Feeling like I don't know who I am, what I want, where I'm going.. Long and Rambling...

[Mumooms]

I'm a long time lurker, infrequent poster, but have namechanged for this.

Ok this might be long so please bear with me...

I am a SAHM with one Dd of 13mnths, been with my husband for nearly 5 years, married for 3. When I fell pregnant with Dd I was in my first year of university (she was a surprise!) but decided to withdraw as it wasn't the right course for me.

Fast-forward a few months and we had to move to the other side of the country for Dh's work, Dd was born, then 6 months later moved back again.

So thats the background, here's my problem...

I feel trapped, as if I'm living in my own little bubble and will never be able to get out of it. I've never had a proper full time job, and feel like I've missed out on the chance to find out who I am, who I want to be, what interests me, to use my brain a bit, you know? I'm relatively intelligent, got AAB in A levels but I feel like I'm not doing anything with it.

Just recently I feel like i cant even have a conversation with people because I have nothing to talk about.. no work, no hobbies, no real friends here... I always end up talking about my daughter and my driving lessons

All this is not helped by the fact I have an identical twin sister who, when we finished our A Levels, decided she didnt want to go to uni and would instead stay at home while her fiance went out to work, then they would have kids quite early. What actually happened in the end was she got a job, learnt to drive, split up with her fiance, met someone else on the internet, moved to scotland and guess what?? She is now at university!! And here I am doing with a baby, no degree, no driving license (but working on it) and feeling like I'm slowly losing all direction and meaning in my life.. I love Dd to bits, but I was only 19, nearly 20 when she was born. Ideally we would have waited about 5/6 years..

But what the hell do I do to sort myself out?? Do I get a job? I could work part time and have MIL look after Dd which would help our finances, and help me get a bit of an identity back.. or i could go back to uni, a different course etc, and try to build a career for myself? However I dont think we can feasibly afford that right now.

I know no-one will be able to wave a magic wand and sort it all out for me.. but any suggestions would be gratefully received

[Baffy]

If you don't work at the moment, then surely there is no reason why you can't go to college or uni? It's not as if you would be giving up an income (iyswim!).

If MIL could look after dd then that is an excellent start.

You could look into going to uni or even look at Open University courses or something like that, which would be much less demanding than a degree, give you some confidence/friends/qualifications, and maybe also give you enough spare time to also have a part time job and bring some money in too.

Start reseaching on the internet. Just go for it! I bet you'll be so much happier if you just take that step and look into your options

[NomDeBroomstick]

Hi mumooms

You mention going back to Uni. Do you know what course you'd do ? You certainly seem to have the grades to get onto a course.

However, you are young, you do have plenty of time to 'find yourself' (sorry for the cringy turn of phrase). In your shoes, I think I would take on a p/t job doing something that interested me (perhaps in a similar field to what you see as your future profession). That way the bank balance looks a little healthier, you get a bit of headspace back and some new adult company and you gain a bit of experience in your chosen field.

[NomDeBroomstick]

Baffy, Uni isn't free


Some courses are subsidised, but very few are totally free

[Baffy]

Nom sorry!

Obviously showing my age there!! When I went it was - and I got a grant and student loans (which all went on alcohol and clothes!).
And I'm only 29! I forget how it's all changed!

[NomDeBroomstick]

lol, you old gimmer

[Baffy]

[Mumooms]

I don't know for definate what course I would do, but I would seriously consider Law as an option.. although I dont want the stress, long hours and un-family-friendliness of a career as a Lawyer or Barrister , but other legal professions might work for me.

I dont 100% trust myself in my choices though, as I really thought I was interested in my last course (geography) but it seems I tend to latch onto things and convince myself thats what I'm interested in when I'm really and truly not.

I would have to pay the uni fees for the first year at least as my LEA paid for it the first time around, so at the moment it doesnt look like a likely option

[NomDeBroomstick]

I would look at getting a job in the industry. It'll give you a better insight into what the job really entails, you'll be better placed to make a decision. In some cases employers will pay for training too .

I know one woman who started as an admin bod at a local legal firm, her company paid for her to become a legal secretary and then paid a certain amount to her training to become a legal exec.

[Baffy]

could you try to get a job working for a solicitors or something and try and get a bit more of a feel for what it's like before going for the qualification?

a very good friend of mine has just qualified as a solicitor, she has a young daughter and worked really hard to balance being a parent with the studying, but she is doing amazingly well now.

if you're very unsure, then maybe nom's suggestion of working for a while so that you can figure out exactly what you enjoy and get a bit of experience will be best. probably best not to start a course until you're very sure it's what you want - that way you will have the drive and incentive to stick to it

[Elizabetth]

You can get student loans though that (I think) you don't have to pay back until you start earning a certain level. You'd have to see it as an investment for your future.

Have you thought what you'd enjoy doing, just forgetting about the career for the moment? If I went back now I'd do archeology which I reckon would be fun, or maybe zoology. When I applied to university I somehow managed to ignore all the courses I'd find interesting. The key, as you seem to be aware, is finding something that you'd be happy spending three years studying.

[NomDeBroomstick]

That's true Elizabetth, but it's also got to be something that gives Mumooms a decent hange of getting a job at the end of her 3 years intellectual and financial investment

[NomDeBroomstick]

a decent chance, I meant

[bookwormmum]

You may be able to claim your first year at university as a 'false start' where you can swop to another course after the first year and you still get your fees paid for the length of your new course. I think it depends on how you left your first course though - did you pass the year or just leave? Personally I'd suggest booking an interview with a Connexions advisor locally to help you look at all your options, further study, looking for paid work or voluntary work. They'll be able to advise you on help for childcare as well.

[beller]

How about legal executive or soemthign liek that? Im sure with some jobs like that you can qualify as you go along? Might be wrong..but do day release at college?
Just an idea...definately go for something xx

[sweetheart]

Mumooms,

I think every new mother looses their identity for a while with a new baby. With your situation it is obviously worse.

I had a baby at 19, no career, no uni etc etc etc.

I worked part time as an accounts assistant to:-

1. earn some money to keep us afloat
   
2. have some time to myself, meet people, excercise my brain (all the things you listed).
   
   Once dd was at nursery I increased my hours and as she has increased her schooling I have worked more. I also took on a college course which my company paid for. I took one day a week off to go to college and am now well trained in my job. I could do a uni course if I wanted and work would pay for that too. I have been promoted through the years. Dd is now 7 and I am Co Sec of a company.
   
   It is possible to find places that are willing to take you on part time and for you to still be part of the team. There are lots of places that will offer to pay for your training too.
   
   My dd was "an accident" and during the hard times when I was 19/20 I wondered what I'd done with my life. I'm 26 now and love my kids and have a good career - it is possible!!!!
   
   Chin up - think what you'd like to do and go after it!

[Mumooms]

I think looking for admin type jobs in law firms etc, would be a good idea, to see if that's what I want to do. If I find law isnt for me, I havent lost anything but I will have gained some admin experience. I can then look at my options re going back to uni or not.

Bookwormmum I didnt take the first year exams as I left before the year finished, well actually I got an "interruptoin of studies" for the part of the year that was left and the next academic year. Which meant I was due to go back to uni this year to re-start the first year all over again, but obviously I havent and withdrew instead. I think I could have swapped to a different course, but to be honest I couldnt make the commitment without being sure it was what I really wanted.

I'm pretty certain that being a full time SAHM is not going to leave me fulfilled enough in the long term, I mean I've only been doing it for a year and I'm already feeling lost

At least I have DH's family that I can rely on, hardly speak to my family, but MIL and her husband have both retired early-ish (in their 50's) and really dote on Dd. MIL has said she would be willing to have have her part time at least.

[cestlavie]

That's great advice from Baffy and Nom, especially on the legal side and I'd echo that. Getting a position at a law firm or solicitors, even as a part time PA or temp would give you a job, adult company, an insight into the legal profession and money which you could set aside towards a qualification. With your a-levels then not having a degree shouldn't make any difference at this stage.

Pull together a CV and speak to the local job centre to see if they know of any positions going, check specialist legal recruitment sites and even, if you're feeling like really going for it, just phone law firms directly and ask to speak to personnel and explain your situation and what you're looking for. At the same time, speak to the university you were enrolled at and see where you are with returning, doing remote studies, p/t studies etc in the future - see also whether you can get any credit for your study to date. Speak with the Law Society as well to see if they can help or have got any thoughts on where you are. Ditto the LEA. Both might know of bursaries or funding sources.

If you choose law, there are loads of different routes to go down. Being a barrister is actually a very flexible job if you're a parent as you're self-employed (some friends of mine are both barristers). Equally, being a solicitor doesn't mean long hours in a city law firm if you don't want - even magic circle firms have departments where you work reasonable hours whilst smaller city firms and provincial solicitors often stick pretty closely to 9-6. If you don't want a f/t job, you could look at being a para-legal or going in-house legal in a company.

(Don't practice law by the way but studied it and have a lot of mates who still do it!)

[Niecie]

You can do law at the OU, Mumoons. That means you can study and split the fees over a longer period of time than if you did a 3 year course at a full-time university. They also subsidise the fees too if your household income is low.

Alternatively you could do any OU degree which interests you and then spend a couple of years at law school instead of one. The advantage of that is that you can pick whichever courses interest you rather than committing to one subject.

The other advantage of the OU is that you can study and work at the same time.

I have to say, having got a law degree myself and knowing a lot of lawyers (I didn't end up a lawyer myself), it can be a high pressured job if you want to be a city lawyer but it doesn't have to be. In the long run you can work for yourself doing your own hours or you can work a small practice. It is a flexible sort of career once your training is over.

You need to be sure that you are making the right choice so have a look at the connexions stuff, think about what you wanted to do when you were younger and what you have enjoyed doing in the past. Don't think you have to do a degree now either. If you have an idea of what you want to do and you don't need to do a degree to do it then don't feel you have to go to university just because your A levels were so good. Just do what you enjoy for the time being and see where it leads.

[bookwormmum]

It's possible at loads of universities to do 'taster courses' in law - my old university certainly runs one - so you can be sure that it's a degree you'd enjoy doing and you can probably get credits towards a three-year degree which would save you a module or two. It might be worth investigating this, either at your local uni or with the OU. It's not wholly essential to have a law degree to work in law - sometimes having a degree in something outside of your profession gives you an edge in applications since you have something different to talk about than a straight-law graduate.