mismatched sex drives

[cupcake78]

Can a marriage survive it??

I have a high sex drive (5 times a week would be normal)and see sex as more of a physical act. I am very passionate, DH does not have a high sex drive at all and sees sex as a more meaningful act, he is not passionate and is actully quite content to go for weeks without.

We have discussed this for years (been together for 11) and it always seems to be the one factor that puts a strain on our relationship and comes up in arguments.

To be honest I have looked at other men because of it and do find that after a few drinks I consider doing things I shouldn't to fulfil my needs.

Our sex life is far from exciting and I would like to add abit/alot of zing. Again we have discussed this but it never gets any further than a discussion. We have just had our first baby who is 10 weeks old and we started to have sex again 4 weeks after he was born because I wanted to.

I really am beginning to wonder if this is going to make or break us. I do love my husband very much.

[lojomamma]

If it doesn't change now, your sex life will be like this forever.
I left my first husband because this was my sex life for the whole 10 years we were together, and even if I do say myself, I was rather cute then with much better figure than now.
I remember crying to my gran about it, and her saying that I should leave as everyone needs affection.
Maybe now is the time to consider if you want a love life like this forever.
I worked for the psycho sexual team (commonly referred as those that can't and those that won't) in the past and you and your husband can be asked to be referred there by your doctor you know,probably a 6-9 waiting list though so ask asap.

[twinsetandpearls]

I think it depends why the mismatch occurs.

If the mismatch is a sign of a deeper problems then your marriage probaly won't survive. My ex and I had very different sex drives or so I thought but in reality the love was not mutual and so the relationship died.

[lojomamma]

BTW, exdh and I didn't asked to be referred, because.... I new all the local p/s counsellors which would of been awfully for me.

[BibiJesus]

My best frend is going through something v similar cupcake and I'll watch this thread with interest - they are trying for a baby and have been for a couple of years with no success, mostly she believes due to his low sex drive.

Can you/have you talked to your dh about it? I presume over 11 years it has come up, but has it ever been discussed without an argument? My friend feels she can't bring it up with her dh getting defensive and accusing her of saying he's cr*p basically as she was his first and only.

i hope someone with better advice than me comes along for you soon.

[cupcake78]

We discuss it fairly openly and we are both very aware of how we feel. The only thing is everytime we have a dip in the relationship it is the first thing that causes problems which leads to stress and then we end up fighting about it.

I really don't want this to end our marriage but to be honest when our relationship is good I generally find either he has made more of an effort or our sex life is better than usual.

However it is a continual problem. I have told him that sometimes I do consider going with other people. I have suggested an open relationship but unsuprisingly DH is horrified. Don't blame him if the tables were turned I wouldn't be too keen either.

I have slept with alot of people before him. He has only had one other partner. He is not interested in Porn in any way and when I ask him if there is anything he would like us to do he says there isn't and he is happy with the way things are.

[BibiJesus]

I really don't know what to say. If he's happy with things as they are and has no desire to change them even though he knows you're not entirely happy, then maybe a more serious talk is in order.

[madamez]

Poor you. Poor both of you, to an extent, but what he has to get a grip on is that, though he might be happy, you are not and therefore there is a problem, and the problem needs to be addressed.

Was he brought up in a household that regarded sex as dirty, disgusting and wicked, by any chance? Is he prudish to the extent of making negative or critical comments about other people who seem to enjoy sex or seek it out? There are, unfortunately, some morons who think that your moral worth depends on having as little sex as you can get away with, and being in a relationship with one of these is pretty grim. When two people have mismatched libidos, neither one is 'right', but both have to consider a degree of compromise - is it, for instance, penetration he has a problem with. WOuld he be happy to cuddle you while you, erm, look after yourself, perhaps with battery operated assistance? Is one or both of you confusing sexual technique with intimacy and affection? You need to have a long talk, and remember that neither or you is bad, or wrong, or unnatural in your sexual feelings, whqatever they are.