Not sure what to do next...

[laura032004]

This is a bit of a long-story now...

MIL and FIL got divorced 5 years ago. Unclear reasons why. Within a couple of months, he was living with someone else. MIL went through hell. Had a breakdown & ended up with clinical depression. DH is an only child, and was very much affected by the divorce. I ended up dealing with a lot of the fallout.

In the following years, FIL hasn't had much to do with us - turned down invitations to visit, missed birthdays (no cards sent / cards sent late), hasn't phoned.... He's always made more of an effort with DH though - they've met up for a hobby they're both involved in, he's bought DH decent presents (some of the stuff the DS's and I have received have been laughably awful). He just hasn't seemed at all interested my boys. As a result, because I was so hurt by this (it seems even worse in comparison to how well we are treated by MIL and my parents), that I decided to cut him out of my life (and as a result, out of the boys lives). DH and MIL both understood and supported this decision. I haven't asked DH not to see his father. MIL has always been very sad that FIL is missing out on his only grandchildren.

Now, suddenly after not speaking for years, MIL and FIL are getting back together. He is currently still living with his girlfriend (they own a house together), and he hasn't yet told her he's seeing MIL. MIL came to visit a couple of weekends ago, and wanted to bring FIL along too. I said no. I couldn't even imagine it. One month I'm never going to see him again, the next month I'm expected to welcome him into my home. I can't just treat him like MIL's new partner. That would be fine. But it's not a new partner, there is a lot of history there. He's hurt me a lot, and I'm also upset about the way he treated my MIL (though if she's forgiven him, do I have a right to be upset about it?).

Anyway, I'd just like some views about where I could go next. Would you let him back in? If so when? I'd like to say I won't even consider it until he's left his gf. They are both coming to stay in a fortnight after a concert they are going to with DH. I've said that if DH isn't off work the next day, they'll have to leave at the same time as DH leaves for work, as I'm not sitting in my own house feeling horribly awkward. Am I being unreasonable?

[maximummummy]

i think you need to try and put the past behind you and treat this as a fresh start - i can understand that you have felt hurt by your FIL but as you say if MIL has forgiven him maybe you should try to at least for the sake of your husband and sons - it'll take some getting used to

[laura032004]

I was afraid that was what somebody would say. Not sure if I want to. DH wants me to. I can't even think where I'd start. The sight of him near my sons makes my hair stand on end. I think if he tries to play happy families with them, it will make me seethe inside. I don't feel like he has any right. It's even worse than a new-comer to the family. I'n not sure I can just sweep it all under the carpet.

[LucyElasticband]

but mil has

[LucyElasticband]

and a girlfriend too, that is a lot to forgive

[madamez]

I think it's really not up to you to bar the man from your house when your DH an MIL accept him - for one thing, you and your DH share the house and it's not really acceptable for you to veto his father on acount of your own feelings.
Now if there's something you haven't included in your account ie that your FIL is a substance abuser or violent, then that's a very different matter, but if it's just about you being the type to hold a grudge then you need to let go of it and be polite for the rest of the family's sake.
After all, your DCs will probably be delighted to have the chance to get to know their grandad again

[cluelessnchaos]

You can do your best to be there for your MIL, sounds like it is going to be a roller coaster for her for the next few months but you can also be honest with her and say it is too much too soon for you and that maybe they need to spend more time together alone before any stressful family reunions are brought up.

[kittycrackles]

Laura, I can understand your angst and anger.
I also think that you should move on now.
The feelings you have are not going to benefit you in anyway and they are not going to help the situation.

People make mistakes, they do 'bad' things. It does not always make them 'bad' people, simply foolish/inconsiderate ones.

If I were you I would now be the 'big' person. Forget any personal insult you might feel and allow your sons and your dh to have a stress- free relationship with your FIL.
Good luck

[laura032004]

I know. I think she's had her memory wiped personally. I can still remember what she felt like when he left her, even if she can't. However, I can see why she wants to get back together with him - long-term financial stability, companionship etc. And if I don't get over these feelings, then I'm at risk of losing my MIL too (although she says that she'd always prioritise her GDS's), as she's going to start coming as part of a pair. It just makes me chuckle a bit when I remember how she has said all men are terrible, and bitched about women who take other womens husbands.... and now she's having an affair herself, albeit with her ex-husband (or is he having an affair with her? [confused emoticon!]

[laura032004]

Sorry x-posted there - my reply was to LucyEB

[kittycrackles]

Laura, that's life and that's part of what it is to be human. People make mistakes, they might learn they might not. Accept her decision, it will be easier for all concerned.

[ShinyHappyRocketsGoingBANG]

I have to admit I'm not really sure why you cut him out of your life in the first plus (and indeed the DCS). I'm surprised DH wasn't more upset about it.. doesn't sound like he did anything too awful to you, other than buying the DC presents you didn't approve of.. or forgetting. A great many men would make mistakes like this.

Are you sure the reason you don't want to see him now is not that you're just embarassed about turning your back on him the way you did?

[laura032004]

I kind of can bar him from my house (sounds terrible like that), as DH isn't going to be here that often. He's in the Navy, so for the next 3 years or so, he will be away most of the time.

I have been v.honest with MIL about my feelings. I don't really know if she thinks I'm being unreasonable though.

He's not a substance abuser or violent thankfully

Sadly the DS's don't know their grandad at all. He's seen them less than a handful of times, and spent virtually no time with them.

DH is probably a bit under the thumb, but the way that FIL was treating me and the DS's was causing a lot of conflict between us (I wanted him to talk to FIL about it, he wouldn't - if my parents treated him like FIL has treated me, I would be v.v.upset with them). As a result, he was happy to go along with the DS's and I not seeing him. He's now overjoyed that his parents are getting back together though.

[PrincessGoodLife]

I know partly what you are going through and have been as angry and hurt and confused as you over my FIL being, well, a selfish self-pitying brat.

But after a few years I have reached the conclusion that life is too short to stay angry at people. I have forced myself to move on on what my FIL did/said for the sake of my DH and DS, who are the ones directly related to him. I now play polite to keep everyone happy, because that is more important to me than continuing to show FIL what I think of him iyswim. Like kittycrackles said - be the big person, be the adult, set the example for your DC.

It is very tough but you are not giving in by doing this at all. Really. Lots of luck and keep talking it through with MN or friends - it'll help keep you sane, believe me!

[ShinyHappyRocketsGoingBANG]

Oh dear. Laura, the reason the DCs don't know their Grandad is down to you isn't it?

I can only go on what you have told us, but I feel sorry for DH. Of course he's overjoyed his parents are reconciling.. as you say his dad is not a drunk or a violent person.

Put the past behind you and allow bridges to be built. People and situations are not perfect.

[laura032004]

No. Not embarrassed. I think it is going to be horribly awkward, and I don't want that, but every meeting for the last few years has been horribly awkward.

Why have I cut him out of my life? He treated my MIL really badly. He just said he wanted a divorce, and put the house on the market the next day. After 30 years. There was a lot of other bad stuff surrounding that. Then we had to put up with visits from him and the gf, during which they went on and on about how much they did for her children, and how often they saw them. We invited them for Christmases and birthdays, but they never accepted - they were busy with her family. I feel like he should have been stronger, and insisted on seeing his family. I'm kind of suspecting that the whole rubbish presents / late cards thing is down to the gf. But he let her do it. There have been so many things really, and basically he virtually cut us out of his life (or the gf did - she wanted him to forget about his 'past' apparently), but it makes me feel better that I decided that I wouldn't see him anymore, than to feel hurt when he didn't see us if that makes any sense?

[ShinyHappyRocketsGoingBANG]

I can understand where you're coming from and not meaning to appear insenstive, but all of what you say doesn't change the fact that this whole thing is primarily about the realtionship between him and your MIL and really, you probably need to try to respect what she wants.

[laura032004]

ShinyHRGB - I wouldn't say they're not seeing him because of me. This is a fairly recent thing (last few months). He's been invited very regularly up to a couple of months ago. Virtually always turns us down though. We've (all 4 of us) never been invited to their house. The last time he saw them (last Christmas) was a big family party. FIL's mother wanted family group pictures done, and he picked up DS1 (who didn't know him from Adam), and turned on the jolly grandfather act. It pained me. The person that does that is the person that has earned that right over the last 3 years. My dad.

You are all right though. I need to put this behind me and get on with it. It's happening whether I like it or not, and unless I want DH to start meeting up with MIL and FIL without me (when we'll see little enough of him as it is!), I'm going to have to see him.

I just can't imagine having him to stay in my house. Is that bad? I have MIL to stay all the time when DH is away, and that's fine. Great even. I don't think I'd invite her as often with FIL, as it will be so much more uncomfortable.

[laura032004]

Shiny - I do. I'm happy for her in a mad way, because this is great for her long-term. It might even be great for us very long term.

[laura032004]

Thanks everyone for your words on this. I do appreciate them. It's nice to hear unbiased views - everyone close to me knows how hurt I've been by him, so they support my feelings of not wanting to see him anymore because it's my best method of self-defence against being hurt (I'm quite a fragile person inside).

Well, they are coming to visit in a fortnight for the night. I might insist that DH takes the next day off work so that he can be around. They are his parents after all. Then at least I can disappear if needs be without seeming too rude.

[madamez]

Sorry Laura but being a 'fragile' person doesn;t mean that your feelings matter more than anyone else's. We all have to put up with people we don't much like or care for because they are important to other people we do care about.

Having said that it does occur to me that you might have some issues of your own about loyalty and betrayal that are actually nothing to do with your FIL and you might feel better if you thought about those and talked them through with someone.

[NotQuiteCockney]

Yes, as madamez says, it sounds like maybe your FIL's behaviour is reminding you of someone else's behaviour from your past. You've taken his treatment of his wife very personally.

It might be worth talking those feelings through with someone.

[laura032004]

Nothing from my past I don't think I was v.worried at the time that history might repeat itself - that DH would leave me after the same number of years. As a forces wife, I've given up on having much of a career in order to follow DH round and support his career. It does leave me very vunerable if we split up in later life. FIL was in the Forces too, so MIL was in the same position.

I don't think I've taken FIL's behaviour towards my MIL that personally. DH and I have been together since I was 16, so I have known my MIL a long time. Surely it's only normal to be upset if somebody hurts a close member of your family? I'd be the same if my DF did the same to my DM. Is that strange? DH sees it slightly differently, as they are his parents, so he almost loves them unconditionally. I'm detached enough to think that what FIL did to my MIL was terrible (it was very messy and horrible at the time), without being close enough to FIL to ignore his behaviour to my MIL.