I think I genuinely hate my mother-can't help it!!!

[killingmesoftly]

I was sexually abused as a child by a family member which continued for years. Firstly because of my lack of understanding, and when I was old enough to fully understand what was happening, because I knew my parents (mainly my mother) would say I was lying. I eventually got the courage at age 10 to put a stop to it but within this time, I had many failed attempts of suicide which my family never knew of.
10 years on and I met my mothers side of the family for the first time. I grew very ill and rather than staying to look after me, my mother was more concerned about going shopping with her friends. Because of my vulnerable condition (and the fact that I was in a foreign country) my uncle took advantage of me and sexually assaulted me. I was traumatised-never thought lightning could strike twice.
The truth got out when we returned home and my mother immediately called me a liar.
Now they've finally acknowledged that something happened (only because someone else confessed he'd also abused them) but they still say the 1st incident from my childhood is fabricated-"how could anyone keep a secret for that long".
The worse thing is, I don't hate my abusers, I hate my mother for abandoning me and not doing what a good parent should which is protect their child. There are other issues from my childhood which don't help. Mental abuse-me being the black sheep of the family, the liar, the ugly one etc.-mainly all said and done (or at least encouraged) by my mother. When I finally told me about my failed suicide attempts she laughed and said she'd ensure all the knives in the house were kept sharpened from now on whenever I come round!
Everytime I talk to her now I feel hatred welling up inside me and I know it's awful but I don't feel like I can ever forgive her. I feel really confused because at the same time, I want her desperately to take notice of my child who they all completely ignore. I just feel like a child again, begging for some attention and I hate them all for it.

[BoysAreLikeDogs]

What a dreadful time you have had

Please please ensure that your DC is never ever left with those who abused you.

[Hekate]

Why do you still have contact with her?

[DANCESwithALitFireworkArrrrrgh]

I think you need to see someone professionally. The emotional hold that your (to be honest) cruel sounding family have over you is not good and not good for your child. Please, please go and see your GP in the morning and talk to them about what has happened to you. I find it hard to reconcile the word mother with someone who said she's ensure knives were kept sharpened when told about her daughter's suicide attempt. Please, please find someone to talk to. the samaritans might also be a good place to start

[binkleandflip]

Was just going to ask what Hekate asked?

[Carmenere]

Take the power from them. You don't need those revolting people in your life and your child doesn't need them either. In fact I would say that it may be irresponsible of you to expose your child to such destructive influences.
Get professional help and get yourself away from your family.

[killingmesoftly]

This must sound INCREDIBLY pathetic, but I still look for their approval. I KNOW I'll never have it and will be continually get kicked in the teeth but whenever they hurt and disappoint me again, I promise myself I'll have nothing more to do with them, but end up allowing things to return the way they were. I just feel an obsession to pick up the phone and talk to them again.
We moved away from where we grew up and now I'm very isolated-don't know anybody. Have tried to make friends but nothing so far.

[Kewcumber]

I sometiems think that we are programmed to seek approval from our parents no matter how hideous they are (and yours does sound pretty hideous).

Just a few comments...

It's absolutely normal to feel hatred for her in your position, she was supposed to protect you and she didn't. It isn't awful that you can't forgive her, again its normal. Whether you can forgive her or not isn't important (those I suspect some therapists would disagree), or even the fact that you appear to hate her more than your abuser - equally unimportant. Whats important is can you move on with your life happily without her approval? Or at least, how do you move on with your life without needing her approval?

Because you know you are never going to get it, don't you? You mother is unlikely to ever be able to admit the truth because that would be admitting she failed her child so badly that I doubt she could handle it.

I think it may be CBT (someone will probably correct me) with examines the equation most people make in their mind - my mother didn't care for me properly and therefore I am unworthy of care. I think if you can get some CBT may be worth trying. Alternatively really try to think about your need for her approval - will her approval of you or your child make you inherently more loveable, more worthy, better in fact at anything? Of couse it won't. However don't beat yourself up about wanting it - I once said to a therapist about my father, when asked what I wanted form him "I want the father I want not the one I've got!". Strangly saying it aloud to someone made me much more accepting of my dickhead father!

Sorry I think this is a bit long

But good luck to you.

[minouminou]

just briefly
same thing here, including black sheep thing (it's how they account for their failure to help/do anything/rock the boat)
i only have contact with 1 sibling now - the one who actually did anything to help
took me a while to realise it, but there's nothing wrong with me, and a lot wrong with them
you will realise this, you will cut them out, and feel a lot better
you will, really
yes you want their love and attention, but after banging your head against a brick wall for a while, you realise it's not forthcoming and find it elsewhere, as well as give love and attention to those who deserve it
you'll be ok - this anger and hatred is the start of you fighting back
best wishes

[moonstruck]

Having your own child brings a lot of these feelings bubbling up to the surface again. I understand you want your child to have the comfort of an extended family and their approval but I really would try to break free if i was you- see yourself and your child and partner as a seperate unit of which you are the matriarch and just put all the things into her and yourself that you felt were missing in your childhood. I have found feelings of anger and hatred effect the way one acts with one's child anyway, so cut them out. Tlk to you mum now and then if you must but keep it to a minimum. Be strict with yourself about it. You'll get used to it eventually. Sorry you have had to cope with all thisxxxxx

[minouminou]

anger and hatred aren't great feelings, no, but it's a part of realising your own self worth - a kind of "how dare you do that to me?" reaction, and in the main it's inescapable.
i don't really care now - i find the subject of my family empty and boring - they've gone, as far as i'm concerned
certainly having ds has brought this up, as i think "how could these people allow this to happen?", and so you realise how badly they've let you down

[cluelessnchaos]

It is not always best to have a relationship with these abusive people they will always find it easier to put the blame on you than to accept the teeniest proportion of blame themselves, my mum died ten years ago and since then her extended family have cut me out and it is the best thing that could have happened to me, I am free of their expectations and their shitty remarks, you can and will survive the awful things that have happened to you.

[minouminou]

I second you there, clueless.
it really does get better, killingmesoftly - there'll be a day when you realise you haven't thought about these people for a while, and you'll realise that you're free

[killingmesoftly]

Thanks for all your supportive comments. I think what doesn't help is the fact that I don't know anyone where I live-if I did, I'd have something else to focus my mind on. Since moving here, having a child and being so isolated has made all this crap just go round and round in my head.

[minouminou]

Maybe it's just your time for a spring clean!
you might stop thinking about it so much when you've got some new chums, but you'll have made some progress with it, and may feel ready to either make a break or get some professional help.

[Sakura]

I think its normal for you to feel this way towards your mother. I can understand completely why her betrayal hurts more than the fact you were abused.

Please look at this thread. Many of the women on there know how you`re feeling, and have reached the drastic decision to cut contact with their mother to save their sanity.

[moonstruck]

Killingmesoftly, how old is your child?

[Sakura]

About granparents rights- as far as I understand, she doesnT have the right to overrule you i.e contact your baby without your wishes. I should imagine this is espeically true if you and the babys father are united. I think grandparents rights mainly came about for the granparents in a divorce case, and the mother was refusing the paternal granparents access. <br /> My mum threatened me with this when DD was born. The strange thing was I had offered to meet her, but it was on <span class="italic">my</span> terms, and she couldnT cope with that.(thats right- no love or affection, or how did the birth go, dear?, but she starting screaming about taking me to court immediately to excercise her granparent`s rights)

[cluelessnchaos]

You are right killingmesoftly, you do need support nearby, what have you done to get to know people?

[Yummers]

cut your mother out. now.

you don't need her. you need to break free of your past and you can't do that with her around. she sounds vile. irredeemably so. don't try and save her, whatever you do.

[ClaphamLauren]

Killingme, where do you live now? Mumsnet can be a great place to meet people. Possibly if you build a better support network you will feel stronger and more empowered to rid yourself of your family. You deserve so so much better than this, you have to realise that.

[Yummers]

and you can find support in your local area. for jsut people to go out and have coffee with the kids, try your local netmums website. you have to work at it, and obviously use your common sense when meeting other mums, but these things can develop into proper friendships, people you can rely on. also take your child out to local toddler groups etc.

i agree you deserve some counselling to help you deal with all this stuff. but you can develop the will power not to ever contact these people again. like any other habit you want to kick, the best way is to set a definite date after which you will have no contact with them whatsoever (why not today?) and also provide yourself with an alternative, for example if you have things you feel you need to say to them try writing them down, jsut to get them out of your head. also if you fill up your life with good people who care about you, your dependence on negative influences will naturally decrease. hope that doesn't sound too 'cut and dried' or simplistic

[killingmesoftly]

Mother and toddler groups, meet a mum forums. Most people in my local area are much older than me and we just lose touch as there's nothing we have in common to keep the interest going. I'm not sure where else to work.

[killingmesoftly]

where to look I mean

[ClaphamLauren]

What area of the country do you live in? There may be people on here who live near you!

[OMGhelp]

We all approve of you. I think we outnumber your uncaring extended family.