!

sleepingwiththeenemy Mon 06-Oct-08 09:56:56

I'll have to appear when the trial starts, but the hearing in Dec is just the first hearing at crown court, it can take months and months to get a trial underway.
As Policy said, he's not in custody - he's on conditional bail which basically means he's out and about and free to come and go as and when he pleases, on the condition that he has no contact with me or the DC, or comes anywhere near us or gets anyone else to contact us.
It's making me very jittery though.

SpandexIsMyEnemy Mon 06-Oct-08 12:50:52

dos he have any ideas where you may be? (i'm assuming your own family etc don't know where you are.)

lets hope that when the time comes they throw the book at him.

sleepingwiththeenemy Tue 07-Oct-08 09:42:39


He knows what area of the country we are in (eg, East Anglia/London/North East) but it is a massive area we are in, and comprises of many major cities, so it'd be like looking for a needle in a haystack. It was inevitable that he would know roughly, as he had to come to court here for the contact hearing, but the solicitor held it in a different city so he wouldn't know. Also my address has been withheld on all correspondence, and the solicitor sends any mail with the head office address which is ina different place from here.
I also applied to be entered on the electoral register anonymously - if you can prove that you fear for your safety, and can get the police/social services to back it up they will omit your entry from any public file.

LoveBeingAMummy Tue 21-Oct-08 14:47:01

Hey sleeping

Glad thungs are underway, it probably will get tougher with dd1 before it gets better and possibly not till after the trial, like you she needs closure to be able to come to terms with whats happened.

Don't ever doubt that you are doing a fab job I feel humbled every time I read one of your posts.


sleepingwiththeenemy Wed 22-Oct-08 11:37:07

Hi, and thanks again. smile

Well, found out today that it's likely he's disappeared. The solicitor sent divorce papers to him a while back which he failed to acknowledge, so they applied to the courts to have a process server take them by hand to the address we had. He wasn't there, had movd out and they were given a new address for him. They went there only to be told that he had trashed the place, causing £4000 worth of damage to the house and had disappeared!

I've spoken to the police and they ssaid there's nothing they can do until his next court appearance in Nov...if he doesn't show then they can act. I'm really nervous now as he's obviously had some kind of breakdown if he's been trashing the place he lives...given his mental state and history I am seriously freaked out by this.

LoveBeingAMummy Wed 22-Oct-08 20:20:03

Its not really that surprising given what you have told us about him is it....but remember he does not know where you are. It must be very scary not knowing where he is but he has no idea where you are. You ahve an injunction don't you? Just make sure you and the kids ahve plenty of credit on there phones and to call the police first then you.


LoveBeingAMummy Wed 22-Oct-08 21:09:59

Oh and also, just cause he ran off from the place he was staying doesn't mean he's looking for you, he might still turn up at the court remember this is just to set the next date at the crown court - there is no reason for him not to turn up.

policywonk Thu 23-Oct-08 14:13:13

WHY didn't they put the bastard on remand. angry

Hope you're OK.

sleepingwiththeenemy Fri 24-Oct-08 09:52:52

I spoke to the DC who has been dealing with it up here yesterday. He said that it should be reiterated to the police down there that he has a history of suicide, and still does have suicidal tendencies, and that if he's missing they need to find him. He said this not because i care whether he lives or dies but because I want my day in court, I want the world to know what he did and I want him to suffer the shame and humiliation (or a fraction of it) that me and the DC felt. In other words suicide would be too good for him, as he'd be 'getting away' with being answerable for his crimes.
I need to speak to the solicitor again, to get the facts straight as I was in a panic when she called me the other day - then I need to get back to the police.

sleepingwiththeenemy Fri 24-Oct-08 09:53:58

Policywonk...I'm fine thanks smile largely due to my lovely Dr upping my dosage of antidepressants!

DoubleToilandTroubleBluff Sun 26-Oct-08 08:31:37

Sleeping I have just come back to this thread ... I cannot believe how far you have come since you first posted.

All I can say is WEll Done, you are so strong. You should be really proud of yourself adn yor children.

Good Luck with the Court Case. I hope he turns up.

twoluvlykids Sun 26-Oct-08 09:35:08

sleepingwiththeenemy - I have just read all this thread, having never seen it before.

My God, you are strong. What hell you have had to endure.

I feel so so sad for you, but you are an amazing woman and a fantastic mother.

Stay strong. I wish I knew you in rl, I'd give you the hugs you deserve.

Keep posting. Stay strong.

SpandexIsMyEnemy Sun 26-Oct-08 17:24:40

echos of policy - why the hell they didn't lock him up - anyhow.

he doesn't know where you are, but agree keep credit on your phone and an air of caution around you - make sure you and the kids have a 'safe' word if you can - might be worth mentioning it to the schools as well??
lets hope and prey he doesn't come near you then come nov he's held on remand.

You will have your day.

titchy Tue 16-Dec-08 09:01:31

Any update sleeping?

sleepingwiththeenemy Thu 18-Dec-08 09:47:33


Believe it or not there is nothing to report as yet. The plea and directions hearing was due last Friday, but was adjourned so it is scheduled for tomorrow morning. It's just dragging on and on...if the hearing goes ahead tomorrow and he pleads not guilty I should be given a date for the trial so at least I'll know where I stand. If he pleads guilty then that's pretty much that, it'll be adjourned for sentencing and presumably he'll be locked up. If I find anything out tomorrow I'll let you know.

In the meantime, me and the DC are pretty much ready for Xmas grin. I've managed, by very careful budgeting, to buy them their pressies, stuff they asked for and some stuff they didn't. I've got my turkey etc, tree's up...I'm really proud of myself! And I've not gone into debt at all for it. It's amazing what you can do when you set your mind to it! lol

DoubleBluff Tue 23-Dec-08 22:11:41

Have a lovley Chrisstmas,
Goo dluck to you and your family in the new year.

holidaywonk Tue 23-Dec-08 22:13:19

Yes, have a good Christmas. What amazing things you've achieved this year.

LoveBeingAMummy Fri 06-Mar-09 06:12:49

Was just thinking about you and hoping you were hahving a good new Year!!


Notquitegrownup Wed 18-Mar-09 13:57:18

LBAM - new thread here Sleeping's update

sleepingwiththeenemy Mon 11-Mar-13 17:31:43 we go again. I've resurrected this thread so that memories can be refreshed on the situation.

For those that remember me...he has tracked us down. I can't believe it, 4+ years of being free of him and then last week I received a letter out of the blue from a solicitor telling me he wants to re establish contact with DD2...the same DD who he abused in the most vile way. I went to pieces, totally. I was hysterical, and am now living in fear that he will turn up, as the solicitor is bound to have given him my address. I have no idea how he found us, we changed our name, none of the schools are allowed to use the children's names/photos in papers/newsletters/school websites. I am on the electoral register anonymously. It completely freaks me out that he could be outside my house, watching me, watching the DC.

My beautiful DP that I have now has moved in with us as I am so scared, he has installed a panic alarm at the front door, put up alarms on doors and windows, the school has been told that DD2 cannot leave the school steps without either myself, or my older DCs or my partner are there (Older DC are now 16 and 18).

I went straight to the police, who have really got behind us...they came out and did a risk assessment and we have been flagged as 'high risk', we have a trigger word to use if we call 999 which will immediately set a rapid response. Social services are now involved again to make sure DC are protected and safe, the local domestic violence centre just called and I have to go and see them on Friday. They are also investigating him, to make sure that he is not around any other children as he is not deemed safe.

I am sick with fear. I don't like leaving the house alone. I keep curtains closed and doors chained and locked at all times. I carry a personal attack alarm everywhere I go.

The strange thing is that I have a certainty that this is not going to end well for me. I feel almost like I have been given a diagnosis of a terminal illness, that it is certain that it will kill me, but no one knows when or where. He told me years ago that he would find me, whether it took days months or years, and that when he did I would never see DD2 again, he would take her, or that he would make sure no one ever saw me again. As I am what is standing between him and DD2 I fully expect him to get me out of the way. Everyone told me that he would have forgotten all about us by now, but I knew that would not be the case, and the fact that he has taken 4/5 years to track us down just proves that I was right. And all the time he will have been stewing and raging about 'what I did to him'.

My first instinct was to run again, but it seems I can't hide from him, that he can find me wherever we go.

I'm completely devastated.

sleepingwiththeenemy Mon 11-Mar-13 17:49:32

I forgot to add that we moved yet again...we are now 100+ miles away from where we were when the trial was taking place, and still he found us.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Mon 11-Mar-13 17:53:25

Can the police help you to relocate and change your names again?

I am really really sorry that he has found you. How the hell has he managed that? Is there anyone you kept in touch with that could have betrayed you?

I would seriously be thinking about leaving the country.

There will be many who would strongly disagree with that, but it's certainly what I would do if at all possible.

God. I am SO sorry he hasn't dropped off the face of the earth. How the hell did he find you? Bloody hell. I am not surprised you are terrified.

LadyPeterWimsey Mon 11-Mar-13 18:02:03

This thread has stuck with me all these years; I was so pleased to hear how much better things were for you, and am gutted that he has found you again. I have no help to offer but just wanted to say how sorry I am for you at this terrifying time.

MrsTomHardy Mon 11-Mar-13 18:06:52

I have just found this thread....and I'm wonder you are scared. Why the hell is he allowed to contact you?
Sorry if I missed that bit, didn't read every single post...

Keep strong.

LadyPeter - same here. As soon as the thread title popped up I remembered it. I have so often wondered how sleeping was doing. And her DCs.

I can't believe he has managed to track them down. Sleeping - it couldn't be through your mother could it?

colditz Mon 11-Mar-13 18:20:00

Ugh. What about witness protection? Could the police help you to vanish?

ratbagcatbag Mon 11-Mar-13 18:33:37

Just read all your threads, how gutting for you, but you know what, you beat the bastard once, you are an amazing and strong woman and you can beat the bastard again. I'm assuming your old two dc know most of the story so can help protect dd2.

FrankSpenser Mon 11-Mar-13 18:52:23

Stay strong OP. Keep us updated, we're all rooting for you and thinking of you and your family.

Bogeyface Mon 11-Mar-13 22:01:05

Did you get the letter directly from his solicitor or via yours?

rhondajean Mon 11-Mar-13 22:56:15

What an amazing story and amazing woman you are.

sarahbean123 Tue 12-Mar-13 00:17:45

You are absolutely amazing. I'm so sorry he's found you again, I really, really am. You will get through this, because you are strong and he will not beat you now after everything you've been through.

FannyFifer Tue 12-Mar-13 00:21:58

Oh fucking hell I remember your story, the utter fucking bastard, I'm so sorry.

StuntGirl Tue 12-Mar-13 00:28:46

Oh sleeping I can't believe he's found you sad Do you know how he managed to track you down? Will the solicitor really have given him your address, surely after everything that happened the bastard was banned from coming anywhere near you or your kids?

What happened with the trial in the end, was he sentenced to jail and he's now out or did he get away with it?

One of the things that struck me as I read your thread was how strong and capable you were, and how much unquestioning support you received from the authorities. I hope you can take some strength from that, that you are still the strong woman who protected her family all those years ago and you still have the support of the authorities to keep this scum away from you. thanks

NoTimeForS Tue 12-Mar-13 01:22:51

1. You are stronger than him. You've done so much and done so well. You'll get through this. You know you can get through the darkest times and be happy again. I am so sorry it's happening though.

2. Can you possibly leave the country? You so shouldn't have to make such a huge change for your family. sad But your ex does not sound safe. I don't know what else you could consider. Maybe a private prosecution could be an idea again? Would anybody do the work for free? Or is that ridiculous to ask?

Oh sleeping, you brave, brave lady.

After all you and your children have been through, I can't believe you are facing this again.

So, so angry with the system that has failed you and your dc's.

If he is on dd2's birth certificate then it is possible that he could have got your name change that way as he would have automatic parental responsibility as she is born after 2001.

You must speak to Women's Aid and Women's Rights again and get as much support as you can from them, the Police and SS. Get legal support asap.

Big unmumsnetty hugs.

sleepingwiththeenemy Tue 12-Mar-13 09:41:41

Hi everyone

Well, this is why I came back on to mn - the support I received the last time was invaluable. I don't really have anyone to talk to in RL about this, I try not to burden the DC too much and DP is brilliant but I don't want our whole relationship to become consumed by this IYSWIM?

Stuntgirl I did have another thread about the trial but I can't remember how to do links; in a nutshell the lead up to the trial dragged on, being delayed and postponed, all delaying tactics by the defence team I suspect in the hope that I would withdraw the allegations. Eventually it went ahead, I was holed up in a hotel close to the court, scared to go out as I knew he was around the corner. It opened on the Monday, I was to be called on the Tuesday morning. I then received a call to say all hell had broken loose in court, that the defence had 'come up with something' and I would be called on the Wed, Wed morning I got a call to say that the trial had been stopped and that I had to wait for the CPS to decide whether to proceed. After numerous phone calls I was eventually told that the defence tried to say that I had been coerced into making a statement by email by the police - they looked at all my emails and concluded that (of course) everything was above board but by this time the other main witness had gone to pieces (as was their intention) and her dr said she was in no fit state to testify. The CPS said that they were not prepared to resume the trial with just my word against his so they dropped it, just like that. I was beside myself, and pleaded with them to allow me to take the stand, but they said no. So that was it. Over.

We moved again to a totally different part of the country and that's where we've been since, living in relative peace, although I have never stopped looking over my shoulder.

Bogeyface The letter came from his solicitor. I don't have one here as I have not needed one.

Notime I have considered moving abroad, believe me. But He'll find us again. He is very obsessive and will not let go. Plus it is such a crucial time for the older DC. My son is doing GCSEs atm, and DD1 is doing A Levels. She lost her way for quite a while, and is settled again now. I have a wonderful DP who couldn't leave with us as he has his own DC and several businesses here. And I am so tired of running.

The thing is, I knew this was coming. Just lately I have been dreaming, almost every night, that he had turned up and taken DD2. I would wake up in a sweat, and then lie awake for the rest of the night. I am wondering whether I have seen him up here, just a fleeting sight of him, but not enough to register with my consciousness IYSWIM? After 4 years to suddenly be having nightmares night after night is a huge coincidence. And that freaks me out, that he is/has been here, watching and waiting.

I have a meeting with an agency that works closely with the police here on Friday. They are specialists in domestic violence cases, all aspects of it...court, legal, counselling...God it all snowballs and it really does take it out of you. I will work with as many people as I am able to protect the DC, I have no qualms about social services being involved as their aim is the same as mine, to protect the children.

sleepingwiththeenemy Tue 12-Mar-13 09:45:19

Cider no, my mother would have told me if he'd been in touch, or if anyone had been sniffing around.

MrsTomHardy the trial was dropped so he is free to do as he pleases.

Coconutty Tue 12-Mar-13 09:51:08

Oh love, I remember this when you were going through it then.

Can't believe he has found you - can you call the people you have a meeting with on Friday and see if you can bring it forward? At least you will get some actual advice and help. Have you spoken to your SW?

Link to sleeping's other thread.

AllThatGlistens Tue 12-Mar-13 10:32:30

Oh my love sad have just read through your threads and was horrified but so in awe of your strength and dignity.

You will get through this. You have a wealth of evidence and the police seem to have acted very quickly, I really hope you and your family can soon be safe and at peace away from this horrendous man.

Wishing you all the very best.

IAmNotAMindReader Tue 12-Mar-13 10:38:28

Wishing you the strength you need to get through this. Hope you find all the practical support you need. Stay strong, stay safe.

Zara1984 Tue 12-Mar-13 10:41:34

Sleeping you are so so brave. I am so pleased you have such a wonderful DP to look out for you and the DC. I am so sorry that this total scumbag is trying to find you again.

I am sure others will come on with good suggestions. Can you inform DC schools etc to be on the lookout or will SS help with that?

Fantastic you have a panic button installed. I hope your meeting on Friday provides you with some constructive help.

THinking of you and sending you good wishes. I am not an expert but, given this man has made major threats against you and harmed you and DC in the past, is it not possible to get a non-mol order that will keep him away to the extent that any sign of him will lead to his immediate arrest?

StuntGirl Tue 12-Mar-13 10:50:34

Oh sleeping that sounds absolutely awful.

Do you have a solicitor now? Is your daughter old enough to refuse the requests herself? What a vile, disgusting man. With the accusations against him is there any chance SS can still stop him seeing your daughter?

wispa31 Tue 12-Mar-13 10:55:19

i read all this thread and the link to trial update last night and couldnt not post something. jesus christ you have been through hell and back and you my lady, are one fucking amazing woman!!
i was in shock when i read about how the court dropped everything. utterly gutted for you! you should be proud of yourself and how you have built your and your dc lives from literally nothing. i felt a flush of pride reading about you getting your little council house and doing all of the decorating by yourself!
roll on to 2013 and the bastard has found you. its like something out of a hollywood movie!
i dont know how well you know your neighbours but do you think maybe it might be an idea to get them together and tell them whats happened (dont need to tell them everything of course) but enough for them to know you are in genuine fear for your life? and ask for them to be super super vigilant for anyone who looks suspicious/hanging about/asking questions.

NicknameTaken Tue 12-Mar-13 11:00:34

I really don't know what to say - it is such a nightmare come true. It's great that the police are on high alert. You've done all the right things all the way along.

The only thing I can say is that this won't be forever. A man like this won't be interested in a stroppy teenager. You just have to hold on for another few years.

Wishing you strength and courage.

sleepingwiththeenemy Tue 12-Mar-13 11:06:50

I really don't feel brave at all, I am falling apart inside.

I am waiting until I get another letter to get a solicitor; the letter from his solicitor said that I should wait to receive a letter from the mediation service...haha, mediation??? It's one of the biggest no no's when it comes to domestic abuse. Put a victim/survivor in the same room as the perpetrator??? This leads me to think that his solicitor knows nothing of his past, he's gone to them with a tale of woe that I have disappeared with his daughter. He did it before, he reported me to the police for abducting DD2...I was in a f***ing refuge!!! The police turned up at my mother's house to search it looking for my daughter!

It has been suggested that he has no intention of going for mediation, and that he only used that as a means of getting the solicitor to track me down, and that now he has the address he will come and find me himself. I have been told that the solicitor will have passed on my address to him.

SS have got involved, and they have intimated that they will oppose any attempts at contact. Furthermore he is a risk to other children and they will be looking at that too.

Solid I had a non mol order before, but the courts refused to attach a power of arrest to it?!?!

Stitch thanks for the link.

Stuntgirl DD2 is now 8; very mature and adamant that she doesn't ever want to see him again, but I think she's too young for the courts to listen.

NicknameTaken Tue 12-Mar-13 12:03:42

Dear God. Can you fill his solicitor in on the background? Although it's too late with regard to the address.

I really can't believe the courts would order direct contact in the circumstances. I don't think he's going to get anywhere using legal processes (or mediation). Re the non mol order, a new judge might be willing to attach a power of arrest.

sleepingwiththeenemy Tue 12-Mar-13 12:22:48

The police here have jumped on this so quickly, and involved so many other agencies I am feeling reassured that he will not be granted access. For God's sake, nobody uproots their DC, makes themselves effectively homeless, leaves everything they possess behind and keeps running if they don't have 100% conviction that they are at serious risk of harm. I lost my home, my business, my friends and my possessions....I sold my jewellery, my beloved camera, my tv everything to make sure I had the money to buy crappy furniture so the kids had something to sit on in the new house, and so that I could provide some semblance of a Christmas for them. Surely to God, they wouldn't risk allowing him access.

My bigger concern is what he will do outside of the legal route. I have even asked my partner to promise me that if anything happens to me he will make sure that Ex does not get his hands on DD2. I will write a will to this effect when I see a solicitor.

The man is totally unstable and dangerous. He has huge mental health issues, has personality disorders, is frequently suicidal, and fully believes it is a fathers right to take a child's life and then his own if the mother refuses him access.

I just want to sleep all the time. My son is off school with flu at the moment and DP has got a decorator in to paint my bathroom for me, so I have people to keep me awake atm, but if I was alone I would be curled up asleep.

PopeBenedictsP45 Tue 12-Mar-13 13:01:25

I remember you, OP. I am gobsmacked at the latest turn of events - can't begin to imagine the shock and distress you must be feeling.

Not much to add but sending you love and strength. You're smarter and stronger than him and you WILL beat him.

StuntGirl Tue 12-Mar-13 13:16:57

I hope the police can keep him away from you sleeping. Actually I kinda hope he gets hit by a bus. The world would be better off it seems.

Oh god, this is too awful sleeping, after all you've been through. I've just read through both these threads. So sorry to hear he has found you, god knows how that can have happened. He sounds very dangerous and really needs locking up.

So sorry I haven't any words of wisdom for you, just wanted to show my support.

The system absolutely sucks if he can get your address that easily from a solicitor. It's just shocking to me that the solicitor would give that address that easily. Surely to God that is wrong on so many levels? Our school can't give me a list of email addresses for parents in my son's year because of the data protection act and yet a solicitor can find you and just give this guy your address, no questions asked?

Would the police contact the solicitors and tell them the background? As you say mediation is not an option so I wouldn't wait till I got a letter about mediation. I would be contacting a solicitor ASAP.

NicknameTaken Tue 12-Mar-13 14:39:16

He's not as clever and all-powerful as he thinks he is, though, is he? He wasn't unable to sneak up on you unawares. You've got allies, you've got resources, you've got lots of people on your side. He doesn't have super-powers. You can get through this.

OrWellyAnn Tue 12-Mar-13 14:47:59

Sleeping, I remember your journey and have often wondered how it all worked out for you. I'm so sorry you are going thought this all again. I know you will stay string for your kids, just as you did before, you are a phenomenal woman. I am glad you now have a DP to support YOU in all this. I hope your ex gets squashed by a bus. X

LoopDeLoops Tue 12-Mar-13 14:48:40

Crikey. I've just read the whole thread and you other. I'm so gutted that the trial fell apart, and even more so now with this update.

Wishing you the very best. Please try not to sound so defeatist. We won't win. smile

OrWellyAnn Tue 12-Mar-13 14:48:46

Thought? String?? I can spell...honestly I can!

Sleeping - I've read through this thread and the other one and I can't believe that he has found you - and to do it so easily.

I have to post to say that I think you are a terrific woman and so brave. You have gotten through this once and do you know what - I'm sure you will be strong enough to do it again.

I want to wish you the very best of luck in this, you deserve nothing else but the best.

Have spent today reading through your threads. I can not believe he has found you, but am gladdened to hear the police/agencies have moved quickly once you notified them.
I am in awe of you sleeping, I truly am.
He will not win.
You will get through this - all the wonderful advice and support you have had (and still have) from MN will strengthen you even more.
I don't have anything else to add that others have not said. You and your children deserve the best of everything and I have no doubt you will get this....I am wishing you well. Best wishes and stay strong.

Yes, you have the police, SS and other professional agencies on your side. And you are living miles away from your former home which means that any court action will involve a new judge, which may well lead to moves being made against this man. He might have conned one solicitor with a tale of woe (Again, I am not an expert but it seems to me that the solicitor may have acted very irresponsibly in giving out your address without making sure that there was no risk atttached to doing so and you might even be able to make a complaint).

sleepingwiththeenemy Tue 12-Mar-13 17:07:01

I did reply before but it disappeared.

the police have mentioned their concerns over how he found us, and whether it was him or the solicitor, and if it was the solicitor have any laws been broken etc.

In all the mess I have run out of anti depressants and withdrawal is kicking in...dr won't write another prescription til tomorrow and I'm feeling lousy. I don't know if any of you have experienced this, but it brings on vertigo, nausea, feels like the ground is rising up towards my eyes and the room is spinning. Just adds to my general feeling of shittiness.

sleepingwiththeenemy Tue 12-Mar-13 17:50:52

Also, legal aid stops this month doesn't it? So I am a bit stuffed as I cannot afford legal fees. God, it's all such a mess! Maybe that's why he is doing this now, because he knows this?

sleepingwiththeenemy Tue 12-Mar-13 17:58:58

Bleeugghh...those last 2 posts sound very self pitying don't they? Sorry, don't mean to be. I'm just feeling a bit worn down atm.

I think you can still get legal aid in order to get an injunction to protect you from harm. The legal aid eligibility calculator used by legal professionals is here and suggests you may have to pay a contribution, but get some legal aid. Worth speaking to Community Legal Advice to see what they say.

Unfortunately it is very possible that this man has begun to act against you again because of the changes to legal aid: I had the impression from your previous threads that, while he is a hideous, disgusting and thoroughly unstable individual, he is also quite clever enough to notice that legal aid is being withdrawn for a lot of things and decide that now is a good time to make a move. However, that still doesn't mean he will win. He has not been found innocent of harming you and your DC, and there should be enough on record to make it possible to get restraining orders against him - as I said, a different judge in a different area will hopefully be one who understands the dangers of abusive men like him and not one of the old-style woman-hating incompetents.

PirateHat Tue 12-Mar-13 19:07:31

Legal aid is supposed to be still available in domestic abuse cases.

Domjolly Tue 12-Mar-13 19:27:35

Hi i am really sorry to be a the bringer of bad news but even with chikdren who are in care were there parents are proven * to have abused there children they still get contact* most likey they will simply say supervised

I have been a foster carer for 8 years even parents who are deemed to be so dangrous there babies are whipped away at birth STILL GET CONTact SS as well as COURTS are of the view that contact is best for a child so it will be for you to prove why he shouldnt have it not him to prove he should

The standred view is my many professionals and CAFCAS that contact should almost always happen

Domjolly Tue 12-Mar-13 19:28:42

SolidGoldBrass good point but he wil have to go and see a mediator before he gets leave to apply for cour

LemonBreeland Tue 12-Mar-13 21:30:38

sleeping I have just read your whole thread and can't believe what you have been through. I can't even begin to imagine the stress of having him turn up in your lives again. It sounds like the police are good and on the ball where you are now.

I hope that you can get this quickly resolved and the worry will go away soon. I don't have anything useful to add I'm afraid.

I was also pleased to hear that your elder DD has settled down in the past few years.

Hassled Tue 12-Mar-13 21:40:06

Blimey - I was thinking of you just last week, wondering how things were and then I thought "well, no news is good news". I'm so gutted this has happened - I'd had visions of you living in happy peace and quiet.
But hang on to the fact it sounds like the police/SS etc are being very proactive. Will be thinking of you.

DomJolly, it does sound as though this man can't hold it together for long enough to go through mediation (he's behaved irrationally etc in the past, smashed his house, disappeared, refused treatment), and with a bit of luck he will actually just kill himself before he tracks the OP down.

LoopDeLoops Tue 12-Mar-13 23:17:04

OMG He won't win, not we. blush

sleepingwiththeenemy Wed 13-Mar-13 13:47:44


Well, as suspected the mediation service have said no...mediation will not be offered so I have a letter from his solicitor asking me to confirm if I will allow direct contact or not. Over my dead body. What I feel like doing is writing back personally and asking would THEY hand over their child to a rapist and paedophile? I won't obviously, although I thought it strange that the letter said they look forward to hearing from either myself personally or my solicitor. I have a meeting with the domestic abuse specialist team on Friday, and they advise on legal matters etc so will ask them what to do next.

I had a total meltdown last night, I think perhaps it was a panic attack of some kind. DP is up to his eyes in business matters, and although I can talk to him about what's going on I think he has so much going on that I am just adding to that. And he tells me not to worry, that it will all be ok but he can't promise that can he? SO I keep a lot of it in. Last night I think it all just overspilled. I am terrified of what is happening and what will happen, I am in constant pain from a long standing back problem, I have 2 kids with flu at home, the house is totally upside down as DP is having it decorated so it's in a mess...and to top it all I have not had an anti depressant since Friday (prescription ready today). I feel like I am looking after everyone and no one is there to look after me, even though DP and the DC are doing their best. I felt like the walls were closing in, I panicked, I ranted...if I had had petrol in the car I'd have just driven and not stopped. In the end I took a sleeping tablet and knocked myself out til this morning.

It's my understanding that (up to the point of breaking the law) a solicitor is obliged to do what his/her client instructs even when it's obvious the client is in the wrong and full of shit. So the fact that you are recieving letters from this solicitor doesn't mean they have any power and you do not have to obey them. I expect that the specialist team will advise or arrange a letter to be sent to XH solicitor along the lines of 'No, we will not be complying or co-operating because of your client's past behaviour, and we are getting a restraining order, so stick that up your arse and sod off' - well, probably in rather more formal terms than that.

I know it's really horrible but remember: he doesn't have superpowers, he's not above the law, and you have a lot of people on your side and working on your behalf.

Lueji Wed 13-Mar-13 15:30:01

Check carefully about legal aid.
My understanding is that it won't be available for divorces, but it might be for DV and possibly where children are concerned.

"Funding of any case where the failure to do so would result in a breach of human rights law and certain criteria are met"

sleepingwiththeenemy Wed 13-Mar-13 15:32:27

Hi Solid, yes in my rational mind I know that, but unfortunately my fear sometimes overtakes my sanity. I am never far from tears at the moment, in any given situation. It's horrible. Despite the fact that I am surrounded by supportive people I feel so lonely, does that make sense? DD1 probably understands more than anyone as she's 18 and has been there with me all along and was old enough to know what was going on at the time. But she has a new bf and she is rarely here. It's good for her in a way because she is away from this and having fun, but I miss her, she's been by my side through it all.

As for the superpowers...he is a narcissist and believes he is above the law. he never showed for his injunction hearing back then, he refused service of his divorce papers, he wouldn't return calls from social services...and when someone has nothing to lose they are at their most dangerous, which I believe to be the case with him. He's incapable of love or being loved, his children from his first marriage wanted little to do with him and are adults now anyway, he has been named in the paper as a rapist, he has set up 3 separate companies that I know of, and not one of them has ever traded according to companies house.

I was just doing a google search of how someone can trace their children if they disappear with the mother (or father). Apparently it's easy...for £50 you can get a 'trace' company who will usually get a result within the same day. They can access debt companies, utilities, even benefits offices if you are claiming. Is there no escape???

PopeBenedictsP45 Wed 13-Mar-13 15:41:16

"for £50 you can get a 'trace' company who will usually get a result within the same day. They can access debt companies, utilities, even benefits offices if you are claiming."

I had no idea that was legal. What happens to people in the witness protection programme, surely they must be under the radar?

Have you picked up your prescription yet, sleeping?

Sleeping: it's not remotely surprising that you feel this way, you have had some shitty luck WRT court action in the past. By rights this fucker should still be sharing his cell with Big Boabby and getting a broom handle up his arse every Friday night. Sooner or later (and the sooner the better) this man's luck will run out. He will either commit a crime that gets him arrested and locked up - it depresses me to think that it will probably only happen when he attacks another man in front of witnesses - or he will destroy himself by means of reckless driving/drugs/alcohol.

As to the tracing companies, I suggest asking the DV people about that: it's possible that these companies cannot in fact find people who have namechanged or gone into refuges, or it may be illegal for them to supply the information - otherwise no refuge would be safe any more. A company on the internet can advertise how wonderful they are at finding people, but that doesn't guarantee they can do what they say.

I am not trying to belittle or minimize your fears, just trying to offer reassurance and my very best wishes that this man is dealt with before he bothers you again.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill Wed 13-Mar-13 15:42:36

Really sorry to hear what is going on. In terms of searching for people I thought there were rules about what information could be released. When we were looking for a family member who had disappeared (to tell them they had an inheritance) the solicitor did find them but because it wasn't publicly accessible info they couldn't inform us of their address. They could pass information on but that was it. It sounds like it is worth the police asking the other solicitor how they found out your address and whether the bastard has been given that information.

CinnabarRed Wed 13-Mar-13 15:46:36

Do you need me to look anything up on Companies House? I have free access through work. I could, for example, search all companies that are either owned by him or that he is a director of, and get their registered addresses - that might give you a clue as to where he is. Obviously you would need to PM me his name for that to be of any use, and I'll completely understand if you don't want to.

sleeping, so sorry. this is horrific. i've followed your threads over the years and have thought of you often.

sgb speaks total sense. he is not invincible, he is not outside the law. eventually it will all catch up with him. no matter what he thinks.

i'm glad you're not on your own and you are taking precautions.

please do as others have suggested and fire old useless pathetic solicitor. follow up with the wa's solicitor. they will be much more clued up on this stuff.

take care of yourself.

mungotracy Wed 13-Mar-13 16:45:47

"the NSPCC have told me that there is unlikely to be a conviction because of DDs age" If you want honesty there's unlikely to be a conviction because you have no evidence not because of her 'age'.

He may well be upset as you've made a serious allegation.

Im not sure of your personal situation but "has no idea we've left or where we are." makes me worry, did you have permission to take his children? Do you have full custody and the right to not inform him? If not then it could get problematic especially if he has reported that you vanished with his child. If you are in the middle of proceedings expect this accussation to be thrown back at you later as evidence of you attempting to discredit him.... im not saying you were simply that this is what the opposition will say.

If that's not the case then it should all be fine as the authorities will not reveal your location at all as other posters have said.

auntpetunia Wed 13-Mar-13 17:54:54

Mungo think you need to read more than the OP which was written in 2008! Lots has gone on since then.

ratbagcatbag Wed 13-Mar-13 18:18:49

Mungo you really need to read the whole thing before commenting.

Coconutty Wed 13-Mar-13 18:27:05

Catch up Mungo

Roseformeplease Wed 13-Mar-13 21:05:23

FFS Mungo, read the thread.....she is vulnerable, distressed, hurting, not in need of a lecture.

titchy Wed 13-Mar-13 21:24:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mungo, reading the whole thread will make it clear to you that the OP moved on with support and permission from various authorities including the police and SS who all consider this man to be a serious risk to the children and to her. He has forfeited any right to contact.

sleepingwiththeenemy Thu 14-Mar-13 10:40:35

Thankyou, I must admit that reading mungo's post made me want to not post again.

NicknameTaken Thu 14-Mar-13 10:48:54

Please don't be scared off by that post, sleeping - it's clear it was someone who hadn't taken in the full circumstances.

How are you feeling today?

sleepingwiththeenemy Thu 14-Mar-13 11:24:34

Nickname I'm ok thanks, I feel a bit calmer today. I'm having an easy day, just trying to relax and be kind to myself...tomorrow will be tough I know as I have the meeting with the DV team so will probably be feeling fragile tomorrow, but for now I am ok, gathering strength if you will.

Mungo I feel I have to reiterate...when I first left it was on my solicitor's advice, to put some distance between us and exH...that was supposed to be temporary. Then the police advised me against going back to the area at all and that it was safer to stay where I own solicitor (a new one) sent all correspondence from an alternative office in a different town...*social services AND the NSPCC* were also involved. My children would have been put on the At Risk register had I still have been in contact with him...tell me mungo, do you still think I did the wrong thing?

tightfortime Thu 14-Mar-13 11:32:23

sleepingwiththeenemy I'm a new netter but spent hours reading both your posts yesterday, unable to tear my eyes away, mouth open at the runaway train life was for you those few years back.

I'm in awe of you and how you coped with it all. You did everything right and it took balls lady.

I'm disgusted that this has all reared up again, just wanted to add my support to the rest of the fantastic advice you've got on here.

NicknameTaken Thu 14-Mar-13 11:33:29

Good idea to gather your strength. You're in this for the long haul, so you need to be looking after your health. Stock up on the vitamin tablets etc. Your ex is scary, but you are a mother looking after the welfare of her child, and nobody gets tougher or more determined than that.

Hope the meeting with the DV team goes well.

sleepingwiththeenemy Thu 14-Mar-13 11:47:36

Thanks all, but I am going to have go offline for a has become apparent that my emails have been hacked, and therefore probably the rest of my computer. No prizes for guessing who by. I will try and update you as and when I can, in the meantime thanks for the support and please...keep me and Dc in your thought.


NicknameTaken Thu 14-Mar-13 11:48:59

Oh crap. Thinking of you and your dcs and wishing you all the best.

LemonBreeland Thu 14-Mar-13 11:58:31

Oh no how awful. I will certainly be thinking of you and your DC and wish you well.

StuntGirl Thu 14-Mar-13 12:03:04

I will be thinking of you tomorrow sleeping thanks

Locketjuice Thu 14-Mar-13 12:04:35

Can't read all the posts as there are so many but how awful what I have read, no advice but thinking of you!

auntpetunia Thu 14-Mar-13 12:08:20


Wishing the OP the best, and also sending this message to the hacker, if it turns out to be him:

You will not win. Your own inner darkness will destroy you; the black hole deep inside you will sooner or later cause you to implode. This is inevitable.

Oh no. Sleeping I am so sorry. Sending you strength and more strength.

scarletforya Fri 15-Mar-13 14:53:59

SWTE, I have just read your whole thread with my heart in my mouth. You are a brilliant woman and you've walked such a difficult path to keep your DC safe.

The thing that worries and niggles me as I read it though is your Mother. Could she be the weak link in the chain giving him information about your whereabouts....?

As you said she doesn't have the normal protective attitude a Mother should have twords her child (you) so maybe it's not beyond the realms of possibility that she has leaked information to him. You say she didn't take either the rapes or the sexual abuse of your dd seriously....sad

Does she know where you live?

Sunnywithshowers Fri 15-Mar-13 16:47:31

Hello lovely big hugs from me xxx

sleepingwiththeenemy Sun 17-Mar-13 15:16:55

Hello all

Well it seems I was spooked by nothing more than a virus, so not hacked as such, well at least not by anyone sinister. God my nerves are shredded!

Lots has happened here - I had a meeting with the domestic violence worker and a DV officer requested to be allowed to sit in on the meeting. It was very emotional, I cried, told them my fears and it was so lovely to be taken seriously and not to be made to feel paranoid.

The upshot of it all is that HE doesn't yet know my address, his solicitor does but they have not passed it on to him. The DV officer called them and told them they are not to disclose it but he was told that they are legally obliged to if requested. He put it in writing that we are at high risk of harm if it is ever made known to HIM and it will go on the file but I don't feel that it will be withheld indefinitely.

SO...the same DV officer came to my house yesterday and they have issued me with a handset which connects immediately to 999, I have to keep it on and charged all the time. They are also talking about putting in a 'safe room', one that once locked can't be opened and the police, fire dept and ambulance all hold a key. They have to speak to my landlord about it.

I have also been found a solicitor and am going to see her tomorrow and after that I have the police and fire dept coming to the house...the police are going to check on the safety of the house, and see if they can do anything to make it safer (alarms etc), and the fire dept will check smoke alarms and will probably also seal my letterbox as they are worried about the risk of him torching the house.

It's all very surreal. It's very reassuring that so many people are protecting us but at the same time it's worrying as they obviously perceive there to be a very real threat.

It makes me wonder if they know more about him than I do...

Oh, and it seems we were found by a private investigator. Gives me the creeps.



well firstly i'm really glad that you have the police backup now. but bloody worrying about the pi.

you are so on top of things. i remember your threads from when you were still living with this arsehole. you've come such an unbelievably long way and have such strength.

hang in there.

auntpetunia Sun 17-Mar-13 15:44:51

Wow just wow! How Fab that all those things will be done …but equally how worrying.

It does sound like they know more about him than you do. Not happy with his sols response of will give address if asked, can't you get some sort of injuction to stop them?

Crikey. Glad he hasn't hacked you. And great that you are being taken so seriously by police etc but bloody terrifying at the same time.

Who was the pi hired by? Him or the solicitor? Would agree that it is bloody unbelievable that they say they may give your address if asked!

There must be something you can do legally to stop that surely?

Wow, sleeping! Glad you are being well protected and taken seriously. It's amazing that someone so obviously SO dangerous is being allowed to roam around freely.

sleepingwiththeenemy Sun 17-Mar-13 16:44:51

Thanks all, it helps me so much being able to talk freely to you all on here.
Scarlet it's a huge worry that he is still able to live a free life; I worry that he is with someone who has children (not that I can spare the head space to worry about others) but he screwed my DCs up, and he'll do it to someone else's. My DS, who is now a big strapping handsome lad said to me yesterday 'he really messed my head up Mum''s taken all this time, so many years, for him to feel confident in himself after the emotional and verbal abuse he took from that psycho. HE will be an even angrier man now - I know him well enough to know he will have brooded on all of this for the past few years - so God help any other children in his life, he is indiscrimate...sexual, verbal, physical, emotional...he can't help but abuse those who can't fight back.

Cider I think the pi was hired by the solicitor. I will speak to mine tomorrow and ask how I stand on the disclosure of address issue. I think also a prohibited steps order so he can't turn up and take DD2 from school or anything, and a non molestation order.

Claude if you had seen me last week you wouldn't have thought me strong! I completely went to pieces, possibly a panic attack, I've never had one so I don't really know. But I couldn't breathe, the walls felt like they were closing in on me, I was sweating and was horrible. But now I have come back fighting. The DV worker and the DV officer told me that there is no way DD2 would be made to see HIM if she was adamant she didn't want to, given her age and the past. I found a letter she had written the other day, presumably when all this kicked off again, entitled 'Reasons why I never want to see him again'...she talked about how frightened she was of him, and how he used to hit her and kick her...and she remembers him locking her in the bathroom with him and making him bathe with him (this is where the abuse took place but she didn't mention specifics) and how he punched the puppy in the face, and how (her words) seeing him again would put a big red cross in her life. It's so sad.

tribpot Sun 17-Mar-13 16:56:21

Your dd2 is amazing, sleepingwiththeenemy. Keep holding on; you'll get through this.

In terms of the PI, a friend of mine did this when she needed to contact the father of her dc for non-payment of child support. The solicitor arranged for a PI to find him and ultimately serve papers on him. I guess the solicitor in this case may have been aware of nothing beyond the demand for access that he/she passed on.

I take it there's no way of having PR removed from him.

sleepingwiththeenemy Sun 17-Mar-13 17:07:21

tribpot I'm not sure how much the solicitor knew...but the mediation firm refused to mediate because of the circumstances (as I knew they would). Am I right in guessing that if the solicitor had known at the start she wouldn't have even attempted to get mediation in place as it is well known that it should never be offered when there is a history of abuse? but she knows now but still can't guarantee it will be kept from him. I have no idea about PR removal.


MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Sun 17-Mar-13 18:01:46

Oh my love sad I was hoping some complete numpty had ressurected your thread, not you - unless it was you with a 'good' update. (I was on your old threads under a different name).

I can't believe this utter bastard is back fucking up your new life sad

I really don't know what else to say, except I am sending you lots of love & strength and if I had a g.un I know where I'd be aiming it!

sunshine401 Sun 17-Mar-13 18:05:47

* the NSPCC have told me that there is unlikely to be a conviction because of DDs age*

Really?? NO!! That is the most stupid thing I have heard they should NOT be telling you that at all.

Wishing you all the strength you need, sleeping. For someone with suicidal tendencies, he has lasted a long time too long in this world.

Jux Sun 17-Mar-13 19:41:26

wow Sleeping, what a horrendous situation.

I have read on various threads here that it's not too late for legal aid. Get to a solicitor and get your eligibility sorted. You need to get it done before the end of this month. Not much time, but you can do it.

You should be so so so proud of yourself. You have kept your children safe, despite the vagaries of this benighted country's so-called Justice system. All the relevant agencies are behind you. You have good friends here, and I bet you have better friends in rl than you think you have, too. I applaud you.

Sugarice Sun 17-Mar-13 19:55:01

Wishing much love and peace coming your way soon.

Let's hope this piece of shit dies soon; suicide or a random heart attack will suffice.

Take care, you and your dc's are brave beyond words.

littleducks Sun 17-Mar-13 20:24:31

Oh shit, the bastard.

TheSeniorWrangler Mon 18-Mar-13 20:09:49

how are things today?

sleepingwiththeenemy Tue 19-Mar-13 08:49:40

Hello all

Well, I saw a solicitor yesterday who has applied for legal aid for me...but as it involves domestic violence with hard evidence I will still be entitled to it after 1 April, so even if my application doesn't go through for some reason before the end of this month I will still be able to get it. She is going to reply that I have no intention of allowing contact, and then we will have to wait and see if he takes it to court, which he probably will.

I also had the police come around yesterday - if the landlord agrees there are many security measures they want to put in place, including kick bars on the doors, extra locks, reinforcing doors, and vibration alarms. He is also going to recommend that we have a safe room installed. However, this is a listed building and I have a feeling that the landlord will fight this.
The fire dept also came out, and have put an extra 4 smoke alarms in (I already had 3) and a locking letterbox, I just have to remember to unlock it every morning for the post!

So now it's just a waiting game. When he is told I am refusing contact I am pretty certain his anger will escalate, so I will have to watch my back even more. The police have also equipped me with personal attack alarms - not sure what else anyone can do, apart from us running again (which is still an option).

well, hopefully a quiet uneventful day today

Hope you're all ok


Sugarice Tue 19-Mar-13 09:03:26

The stress you are currently living under must be immense but you've got the authorities working hard for you so that must be of some relief I imagine.

Hope the landlord and council are supportive in applying for a safe room installation.

sleepingwiththeenemy Tue 19-Mar-13 09:18:02

It is a great relief sugarice but it also brings with it another set of problems. Once my solicitor writes to his, for example, he will know at least what town we are living in because all correspondence has to be copied to him and he will see that my solicitor is in x town. I feel sick all the time, because each day could bring something horrible.

But I cannot praise the authorities enough - police, domestic violence centre, social services, fire dept...there really is not much more that anyone can do.

At the moment I am feeling strong and capable but tomorrow that could all crumble away again. I think everyone has a saturation point, and this is only going to become more stressful as time goes by.

Jux Tue 19-Mar-13 09:47:12

So relieved that so many official organisations are looking after you, and providing safety measures.

Bad news is that your LL probably won't be allowed to make a safe room due to the listing, so it won't really be his fault, it depends on the type of listing and how the room affects the fabric of the building as well as the look of it from outside (sounds so petty in the circumstances). The Council would have to agree, and if it's Grade I then they almost certainly won't.

Sounds like you've found a good solicitor? Hurrah that you don't need to worry about Legal Aid, too.

You have every right to feel strong and capable. You have proved yourself to be so, time after time. Hats off to you.

sleepingwiththeenemy Tue 19-Mar-13 10:07:55

Jux I can't see the LL agreeing either tbh. I am also half expecting them to say that if there is inherent danger then they want us to leave! It has happened before apparently in similar circumstances.

I sat down this morning in front of my laptop, and started typing...I was thinking about a certain incident with the ex, one which I have found it very difficult to talk about, and out it all came on to the screen...I just wrote and wrote. My thoughts, my feelings. Although I only started it this morning it has been very therapeutic. I think I will carry on, document the whole thing. If nothing else it allows me to vent, and make some order of what happened.

auntpetunia Tue 19-Mar-13 13:20:32

One way I have known lawyers get around the address thing is either use another of their offices if they cover a large area eg offices in multiple towns,or even use a post office box and only provide work mobile numbers. Is any of this possible with yours?

Jux Tue 19-Mar-13 15:10:30

Know it's awful to have to keep movingnaround, but if the worst comes to the worst, maybe you could find a place near where you are now, where a safe room can be installed, for long term. Less disruptive to stay in the area as all the local agencies will know you and you can keep the same solicitor, schools etc.

Let's hope it doesn't come to it, though.

It just seems so mad to me that when an individual is known to be this dangerous, he can't simply be locked up. There is, after all, evidence of harm this man has done as well as of his malevolent intentions. Actually, given that he was never acquitted of his crimes, I wonder if it might be possible to track down the reluctant witness from last time and reopen the case against him? (am not a lawyer nor a police officer, but it might be worth discussing this with your solicitor/ss/the police as well.)

NicknameTaken Tue 19-Mar-13 15:40:58

Oh well done - great to have so many people taking this seriously and putting in place practical protection measures. It's great to have the reassurance that DD2 won't be forced to see him.

I think writing everything down is a great idea.

Thinking of you.

sleepingwiththeenemy Tue 19-Mar-13 16:49:08

solid I have, believe me. But it seems that once the CPS decide to discontinue a case there is little that can be done to get it re-opened.

sleepingwiththeenemy Tue 19-Mar-13 16:50:35

I just wanted to say thankyou again to all of you for the support you have continually shown me during this. It has been going on for 4 years now, and MN has always been there when no one else has.


BOEUF Tue 19-Mar-13 16:57:27

Love and strength to you, Sleeping. I remember this from the very beginning on MN, and I sometimes wonder how you are doing- I'm so glad you feel able to come back and talk things through.

BOEUF Tue 19-Mar-13 17:02:55

(I was BitOfFun ^^ btw x)

ffswhatnow Tue 19-Mar-13 17:13:39

OMG sleeping, I too remember your original thread sad

Thinking of you all x

I rarely post on these boards, just lurk occasionally. I saw the title of this thread and have just read it from start to finish.

sleeping, you are an inspiration to anyone, fighting abuse or not. Your situation sounds like something most would crumble under. You have been amazing.

I'm disgusted the CPS just dropped the case though.

I so agree with everyone that it just inconceivable that he has gotten away with this and that it seems you have no right. It's horrible.

There is another thread at the moment about a MNer worrying about a similar situation that her SIL is in.

Anyway - wish I had something helpful to add or suggest but just letting you know that I'm thinking of you. Stay safe.

Messandmayhem Tue 19-Mar-13 19:37:49

Wow, you are such a strong woman, I hope everything works out for the best and you and your dc are safe from this monster

sleepingwiththeenemy Wed 20-Mar-13 08:32:53

sigh...I went to fill the headmaster in on what was happening with the whole situation. And he said....

" Would you not sit down, the 2 of you, and have a chat about it all? "


Seriously? He knows the background, and that the police have us at high risk. And he thinks we can chat????????

Sugarice Wed 20-Mar-13 08:43:54

Well he's another twat isn't he! angry

What did you say to him?

fucking patronising wanker..

gosh i've become such a potty mouth.

sleepingwiththeenemy Wed 20-Mar-13 08:57:38

Claude don't worry, my language has been very choice throughout this!

Sugar tbh I was so stunned that I didn't have a comeback. I just looked at him for ages (some would say a Paddington bear stare!) and said ''

Hassled Wed 20-Mar-13 09:00:51

Bloody hell - the headmaster must live in some sort of parallel universe featuring rainbows and unicorns.

Glad the home security is hopefully being sorted - but god, you must be beyond stressed. Thinking of you.

sleepingwiththeenemy Wed 20-Mar-13 09:36:09

Thanks Hassled. It's a very weird feeling, on the surface (and for the sake of the DC) I am calm. I'm a very laid back person anyway, and tend not to get wound up or stressed) so all appears normal. But just under the surface I can feel the anxiety bubbling away, and it worries me that it will just all come boiling over.
Unfortunately for me I am not good at asking for help, and over the years, whenever anything has happened it's always been 'oh well, it's sleeping...she'll cope, she always does'. But actually a lot of the time I'm not really coping, and really need someone to take the slack and help me. So it follows that the same has happened now. My best friend has only text me once since all this started up again to ask how it's going. And my mum is back to making ridiculous comments...when I told her the house was getting extra locks and alarms etc she said 'oh, and are they going to put a sign on the front saying Buckingham Palace?'. Hmm...inappropriate. I'm glad she finds it amusing. But like I said before this is the same woman who, when I told her I had been raped, said 'well I wouldn't mind if he was good looking', and when I had a very traumatic miscarriage needing blood transfusions after haemorrhaging because of his abuse she said 'well I'm delighted you lost it'. The same woman who refused to give a statement to the police about the abuse she had witnessed because 'she can't stand coppers and didn't want them in the house''...what would the neighbours say?'.

It's a very lonely place to be.

Sugarice Wed 20-Mar-13 09:40:36

Your Mother is evil, comments like that and her refusal to give a statement are unforgivable.

NicknameTaken Wed 20-Mar-13 09:43:33

Yikes, sorry you've got so many fuckwits around you. Your mother - well, the woman just has serious empathy or compassion. Or common sense. And the headmaster - would I be so very wrong to fantasize about a situation where your ex turns up at the school, gets into a physical tussle with the HM where they both receive painful injuries to the testicles, and then your ex is carted off to jail because you're not allowed to hurt man-jewels, whatever you do to little girls and it's all over, deep sigh of relief. And....breathe.

NicknameTaken Wed 20-Mar-13 09:44:01

"serious" should have been "zero".

sleepingwiththeenemy Wed 20-Mar-13 09:59:30

sugar my mum is a whole other thread!

And nickname, I just thought you were being ironic with the 'serious' comments, lol. Either works!

NicknameTaken Wed 20-Mar-13 10:27:10

I got muddled up with "zero" and "serious lack of". Glad you got what I meant!