why does my brother get all the help just because hes lazy and i have to get on with it......

[rosebud1980]

Heres the background my brother is 36 still lives at home with my mum, pays little rent has my mum cook all his meals, do all his ironing etc everything you would do for a 10 year old child.My dad drives to my mums house and takes my brother to work every day despite the fact he could catch the bus.

I on the other hand learnt to drive at 17, left home at 23, had a child go married and am expecting baby number 2. My husband works extremely hard and is in the forces but is desperate to leave as it it causing problems in our marriage and affecting our ds.The worry is we live in MQ's and cant afford a house or to rent priviately as his pay is gonna drop.My hubby has already put his notice in so we could technically be homeless in a years time.

Now my mum is getting married (big shock) and is giving up her 3 bed council house which would be perfect for us.She has even said once she would give it to us if it werent for my brother.So now my brother, dad (they stick together) etc are panicking about where he is gonna live but my dad has said he will prob get a excahnge for a smaller place and so the council wont kick him out so he basically does nothing and lands on his feet.

I just feel so resentful that our situations are so similar in that we that we both face eviction except i have kids and responsibilities and he is a young lazy but working man and yet no-one has even thought of me.It was my home too and i still have my bedroom and stuff there.

My brother was on the dole for 10 years and the fact he has got a job is a big achievement apparently according to my dad. I did 3 years at uni but gave up my career to support my hubby and i get no well dones. It gets me that if i stayed at home did nothing and had people rally around me i may actually get some help. I said years ago we would buy the house as my mum would get it at a reduced rate but couldnt because of my brother.

Having that house would mean my hubby could leave the navy without any worry and me and my children would have security and would be settled.Not to mention it would save our marriage and make the kids alot happier that theyve got their daddy home.I feel im gonna fall out with my family over this would you be the same?

[totaleclipse]

Not much advice, but proud of yourself for standing on your own two feet, I bet yoour parents are proud, whether they say it or not, your brother will come unstuck at some point, and will have to learn to stand on his own two feet.

[MaureenMLove]

I've got inlaws just like that! My dh and his 1st brother have done all the usual, 'normal' things with their lives. Got married, families etc, but 2nd brother is totally useless. Never learnt to drive, lives at home with parents still and therefore we have been told by FIL, that when they both die, monies will be split 25%, 25%, 50%, because 2rd brother isn't sorted and needs the money more! WTF! He lives with his parents, so no mortgage, no kids, no outlay at all, but he needs it more!

DH and 1st brother, have already decided if it comes to it and 2nd brother causes any scene when and if the time comes, they will wash their hands of him completely.

Doesn't help your situation, but I hope you can have a good chat with your mum soon and tell her what this means to your family. Good luck.

[CountessScabula]

My SIL is a bit like this

I just feel sorry for her

DH and I value our independence way too much to be beholden to our parents.

Just a point of interest - can you "give" a council house to someone? Surely not! If it becomes available surely it should go to the person at the top of the list rather than just handed over to a relative.

Also, could you not all share the house?

[rosebud1980]

ive had my name on the list since i was 18 because i wanted to move out because of my brother. Ive rand the council and have been told that if we work, fit and are not an immigrant or just come out of prison we do not stand a chance so i dont feel guilty about jumping to the top of the list.My could either buy the house and obviously we pay the morgage but we would get it dead cheaper or add me to her council book.My brother refused this a few years ago because he would have to pay more rent for being on the book even though this would of given him more entitlements to the house. So would you lot say something because i feel like im gonna snap my dads having ds in a bit and i know hes gonna say 'that house would of been ideal for you-shame that!'My brother even said that to me lasrt night! And its shame i couldnt do a swap.Its like they are just rubbing it in. Im nearly 6mths pregnant and cannot stop crying over this-dh thinks i should see a doctor. Its not about me its about putting a roof over my childrens head and having a proper husband.

I just feel like my dad has his life, my mums starting hers and my bro will have his own place through no effort of his own.And im stuck here day in day out on my home while my oh is constantly away looking after the kids dreaming of a way out of here.

[CountessScabula]

I still don't see why you can't share it with your brother...

Then you all have a solution and a roof over your heads

[rosebud1980]

because its only a 3 bed the 3rd bedroom is a box room. I have one child and another on the way. Plus i will end up running around after him no doubt.

[CountessScabula]

So let him have the box room
Your two in other room
And DON't run around after him fgs, if you do that you are enabling his shite behaviour!

Hopefully he will see sense, stand on his own two feet and get himself a place
Does he have no friends he could flatshare with?

Just seems a shame to give the house up, this could be an interim solution

[rosebud1980]

no they all moved out with partners years ago-have there own lives etc.I just wish my parents would look at ways of finding him a flat and making him stand on his own two feet-he works and has no kids and is 36 years old fgs.When i first moved out i had to pay priviately-its only now after moving for the 3rd time i want to settle down and stay put not worrying that our lease will come to a end-we have children to think about.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"I just wish my parents would look at ways of finding him a flat and making him stand on his own two feet-he works and has no kids and is 36 years old fgs"

You can see the problem but your parents cannot or will not. You to them are less "needy" than he is; you made your way in the world long before he did or ever will do. However, to say that your parents should help him find a flat is wrong - I would argue that your brother should be finding a flat himself without either his Dad or Mum to help him.

If they keep enabling him it will get all of them nowhere.

Your Dad is also enabling his son; why is he ferrying him around exactly?.

[sleepfinder]

I've not read all the answers, but the way it looks from here for me, is that he's in a bit of a bad way with not much of a life.

You've been to university and have a family, thats probably more than he'll ever have.

You're a success story and in contrast he's a failure (sorry to sound harsh)....

[ally90]

Have you seen 'my mother has cut me out of her life - long story' thread? Might be an idea to read it.

Really feel for you, it really hurts to see your parents favour your sibling over you because your the 'confident' one and can manage. Your sibling 'needs looking after'. Had this myself. Think the last straw was my mother's refusal to see why it was so wrong that my sister had 'bagsied' all my grandads furniture in her teens. He was fine and well, she will never of asked him for it (he was stone deaf, we never talked to him) and he died in our mid twenties...I was greiving still and to go round his house and been asked by my mother to chose what furniture I wanted, didn't really want any of it would rather have had him back, but went ahead and everything was 'oh no your sister is having that'. That is just one incident of many. And it hurts everytime when they do it. If you complain do you also get 'oh but you can look after yourself, you manage so well, we know you can cope with x' etc...praising you for letting them treat you and your brother differently so for a few moments you feel pleased as punch that you are what your parents want then only for it to turn sour later when you realised you've been taken for a fool again...

And I separated with my family over this and many other issues with how they treated me over the years.

Must be hard to deal with this favouritism in this situation. I can understand the crying over it all, esp being vunrable and pg, they should be looking after you! Not lay about brother!

Please read the other thread, we have mostly separated from our parents due to issues. Mostly read it for stories similar to your own, its very reassuring to know you are not totally alone in this situation, with parents not being what they should to you.

xx

[rosebud1980]

my parents have helped me but not so much as him.The reason my dad is ferrying him around is so doesnt have to catch the bus! I dont ask for money or really ask much from them apart from giving me a hand with their gs and thats mainly to do with hubby being away.

Weve tried desperately to find a house to get onto the market etc but we cant. We are not a working couple because dh is never here to help me juggle the childcare. And not he has his notice in and will have 6mths to find a job and get a roof over our heads. We are in the exactly same predicament as my brother. The reason why dh is coming our of the forces is beacause ds is starting behave badly as it is really affecting him which also is affecting me. Dh is stressed and tired of his job and we are constantly arguing. Like i said this would be a big break for us. if we were both a working couple with no children the fine thats different but we are not. You all know what the housing market is like at the moment. Dh is on a good wage but because we live in the southwest we cant afford anything.

[mumsville]

Rosebut I'm sorry it's like this for you.

I think it's more common that you think. My SIL is like this and now she's in the thirties there's no hope anyone will change.

I know it sounds hard and it is unfair, but you're going to probably have to go it alone on this one. Unless you can convince your mum that your children really need this.

[Nightynight]

rosebud, I have fallen out with my family over very similar issues. I could have written your OP. Different details, same family situation.
the lazy sons def have it all the way.

[expatinscotland]

BIL is like this.

And when they die the ILs will leave him the entire house, when his room looks like Kim and Aggie's worst nightmare.

But hey, I wouldn't swap for the world.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"BIL is like this.

And when they die the ILs will leave him the entire house, when his room looks like Kim and Aggie's worst nightmare.

But hey, I wouldn't swap for the world".


Hi Expat,

I could have written that post of yours word for word. The only difference is that their whole house looks like Kim and Aggie's worst nightmare.