would normally chance my name for this but i cant be arsed

[starshaker]

felling really crap today. ill start at the begining.

ive always come last with my family its a fact and ive got used to it. dh on the other hand is not making it easy for forget about it.

my little sis was given £3000 for help with her wedding. i was given nothing. not even a small gift. he keeps slagging my family of but it just makes me feel worse about the whole thing and i wish he would drop it. there is so much more examples i could give but it really upsets me if i think about it.

how do i make him see that i know ive never had any1 whos been there for me but i dont need him to always remind me cos it makes me feel really crap

[amytheearwaxbanisher]

did you try telling him what you just said in your last line?he is probably peed off with your family treating you like this and has no other way of making you feel better than slagging them

[Carmenere]

Do your family think that you are more capable and competent than your sister? I think that this is often the reason for inequality between siblings.

[Carmenere]

Agree with amy though, tell him that you don't need reminding and complaining about them won't make any difference

[Beenleigh]

He sounds like he isn;t really thinking about you. I know how you feel, my oh is really insensitive about thingfs like this. I kno this isn't actually a sensible long term strategy, but pending one, I don't talk to him about things which I know will give him an excuse to bitch, and I hammer on about how bitchy he is. Feel sad for you, it's not possible to change someone, but if he actually realised how he was making you feel, it might make a huge difference. Good luck in explaining to him x

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would suggest you read the thread entitled My Mother has cut me out of my life - long sorry which is a little bit further down this Relationship page. Consider posting your post there too.

Why have you always felt you've come last - why do you feel so rejected by your Mum and Dad?. Why were you made the scapegoat for their ills?. What happened to you to make you feel like this now?.

I would also suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I actually think he is trying to get you to react to them although he is going about it in a completely cack handed way. Slagging them off to you achieves nothing because you know what they're like anyway. He needs to instead offer you possible ways forward and give support not criticise.

Do you have any relationship with them at all these days?. What are they like as grandparents?.

[starshaker]

carmenere my wee sis and her hubby earn about 70k between them. dh gets crap pay and im a student

attilla. its my step dad also my sis and bors sdad. he has never liked me. ive always had to do everything on my own ever since i was 15. im used to not mattering to any1 but i dont want to be constantly reminded. my mum also owes me about £2000 (im stupid for lending it to her but it was nice to feel i was needed) and im pretty sure ill never see it again. i dont know why the feel im not worth helping out

[starshaker]

they are great grandparents. although they will only have dd when if suitable for them (not a prob) but my older sis used to leave my nephew with them all the time and they would cancel plans for him. it all started when dh sent me a text saying that dd better not get ignored now that my sis is having a baby (shes getting induced today)

[NotQuiteCockney]

Are you sure it's your DH you're angry with?

[starshaker]

im angry with everyone including myself for thinking my parent might help us with the wedding. i have noone in rl i can talk to feel really isolated and alone most of the time

[NotQuiteCockney]

None of your friends would understand?

There are lots of people here with problems with their parents, so lots of people would understand.

It sounds like your parents are the ones to be angry with, not yourself, or your DH.

[Hekate]

Cuold your dp be really really angry with them for the way they treat you because he loves you and be angry with you for not realising you are worth so much more than to allow yourself to be treated like this (I don't mean the money, i mean the attitude) by your 'family'.

[starshaker]

as i said i feel isolated cos of where we live. havent been able to see or talk to my best friend cos shes either working or with her other friends (she lives over an hour away now so i know she is gonna be with other people)friends at college are just that. people im friends with AT college

[ScaryScaryNightingale]

I had that with my rich uncle.
He said to me long before passing away that my sister would inherit a lot more than me because I have a husband, she is a single mum with poor health.

You cant always treat people the same.

There may be different things in your sisters life that you dont know about that is the reason for this inequality.

My parents are still giving my sister cash, even if she is older than me, for this very reason. I am just happy for her that she gets by.

Dont beat yourself up about it, dont equal monetary gifts with love.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"Attilla. its my step dad also my sis and bors sdad. he has never liked me. ive always had to do everything on my own ever since i was 15. im used to not mattering to any1 but i dont want to be constantly reminded. my mum also owes me about £2000 (im stupid for lending it to her but it was nice to feel i was needed) and im pretty sure ill never see it again. i dont know why the feel im not worth helping out"

You do bloody well matter as a human being!!!. But you have to believe that fact though fully.

You have become the scapegoat for their failings. Thing is though, you've been downtrodden by your mum and stepfather (did you Mum just stand by, did she put him before you?) for so long that "I do not matter" is now ingrained. It can be unlearnt but it will take a lot of emotional work through counselling to achieve. You have sought their approval your whole life by lending your Mum money that you will likely never see again.

It may be that as a parent yourself you have started to look back on your own childhood experiences and you are angry at the way you've been treated by them.

I would agree fully with Hekate and NQC's comments. I would argue that perhaps you are getting angry with the wrong person here; your anger needs to be directed at them.

Do read that other thread I've mentioned too - it may help you also.

[starshaker]

well my wee wee sis moved out cos of dad (her dad) and my mum was gonna leave if she didnt come back. she didnt do this with me just shipped me of to my grandparents. i wasnt even allowed to come home for xmas. yeah now that im a mum i look at my dd and think nobody would ever come before her. she needs me and i will always be here for her

[GryffinGhoul]

hi Starshaker. I don't have much to add except to say you have lots of friends here, so keep posting and remember that you are worth a lot and are a very special person with a DD who loves and needs you as much as you love her. I had a look at your profile and you are from near where I grew up. Parents have a funny way of treating siblings differently in the name of equality. They want their kids to be equal and if one is less capable they try to even it out by lavishing attention and/or money in one direction. They don't see how much it hurts.

thinking of you

[starshaker]

the differance is im the 1 who hasnt done anything with my life (until now and im determind) my sis is an asbo officer own house great car etc bro is high up in the raf. im a student

[starshaker]

think im just having a crap day and feeling sorry for myself

[NotQuiteCockney]

You're allowed to have a crap day; you're allowed to feel sorry for yourself. I think both of these feelings are understandable, given the circumstances.