Ending a friendship

[DeafLeapard]

I dont suppose anyone is around now (I'm prob the only saddo still on the net on christmas eve lol) but I really need some advice.

Basically I have this friend and for the past few months I've been doing all I can to avoid her, its not that I dislike her, she's just not good company anymore

We met around 3 years ago and we were really pally, in each others houses, drinking tea, gossiping, trips away, shopping, lunch once a week etc...it was nice. BUT it was at a time when I really needed someone. I'd just come out of an 8 year relationship, I was struggling on benefits and had no other friends.

Since then however, things I've changed. My confidence has grown since I've tried new things, new hobbies, new job, I'm meeting new people and my outlook on life has changed.

My friend however hasnt and she's still going on about the stupid stuff she was moaning about 3 years ago. "So and So is ignoring me", "I'm so annoyed with MIL", "SIL winds me up so much" etc etc...litrally the same conversations we've been having for 3 years.

In the past few weeks she's said stuff that has really stood out and made me think. One was:

"I dont like blind people, they make me feel sick" I replied "what on earth are you on about??" and she laughed before saying "I dont know, I know it sounds stupid but they give me the creeps, always have..." ???

Then another one was "did (my ds) get a christmas card off Courtney?" (the kids are 9) so I replied "yes I think so" so she scoffed and said "hmm! well (her DD) didnt! so she neednt think she's getting one of (her dd) next year!" ?? And she WILL remember too and refuse to let her DD send "courtney" a card.

And the final one was when I heard her kicking off at her 15 year old DD... I mean "REALLY" going mad at her...I said "what's happened??" thinking it involved drug abuse or shop lifting etc and my friend spun around and said "I saw her with Casey today!! I cant believe her, she annoys me so much!!" ??? I said "who's Casey??" so she said "that girl that was ignoring her last term...apparantly now they're "FRIENDS" again!" ?? I said "well, that's good isnt it?" so she snapped "no! she's such a pushover! she should treat her the same as she treat her last term and when she tried to make friends (her dd) should have ignored her! god I'm so mad!" ??? By this point her poor DD was in tears screaming "its up to me who I'm friends with!" and she ran up to her room sobbing. I really felt for her and couldnt believe a huge bust up like this had started over something so silly...her DD is a model teen, never goes out, never smoked, never done drugs, never skipped school...she's lovely.

Anyway I've just been sat here thinking and I've come to the conclusion that I should knock the friendship on the head. She just annoys/confuses me half the time, it seems like she goes out of her way to be hostile to people and start arguments and I just cant be bothered with that.

Thing is, its going to be hard to do it discreetly as we HAVE TO see each other everyday because of the kids. How do I handle this? Also any insight into her behaviour? similar experiences appreciated...

[FatBellyHoHoHo]

I've got a friend like this.. in fact I'm currently sitting in the dark so she won't know I'm home and come over.

I'm very sad about it but we've been friends for 15 years and I'm tired of not being able to have a normal conversation with her because she's always so judgemental and bitter. Any subject I bring up she has a negative opinion on and she goes on and on at length about it, it's horrible.

I've no idea how to handle as you can tell by my first paragraph but didn't want you to go unanswered and know that you're not the only saddo on the net tonight, lol

[Showmeheaven]

Yea, good strategy there FBHoHoHo.

Sit in the dark DL - also don't ring her, don't return her calls, make up various weird excuses when she suggests meeting for coffee, lunch etc, It will take a while, but she'll eventually get the message. You see, even though the evidance will be staring her in the face, its hard to accept that a friend can do this to you - so give it time. And when the penny eventually drops, she will be left hurt & bewildered as to what she has done wrong. Thats the cruel part ..... there's no falling-out, no break-up, no reason why, no closure. Your friend will be forever left wondering.

[anorak]

Showmeheaven I think that's a bit harsh. In a perfect world we could all be honest and have serious talks like they do in the Waltons and be understood and reach a resolution that is great for everyone. But in the real world sometimes people don't know how to handle these awkward situations - hence the reason for this thread! In some situations it might be kinder to simply gradually move away from the friend than to hurt her feelings by pointing out all her deficiencies.

Not only that bue I don't think these ladies are enjoying themselves by hiding, they are doing it because their friends are too confrontational for it to be possible to have the kind of conversation you seem to think they should have.

[luckylady74]

but how do you do it without causing hurt and confusion SMH? i have a friend who it has taken me years to work out why she so often leaves me feeling shitty - i thought it was me, but i've realised i'm not imagining the constant negativety and the bitterness which is so often aimed at me - it's subtle, but it's there. i'm often in tears when i get home, i try to challenge her and she doesn't understansd, i think you can't change someone's personality but it's impossible to move her out of my life - kids are friends, live near, like her dh, school run and so on. i feel like i'm back in the playground! sorry to hijack DL - took an opportunity to offload.

[FatBellyHoHoHo]

Thanks anorak.. you're absolutely right.. we can't have that kind of conversation because she doesn't listen!

An example of this is that about a month ago my son was taken into hospital and spent 4 days in ITU and then another 3 days in HDU. I didn't tell anyone apart from immediate family and when I saw my friend a couple of weeks later and did tell her, rather than ask how he was etc she started ranting about how ridiculous NHS policies are and when she was in hospital this that and the other and when her husband was in hospital blah blah blah and the whole thing just felt like a lecture. She has an opinion on everything and she's always right (she's not) and rather than argue trivial points with her I just shut up and let her ramble on.

Had I let her in last night when she knocked at 10.30, she would have stayed until 2am or so and that time would not have been spent in pleasant conversation but in berating me for my lack of christmas spirit, complaining about how much she's spent/how much she has to do/how well she copes etc etc etc and I just get sick of hearing it, I really do. She rarely lets me get a word in and if I do bring up something to do with me or my life she's incredibly judgemental and negative.

I have tried to tell her that she's changed but she won't have it and quite frankly I can't stand it anymore.

[soopermum1]

i really feel for both of you, it sounds as thuogh you have similar friends. whatever you do, sounds like you have to break away though, particularly from the woman who says blind people make her sick particularly if your kids play together. it's a negative, destructive attitude and will just drag you down. you are friends with people because , all in all, you enjoy their company, give or take the odd disagreement or spat. if you no longer enjoy their company what's the point?

[Showmeheaven]

I don't know what the solution is, but my oldest & dearest friend of 18 years did this to me and it still hurts like hell.

It took me a long time to get the hint - probably as long as 18 months. I believed her when she made up endless excuses not to meet up, but as much as I missed seeing her, I thought we could at least keep in touch by phone. Then I realised it was me doing all the phoning, so I stopped ringing her and waited to see how long it would take her to ring me - I haven't heard from her since April.

There was no argument, no falling out - nothing. I was left examining every last conversation I had with her wondering how I had upset her. I think about it all the time.

The only thing I can think of is that I must have been an awful down in the mouth lately. In the past 2 years I have had a death in the family, I had a miscarriage, my younger cousin got breast cancer and I was diagnosed with depression. I never told her about the depression - I think at that stage I was subconciously aware that things were not right between us, so I didn't tell her.

She was my best friend - I'll never have another friend like her and I miss her every day. But the treatment she gave me was cruel and wrong. I will never get over it. Would I have preferred if she sat me down and listed out all my bad points ??? Probably not, but this is not the better way, believe me. Dropping someone like a stone, after sooooo many years is not the "easy way" because I am now left questioning myself constantly. I now wonder if everyone dislikes me and are only being polite to my face - I know thats silly but I can't help it. My self-confidence has taken an awful dip because of it.

I didn't mean to be harsh with my first post - but when I read DL's thread it all just came tumbling out! Sorry about that

[notalone]

Showmeheaven - I am with you on this one too. We moved to a new area a few years ago which is notoriously unfriendly. People here tend to be friends with people they have known all their lives and don't have time for anyone else. Anyway, last year I became really good friends with another mum, H, from school and we used to spend a lot of time together with our DS's, as well as nights out etc. She used to say things like "next summer we should take the DS's to such and such a place" or "next year I am going to buy a huge bouncy castle - your Ds will love it too" etc and I honestly thought I had made a friend for life. She had lived in the area all her life and didn't seem to have any other friends at all which in hindsight should gave rung a few bells but at the time I didn't really give it much thought.

I am not sure what the trigger was, I try to attribute it to one of two things, but she started to go funny on me and I honestly didn't know why as I know I did nothing to offend her. I was always the one calling her and she started to ignore my texts. The last time I spoke to her and suggested we meet on the Sat she said "Yeah, if you want" then texted me on the morning and said she couldn't meet because she needed to have a bath but would call me next week. WTF??? Well she never called me so I sent her a text asking if I had offended her and if I had could she let me know so we could sort it out as DS and I miss her and her DS's. Still silence, so I gave up. The hurt feelings and bewilderment is awful and I think if you are trying to end a friendship you should at least let the person know why otherwise it will haunt them forever.

With H, my friend, I believe it was one of two things. At the time she started to go funny on me we introduced our DP's, but her DP admitted he used to hit H and wasn't ashamed of it, so DP decided he did not want to me friends with someone like this, and told her DP why. Also we both lived on adjacent roads which had gone downhill and were both anxious to sell our houses and move. We sold our house and found a lovely house in a much better area whereas she hadn't yet so maybe it was this.

I still see H around and the odd thing is whenever she sees me she starts saying things like "Oh, I don't have your mobile no - give it to me and I will call you soon" or "what is your new address again, I will pop round and see you on Sat" then never shows. I am ashamed to admit I have started ignoring her now because I have had enough of her hot and cold behaviour. Also her behaviour hurt DS too who adored seeing her and her DS's and still asks now why we don't go round anymore.

Anyway, I digressed a bit - sorry! Deafleapard - if you feel you can, you need to speak with her and let her know how you are feeling. Don't criticise or say "you always do this" or "I think you are out of order with your DD". Try to put your views across in a balanced way and if she still doesn't see sense at least you have tried. Good luck but please don't leave her in the dark as it feels awful to be on the receiving end. If she is a good mate she will hopefully see it from your perspective too, even if it takes a bit of an argument first. Good luck!

[discoverlife]

I can't really add much to this one, but, you should make sure that conversations are convienient for you. Put your foot down, if it isn't to your liking to speak to her then 'say so'. 10:30 at night is not a convienient time to intrude on someone 'just because you want to talk'.

[anorak]

But showmeheaven and notalone, you don't sound a bit like DeafLeopard and Fatbelly's friends, do you? You would welcome a talk and to find out what went wrong but their friends sound as if they would just argue or get nasty over it. Would either of you confide that 'blind people make you feel sick?' You're not the same kind of people at all and I think a different approach is justified.

I'm sorry for what happened to you both and it sounds to me like you should stop berating yourselves and look for some better friends!

[Showmeheaven]

Well, I'd like to think I'm a well-adjusted, reasonable person too (!) but my friend and Notalone's friend clearly had issues with us. Issues that they obviously felt couldn't be resolved, so they never even bothered to try.

But if you are friends with someone for a long time, the right thing to do is to try talking to them. Maybe not bringing up specifics (which would probably lead to a row) but more in the line of "I'm concerned about you, you don't seem yourself lately, you seem to be so down all the time - is there anything wrong" ? At least it would get the lines of communication open.

She sent me a Christmas card, but I didn't send one back. She got her wish. She won't be hearing from me again.

[WiFi]

I don't think there is a good way to end a friendship apart from honestly. I had to end one recently and it took a row to do it. I was so incredibly relieved but it was a shame that it came to that.

I would be very very honest and tell your friend what you have put on here. Simply say that you no longer share the same interests & that she brings you down. Up to you whether you do it by letter or whatever, but be prepared for her to try to have it out with you.

Good luck.

[notalone]

Anorak - god no! That is a terrible, uneducated unjustified thing to say. However maybe she could have kicked herself after she said it - some people don't realise how their comments / actions affect other people and it takes a good friend to be able to point this out. The way I see it is the OP and Fatbelly Ho Ho Ho should say something - ShowmeHeaven has a fab suggestion of how to raise the issue - and at least if it backfires they know they have tried and won't have it on their conscience. Some people are beyond help and distancing yourself can often be the only solution, but maybe, just maybe, the friend doesn't know what they are doing and the friendship may be salvageable. Good luck!

PS showmeheaven - I felt the same as you did afterwards and spent many hours analyising every comment I made, every action etc. Even now I still can't think of one thing I did wrong. Her loss - I would have been there for her no matter what and she has lost that now. As far as I know she still has no other friends and for that I feel sorry for her

[notalone]

PS - anorak - you are completely right and it is only recently that I stopped berating myself. I do have some fantastic friends, not in the same area, but where I used to live. I think its the isolation here that made it so awful at the time. Had I been living where I used to live I don't think it would have been as devastating

[boredandfat]

Could Showmeheavens friend be suffering from depression? People suffering from this condition often separate themselves from their families and friends?? Is this possible in this situation?

[newnamefornewyearbookwormmum]

I fell out with a friend in February this year (after a barrage of no-holds-barred-texts but it had been a long time coming, niggles and resentments were starting to build up on both sides. Since August (we didn't communicate in all this time) we've been back in email contact and we've cleared the air somewhat, the next step is to actually meet and stay in the same room together . The friendship will never be the same again though .

I'm posting this just so you know that you're not alone. I actuallye felt like I'd broken up with a bf, for a few weeks I was actually sitting in my bedroom crying like a teenager and moping about before flying into a quick temper for no real reason. When I plucked up the courage to email her (seemed less impersonal than a text and you can write more), I actually felt a weight go off my shoulders. I hope you manage to resolve this one way or another.

[newnamefornewyearbookwormmum]

This friend may not have depression per se but she may not realise, being frank, how draining she is to be around.

[MeMySonAndI]

I believe that there are friends that here to stay and some that come accross oour lives to help us through certain situations and after the situation improves they slowly disapear from our lives.

It seems to me that this person was one of the second group (not that is a bad thing, I'm sure you have been there to support people, and you did it genuinly and then moved on, all of us have done at one poin in our lives!). At the time you met you had lots in common, you don't anymore. There are things you can do, like making clear (kindly kindly) that there are something you really don't agree with or aprove of. If she doesn't change I don't see the need to make much drama as it will hurt her but more than that, it will hurt you too. If the relationship is beyond help I would slowly wean her out of it, even if it is just in consideration to the good times you spent togehter when you had more in common.

[MeMySonAndI]

And after you sorted that out come back and kick me for my bad grammar!

[Showmeheaven]

Thanks Notalone. Its the only way to look at it isn't it ?

Nnfnybwm - I probably was draining her energy. I was obviously depressed at the time and must have been terrible company. But its a lesson learned for me.

NNSAI - I like your analogy Its so true, friends do move in and out of your life, so instead of looking back with regret, I'll try to look back and say I was lucky to have this friendship as long as it lasted.

[newnamefornewyearbookwormmum]

Friendships work both ways. I feel a bit sorry for her really but you also have to do what's best for you.