My name is stockCUBE and I am an addict...

[stockCUBE]

Help me!
I'm in a relationship which over the last year and a bit has broken down. Part of the reason for this is my addiction to snooping on my DP.
Due to other dominating inluences in our life last year, we were unable to devote as much time to each other as we once did and because of DP spending so much time on the computer (mostly dealing with important business), when I noticed the internet history being regularly deleted, I got suspicious.
I must stress at this point that
a) I had never previously been suspicious, possessive or paranoid etc. and
b) DP had never done anything to damage my trust in them. However, I now know that this is the event that ruined me.
All I discovered upon looking further was that a couple of XPs had been googled or searched for in Friends Reunited, but because we'd had little time for each other, I felt a little insecure that my DP was showing an interest in someone else, but barely even looked at me when home together.
Worried that we were drifting apart, I asked about deleting the history, to which DP initially denied, then blamed our DD, then the computer playing up. Having expected a simple, if slightly embarrassed explanation and for that to be that, I then started wondering was there more to this than I was initially woried about. (Can you see where this is going?)
Fast forward that year and a bit and we're still no further from DP being furious about having privacy invaded and me, as a result, still feeling well, if there's nothing for me to worry about, why the privacy?

Long intro and obviously there's more, but has anyone else got caught up in a destructive cycle of snooping & mistrust and how did you break the cycle?

Thanks in advance.

[coldtits]

If he hadn't lied, you wouldn't bhe stuck in the cycle of snooping - you would simply ask him and get an honest answer.

I did this to my ex, to try to trace money that was going missing from the house hold 'accounts'.

The only way to break it was to throw him out so I don't care if he bought himself Playstation speakers and no money left for nappies!

One thing that did help me recognise the reasons for my own (and his) behavior was to go to Relate.

[stockCUBE]

Thanks coldtits.
DP did leave for a couple of months and during this time I came close to "getting over them", but we're now back pretty much under the same roof, mainly for the sake of our DCs, but we've both said we'd like things to be back how they were, possibly with the help of Relate and unfortunately I've let old habits slip back in and as a result uncovered things I'd rather not know but also misinterpretted other things.

[coldtits]

Things are not going to go back to how they were, and you both need to accept that. However, they could be just as good but different, or even better, but you can't change the past.

[stockCUBE]

You're right there. I do believe if we're both up front about what we've done and forgiving then we could end up with something even better than before.
But DP is unable to completely make that leap.

[bubblagirl]

i too went through a stage of being extremely insecure and worried about my dp

we rowed continuously for over a yr

i realsied couldnt keep going on was fine if i was alone but every time we were together my insecurities were terrible

found it was because we were no longer affectionate spent to much time apart him working me alone with ds

made an effort to cuddle him and kiss him as often as i could and to tell him i love him and when he started responding we started to have fun and talk again

my insecurities were gone we were loving with each other and we are now great

but sometimes work takes us apart and i feel the insecurities come back as i think his not paying attention to me

i'm in no way demanding but i like to be listened to when i talk and not ignored but i must say since we have both made effort there has been 90% improvement but it takes two his actions make you suspicious and insecure

maybe arrange a date together and just enjoy and communicate clear the air and agree to start afresh

what i done with my dp was used to text him and say tonight we'll ahve cuddly night just cuddles and talk was great

he warmed to me because i wasnt being ovr bearing you both need to make more effort for one another good luck its tough but is rewarding

[catinthehat]

You know, and its probably unfair, but I kind of read the OP a second time as if it was MrDP pretending to be MrsDP.

[stockCUBE]

Thanks bubblagirl.
It's reassuring to know it's not just me.
We both agree more time together is the key, but with 2 challenging DCs it's very difficult, plus things may have gone too far now.
DP is spending a lot of time out because the conversations we've been having recently have been too heavy and they find it quite draining.

[lou33]

what do you mean by uncovering things you would rather not know?

if he is doing things that give you reason not to trust him, and you have proof, do you really want to be with someone who treats you with so little respect?

[stockCUBE]

Not unfair at all catinthehat.
I am Mr, just wanted to avoid any sexual bias in any replies. Blown that now though!

[lou33]

well he, she, my post would still be the same

[stockCUBE]

lou33
Things that I feel may not have happened if DW hadn't been unwell and pushed away by my actions.
I really do believe that she wants to get back with me and regrets some of the things she's done and I am really open to forgive and move on because I think we'd both benefit from it. Or is it sometimes better to try and bury these things?

[catinthehat]

StockCUBE thanks for yr honesty.

[stockCUBE]

Thanks lou33, I appreciate most wouldn't hold a bias, I've just seen the double standards of a small minority before.

[stockCUBE]

You're welcome catinthehat. I think I'm in good company.
See how paranoid and untrusting I've become! I hate it, I was never like this a couple of years ago.

[lou33]

If you do want to forgive and move on you have to show her that you trust her and will not keep bringing the past into present day disagreements (which of course you are bound to have like every couple does)

Insecurity is a terrible thing and can be very destructive. It was a factor in ending my marriage 2 years ago, not the main thing, but one of those straws that breaks the camels back, you know?

And recently i ended a brief relationship because among other things, it was making me feel really insecure, and i didnt like that feeling, it isn't me, and wasnt happy what it was doing to me.

So i have been on both sides of the coin i guess

[catinthehat]

broken addiction snooping dominating unable important suspicious stress suspicious, possessive paranoid damage ruined insecure barely worried denied blamed embarrassed woried furious invaded destructive cycle snooping mistrust

I've cut your OP down to the bits that leap out at me. My guess is that these are the words you been using out loud. Its a pretty heavy vocabulary.

When do you need to use words like kind, loving happy positive etc?