Am I being too sensitive?

[Aminal]

When my son was born it was kind of a running joke that he was "ugly". Not in a horrible sense and I realise how horrible it sounds but he had a big head, big ears, big eyes and to me he was gorgeous, funny and cute, everyone else thought so too except they added "comically ugly" to it as well

Anyway DH's brother began calling him "golum" (creature from lord of the rings) and it didnt bother me, I just took it as a laugh.

Then when he was a toddler it continued, the brother would always say "hi Gollum" or "want a drink Gollum?" etc...it became so natural to him that I stopped even reacting at all.

Anyway we havnt seen the brother for ages and my son is now 7. Today we went down to swap presents and brother was there and when he saw son he said "alright Gollum!" and DS just looked confused and smiled. He's an intelligent boy and he knows when people are taking the piss so he wasnt over joyed to begin with but the Gollum thing continued ALL DAY and in the end DS said "why do you keep calling me Gollum?" and DH said "cos you're ugly!"

I got annoyed at told DH to pack it in and DH realised what he'd said and tried to explain to DS that he wasn't really ugly, it was just a silly nickname he had when he was a baby but DS asked why he had that nickname to begin with and the brother said "cos when you were a baby you looked like Gollum from Lord of The Rings".

I'm really annoyed at them both, DS seemed quite offended by it all and I think the only reason he hasnt remained upset is because he's excited about christmas. Obviously he's not ugly and his features have totally changed as he's grown up so DH says I'm being too sensitive and "all you have to do is look at him to know he's not ugly!" but surely thats hardly the point?

Would I be a killjoy to ask them to knock the nicknames on the head? I'm all for having a laugh and can laugh at myself and am not normally sensitive but telling a child they're ugly??

[cupcake78]

Animal

I agree with you. The world is hard enough at 7 without your family calling you names.

I thought the job of a parent was to instill confidence into their child to allow them to get on in the world.

Your not being over sensitve.

[WigWamBam]

You really have to ask whether you should get them to stop? Really?

[SantaBabyBeenAnAwfulGoodGirl]

sorry but that is awful..deal with it

[Aminal]

Exactly. I'm constantly telling him how handsome he is (and I genuinly mean it when I say it, he's gorgeous ) and he's never had negative names thrown at him before. He's popular at school and has lots of friends so he's never experienced a "bad name" before and I think today he didnt quite know how to react. I just felt so for him but I know I'm feeling down in the dumps anyway so I thought I was maybe over-reacting.

[claraenglish]

Message withdrawn

[claraenglish]

Message withdrawn

[Aminal]

Should also add that DH's family constantly throw insults at each other for a laugh, they're the kind of family that is constantly "comically" insulting each other which is fine and funny but they dont seem to realise that children dont see it as a laugh.

I think they just got carried away today and forgot how old DS is.

[Aminal]

Brother doesnt have children, he's very much a "child" himself.

[WigWamBam]

If he can't rely on you to stop people bullying him while you are there, who can he rely on?

7 year olds aren't often big on self-esteem, and they take things very literally - he needs to hear you sticking up for him.

[callmeoverchristmas]

YANBU and I have been the one using a nickname like this in the past . We called DN Bulla (a character from the 11 o' clock show, do you remember that?) as he was a really chubby tough/don't mess with me looking thing with a no nonsense attitude to Milk, Nappies took no cr** from his older brother etc. I was a little joke between DP and I, I did tell my Sister this and she laughed agreeing it fit his Personality perfectly, but we never ever called him it to his face. It was never meant it a mean way and Sis took it that way. He is now 4 and really is a "Bulla" by nature (although not looks now!)but the nickname went after a very Short time so he has never heard it.

Ask them to stop. Explain he is at a sensitive age and you don't know what will affect them in later life. I bet he is georgeous btw

[margoandjerry]

No that needs to stop.

[SeaShells]

That's awful, telling a 7yr old that he is ugly! That is extremely mean, your poor ds. I hope it doesn't stay with him for the rest of his life.

[madamez]

Well I have long been of the opinion that most newborns look like either WInston Churchill or Gollum and have seen many an ugly baby (but wouldn't dream of saying so to its parents). ANd I don't think it was very nice of your DHs brother to say what he said but if he has no DC of his own me might have genuinely thought he was indulging in affectionate family teasing - especially if he's the sort of person who generally gives mildly rude nicknames to the people close to him and thinks of it as a mark of closeness. SOme people do this, are used to it and really don't mean any harm. THat doesn;t mean it's OK for them to do it to someone who finds it hurtful, just that a gentle word is probably more effective in getting them to stop than taking dreadful offence and having a big row about it.

[lou33]

it's adults picking on little kids

never funny

[DavidTennantsMistress]

no needs to stop asap - amounts to bullying. he'll be looking to you and his dad to give him support and stop anything like that.

both of the men need to grow up if you ask me. it's nasty.

[Aminal]

madamez, thats exactly it, he doesnt do it to be nasty, he calls DH all sorts and he once offended his sister's boyfriend by calling her a seemingly nasty name until she flung one back at him and they both started laughing.

DH insists that I am turning DS soft and that I am spoiling his personality by encouraging him to be sensitive to names etc. Obviously they want him to be like them which isnt bad but I still dont want people hurting his feelings.

[evelina]

You are not being over sensitive.

All this could seriously damage his confidence.

I do find that men (sorry to stereotype but I think it's true) can be very outspoken and insensitive at times like this and it's your job to sort them out.

[wooga]

Your DH's brother may not intend it to be mean if he's used to that kind of humour but if your DS is taking it as an insult (being called ugly usually is insulting) it has to stop - not great for self-esteem -he is only 7.
You're not being sensitive - I wouldn't let it carry on.
When he's older your DS will be able to give as good as he gets!
I used to work with blokes that took the p out of each other all day long but they were all in on the joke-enjoyed trading insults!

[madamez]

Well, to an extent, while your DH's family perhaps need to be told gently to tone it down a bit for children, it's not a bad lesson for your DS to learn that some people behave like this and don't mean to be malicious. IE it's useful to be able to distinguish between crude but basically harmless teasing and stuff that is meant to hurt and intimidate - even if you frame it to him as, oh, Uncle is a bit silly isn't he? Because it's generally better for a person's self esteem (as well as their ability to get on with others) to be able to shrug off silly teasing ie to know that it doesn't matter that much what other people call you when you know that you are OK and well-loved. Also, people who can't take even the mildest teasing without running off crying for their therapist/lawyer are people who are really difficult to be around and not generally very popular.