Is this the beginning of the end of my marriage?

[ribba]

I have been with dp for a long time - we got together when we were both in our early twenties. 18 years later we have two primary school age children.

We have had a hard year - dp has been diagnosed as suffering from depression, we have had some difficult issues with his family, I am looking at a change in career with all the stresses that involves.

I have tried hard to support my dp but keeping things going at home whilst he has essentially had a breakdown has been exhausting. The closeness between us has gone and I don't know why but it shocks me that I don't seem to care either. He has always been a 'half-empty' person but I lately I find his constant cynicism and negativity really draining. I don't feel that he has really dealt wth the issues that are effecting his mental health - I have been trying to get him to see a therapist but he says he is not ready to do this. In the meantime I am the only person that he talks to about how he feels - and I am now unwilling to raise the issue of how he is because I dread the ensuing discussion.

He's a lovely father to the kids and I do love him but I have been increasingly wondering whether I want to stay with him. The passion has completely gone - I can see us in a few years time when the kids are teenagers having nothing to say to each other.

I find it really hard to work out whether we have just grown apart because we have been together such a long time and have changed as people, whether it's the issue of years of raising small children and not taking care of our relationship, or whether it is related to dp's depression.

I can't believe it myself but I have actually been mulling over the practicalities of us separating - how it would work, what it would feel like. I am very unhappy. he knows this but feels unable to change things.

Any advice would be great, from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

[pirategirl]

All Ican say is, it is a good sign that you have recognised and feel you can put into words the reasons you feel liekthis and maybe, it is not too late to save your relationship.

Being alone is not easy, and very sad for the kids, and if you can talk to dh, or maybe go for counselling this could help. I wish i had noticed in time!!!

hugsx

[Frizombie]

I don't want this to slip down the threads, so am bumping for you.
I don't have any experience personally of your exact situation, but have had in the past, experience of depression with an ex and also in several friends. I do know that when your in that situation you need professional help, regardless of whether you think you do or not, but he has to make that decision himself, so there's not much you can do, bar keep pressing him, which does nothing for you.
Have you thought about seeing a councillor yourself, just to talk things through? might help to get some clarity on where your going? and might jog him into going too.

[ribba]

Thanks.

I have thought about seeing someone myself but it feels a bit like me having to sort out issues out on my own. Again. It's not just about me.

[TimeForMe]

Hi

When someone close to us is suffering from depression it can sometimes be very difficult not to be a 'sponge' not to soak up all there negativity. It can also be very draining emotionally and hard not to find yourself becoming depressed too.

Add all of the above to the fact you are trying to run a home, take care of the kids AND work I am not surprised you feel as you do!!

I wouldn't say though that this has to mean the end of your relationship. I would say you are in urgent need of some 'me' time. Some time away from the home and family where you can get some light relief. Do something that gives you a lift, puts a smile on your face and gives you something different to talk about.

You never know, when dh see's you all happy and smiling your positivity might just rub off on him

[ribba]

I don't think it's a matter of getting time to myself. I do have some time and I have friends etc to do stuff with. DP has always been v hands on as a father - can't fault him for that.

I just feel that our relationship, other than being co-parents to the kids, hasreached rock bottom. I need to know whether it's possible to give it the kiss of life - obviously I would prefer it if things could be improved.

[ribba]

I would love to hear from anyone who has pulled their relationship back from the brink .

[Skribble]

I would seriously consider Relate or some other kind of counseling. They can help you talk through and think through a lot of stuff.

I wish I had realised earlier that our relationship was so bad and had had the chance to do something about it. Even if you still end up seperating at least you can say you tried and gave things an honest chance of improving.

[TimeForMe]

If you were to leave, what would be your reasons for leaving?

[pirategirl]

skribble, we have much in common.

I wish we had sought help, didn't realise we couldn't do it ourselves, and that it had got so bad that one of (him) just couldnt be bothered anymore.

[prufrock]

I'm sorry but if he will not deal with his mental health issues then he cannot expect you to do so. And I speak as someone who is currently undergoing some very painful therapy after a serious depression. I would not have expected my dh to stay with me if I was not willing to at least attempt to make things better for myslef. Supporting someone with depression dos not mean letting them be depressed.

Is he taking AD's? And if so, for how long. Within a few weeks the right prescription should make him at least capable of wanting to change things - you cannot allow him to use his depression as an excuse to give in to teh apathy that he is obviously feeling because taht's not fair on you, your reationship, or ultimately, him.

[ribba]

I am not seriously thinking of leaving. We are not that far along the road. But I do worry about how detached I feel from the situation. As I said in my previous post I don't seem to care .

At the moment it would be because I feel we have lost any sort of spark or passion in our relationship. I don't like him some of the time - his negativity and cynicism saps the joy and optimism I usually get from life and the people in it. We don't spend a lot of time on our own as a couple - I can't imagine having fun with him at the moment.

I am 40 - I have a romantic ideal about the person I will grow old with. I want my partner to make my heart sing, to make me laugh, to make me think. Dp used to do all that - not now.

Am aware I sound quite horrid.

[ribba]

Cross posted prufrock. he has been on Ads now for about 6 months. Initially he said he would see a counsellor once e was feeling a bit better from the ADs. The ADs have improved things but he says he does not feel ready. Not sure what the catalyst would be to make him ready.

He is functioning, working etc. he's not lying in a darkened room and opting out of life totally.

[Earlybird]

Sounds completely draining, and very hard.

I think people sometimes resist therapy because they think 'oh, my situation is not that bad' or 'I should be able to sort this myself without help' or they're simply frightened to open the 'pandora's box' after keeping the lid on their emotions for so long. Could be lots of things. Maybe he's so accustomed to feeling depressed that he doesn't remember what it feels like to be OK?

If he won't go to therapy on his own/for himself, would he go with you to couples therapy? It might do you both/your relationship some good, and could also be the nudge he needs to address some of his own issues.

[prufrock]

Not opting out of life but opting out of your relationship. The right ad's should make him more than able to function - I knew I was better when i felt able to start addressing my real underlying problems (which was a year after I'd been on AD's). But if my dh ahd told me that I was making him feel crappy I would have made the effort sooner.

I think you have to hold onto the hope that it is his depression that has made you stop caring about him - hey - if he's turned into a person he can't care about why should you expect yourslef to still care about this new person? Have you actually said - go to therapy or I leave? it might be the jolt he needs to take that big, scary step. Because therapy is scary - esp. if you have reached a coping plateau with the help of AD's. it can feel like starting to actually examine your emotions instead of just chemically masking them is opening a too large can of worms

[ribba]

Prufrock I think the phrase 'coping plateau' is a good one. The ADs have helped to some extent but he has messed around with the dose (started cutting down without talking to doctor, similarly increased dose). He's drinking too much (and so am I).

The other part of it is when he had the initial breakdown he told me he had felt depressed for years. He had developed coping strategies but, due to one thing and another, too much pressure on him caused those strategies to stop working. And I felt like I didn't know him when he told me this because I had had no idea. It was a massive shock really.

[ribba]

Perhaps I should think about going to relate - anyone been and had a positive experience?

[ribba]

bumping

[HairyIrene]

ribba
i have no experience of relate but it sounds like a good move, he will see you are serious and how much something has to change..

the advice here sounds good too

its always the first step that takes the most effort be strong, good luck

[snowleopard]

ribba I have been through something similar - the big difference being that it was before starting a family, so it must be so much harder for you. Your DP sounds very like mine - he is pessimistic and depressive (though also very lovely, kind, funny and worth keeping in other ways). He had a major breakdown in 2000 which resulted in us splitting up for over a year, although we remained close and did not see anyone else and essentially both knew we were working back to reuniting (we had bought a home and kept it; I lived in it and he stayed with a friend). It took him a long time, but with drugs and therapy he did rebuild himself and his outlook. He still has difficulties of some kinds, and fears his depression coming back, but he is much, much beter and indeed happier than before, having worked through so much - and our relationship is better than before. He is my soulmate and I'm so glad we did stay/get back together and had our DS.

There was a long period beforehand where he refused to admit anything was wrong and then, even when he did, wouldn't get help. During this period he almost started an affair that could have been disastrous (she was very depressed too!) and that whole situation contributed to the split. But soon after that he started to get the help he needed, and that and being at his friends with minimal stress I think made the difference.

I so, so know exactly what you mean about the not caring. I know that I did care, but a the same time I didn't have any caring left. I felt manipulated and drained all the time - and sometimes I can still get that not caring feeling if DP moans too much - it's like I developed a thick skin - I know that sounds awful, but I think it's a defence thing that stops you being dragged down completely. Having said that, those times are rare now and mostly we laugh, co-operate, get on brilliantly and enjoy being together and being parents.

I could give you lots of day-to-day advice but it would take ages! - the best thing I can recommend for you is a book called How You Can Survive When They're Deprssed - here

and i found this related message board incredibly useful - [http://p078.ezboard.com/bdepressionfalloutmessageboard depression fallout]]

One of the key things as holding onto and maintaining your own self and your own life through all this. That will help both you and him.

Come and update us if you can, I'm here regularly.

[snowleopard]

oops that second link again- depression fallout

[Miaou]

ribba - I'm kind of in a similar position in a way - I'm sure MrMiaou won't mind me saying. He suffers from depression; has done on and off through most of his adulthood but it's been a major issue for the last six years or so. At the moment he is not able to work because of it though he has done for short periods in the past. ADs do help but he finds it hard to deal with the "mind-altering" effects of them - he has been off them since last Christmas but I think he is getting to the point where he feels he will have to go back on them now. Like your dp, he drinks too much as a way of easing the depression (not a good long-term treatment!)

A few years ago I went through the same feeling of "do I really love this person" - mainly before he was diagnosed with depression, as I thought he was just turning into a person I didn't like. Having the "label" has been really helpful to me as it helps me to see his behaviour as fuelled by the illness rather than his personality. Since he started taking ADs our relationship improved dramatically (in my eyes anyway!) and I would say that, despite the odd wobble, it is pretty strong now. But it did take a few years of "wading through treacle" to get to that point.

The way I look at it now is, if he is ever well enough to work again, that would be a great bonus. I try to look to the positives - we have four children, two pre-schoolers, and he is able to look after them whilst I work. He is very up and down and I try to focus on the ups and ride the downs. Although in some ways I sometimes think life would be easier and happier on my own I know that in reality I would miss him desperately and would be very lonely (plus the children would be devastated); and tbh those thoughts only occur to me when he is having a bad day!

Dh was in denial about his depression for at least three years before he finally visited the GP and started taking AD's; and even then it took a long while before they made a difference (he had to change brands before finding one that suited him). If you can bear to, then do give him space and time. I had to wait for dh to be ready to move on and it was very hard, but we are in a better place now. HTH.

[ribba]

Miaou and snowleopard - thank you both so much for posting. I have only just come back to this.

It's useful to hear from people who have been through similar, and are in a better place. Can I ask did anti-ds make the difference or did your dps get therapy as well?

I sometimes feel like a small child about it all - kind of 'what about me?!' A close friend (to both of us) said to me the other day (in dp's hearing)" I don't know how you cope" and he got quite snippy with me later about it in a kind of "people have no idea what I am struggling with and it's not as hard for you as for me" kind of way.

Not that it is a competition.......

[Tanee58]

Ribba,

Nothing to add to what the others have said - but I've been through small doses of similar recently with dp, plus he also drinks too much when he's low and that distances him further - I can only say hang on in there. There are moments when you just feel like you're giving everything to him and getting nothing back - but the man you love is still in there, somewhere...

[TheQueenOfQuotes]

Not exactly the same as you - but DH and I nearly split up at the start of this year (I had a house ready to move into and he had lodgers lined up to move in here to help pay the bills - and I was nearly 20 weeks pg with DS3 too)....but we have eventually worked through it........and our relationship is better than it's ever been. We both went to Relate (only for one session but it was enough to put all the issues out on the table for us both to "see").

ALL the passion had gone - infact we were hardly talking to each other let alone doing anything else. But now, well it's just amazing.

[snowleopard]

Hi again ribba - just posting quickly I'm afraid...

It was both ADs and therapy with DP - again, it took several tries to get the right ADs. Therapy is very useful if it seems there are background issues - eg I'm sure my DP's depression had/has a lot to do with his dysfucnctional family and burdens he had to bear (such as being the sole support for his mum at a very young age when his parents split up) - and discussing all that with his therapist helped. Some depression is less clearly linked with the past though, AFAIK, and is more chemically based (eg I think PND tends to fall more into that category) so therapy isn't necessarily essential.