What should I do about ex's mother? (sorry, long one)

[Columbia]

I have posted a lot in the past (as Flightattendant) regarding my horrible ex and his rather bullying mother...
I had my second baby in June and she kept on at me to let her visit, on her terms and when she wanted to - lots of you told me not to let her walk over me, and I stood up to her and haven't heard from her since...her son was supposed to visit the baby also in June but he didn't turn up, and I didn't ring to ask why because he was abusive while I was pregnant, and that was why I left 3 months into the pregnancy...he was not around all that time.

Anyway I have had a letter from her today. It was obviously redirected by our friendly postman, as it had completely the wrong address on it. In it she states that she doesn't have my address (I gave it her a few months ago) or phone number (which she also had, and her son has) so she didn't know if it would reach me. (This in itself gives me the message that she would be quite glad if it didn't reach me )

She says that her mother has recently died and has left her great grandchildren some money, including my son apparently - I never knew the woman existed, thought they were all dead, but I may be wrong - she wants to carry out these wishes and could I ring her when it is convenient.

She says she is hesitant to make contact due to the 'terrible' circumstance surrounding the arrival of my child. (I don't know what she means except that his father was a git, and never rang to say he wasn't coming - otherwise maybe he has told her something untrue about why he didn't come, like perhaps that I told him not to or was horrible whic I wasn't. ?

Anyway, what do I do? I remember she was pretty forceful in demanding to come here just after I'd given birth, was laughing off her son's abuse, pretty much blaming me for overreacting etc. and sounded very self centred, saying she was depressed and couldn#'t stop crying about it and her son was also depressed (where was I or the baby in all this, well that didn't seem relevant to her)

I love my baby more than I can say, and of course it's sad if I can't share him with the other side of his family so part of me wants to ring - but also I am afraid of it bringing his father into the picture, something I dread, and also I have a feeling she likes all the drama of being 'denied' access which of course she's not.
They are a very paranoid family and tend to make things up a bit.

Help...

[Dropdeadfred]

Do you have her address? I would probably write back and state that you are confused by her letter.
Do you want your ds to have this money(knowing the strings attached) or could you politely decline it?

[Columbia]

I am not bothered about the money - I have asked the csa not to contact the dad as he will use it as an excuse to bully us, so happy to manage without - and she could always put it in a savings account for ds if she wants to.
I think either she is using it as a way to get me to ring her, or else it's true and she felt obligated to write, never mind if it actually reached me.
I am always confused by her and her son - they exaggerate and bluff a lot.

[Columbia]

Sorry no caps. ds on lap!

[jesuswhatnext]

ignore letter, this is opening a can of worms, (i have been in EXACT same position, although years ago)

you sound happy and very sorted, don't let them back into your life, with any luck over the years you will meet, as i did, a great guy who can have a lovely relationship with your ds without the encumberance of poisonious relatives.

as you say, any money can always go into an account for later

[Dropdeadfred]

Then I would be tempted to reply merelystating that she can open a savings account for her grandson with the money if she wishes and keep it until he's 18.

Good on you for coping! I reember your earlier threads!

[Columbia]

Oh thanks girls - I'm touched that you remember!
I was thinking I'll ignore it - for all she knows it never reached me in the first place, and she did what she could (?) by letting me know her mother's wishes etc. if that's the case.

I think if it mattered that much she would have been more careful to keep my address etc. because I see no reason why she would have thrown it away.

I never know what they're up to, they seem to make up stories about things all the time - one reason I left him. He would tell me she was really ill and needed an op, than I'd speak to her and it was a scan, not an op, just a routine scan about nothing important. Very confusing...

[Dropdeadfred]

Hmmmm..on second thoughts just ignore it. You really don't need them finding excuses to see/speak to you.

[Columbia]

I feel rude doing that!

• which she knows -
  
  so I will ignore it!!!!!
  
  I was so scared when I got the letter, thought it would be another 'I'm coming to see you' one.
  
  Luckily I can deal with manipulation if not visits

[Carmenere]

I'd ignore it as if you reply she will say that you onlygot in contact because you wanted money.

[bananaknickers]

Why on earth would you throw away your grandchildrens address .

[THelesbellsRINGOUTFORCHRISTMAS]

I would write back - without giving your address and say something along the lines of 'thank you, sorry about your loss ect. It would be very nice if you could put the money in trust for ds till he is 18' (it is rightfully his afterall - no point denying him of it, otherwise they will keep it )

i'm wondering whether she knows exactly where you live but claims not to so the money stays within their circle iyswim? If she doesn't then she still cannot visit because she doesn't know where you are.

still am a bit that a 'doting' grandma would not keep your address tbh.

[lizziemun]

I would have thought that the solicter dealing with the estate would have contacted you rather then your MIL.

[Freckle]

Can you afford to use a solicitor briefly? Employ them just to respond to the letter, stating that she can make any arrangements regarding any (if it exists) money through your legal representative. Instruct the solicitors not to disclose anything at all about your personal circumstances (which they wouldn't anyway). If necessary use a firm from a neighbouring town, so it looks as though you've moved there.

[Columbia]

Thanks for all the ideas. Jesuswhatnext, what did happen next? Did they leave you alone?

I think he and his mum are very eager to close ranks and blame the other party, ie me...which suits me fine because I am much happier without them around. The dad said he didn't want the baby, I'd be doing all the childrearing, etc. and that was before I left him

so lack of commitment doesn't quite cover it!!

[Tanee58]

I'd agree with Freckle. Use a solicitor as third party, and that will also keep it formal and them out of your life, whilst laying claim to the money for your son - if it exists! Otherwise, my inclination would be to ignore the letter.

[ivykaty44]

Jesus is spot on - big fat ugle worms, leave well alone and dont feel guilty

[wannaBe]

I guess it depends on how much money is involved here . Is it possible the great-granny was a millionaire?

Seriously though, I would ignore the letter completely. If she says that she has lost your address, then if you ever do happen across each other's paths again you can call her bluff and say you never received the letter. And as she says she didn't know the address she will have no reason to know otherwise.

And I also don't think that not knowing that side of the family is an issue tbh. You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family, but in this instance you can certainly pick whether to have them in your life or not.

Of course if the great-granny is leaving your ds a mantion and a millionaire lifestyle then you should welcome them back with open arms and use the money to have them bumped off .

[Columbia]

Good idea about the solicitor.
I have decided that she is probably just trying to get me to respond - I used to, whenever she called, until she started being nasty - she is the sort of person who tells you what she is going to do, and expects you to fall into line like her son does. (He told me this himself! - in fact I remember him threatening to 'set my mother on you' during our relationship! Which he did, and I still didn't do what he told me)

So I think it really bothers her if someone doesn't do what she says. So she is probably trying to raise the whole thing again so she can have another go at dominating me, as it worries her that she couldn't before

I might respond as suggested and ask her to keep it in trust - or I might just pretend the letter never arrived. I don't want to make them try harder though iyswim.

[Columbia]

Wannabe cross posted

fantastic idea!

[ivykaty44]

I think this is a fishing expedition - to get you to bite the money has been put on the end of the line - as they reel you in the birth certificate will be needed for the money to be put into trust. Then once they see the birth certificate they will know whether the father is named, this will let them in the back gate - no name on certificate no csa - but they will then strat throwing their weight around

I am very cynical

[jesuswhatnext]

columbia - my dd has been bought up by dh as his own since she was 2.5 she has known nothing else. her blood father has not seen her or supported her since she was 15m old (she is now 16)
over the years ex would send bd and xmas cards to my parents house for her, when she was very little i said nothing, but i did keep them incase she ever asked questions about him, i have kept a few photos as well so that i could show her when she asked about him.

she has known about him all her life, i hid nothing, never slagged him off though, i felt that was not fair on HER

as she has grown up, she has had a loving, stable home with dh and as we have no interferance from a family who are totally disfunctional/violent/boozers (in fact, you name it they do it)she is happy, well-adjusted and is accepted by all of dh family as his dd.

you sound like a strong person, your ds needs you to remain so, do not let people into your life who are nothing but a positive influence! sorry for such a long post, hope you don't think i hijacked your thread, am just looking forward to the next few years for you!

[Columbia]

Ivykaty - possibly. I don't think they're that clever though...
JesusWN, thanks for sharing your story - no hijack, I asked! It gives me hope. He's not on the BC because I didn't want to hand him PR on a plate...anyway he wasn't there so couldn't be added. I purposely did it asap after the birth so he wouldn't have a chance to ask for that - although I don't think he will know the rules.
He was mighty pissed off that I named the baby without asking him - well I did ask, and he didn't have any ideas. So I chose.
He could go for access through the courts if he wanted, and would probably get it - so I'm hoping I can find someone else to adopt baby and ds1 before any of that, so he is less likely to bother. I will fight for supervised access only though because he was abusive.
My guess is that it will be too much money for him to bother...that's what I hope...the fact they are in touch at all is wht's so upsetting, as I thought maybe they had decided to leave us alone

[jesuswhatnext]

ime, if it starts looking like it might cost money, men who are not very interested in their dcs back off at a rate of knots.

a big part of the reason my ex had no contact with dd is because he refused to cough up anything in the way of support (he felt keeping me short of money was a way to control me)

be really tough about this, tell him that unless he supports ds (with a realistic amount) that he will find no court will insist on you allowing contact.

fwiw my ex now owes me, according to the csa's last assesment from 1995 (i told the useless gits to stop bothering me then, all it did was send me into meltdown over their incompitance) £970.550 don't think i will hold my breath though!!!

[Columbia]

Blimey, that's a fair bit! Not surprised you're cross.
My ex is extremely tight with money and was always going on about what his other kids' mum had 'wasted' his money on...so when I got pregnant he said, 'lie about it and I'll pay you privately' which meant he would try to control me by having all the financial power. I said no, then I decided to refuse to tell them who he was because I thought it would make him annoyed enough to get in touch again...
Yes, I plan to tell him that access will = me telling the CSA exactly who he is, and them demanding money.

I feel on a knife edge - the thought of him anywhere near my kids has me wanting to emigrate

I'm really glad you had a happy ending JWN!

[Baffy]

I tend to agree with freckle. If it's your son's money (if it even exists in the first place!) then have a solicitor deal with it and put it into trust for him.

But the more I think about it the more I think it seems like yet another manipulative plan on their behalf and your son would be better off without them in his lives forever. So if giving up this potential money is what it takes, then so be it!

Totally agree that you should in no way make contact personally or let them back into your lives. No grandmother (or father for that matter) who really cared, would misplace their grandson's address and phone number!

(I remember your other threads too)