Communication issues

[Washersaurus]

For example; I say "oh, I didn't realise there wasn't any kitchen towel left". DH punches door, calls me a fecking bitch or something and after a shouting match, he storms out of front door.

His temper is a problem, I can't stand the way he reacts in front of the boys,but what worries me more is that he says it is only me that makes him act this way.

He seems to take everything that I say as some sort of criticism or dig at him; he says everything that comes out of my mouth is horrible and that my attitude is warping the kids - who will grow up miserable.

I do get irritated by lots of things and have to nag a lot about things I shouldn't have to (it is like living with a teenage boy sometimes).

DH has booked an appt with doctor about his temper, although I'm not sure what will happen. He thinks I should be more supportive, but I have no idea how, as I'm not sure how it is I manage to upset him so much.

[Elasticwoman]

Sounds like a horrible situation, Washer. Is alcohol a factor?

[AbbeyA]

You shouldn't allow him to say that you make him act this way! He is an adult and has to take responsibility for what is his problem, he can't be allowed to off load it on to you-or blame you for not being supportive.
He has a problem with anger and if it was me I wouldn't put up with it-either make him get help or leave. He will only get worse if he is allowed to get away with it.If alcohol is the problem then he needs to admit it and get help.

[verymixedupmum]

I hope the dr sends him to a therapist for anger management counselling, which is what he needs- what you have here is one screwed up man.

It is simply not possible for us to advise as the problem most likely lies in his childhood- he doesn't seem to be able to cope with criticism, or he seems to want control.

Day to day, treat him like a naughty child- don't raise your voice, don't allow yourself to be shouted at- tell him calmly that you will not tolerate that sort of language or behaviour (in front of the children?) , and that if he doesn't get help and stop treating you like this you will, quite frankly, leave and divorce him on the grounds of unreasonable beahiour.

He needs to get himself sorted, which might take a long time- sostay strong and maybe start making escape plans if you feel threatened.

[AbbeyA]

I think verymixedupmum has excellent advice, his problems are probably too deep seated for you to cope with-he needs professional help.I should just sound calm, like a broken record, and say 'I am not prepared to listen unless you sit down calmly and discuss the problem'. He has got into a pattern of behaviour that needs to be broken.Stay calm, he can't off load it onto you unless you let him. Find out what rights you have if you leave him.

[Washersaurus]

Thanks for the advice everyone. It isn't alcohol related and I know that he wouldn't hurt us - apparently his mum trained him to take his temper out on inanimate objects.

I just never know what will upset him and when IYSWIM. We have been together for 14 years and have never been brilliant on the communicating front, but his 'rage' seems to be more frequent these days, and it obviously bothers me more now since having the boys.

He has promised to go to anger management before as I have previously told him I won't live with his temper and will take the DC's. I just hope he does go to the doctor this time and that he can help him/us.

[pixiepip]

Maybe you need to give him a deadline- either in your own mind, or to his face? It's easy for him to say he will do something- but the proof of his caring is to see it through.

Has anything happened to him or you both which has made him worse? Is he unhappy at work, or even depressed?

[Washersaurus]

Apparently he is very happy at work, but we are completely broke after his company failed last year and left us both without a job, and I was pregnant with DS2. We are struggling to catch up with bills and have debts coming out of our ears. I think DH is struggling to cope with all the financial responsibility TBH and I feel really guilty about not being able to help out financially, but money is a no go area for discussion with him.

[PoinsettiaBouquets]

Sounds like you both need to get through the next few months agreeably, to get a bit more financially settled before really getting down and analysing the relationship. Perhaps neither of you are in a position to do much or see each other clearly at the moment - you've both had such big changes and are still treading water.
Believe it or not this is a great book, lots of tips for both sexes on how not to drive each other mad. Could help you get through this phase.
HTH

[pixiepip]

Has he got another job now then after you were both made redundant?

It soudns on the surface as if he feels very defensive abouthis inability to " bring home the bacon" properly. It is sad and not right that you can't discuss money. He must be very stressed over it if he cannot talk about it. Don't take this the wrong way, but if he won't talk about it, then you don't have to accept that- YOU can talk about it! What would he do- walk away? Shout? Maybe you have to make a stand on this and get it into the open- even if it means setting aside a time when you can be alone, and he is hopefully in a better mood.

It's a bit of a cliche, but many men feel they are failures if they cannot provide for their family, in the way they'd like to, so he might just have a very short fuse as part of that and takes it out on you.

I wouldn't accpet the "not talking about it" attitude- it is a form of emotional bullying, so maybe you need to stand up to him more.

[Washersaurus]

DH found a really good job (although 2hr drive every day) after a few months of contracting on a crappy salary which just about kept our heads above water.

I wasn't made redundant as I have been a SAHM since DS1(2.5)was born - as we were able to afford for me to do that. Being (unexpectedly) pregnant meant I wasn't able to suddenly find a decent job (and I didn't want to anyway).

The change in circumstances really shifted our relationship into some 1940's housewife/breadwinner type scenario, which I hate as I feel so powerless (if that is the right word). I know DH does still feel a failure regarding the business, even though what happened to his business was in no way his fault.

I have tried to talk to him about money but he gets quite defensive and thinks I am criticising him, or just tells me that 'he will sort it'. Things just end up getting left unsorted and we never have time to sit down and sort things out and can't seem to talk things through without him losing his temper.

If I try to talk to him I am accused of being negative etc, if I don't try to talk to him, I am accused of not caring.

[Washersaurus]

Pixie - that is exactly it; I DO feel like I am being bullied emotionally.

[pixiepip]

I do feel for you.

Maybe you really need to try to talk this through with him. It all depends onhow you appraoch it- if he feels defensive, then you'll have to be very careful not to attribute any blame to him, whcih I am sure you don't. But money is one of the biggest issues in marriage break dwon and if you can begin to talk , he might feel a whole lot better. It takes two to "not talk" - one to say they don't want to, and the other to accept that! Be brave.