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Relationships

a few more questions, my virtual therapists

25 replies

pinguthepenguin · 28/12/2007 00:10

ok, so loads of you have answered my sometimes bonkers questions and helped heaps in making sense of my recent breakup and recently accquired single-parenthood.

Is it ok to indulge me a bit further?

I seem to be seeking answers to things that aren't productive for my emotional recovery, such as:

  • 'Will it last between those two'?...I hope it doesn't.
  • Does he feel bad for what he's done?....I hope he has a guilt-induced breakdown in years to come.
  • Does OW feel bad for her part in our breakup?....I hope everyone realises what she's really like.

-What does OW think of me?....I hope she doesn't think I'm a loony bin.
  • Will I ever meet anyone again?....I hope I won't subconciously settle for less, now I'm a single mum


TOTAL waste of time and energy...I know/

My latest obsession is the fact that his family, depite sympathising with me to my face, haven't EVER had it out with him about his treatment of me and our child. It's like they're afraid to. This bothers me, because in essence, the only person he's ever had to answer to about his shoddy behaviour is me- and he can live with that tbh. Even his friends have quietly helped him brush it under the carpet...and pitiful as it sounds, I wanted him to have more of a backlash than he's had. He's got away with it, pretty much unscathed.

Anyway- my SIL has been through all this with a previous, and has been a good source of advice, but she approaches things from a completely different perspective. She's one of those people who put a wall of silence/stone in front of her when she's been scorned, and literally shuts that person out, tries never to think of them again. This is how she counsels me to behave with my exp and is how she has managed her own exp, even though they have 2 children together. She can't understand why I care about his new twinky, why I care about all of the above, and why I haven't cut him out, shut him down, put a wall in front of him.
I know she's right, that is what I should do- but I just can't help it.

So here's my question: When (roughly) from experience, do we stop giving a shit? When does it fade? I'd love a time frame, even just a guide. When does it stop literally feeling so crap?

Can you tell I'm a novice at the old heartache melarkey?
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alipiggie · 28/12/2007 00:20

Can't help with the answer as it's one I'd like too. Been two years now since I found out about dh's affair which led to me wondering where I would end up living. One Green Card later and h is now onto yet another woman and is playing happy families with her and our children which is totally confusing them as they can't work ou why Daddy isn't at home.

Everyone tells you it will get easier, but it's so hard, especially when events bring it all back. Finding out about this second woman was like finding out about the original affair all over again.

I will never understand how he could happily walk away from our two beautiful boys.

So I'm a novice too and will join you in waiting for an answer if that's okay.

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pinguthepenguin · 28/12/2007 00:23

perfectly ok, alpiggie

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alipiggie · 28/12/2007 00:24

Would you like a virtual drink

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Wifi · 28/12/2007 00:28

I do know that once, for me, the saying 'I will wake up and be happy for all of the good things in my life' worked if I repeated it a la mantra every bloody day.

I am lucky enough to know it now, it became second nature to me. It does take a while and I don't think anyone can give you a time scale. But it you try to be as positive as possible as much as you can it will rub off on people around you and they will love you for it.

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Wifi · 28/12/2007 00:29

How long has it been and how old are you?

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madamez · 28/12/2007 00:31

SOrry you're both feeling so bad, and the only truth I can give you is that the pain will fade, but that it helps to encourage it to fade. Seek out new interests, things that make you happy, things that are not about your XP. And try to act like you don't care about your XPs new relationships, because the more you behave as though you are happy and engaged with life and getting on ok, the more you will start to feel that way. Try to treat your XP as nothing more than your DC's other parent, be civil but nothing more and not only is that the best thing for your DC but it helps you to start feeling liike that.

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pinguthepenguin · 28/12/2007 00:39

I'm 28 and it's been 3 months

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charliecat · 28/12/2007 00:42

Madamez speaks sense
Its early days for you. My break up was 7 months ago now and I really dont care. He has a new GF whos hes wining and dining and I pity her. Hes no catch.
Start to do things for you...slap thoughts of them from your head.

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Wifi · 28/12/2007 00:52

Thats only 12 weeks which when you think about how old a baby is at 12 weeks, it doesn't last for more than 2 seconds. Think about how long you remember them at 12 weeks, you simply don't

You have to recover yourself. You have to think about the facts. I am only looking at your OP I have no idea about others. He has left you for another woman. Point one, the way in which she got him is bollox, he will do it again, not sure if you watch Eastenders but there is a good reminder and something to take your mind off of him.

The next thing is to warn your mates that you are extremely fragile right now, you don't need a night out, you need girly nights in which you inflict the worst punishments on this bloke in your head over a few coffees. Expect them to help you.

It will start to get better, you will go out and all of a sudden you will meet someone else. It might not last, but your confidence will be right UP THERE!!!! Maybe you should break the rule and go out this Saturday. It's not New Years eve where you are sure to get pissed (unless you don't drink) and think about it. This Saturday is a perfect day to get your gear on and go out for a girly night!!!!!!!

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Wifi · 28/12/2007 00:55

I want to add that since you have found Mumsnet, you are very probably a good and caring person and he very possibly didn't deserve you to start with. Start thinking about the new you.xx

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pinguthepenguin · 28/12/2007 01:20

Thankyou wifi, lovely post.

Actually...it might have been easier had he been the 'Max Brennan' from eastenders type- but he was/is a quiet, teetotal, good-living kinda bloke, not your average lothario. He didn't cheat physically- but they built the foundations in every other way, so its still cheating imo.
That besides (because I've exhausted that topic), I have been having some nights out, chatting to my mates, doing the whole voodoo thing over exp, and I suppose in hindsight, it isnt as raw as ir was 3 months ago, but it's still crap- and I still get days where i'm in such shock over the situation, that I cant get my head around it all. I want to fast forward to the stage where I feel nothing for the man, and only pity for the silly (albeit pretty, high-flying new gf) who thinks she's bagged herself a catch.

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Wifi · 28/12/2007 01:41

That post says it all to me. You know that he is a complete nad.

The reason that his family are not saying it is because either they are not bright enough to say it or they simply don't see it because they are creating another type of hell for their family.

If you met a new bloke and he admitted to you that he was married or was still seeing someone who had a child by him, what would be your answer. I can pretty much guess this.

In answer to your question about how long. How long is a bit of string. How long are YOU going to let this man affect your life. He has left you and he was silly. Move on NOW. You know that you are better than him. Keep going on out with your mates and keep chatting to other people.

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Wifi · 28/12/2007 01:42

And leave out the VooDoo stuff, it will only cause you harm

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Wifi · 28/12/2007 01:45

I should have said mentally because in your fragile state of mind, you might start believing in it. It doesn't exist unless you believe.

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pinguthepenguin · 28/12/2007 01:47

wifi.....was really really only joking about the voodoo stuff.

Honest!

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pinguthepenguin · 28/12/2007 01:56

I agree that I'd have RUN A MILE if a man told me he'd just had a baby with someone. It's crazy that she's with him, considering that she is a seemingly intelligent woman, and she also got to know me briefly as well. I mean- anyone in their right mind would tell a man who'd just had a baby to go back to his partner and try to make a go of things, surely? not her though, no- she welcomed him with open arms it seems. He is playing father of the year to our baby atm, so ow is obviously impressed- it adds weight to his story that 'he left me, not our dd'. She has a child of her own as well, and so needs to be assured that he isn't the type of person who runs out on his responsibilities. He's currently doing a VERY good job of portraying himself as a good person atm- which is why, I'm guessing, that she is taken with him.

Anyway, I hear you Wifi, I need to get me a life.



ps, what do you mean by his family creating another type of hell?

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Wifi · 28/12/2007 01:58

Well if they are ignoring you. Then they are ignoring his behaviour. Do you agree?

I am so on your side in this.

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Wifi · 28/12/2007 02:04

These things shouldn't go unsaid & unsorted, not that they should be said in front of children. So many families have secrets that that they all keep like that Uncle Charlie was a secret German bomber and that type of stuff!

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pinguthepenguin · 28/12/2007 02:06

Ah yes, I see what you mean. Ignorance is bliss and all that.

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Wifi · 28/12/2007 02:07

That was what I meant by his family ignoring his behaviour, not a very good comparable but hey.

They are ignoring stuff because in my opinion they probably all have their own crap going on. You are so best out of it.

It won't take long, you have found MN. You are lucky, a lot of women don't and they are stuck in hell for years.

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Wifi · 28/12/2007 02:14

I am with YOU babe. You contact me through here anytime you want.

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pinguthepenguin · 28/12/2007 02:15

lol Uncle Charlie.

He has a small family- and although they openly slate him and his behaviour to me- they haven't ever had it out with him, and it annoys me, because as far as he's concerned, his family don't think badly of him, or in the very least, they've swallowed the crappy story he gave me. ('I'm just not happy')

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pinguthepenguin · 28/12/2007 02:17

Thanks wifi, really kind of you. I'm off to bed now. Anyone would think I didn't have a 6mo to get up with. {grin]

pingu x

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Wifi · 28/12/2007 02:19

I have a 1 year old, but thankfully my husband will get up tomorrow. Thank Goodness.

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pinguthepenguin · 28/12/2007 19:00

anyone else have a tuppence worth to throw in?

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