Need advice - what to do / how to deal with Jekyll and Hyde - long post sorry!

[aaaargh]

Hi,

My DH and I have been together for about 10 years, we were mates before we got together. He is a real Jekyll and Hyde character. Most of the time he is an amazing friend and husband: Fun, caring, supportive etc, but every now and then he turns into a real nasty piece of work and can be quite emotionally abusive.
And it is always kicked off by things that are so small, most couples wouldn't even bother arguing abut them. Usually it is something I have done, he is very critical of me. What really gets to me is that he never considers my intentions, that does not matter to him. For example, on Friday night DS was up late screaming from teething, and the only thing that was calming him down was me holding him, so I gave in and sat with him watching telly. I had told DH that I had work to do and he should go out with his work friends if he felt like it, he has been really good lately rushing home to put DS to bed and I thought he would like a night off. Anyway, so he came home and Ugly Betty had just come on. DS had been sitting quietly and when the really camp character appeared he took his dummy out his mouth and said "dada". I thought it was funny and said "yes yes that is your gay dad!". DH took huge offence to this but instead of saying he did not think it was funny he said something about "hitting me around" and started shouting at me and saying all sorts. I thought that was an outrageous reaction and said he should not threaten to hit me - especially in front of our son. I tried to explain that I meant no offence I thought it was funny but he seems to think I was saying I thought he was gay!!!!! (uuuuuh, why would I marry someone I thought was gay?) But my explanations were unlistened to and he kept on and on and started really slagging me off: I am fat, ugly, stupid etc etc. He said I am lucky to have him and nobody would touch me with a barge pole if I was single.Then started saying he wished he hadn't bothered coming home, doesn't want to be with me anymore etc. Next day I tried to talk to him and apologised for offending him but he just kept at me and has now told me he wants to leave me, that he feels I am holding him back. He also said I should F off back to where my family lives, he will even buy me the air ticket!
Now this is not the first time this has happened, it happens quite regularly
Luckily I have a fairly high sense of self worth and although I have days when I feel brow beaten I am generally OK.
He has made such a huge issue about my weight: my goal is to lose 15kgs and I have now lost 5 so I am not doing too badly.
Bottom line is he thinks he is too good for me.

So, what to do? He is not going to change, he has a terrible temper and it quite often lands him in trouble. Do I accept that and move on, or do I try and fix it yet again because 98% of the time he is so lovely?

After these fights he tells me he doesn't mean what he says and he says things out of anger, but I think he must mean them? But I don't understand how you can tell someone you love them one week, and then make them feel so worthless the next? I don't want my son growing up thinking that this is normal behaviour, but he is SUCH a great father the rest of the time I would hate them to not be together every day. DH's parent, by the way, are both alive but not in his life - they are both incredibly selfish and not good parents so I do understand that a lot of this is learnt behaviour and I do feel sorry for him in that respect.

Sorry for the long post, it is just good to put it into words.....

[aaaargh]

Just to add to that, when I said it happens quite often it is always when he is super stressed out for whatever reason, at the moment we are very stressed out because of finances. I work 3 days a week and he has now said I should go full time, but I am reluctant because DS is only 17months old, he will be in full time schooling soon enough

[onebatmother]

Gosh, this seems to be abusive dh/p's day.

the emotional abuse will continue as your son grows and he will grow up to believe it is right, as your dh has apparently done.

And 'hitting you around?' I think you probably know that this is wrong under any circumstances, and if he's threatening it he'll probably do it soon.

Be brave. You sound great, smart and independent. You can do it.

[onebatmother]

read this thread aargh

[onebatmother]

and this one

[aaaargh]

He said he was being ironic when he said he would slap me around - said he was being facetious because I had implied he was gay??? (Except I wasn't implying that!)

[aaaargh]

It is not that I am worried that he will hit me, I dont like using violence as a threat under any circumstances.

[Hekate]

He sounds very childish. Also sounds like he's got massive anger problems.

Do you love him? Personally, I couldn't stay with someone who made me feel bad about myself, or threatened me (and I've put up with a lot of other crap, believe me!) but certain things are deal breakers for me...violence/aggression, (including verbal) being top of the list.

[RoxyNotFoxy]

If this has been happening regularly, as you say, then I don't think you can expect it to stop. It wasn't as if he'd made only one snappish remark. It sounded like an extended rant to me. It could be that he actually wants out of the marriage, and this keeps re-surfacing. In particular, his remark about you "holding him back". Holding him back from what? Is he talking about his career or his personal life?

But the signs are not good. I think you need to talk to him about exactly what he expects from the marriage. If he's carrying around all this frustration, that would not be good for you, and it certainly wouldn't be good for your kids, who will tune in pretty quick and will probably grow up tip-toeing around their father.

A bit of marriage-guidance counselling might be called for. If that doesn't work, you should consider making the break yourself.

[CountessDracula]

He sounds to me like he is worried he may be gay

[prudencepinkleg]

aaaargh I know how you are feeling. My dh and I have been married for nearly 10 years with 2 ds and on several occasions his temper has got the better of him. Like you though 98% of the time he is great, especially with the boys and he does try hard to help me. But the other week he got cross about something fairly minor (ds1 wouldn't get off computer) and threw a book at me which hit me on the back of the head. Also, he does swear when he gets angry, both at me and the boys, and this is something I've never been brought up with. Also, he puts lots of pressure on in the bedroom dept. I've got really low sex drive and unfortunately he's the opposite so we agreed on once a week but it was such a strain on me having to go through the motions each time (that's how it feels) but if I say can we wait he wants to know when it will be (as if I can say!) and can get a bit nasty. Since the book incident though I think he's trying harder to keep calm but it's hard to know how I feel about him anymore.

[aaaargh]

I guess they have to want to fix it themselves.
I think he feel like I am holding him back in that he works hard in a job he doesn't like much but pays quite well, to support us. He would like to have a more creative job.

[MrsSlocomb]

You say you have high self esteem? I really don't see how you can have that if you continue to allow yourself to be abused by this man.
You are saying that you are worth nothing better than him and I'm sure that can't be true

[michie40]

Agree with countessdracula - he definatley has some sexuality issues. Could he be gay?

He is also setting a very poor example for your ds. He needs anger management - you shouldn't go through life having to live like this.

[aaaargh]

def not gay.
Turns out someone at work made a comment about something he did "being gay" on the same day and so when I said something, even though not directed at him he snapped.
The gay comment is irrelevant really, it is just an illustration about how such a small thing can trigger off such a huge blow out.
Of course I love him, if I didn't it would be easy to leave!

[aaaargh]

well it has all got a lot worse, he has told me he is leaving me tomorrow. I am not going to try and stop him, I guess there is a part of me that wants him to so I can start fixing myself.
I know it will all be OK in the future, and I might be lucky enough to meet someone who is happy to be in my life with my son. But right now I am in shock. Even though I have seen this side of his character, I never would hae thought he could be so mean to me. I told him he obviously doesn't care about me, because you would never do this to someone you cared about. Relationships fail for all sorts of reasons, surely you can part ways without trying to destroy the other person? He said I must write down todays date as it is this day that mywhole life fell apart. WTF??!!?
I am really freaked out, please tell me it is for the best? I am devastated that my little boy is going to grow up without his dad

[bamamama]

It sounds like you H is having a toddler tantrum with delusions of grandeur - 'the day your whole life fell apart' Really?
I bet you're in shock but tbh it sounds like the best thing for everyone. He can still have a relationship with his son but it's better for your son if he doesn't grow up to think that it's acceptable to treat people the way your H is treating you.
It wouldn't suprise me at all if he didn't crawl back after a couple of days once he's relised that he isn't imediately going to become creatively successful. I hope then you kick him out as he sounds like an arse.
Stay strong though and write down the date, because this is the day it all begins to get better!

[sb6699]

"the day your life fell apart",tell him this is the day your life is about to start.

He really is trying to demean you and diminish your self worth - don't let him. His behaviour says more about his own insecurities than yours.

No-one can tell you whether or not to continue with this relationship but we can offer our honest opion. Mine being that you do not need to put up with being treated like this

Even if it is only occassionaly it obviously upsets you.

Also remember that one about if you don't use the pedestrian crossing to cross the road "your children will copy you". Same goes in this instance - do you want your child to grow up thinking it is okay to treat your partner this way - I think not.

Whether he stays or goes, I hope tomorrow is a brighter day for you.

[ally90]

He may have borderline personality disorder. People who have it are also known as jeykll and hyde personalities. Look at the website and see if it rings true to you.

[aaaargh]

Ally, I thought I had cried my last tears over him until I read that.
That man's story of his life is almost identical to DH's. I have always thought he deep down doesn't believe anyone can love him enough or will stay around because everyone abandoned him in his childhood. His mother manipulated him to such a point that he does not know the truth about things in his childhood anymore. His dad walked out on them, but I have a suspicion that his mom actually had an affair and has never allowed any contact from his father to filter through.
That first check list "are you experiencing any of these things." I answered yes to all of them except the last. Especially the twisting of things I say. He also thinks he knows what I think or feel a lot of the time, and is usually wrong.
Anyway, thank you so much for that link, it has helped me get a bit of perspective on this.
Yes, I am overweight, I am not good at finances, I am often dappy, but I am not stupid, ugly and useless. I have loved him unconditionally and maybe that is part of the problem.
I feel like I am watching someone else's life.
I am just going to try and keep my routine and not cry so that my son has as stable a few weeks until I decide what I am doing as possible.
I also have huge amounts of work to do, so will throw myself into that.
No more tears.

[onebatmother]

Oh aaargh I'm thinking of you. Good luck, you sound like someone who's going to come out of this even stronger.

[aaaargh]

thank you onebatmother, I am sure in a year's time I will be glad this has happened but right now I just feel dead. Good to be able to talk frankly here.

[aaaargh]

He left a note for me when he went to work today apologising for "the trouble he has caused me" and said "too bad it didn't work out, maybe it is just too difficult for me."

I have just realised he has gone to work with clothes, toothbrush, his laptop etc. That is it! That is how he says good bye! He wrote "Kiss DS for me"..... he hasn't even said good bye to our boy.

I feel sick. I have got a really important meeting tomorrow and have so much to prepare but I can't concentrate. I feel like someone has punched me in the stomach, I think I am going to get sick

[onebatmother]

Oh Aargh, that's really hard. I;m really sorry things are so crap for you.

Thinking of you,

Onebat

[sb6699]

Sorry today has been rough for you.

[aaaargh]

OK, so I texted him yesterday saying that he was running away and not to expect the door to be open if her decides to come back. I believe yo should sort things between yourselves whatever the outcome.
ANyway, so he came home and we spoke a bit, tried to act like things were "normal" to a certain extent. He spoke about our future together which confused me. H did apologise said he hated himself for how he had acted, and said he would try counselling.
Funny, because after reading that post about living with borderline personalties, I felt a calm I had nevr felt before - for the first time I KNEW this was nothing to do with me. And, sadly, I think deep down I know he will never change. So, I feel torn.
I feel like I should move on, but I also feel like if he is going to really try the counselling then I owe it to him to give him one more chance. So I told him that although I accept his apology, I need some kind of proof that he wants this to work. He said he was ambivalant. AMBIVALANT!!!!!!
Said he does not know and cant give me a yes or no. What freaks m out is the only reason I am asking is because I need to hear a yes to make me want to bother trying again, and he cant give it to me.
When I cry (admittedly I do cry a lot) he thinks I am manipulating him. He thinks we just argue all the time because we dont know any other way. I was snapping at him today because I am hurt, I even explained that to him.
I know that if I dont leave him now, I will be on here posting a virtually identical post in a few months time! At keast I think I know... maybe i can improve? He said tonight that he alwyas thought our relationship wold have to hit rock bottom before it got better. WHen might that be?!?!!? He has an affair a few years back, and I stayed with him after, and now this is getting worse. Surely I am not a mug am I? Or am I?????

aaaaaargh - see why I named myself that? - I think I am doing my own head in! Maybe i am going crazy?!!?!? I just wished I hated him 100%