Step Grandparent Thing- How would you handle this?

[PregnantGrrrl]

OK, sorry if this is long!

DH's mother died from cancer the year i got pregnant with DS. I knew and loved her for many years before she died, and obviously DH did too.

DH's parents seperated a long time before i met him. FIL left MIL for who is now STEP-MIL in quite a underhand spiteful way. MIL had nervous breakdown, wouldn't divorce him and FIL and STEP MIL only married after MIL died.

DH hadn't spoken to his father since the split- they only spoke again at MIL's funeral after many years, and since DS was born we have had a reasonable relationship with him (he dotes on DS) and his wife. Although STEP MIL is a bit full on sometimes, she clearly loves DS very much, and has helped us out with little things- like driving me to a scan when our car was knackered.

FIL is referred to as Grampa-[First Name], and she is referred to by her first name. DH, SIL and I all feel like her being called 'Gran' or something similar is a bit much for us- as though it's forgetting about 'real' MIL, and would be v. disrespectful since STEP MIL was 'other woman' for years etc etc. STEP MIL had never asked to be called anything different, and has always seemed happy with being called by her first name.

HOWEVER- when DS had his birthday a few months ago, they brought a specially made card with an odd pet name down for her name. SIL told us that a drunken STEP MIL told her she wanted to be called this pet name from now on by any kids we / SIL have. It's a ridiculous name, and we've only just been able to stop giggling at it (in private!)

FIL and STEP MIL haven't mentioned this to us though- they didn't explain the card, and nothing has been said since. Since then, SIL was accidentally called by DS when he was at FIL's house,(DS had been playing with the phone) and she could hear FIL coaching DS to say this pet name, even though nothing has been said to us.

The more time passes, the more stupid this gets. I want to just ask them outright about it, and discuss what she wants to be called, DH says just to leave it. Until when?!

Part of me feels mean for not wanting her to be called 'Gran', and as silly as the pet name is, if that's what she wants and that's what the kids want to call her, i don't mind it.

But how do i approach this now? I know they are trying to get DS to call her the name when we aren't there, but they still haven't explained anything about the card. If SIL hadn't explained it, we'd still be confused (and amused!)

[Tommy]

it's always a tricky one this - even when things aren't as complicated as they sound in your family

If it was me. I would just carry on calling her by her name until they actively say anything to you about it and then ask them to explain it
Your DS will probably call her whatever he likes later on anyway.

[NAB3]

I agree with Tommy. I think it is lovely that you are showing respect to your childs birth grandma by not automatically calling Step mil, gran.

[PregnantGrrrl]

oh we can't call her by the name- it's far too silly. Have said to DH and SIL i just bring myself to say 'Oh we're going to X's house today DS!' without falling about laughing.

I just find it ridiculous that nothing is being said. Am i meant to look surprised when DS starts saying this name or what?!

[NAB3]

BTW Tell us the pet name!!

[Anna8888]

Stepgrandparents, like stepparents, ought to be called by their first name only IMO.

[PregnantGrrrl]

NAB3- i'm trying to find a balance between DS knowing who she was (MIL) and knowing that STEP MIL loves him and is here now. It's hard- she's a great 'Grandmother' type, but we can't all forget what's happened or how much we loved MIL.

[PregnantGrrrl]

NAB3- i can't. It's so silly.

The worst thing is, it's some 'nonsense' name her own daughter called her when she was little (so it's special to her), but it's sort of rude in a way, and i don't think she realises

[auntyspanonherbroomstick]

Hmmm - we're in a similar situation with DP's parents and their respective new partners. DD has 3 grandad's and she's so confused, bless her.....
We've decided to call Step-IL :"Grandpa[insertname]" and non-stepIL "Grandad".

Eventually when we can explain the situation to DD she can drop the real names.

DD has a stupid pet name for one of her 3 grandma's (!) and it grates on me, but it actually helps sometimes.

I don't think it's unreasonable NOT to want to call your StepIL 'Gran', although I suspect your MIL would understand

Not sure any of that helps!

[TellusMater]

You also need to see things from the child's POV.

We call my mum's partner by his name, and so have our children. But he has always been around, and in their eyes is no different to any of their "real" grandparents.

I was saying something about having two grandads, and ds said "but X is just like a grandad isn't he"? And he is. He's not my Dad (although I have no 'issues' at all with him) but he is their grandad in all but name.

[RubyShivers]

it is really tricky
My DS calls his step grandma "nana" which seems to work well enough
TBH your situation sounds pretty tricky - not sure about going down the pet name route at all

[PregnantGrrrl]

tellusmater- i agree. i see no reason why my kids should have to know the whole sordid saga of a broken marriage from before they born, and in all but name, she IS his grandmother. But so is (was) MIL. It's a toughie.

[PregnantGrrrl]

themildmannered- you're making it look sensible now!! If i reveal it it'll look tame!

[meandmy]

i have a step nan and we have always known her as nan x,
my dad has an on/off relationship with his wife and i havent told dd(17mo) its nan we was just saying lets see grandad and x then one week she was round there and dd called her nan no prompts etc
the same at my moms i dont get on with sd so tell her its x he popped out yesterday and dd asked where man gone hth

[Tommy]

I meant her "proper" name and not enter into any of this nonsense until they talk to you about it properly

I really want to know what the silly name name is now [grin ]

[PregnantGrrrl]

ahem, right..should you be reading this STEP MIL (by some crazy chance!) i apologise profusely for the mockery.

It's Binty.

I don't think she knows what Bint means. It's like being called Tw**ty to me

[NAB3]

Bint to me means daft. Not sure about binty..

[Baffy]

You don't want her to be called gran (which I understand) and so she and FIL have thought up a pet name which shows that she is a little bit more to the children than just every other person that is called by their first name.

That is a lovely idea. And you don't mind it (however silly the name is ) So what's the problem. Speak to them!!


They are probably having exactly the same conversations as you, in reverse, saying how can we ask you if it's ok, how should they bring it up etc etc...

Putting it on the card was, imo, their way of 'asking' you if it's ok. I bet they wanted you to ask outright and say 'what's that name' so that they can see if you agree with it...

I think they have been very respectful, and very thoughtful in thinking of this and not putting you in the awkward position of asking outright.


Make the first move - just say to them 'I've been meaning to ask you for a while, is the name xxx that you put on the birthday card, the name that you would like to be called by the children? I think that's a lovely idea...'

I bet they would be so relieved and happy that you had acknowledged it. However silly the name is, I do think it is an excellent idea on their part, and they are not asking you to be disrespectful to your MIL's memory. I wish all parents and step-parents were this thoughtful.

Please please just bite the bullet and mention it. You'll all feel better for it I'm sure

[PregnantGrrrl]

i think SIL did mention it to him, but i don't think he's told her.

thing is, if the kids want to call her that, i don't mind. It's this pretending we don't know crap that's bugging me.

I did think about getting an Xmas card made for them from the kids with Grampa X and Binty on it, to show we don't mind. It baffles me why DH's family don't just bloody talk to each other IMO though!

[PregnantGrrrl]

baffy- that's exactly what i wanted to do! Bugger DH...if i wait until he says something DS will be 12!

[meandmy]

forgot to add in last post iv always called my sm auntie x its what she was happy with s calling her when we were small thinking about it, it was probably also to stop jealousy confusion with her children

[Lakota]

I don't see anything wrong with step-IL's being called gran/grandad etc. DH's mum is remarried and DS has known both his 'real' grandfather and his step grandfather since he was born, so to him there is no difference. They are just Grandpa X and Grandpa Y (and my dad is Grandad). How is it any different to a new aunt or uncle entering the family through the marriage of a sibling? If my sister got married , her partner would become 'Uncle X' to my DS, which I'm sure we'd get used to quickly enough.

However, I appreciate that a veiled request to be known by a ridiculous pet name is a bit different! Ultimately it's like nicknames, you can't choose your own - the best ones are chosen for you and just stick. At least this woman is fond of your DS and he isn't missing out on the love of grandparent.