is this the end?

[tiredofarguing]

We've been married over 2 years and have a 8 month old DD.

We just had an awful row about how cluttered and untidy the house is. It started off loud, didn;t even progress from a discussion. He kicked off cos he was looking for something and couldn't find it. I'm finding it hard to keep the house spic and span as DD gets very clingy these days and needs picking up often. I do make sure that stuff like laundry gets done and put away; dinner is always cooked fresh daily and I do the washing up and vacuuming. The problem is paperwork and stuff accumulating. He thinks I'm using my daughter as an excuse and I told him with his attitude he won't be happy anywhere. He got all indignant and said he can make it without me and that I'll be hearing from a solicitor. I'm distraught to say the least. I'm hoping that he will calm down and discuss but I'm not hopeful, and he won't go to counselling

Sorry for the long moan, just needed to get this out

[tiredofarguing]

not on this scale, but we have argued about my alleged untidiness in the past, though I am far from slovenly.

I just feel so awful, DD heard everything, I shouldn't have let her hear

[cazboldy]

there are 2 of you capable of sorting things out/tidying!
If he won't do it, then he will have to look after lo when he comes in so you can.
My husband works long hours ( he's a dairy farmer) and I am a sahm ( to 5 lovely kids) but he does help as much as he can. My dd2 ( 6 months) is also very clingy, and on a bad day I can only do things that can be done one - handed, but we both agree that the kids come first.
neither one of us think that a tidy organised house is worth leaving her to cry her eyes out all day!
it's just the way things are with small children in the house!

[Carmenere]

Well tbh you sound messy(as am I) and he sounds intolerant and uptight. So you are opposites and opposites are said to attract but that doesn't always work on a practical level.

It is my opinion that a happy house with little children in it is rarely spic and span. Does he do any house work at all? Because if he does and is complaining, well then that is a little more understandable. If he doesn't, well then he thinks that you are some kind of domestic staff and that is a difficult point of view to change.

I 'm sure he would get on fine on his own. He could have a spic and span, empty, sad life. Take a deep breath, have a coffee, do a little tidying and see what happens this evening. If he really wants to leave it is not about a messy house.

[tiredofarguing]

he's never threatened to leave before

this has shaken me loads cos though we've rowed, it's never been this loud.

sounds so SILLY. Because the house isn't showroom perfect. He's not usually this unreasonable!

[Freckle]

What sort of paperwork is it? Can you gather it all together and then go through it with him once dd is in bed of an evening?

It's very hard when you have a little one and men often have no idea what is involved in a sahm's daily routine (routine? what routine??).

Have you considered using a sling for when dd gets clingy? It might help you get on with what you need to do, whilst carrying her around with you.

[tiredofarguing]

thanks for the replies

He says he hardly creates mess, so it's my problem. I replied that he can give me a hand by holding DD at the weekend, but was not in the mood for listening. He says he can do it better and quicker than I can which is probably true.

My main problem isn't with being criticised, it's how he did it - shouting, yelling and swearing. I won't be talked to like a 4 year old, and I told him that. I'm getting a bit angry now...

[tiredofarguing]

freckle - I'll look for some slings pronto. It's just stuff that needs shredding but our shredder broke down...

he just called (on his way to work). He gave me a crap "apology". I told him I didn't appreciate how he talked to me, he kept going on about the mess.

Next time he threatens to leave - a low blow, IMO - I might not protest and let him carry on and see how silly he's being

[anorak]

Yes it really does sound like he has no idea how much time and energy it takes just to care for the baby. Can you leave her with him for a day - it will be good practice for him for when he (in his mind) is a single dad with visits.

I feel that one day will be enough to demonstrate why you don't manage to keep the house pristine.

I don't think anyone can manage their usual housekeeping standards when they have a child under 2 in the house, something has to give.

I think if you can get him to see how unfair it was to speak to you in that way you will forgive him. A new baby in the house puts a strain on both parents. And I wouldn't worry for a second about the baby hearing your argument. She will register the other 99% of the time when you are serene and calm.

Your husband needs to focus on the positive noticing how brilliantly you are doing with caring for your daughter, producing home-cooked meals and keeping the laundry down. Most people can't manage all this with a new baby. Tell him new babies need you simply to feed them for 8 hours a day, that's half your waking hours (if you're lucky!) That's without bathing them, changing them, cuddling and playing with them or doing anything else!

[tiredofarguing]

I've been invited out in a couple of weeks so I'll think I'll accept and see how "D"H gets on with it all, heh heh

I can see where I need to improve, he just thinks he's just great .

Thanks everyone for listening. Gonna start some housework now that DD's asleep...

[tiredofarguing]

Got quite a lot done, my mum was helping with DD. DH was out last night (pre-planned) so I didn't see him before going to bed. I was really tired so didn't think it wise to stay up to talk.

This morning he's barely spoken two words to me . I'd like us to have a heart to heart later but I'm tired of always being the one to instigate peace.