Friend's wife is jealous of me!

[yingers74]

I have a close male friend who I have known for years and years. He has recently told me his wife is jealous of me and so does not want us all to meet up. He is happy to see me without her around which probably does not help. It is a long story but basically he has always had a on-off, rollercoaster of a relationship with her. As we were friends he told me all the details, I won't put them here, but as a result I have always been a bit wary of her. Anyway, before they got married, he phoned me a lot to discuss his doubts about marriage. I made the decision that once he got married i would not get involved when he moaned about his wife, and i have kept true to this. However, she read an email from me before they got married saying that I hope he had made the right decision and understandably she is not happy with me. He has not helped matters by defending me. He says that she does not hate me just that she feels she cannot compete with our friendship. I don't know how to react to this really, I have never been in this position and am uncomfortable with it. We are just friends and she certainly has nothing to worry about in that respect but we do have a lot in common. I feel like a real bitch, yet would i feel this way if he was a she?

[Tinker]

I have been in this position and don't think there's a lot you can do about it. You can't insist on seeing him if it upsets his wife. She is his first priority now I suppose. Has there ever been anything, even if not acted upon, between you? I'm not a great believer in truly platonic relationships

[yingers74]

Nothing really although when we were at uni there was the usual flirting via insults, although soon after i started a long term relationship.

[Tinker]

I wonder if he's carried a torch for you though and his wife has picked up on it? It's not very nice when it happens is it? Why did he still have an old email of yours?

[Who]

Just stumbled in - hope you won't mind me adding something?

I was the jealous wife very similar to the wife in your situation.

I understand your confusion about all this. Your male friend needs to understand that no matter how he feels for you, whether it is just friendship or something more, he has a duty to his wife, who he married in love and with promises. IF this is the story he is telling you about his rollercoaster marriage, then please, for the wife's sake and for you friends marriage, back off for a while. Let their marriage take a natural course to finishing or repairing. Your male friend needs to make this decision whether he loves his wife and wants to stay with her, or not. IF he does not then he should tell her and leave, not put her through more agony - imaginary or otherwise... she cannot help how she feels.

I hope this is ok, and that you don't hate me for saying these things from my heart.

I know it must sound terrible about this Jealous wife thing but it is a real emotion and can do a lot of damage to someone. (Mentally).

Of course be there for your friend but may I suggest that you back off where you are able to.

Please don't hate me???

[yingers74]

Tinker, goodness knows. I don't think he carries a torch for me, we do just get on very well, largely as we share the same sense of humour.

who - i don't hate you for your advice, i appreciate it and will certainly back off although I have not seen him for probably 5 months so why this has all come up now I don't know! Just so you know, the marriage is not in trouble and he certainly has no plans to ditch her. Please don't think this is what I want, as it is definitely not. As with all my female friends, if they are happy then i am, if they are not then that is a diff story.

[yingers74]

Have slept on this now and think I will definitely keep my head down. i don't want to exacerbate the problem. He plans to tell her that he has told me! Do you think it will make things worse? Thanks for listening to my rant

[Who]

Argh, I had all this typed out ready to send and pc crashes!!!

Try again.

Yes I believe this would make the situation worse. Ask him not to involve you as this is not fair on you or on his wife.

Why is he involving you anyway?

I think you need to talk to this man and let him know that no matter how much he likes you and you like him, you must not get involved. He must sort his own marriage out. It seems to me that he is using you as an excuse to end his marriage. Please don't let him.

Ask yourself a few questions:
1)do you want to be the person who is named on the divorce papers.
2) do you really want to be used like this?
3) do you know of any reason why you should be the one to hurt his wife.
4) are there children involved
5) what happens with your life/relationship/children etc.
6) the wife will blame you. do you want this label and have nothing to show for it?
7) most of all... why do you think she is jealous of you, why does this friend think so?


Thank you for not hating me - I still hope you don't.
All I remember from my experience of this is that I made a big fool of myself. Not because I was wrong, he was fooling me, they were... but because I handled it so badly. I lost control because I thought I had lost my world.
I still don't know the truth. I am still very very bitter.

I do wish you luck but do not wish you to be the "other woman", even if you don't intend it... you are being put in that position.

{{{{Hugs}}}}

[Caligula]

Yingers, it's a bit odd that as he is such an old friend of yours, he hasn't managed to integrate your friendship into his relationship - you should be her friend by now, even if it is only via him, iyswim.

It sounds like he has maybe unconsciously kept you as a separate part of his life from her, which is why she is so jealous of you. Reasonably, imo. It's one of those things where when there are two women involved with the same man, the only way that can work is if they know and trust each other. And that obviously hasn't happened here, for whatever reason.

[yingers74]

hello Caliqula, I guess the reason why I have never become friendly with his partner is that they were so on and off, and also because we don't actually see very much of each other!!! we are good friends but on the whole we only really talk on the phone and email. I never really thought about it before to be honest, but it is rather strange that i hardly know her. I knew some of my friends' short term boyfriends better!!

Who - still don't hate you! I do appreciate your point of view. I was talking to my dh about it who knows my friend, he thinks it is not my problem and I should just not worry about it. I honestly don't think friend wants his marriage to end, he said he told me because he thought I should know in case I phoned and she was rude to me!

I hate conflict! Am going to leave it alone now and not contact him until the usual xmas card swapping.

[Fibe]

yinyers - for what it is worth, IMO a true friendship requires a degree of intimacy - so, as far as I can tell from your post, for you to have a close friendship with him, there is a part of him which he holds apart from his wife - no fault of your own at all, but something which his wife will no doubt pick up on, and feel left out of .... not a good way to feel, especially when the intimacy between husband and wife is "supposed" to be paramount

[yingers74]

Fibe, am sure what you say is true? Not sure what this means though. I plan to lay low but perhaps the answer is to leave them to it & call it a day. I am not happy being, albeit unintentionally on my part, considered a competitor for her husbands affections. My dh thinks I am turning a molehill into a mountain, and I should leave her to her own insecurities, I can't do that though! Dh has some good female friends and I have no probs with them but that is just me.

[Fibe]

IMO, I don't think this is about you - its about him and her - it's up to him to have a friendship with you that doesn't cause his wife concern, whether justified or not, or to sort out the issue with her so she is not upset - that's his responsibility as her husband.

I think you are doing the right thing by lying low, getting on with your own life, and maybe next time he suggests getting together, make it with your partners ???

Good luck

[ripley]

I understand exactly where your friend's wife is coming from. I used to have a lot of male friends but gave all of them up when I met my dh. I think as a single person it is easy to have them but when you are attached there is a certain closeness that you can get very jealous about even if it is purely platonic.

I would not like my husband to have female friends because if he was too cosy with anyone it would almost be like an emotional affair in which he was keeing secrets from me. My dh believes you can never be close friends with the opposite sex as the sex part always gets in the way.

Years ago I had a male friend once whom I got along with like a house on fire and to me it was purely platonic as i was in no way attracted to him. One night he tried to kiss me, I rebuffed him and the friendship was sadly never the same after that. Maybe your friend does feel more for you than he lets on and you just can't see that? His wife's sixth sense is obviously kicking in about his feelings. So even though you are in no way interested in him in that way, it's good that you have decided to lie low.

[orangina]

i think it can be a very tricky issue, having platonic friends of the opposite sex, and how marriage can affect that. I personally don't see why I should give up the friends I have had for years and years because i am now married, but if i'm honest, my dh is a firm beleiver of the "men and women can never be friends without sex getting in the way" thing.... I have a very gd male friend who has confided many things to me over the years, not just to do with relationships etc. He and dh get along ok, but to be honest, they don't have a massive amount in common beyond me. When he split up with a serious g-friend last year, he was on the phone to me for hours at a time trying to understand it (he was being a bit dense about understanding the woman's point of view tbh!)... dh was (and still is) sure that he would jump at any chance with me if he got it, and who knows, maybe he is right. But I feel that if he (dh) trusts me, then it doesn't matter what the other person might want in an ideal/fantasy world. What am I saying? I think you are right to lie low, and I also think that you (or whoever said it) is right to say it is HIS problem to sort out if his g/f or wife is unhappy about you and his relationship with you. But to have no independant, pre-marriage, opposite sex friends JUST IN CASE someone thinks that something might one day tempt someone... well, that seems just a bit limiting to me. Of course your priority is to the person you made your vows to (or dp, whatever), but doesn't there have to be a life beyond that too? I'm not being judgemental by the way, just putting my opinion in, for what it's worth.....

[Donbean]

Im so glad you posted this as i have recently been put in the same position as you, the advice people are giving is so so true and very right.
I have got in contact with someone i have known for years and years but lost contact with again, i was delighted BUT he is married,so am i, both very happily, i was also friends with his wife but i have the absolute distinct feeling that she is less than comfortable with me bieng in contact with them. (i hasten to add that we too were always friends, nothing else) I have thought about this and have made the decision to leave well alone as i do not want to cause any upset or discomfort especially as they are expecting a baby.
We may meet up again in later years but it will only be if and when she is comfortable with it.
Listen to your gut instincts and you wont go far wrong.

[Who]

IMO, I am pleased for you making this decision. I know in my heart that you don't hate me btw, but I didn't want to cause you more heartache by perhaps suggesting something you didn't want to hear.

The last thing you need is a fly in the ointment. You sound as tho you have your head screwed on.

Sure, I agree that we should have good friends away from our marriage but IMHO, I don't believe men and women can be that close without causing a rift somewhere.

I was close to a man once when I was first engaged. He was so upset and depressed, I just went out for a drink with him to look after him. Didn't fancy him, not my type! But I nearly lost my then Fiance.... (wish I had but thre you go)
I encouraged my ex (when we were married) to be a part of my friendship circle - mainly women. He had been working away and managed to get a job closer so I thought it only fair to share my happiness with him. ha ha... he got far too close to one of them and that's what made me lose it.... I lost him too. Found my life, but it hurt.

Without sounding too condescending, good for you - and your dh.

[Shopgal]

I too have a best friend who happens to be male, we have been friends for close on 14 years and he is a lot younger than I. I will say this, while we are the "perfect" couple as in we share the same interests, goals and ideas, we are so compatible it is scary. While we have never denied sexual tension between us, we do not act on it based on mutual respect. And yes, he is married. He has told me he loves me and he has told me his wife is insecure about me, however, I reminded him to remind his wife that while he and I have what we have, we had this BEFORE he got married! At the end of the day it was she he walked down the isle with and had children with... so there you have it ladies.

[springydaffs]

He plans to tell her that he has told me!

I think he is a bastard. I'd also take with a pinch of salt his accounts of her and her behaviour - it could well be he's torturing her emotionally, using you amongst other things, hence her 'flakiness'.