My mum going on about depressing stuff all the time

[MrsSnape]

My mum has always been one for "going on", usually about the most depressing stuff...I think she gets it off my grandad because he's the same.

Anyway my dad died when I was 11 and while he laid there dying my mum and my grandma (his mum) had a blazing row that started at his hospital bedside and carried on into the hallway...they were nearly thrown out of the hospital. Anyway my mum has gone on and on about this all these years saying she got the blame for him dying and if he'd have survived he wouldve been a "cabbage" etc. She never seems to stop to realise how upset I still am by it all.

a few years ago my uncle (her brother) was diagnosed with a brain tumour and she constantly (and I mean constantly) talked about it, how long her had left, how he was suffering...pretending she didnt know stuff so she could ask and get people talking about it etc and it really wore thin after a while. Of course we were all upset and worried but she litrally spoke about nothing else.

Then unfortunately he died and again she has talked about it non stop since. He died in january this year but she has gone on and on and on about it since. She mentions the same stuff EVERYDAY, recites the events of the day he died with details of his agony etc and the most annoying thing is, she will go on and on about him whilst I sit there nodding in the right places and will then say "anyway, there's no point in going on about it all the time now" as if its me!

Anyway, the point...she is upsetting the kids. Whenever she is alone with them she starts talking about my uncle which upsets them. If they say something about ANYTHING she will twist their words and turn it around to my uncle. My son once said to her "who's your dad?" (he's 6, doesnt understand fully about relationships etc) and she told me he'd said "was (uncle) your dad". My son looked all confused and said "no I didnt say that..." so she got funny and said "yes you did!"

They stayed at her house last weekend and she had them talking about him again and got them onto the subject of my dad and how he died etc and its just innapropriate imo. But if I tell her to stop she's just going to think I'm being insensitive about her grief.

What really annoyed me though is that she says stuff to me like "I know you dont really understand how I feel...you've never lost anyone close to you..." (erm, only my father!) and the one that really took a lot of effort to bite my tongue "we have never suffered a loss like this...I mean, your dad died but this is worse"

What do I do/say or am I being insensitive?

[Dropdeadfred]

why do you bite your tongue? she needs a meaphorical kick up the backside...she is incredibly selfish to assume aged 11 you didn't grieve for your father and there is no way that I would have let that one go....

Tell her to move on...

[Wisteria]

she sounds as though she is stuck in the past and hasn't grieved properly to me, which is really sad.

However, you can't put up with it forever so say something; she may get really upset but at least it may prompt a change - suggest she contacts Cruse if you get a chance and she seems amenable.

Sounds crap MS - don't put up with it

[ally90]

Hi MS

Sounds like she likes sympathy, all the time!

What else do you get out of the relationship with her?

As for what to say... 'I feel really angry/upset (insert any other emotions) when you talk about dad and uncle bob dying, the dc have also told me they are upset by you talking about their deaths when they come round. I do not want you to discuss their deaths around myself and dc, in furture I would rather you discussed only positive aspects of their lives around us.'

And then she will smile and say 'of course m'dear, if it makes you all unhappy, I shall stop discussing it. Now would you like to talk about your life for an hour while I listen and empathise?'.

And if you feel really daring you could try suggesting that you did actually grieve about your dad dying when you were only 11 years old, not even a teenager and you'd rather not hear the gory details as it does not help you move on from it all.

I personally feel and that she is doing this to you and your dc. But the only person who can stop it, is you.

Best of luck, let us know if you do say something?

[MrsSnape]

Well I phoned her today. Both my kids are ill at the moment so I was expecting her to phone me but she didnt.

So I rang and she ignored the phone as she wanted to watch the washing machine instead she's obsessed with it as its flooded the kitchen a few times and as soon as it makes any unusual noise she litrally stands there watching it for hours.

So I phoned back in the afternoon and she answered, went on about crap she felt for around 10 minutes and then said "how are you now anyway?" very begrudgingly.

So I said I had been up all night as my DS2 (6) has terrible cough which has hurt his throat and stomach and DS1 was up being sick all night so I spent most of the night cleaning it up so she said "oh, must be a bug or something" and changed the subject.

She got on about my uncle again saying it feels depressing without him at christmas and that my grandma will be depressed etc and I just said "yeah anyway, don't want to get on to that today, I'm not feeling too happy as it is" so rather than ask me what's wrong she snapped "I'm not going on about him! i'm just saying!"

I do wonder why I bother ringing up at all sometimes.

Its like yesterday we were in town and she wanted me to choose a christmas present for myself I'd suggested something from bodyshop but apparantly the last time she went to town she couldnt be arsed to look in there.

So we were in bodyshop yesterday and she's saying she didnt feel well and snapped "just choose something" so I said "what like? how much do you want to spend?" so she just said "oh, just choose something..."

I didnt think it wouldve hurt to put a bit more effort in myself

[MrsSnape]

and then later on she was on the phone and said "sorry if I seemed off with you earlier, I didnt feel very well" but I'm sick of biting my tongue and accepting half arsed apologies all the time

[Dropdeadfred]

Sorry, it seems like you see alot of your mum and therefore should be close. As long as she is ignoring your feelings and always harping on about hers then neither of you will be happy.

Why not just arrange a day to meet and then suggest that you make it a happy day where you don't mention problems at home, kids, dh etc et ( I know you don't anyway) and she doesn't mention all her usual stuff.

Then if she asks why just say, we both seem a bit down a the moment and thought we should have a day being happy talking about happy stuff.

If this doesn't work kick her up the butt!!

[ally90]

How close would you say you are to her? Has she ever shown empathy to you?

FWIW what a rotten night for you and dc...maybe all the illness is over for christmas day tho! Hope you've got your shopping done...