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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

Can you be friends with someone, if you really REALLY disagree with their parenting method?

39 replies

NatalieJane · 29/10/2007 10:36

I know that sounds really crap, and I don't for one minute think I am the perfect mother, but if you really do not like someone elses way of parenting, can you still be friends? Real friends?

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Lizzylou · 29/10/2007 10:39

I think it depends on how much it impacts on you and your DC's.
We all do some things differently, but I have yet to meet someone who I would stop seeing purely on the basis of their parenting, iykwim.

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LegoLeia · 29/10/2007 10:40

Not sure - Parenting is a subject SO close to home that we all get passionate about it...

A bit different = okay, violating your absoulte laws of parenting would, for me, be stress inducing -

But on the other hand we're all different aren't we - there's no best way etc etc?

Depends on the friend's methods I suppose.

Hmmm... not v. helpful I know. I'll have a think!

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VoodooLULUmama · 29/10/2007 10:44

unless it was bordering on neglect or abuse even, i would keep my nose out... it really depends so much

so, what does your friend do that you feel uncomfortable with?

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screaminghousewife · 29/10/2007 10:44

Yes, as long as you make sure that you tut quietly!

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NatalieJane · 29/10/2007 10:45

Ok I am going to say it, she smacks her little boy, not very hard (not that that excuses it), and he is a little bugger at times (like they all are) but I just can't stand watching her do it, other than that she is a lovely woman, don't know her very well yet, but everytime we talk I feel we get on in all other aspects apart from that.

I know this sounds very sad, but I don't have any rl friends that live close enough to drop by for coffee or whatever, so it would be nice to have a friend, just don't know if I can put up with the smacking....?

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VioletBaudelaire · 29/10/2007 10:46

I have one friend who I now only see without the DCs.

She simply refused to intervene whilst her children attacked mine, and then became weepy when I stepped in and told her children that their behaviour was not acceptable.

But I think a 9-year old girl (NT), should not go unchallenged when biting another child.

And a 10-year old boy should not be allowed to push another child down a flight of stairs and get away with it.

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VoodooLULUmama · 29/10/2007 10:49

do you ever talk about other ways to discipline? casually, and in a not very pointed manner?

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NatalieJane · 29/10/2007 10:49

I've no intention of ever trying to tell her not to smack, or butt in in anyway, she can parent how the hell she likes, but can I keep watching her do it, hating it, and still be a friend?

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VoodooLULUmama · 29/10/2007 10:50

how often does she do it? it sounds like you cannot carry on being friends with her..

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Lizzylou · 29/10/2007 10:50

OH, a smacker. How old is her DS? How old are your DC's/DC?

I haven't come across this and tbh, it's not something I do or agree with.

Other than ask her not to do this in front of you/your DC's I don't know the way forward tbh.

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VoodooLULUmama · 29/10/2007 10:51

but i think you can mention it, there are ways of doing it without being nasty or interfering, maybe mention you read something or saw something about time out or sticker charts , pasta jars or whatever and you ;ve found it really helps

if she is smacking a lot, it clearly isn;t working as a method anyway

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NatalieJane · 29/10/2007 10:51

I've never brought it up in any way, but she has seen how I disapline mine, with out the smacking, and she has seen it works, never seen her trying it on her little boy though.

Looking from the outside she is a single mum, no job, and she finds it very hard.

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haychEebeeJeebees · 29/10/2007 10:52

Oh its so difficult.
My friend has a really immature way of parenting, she talks to her and my dc as if they are babies. Grrr! Is such a wind up.
Another friend has tolerance issues, she flies off the handle over minor incidents and again i find it unbearable to watch. She even had a go at my dd for a real minor thing as if she had just commited the crime of the century. I was on the edge of saying something to her, but decided against it at the time and took the view that dd1 needs to understand how people and other parents are all very different, and perhaps she should be more careful around these types of people.

But, no i cant be real close friends with either of these two because they irritate me. I am friendly, and i do visit them but its infrequent.

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VoodooLULUmama · 29/10/2007 10:52

if that is so, then maybe she would appreciate the support and friendship, and you can mention , gently, other ways of doing things...

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mishymoo · 29/10/2007 10:52

I don't think I would stop being friends with someone because I don't agree with their parenting methods. After all, we all do things differently.

In fact we have friends who (IMO) haven't got the best parenting skills (but do any of us?). An example, is their use of the time out method and using it because their DS wouldn't wee when they wanted him to? And his timeout is for far longer than it should be (sometimes around 10 minutes and he is only 4) and they use the bathroom with the door closed for this.

It is really hard to keep quiet and let them get on with it but I think it would ruin our friendship if we ever passed comment.

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NatalieJane · 29/10/2007 10:54

Thing is we don't really know each other that well yet, we've spoken maybe a dozen times, she seems to smack him as a habit, he could do something or nothing and she smacks him. Like I said not hard, it doesn't even seem to register with him that she's smacked him...

I don't know, maybe I should just keep my distance?

Her son is nearly 3, mine are 5yo and 10mo.

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colditz · 29/10/2007 10:55

the thing is, smacking is not illegal, and as a last resort it DOES work. So I really wish people would not say "Ohhhh a smacker!" in the same tone as "Ohhhhh a thief!" or "Ohhhh she whips him with a hoover flex".

No, it's not ideal. But I'd prefer to spend time with 'a smacker' than I would with someone who would take a 3 year old's teddy away in cold blood, or pretend to phone a children's home.

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NatalieJane · 29/10/2007 10:56

Yeah Lulu that's that what I thought, but I don't want to ever make her feel like I'm thinking I'm better than her, I'm not, just different.

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colditz · 29/10/2007 10:57

I don't think you should mention it. Clearly she's not damaging him in any way, and by mentioning that you don't like her to smack could mean the end of the friendship.

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themildmanneredaxemurderer · 29/10/2007 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VoodooLULUmama · 29/10/2007 10:57

i think you could maybe stay friends and as you get more comfortale with her and get ot know her better, then you could maybe say something in a really gentle way ?

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NatalieJane · 29/10/2007 11:04

Well, I suppose all I can do really is keep seeing her every week (we meet at mums and tots, but she lives down my road) see if we carry on getting on in other ways, and then if we do end up being 'proper' friends (god I feel like I'm 7 years old trying to find a best friend...!) then maybe I can broach the subject in a soft way....?

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NatalieJane · 29/10/2007 11:05

Thank you everyone, and thanks for not jumping on me calling me a snob or whatever, I never meant it in a horrible way

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howlingatthefullmoonmother · 29/10/2007 11:07

I have a friend with a very different parenting style to mine,when being out with our children together she would always comment that my dc were so well behaved and she wished that her dc would behave that way.I did try to give her ways to deal with they're behaviour but after a few times of her asking for advice and then ignoring it I just gave up offering the advice.

It got to the stage where her dc behaviour was having an affect on my dc,ie if can get away with it why can't I?
I also was finding it very stressful having to watch her oldest child treating her like she does.

So now we only see each other whilst the children are at school,which is sad but the only way I can maintain the friendship.

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olala · 29/10/2007 11:10

that is a really tough one. My best friend and I have completely different parenting styles - she smacks her children, lets them have game boys (ages 8 and 4) and lets them have fizzy drinks. I am like JESUSLY against all of the above and find it hard to watch her dishing them out. So we just socialise with just us. WE don't bother getting all the kids together, its too stressful, there is ALWAYS one rule for them and one rule for mine, it never works out, the ids get annoyed, and blah. rubbish. But when we go out, drink wine and have a great time, we don't need to talk about gameboys, or whatever and we have a fanstastic time. So yes, you can be real friends, so long as you realise what it is and is not fun to do together.