Is it worth it?

[WinkyWinkola]

I've just had a weekend with the in laws. They're a PITA esp. MIL but I grin and bear it for my kids' sake.

For some reason, she and I were alone for about 30 mins during the visit. During that time, among other things, she told me how difficult I'd been after the birth of my first child. It was she who had been a complete nightmare! Intrusive, overbearing, obssessive to say the least. She really hacked me and DH off.

I couldn't look at her because if I had, I'd've got very angry. Instead I said, "Oh I had a bit of depression." "Yes, I think you really did," she replied. I really wanted to say, "Actually, you were driving us mad with your stupid, selfish demanding arrogance."

Now she thinks two years of chilliness between us is because of my 'depression.' To her mind, she will not see any problem with her behaviour. She's pretty self-righteous, spoilt and pea brained with it.

DH and I have agreed to go on holiday with PIL and my mum next year for one week. Should I have been truthful with MIL on this occasion or in future before the holiday in case her intensely irritating behaviour ruins our holiday? Or should I just grit my teeth again throughout the holiday and simply never go away with them again if she's a nightmare? Afterall, it's my holiday too and I don't really see why I should put up with any cr*p.

[scorpio1]

If this was me, i would ignore her and certainly not spend my holidays with her!

[WinkyWinkola]

Yes, I know what you mean about not spending precious holidays with her. But we live about 3.5 hours drive apart and my DS and DD only see PIL about five or six times a year so I feel guilty.

[scorpio1]

mine don't even see mine that much, and we are about 3hrs away. surely your dc arent missing out on much? she sounds uncaring and a bit difficult!

[WinkyWinkola]

She's difficult with me because I don't let her do exactly as she wants with my kids i.e. wean them when she thinks best or stuff them full of chocolate etc. But she loves the kids to distraction. She doesn't really have anything else to think about to be honest.

Should I speak my mind to improve future relations?

Who else goes on holidays with PIL?

[Wisteria]

It's not going to be much of a holiday for you is it?

Maybe a weekend away tops but I certainly wouldn't use up my entire holiday allowance having to grit my teeth and bite my lip.

[policywonk]

My MIL is a bit pea-brained and spoilt, although nowhere near as nightmarish as yours sounds. My general attitude is to try to remember that actually, her beliefs, attitudes and so on are really pretty immaterial in the scheme of things, and at bottom I think that she knows this and is frustrated by it. It sounds as though your husband is supportive, and you don't see MIL much, so what does it matter what she thinks, really? She's come up with a way of interpreting what happened that doesn't reflect too badly on her - big whoop for her. I'd hazard a guess that if you were to spend too much time considering her and how to deal with her, it would give her a great deal of satisfaction. People like this are much less poisonous if you deal with them in as relaxed and off-hand a manner as possible, I think.

[ally90]

Hmmm...bit of a pickle!

First thing is honesty is the best policy, but only in certain circumstances. If you put her behaviour into gentle terms ie tbh i was not depressed, we (make sure 'we' you are a team and if you say 'I' she will try to get dh on side I would imagine) felt you tried too hard to be helpful (nice way of saying overbearing) and we felt often we could have dealt with the situation alone as we do need to learn from our own mistakes, we know you are doing your best to be helpful but it would be nice now you have been the parent to take a step back and let us learn to be parents'.

Okay...all that is miles from what you actually want to say...but its something that should put any normal person with normal social skills on guard.

If that doesn't get her a) pissed off b) backed off, well then you can take firmer steps.

Thinking about it maybe it would help your dh saying something? After all she is his mother...which is always what I say to my dh

That's the only things that spring to mind...in future...just find you have 'other commitments'...makes things much easier!

And yes...I just found out how to do bold and italics...and just had to correct it cause I got the italics bold... doh

[Spandex]

You're going on holiday with your MIL? She sounds like a right cow to me. You're barmy! And far too giving.

[WinkyWinkola]

I think you're right, Peter. I didn;t have depression though - I just said that to save her feelings. Why I don't know. And it annoys me that she thinks it was depression and not her weird behaviour that caused the problems. But upon reflection, I think that telling her the truth probably won't add to anything.

Hope I can keep my temper on holiday otherwise it could get nasty!

[thegardener]

Don't do it WW, how can anyone with any thoughtfulness say that you were difficult after the birth of your child. We've all been there trying to adjust to this huge life changing experience and having to deal with difficult, overbearing relatives aswell, i think she could of said something far more diplomatic even if she had of felt that.

If you start going away on holiday with her now and don't really want to it will be harder to say no next time. Maybe you could work out some sort of compromise but holidays really are so precious to you & your immediate family.

[CarGirl]

If your dh is in agreement that it was your MIL who was the problem in the first place he should speak to her. It was out of order for her to say that to you whilst you were on your own and that you response was to keep the peace with her and that you both found her behaviour after the birth overbearing etc.

I think your MIL needs to know that dh is on your side, I think she was very sneaky to say something so uncalled for when you were on your own (ie without witnesses so she could deny it?)

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would not go on holiday with these people full stop. Why do they have to go on holiday with you?. Is this mainly because DH wants to?. Going on holiday with rellies can be a complete nightmare.

Your MIL would not have said such things if your DH had been present.

BTW how does he get on with his Mother. What's his Dad like; is he any more amenable?. I think that you and he (he more so) need to present a united front to her.

[WinkyWinkola]

I'm thinking perhaps a weekend in Centre Parcs would be sufficient. A week is too long. MIL and I will come to blows.

How on earth do I tell them now when the week abroad was all my idea? I'm going to look like a buffoon.