it's all gone wrong again - so unhappy

[neednewbag]

Well , don't really know where to start. dh and i have had terrible rows in the past, lots of shouting, swearing and violence from both of us in the past. No violence from either of us for years now and i hope to god it never happens again. he knows if it did, it's over. we still have the most vile arguments which normally start with tivial things and it normally ends in me getting upset about how he's spoken to me or what he's said. he frightens me when he shouts which he knows, but doesn't seen to be able to stop - he said it's what he does when he's angry or frustrated. i've been on ADs for the last year and the arguments haven't been quite so bad - i don't overreact so much and sometime find it easier to make up. I've been cutting down on my ads as they're making me put on weight. i told him yesterday and we ended up arguing in the evening. i went mad over something silly and he shouted"this is what happens when you stop the pills" he thinks i used the fact that he knew i was cutting down to test to see if he'd give me special treatment - maybe that's true? we've had a miserable day and aren't speaking now. i told him last night that i'm not going to discuss what i do with the ADs anymore so if i cut down again, he won't know, then i can't expect any special treatment. I hate him for wha he said yesterday and for how nasty he's been to me today. we were supposed to be going to the zoo but because of last night i felt bad today. he said he's take ds on this own, which upset me as ds has never been to the zoo before. so i made myself get up and go with them but we hardly spoke ,apart from to ds all the time we were out. he tried to hold my hand when we were out and i said why would you want to do that it you dislike me so much. He said he didn't dislkie me but i told him i felt he despised me. he told me to shut up and walked off. please help, someone

[EscapeFrom]

are you cutting down on your doctor's advice? Because if not, you need to put your dose back up to normal IMMEDIATELY. These medications are very very important, you have to spend a certain amount of time on them at a stable level to ensure you don't crash straight back down again.

are you trying to do this alone? I would strongly advise against it.

[neednewbag]

Thanks escapefrom. i talked to the doctor about cutting down a few weeks agao and she said that as i'd been on them for a year now, i could start experimenting with cutting down. i feel that my h can only be with me if i take the ad s and it shouldn't be like that. why can't he help ( i know from experience he can't deal with my extreme emotions and inability to let go. we've had counselling in the past from varius sources ands he's had some separately to discuss his temper. none of it makes a difference

[EscapeFrom]

but please remember that the doctor said "You can experiment with cutting down"

She did NOT say "I want you off them in 6 weeks, you fraud"

She doesn't know how you feel, she only has your word for it, and if you are not coping you need to tell her this.

On the other hand, i agree with you that maybe next time you decide to cut down you don't tell your husband, as I certainly felt with my ex that whenever I tried to make a point with him, he would dismess it out of hand with "You need your tablets" and it felt like he just wanted me to shut the fuck up and swallow whatever he threw at me.

Just because your doctor says it's ok to if you want to, doesn't mean you should. HOw about trying a different one?

[neednewbag]

tahnks escape from. i definately wont tell h when i next cut down. just sat in silence together watching the tv, so have come back here. i just don't know what to do. i feel so horrible and disliked. i hate how nasty he is to me

[neednewbag]

and i can't bear it when he shouts so ds can hear

[ShinyHappySchmooo]

He tried to hold your hand. I think his heart's in the right place and that he loves you. I expect he was trying to say sorry.

[neednewbag]

maybe underneath it all he does love me, but he can be so spiteful and says such nasty unkind things. i just don't know what to do

[neednewbag]

he just said i need pills to make myself likeable, so i said it's fuuny how other peoplke still like me and he said i just fool them inot it. i told him, well noone likes you at all and he told me to f**k off. this is just ridiculous

[Pages]

I think you have two choices. You either leave; or, you accept him for who and how he is and accept that you can't change him but you can change yourself.

I have had upsets with DH over the years (though never physical violence I hasten to add, which I would never put up with) and I realised after a few years that a lot of the problem was my reaction to him. You sound very sensitive (like me!)and I think you may have to develop a thicker skin if you want to be with him and, more importantly, not let your LO grow up in a war zone.

Do you mind me asking if there are unresolved issue from your childhood that are causing the depression and still affecting you? Some counselling may help.

I am not saying this is all your fault by any means, it takes two to tango, but it sounds like the love is there deep down and if you change how you react to him and try and let a few more comments, upsets, etc go without having to "call him" on it, or show him how upset you are, how he has wronged you, how he has made you feel, etc. you may find that he calms down quicker and can offer you the comfort that you need.

I do think he tried to make an effort with you at the zoo and meet you half way, and you wanted more than he was able to give at that point. It sounds like maybe you have low self-esteem and don't like yourself that much and therefore are wanting reassurance from him when you really need to find it within yourself.

[neednewbag]

well, gone to my normal dose of AD again. still feling desperately unhappy about the argument and the things he said to me. just don't know what to do today

[Budababe]

What do you think would have happened at the zoo if, when he tried to hold your hand, you didn't pull away and gave him a smile (even though you are still hurting)? You might have had a nice day and evening.

Telling him no-one likes him won't help either of you (not excusing what he said to you) - he might say nasty things but you do too.

I would agree you need to stay on the ADs for a bit longer. Would also agree that some counselling may help. Even if it just helps how you deal with him.

And I don't agree that he can't help what he says in temper. He can. I have a terrible temper (slamming doors, throwing things etc) but I always watch what I say as it can't be taken back. Maybe he hasn't had enough counselling.

[neednewbag]

he says lots of people say things they don't mean when angry - don't think he thinks it's actually a problem. yes if i'd smiled when he tried to hold my hand, maybe things might have been better. i felt he dislike me so much why ever should i hold his hand. it feels like the end of the world that he shouted such horrid things ot me and told me to f**k off - i hoped he'd never say the f word ot me again as he knows how much it hurts me

[neednewbag]

Anyone there?

[Budababe]

Sorry - got kicked off PC!

I think it may help if you develop a thicker skin. I tell my DH to F* off regularly!

TBH him yelling something in the heat of the moment doesn't mean he doesn't like you. He doesn't like you at that precise moment or he doesn't like what you are saying or whatever.

For instance - you told him that nobody likes him. Is that true? Did you mean it or did you just say it to hurt? Did you say it in anger?

[neednewbag]

i just said it in anger but i think it proably hurt him as he finds it very difficult to make friends and apart from work colleague doesn't realy have any true frinds od his own - apart from me

[neednewbag]

hi budababe or anyone else, you still there?we're having dinner in the garden tonight and i feel nervous in casr i bring up the argument again. he hates going over arguments when they're over

[neednewbag]

please help. someone

[PinkyRed]

Don't have magic solution, just wanted to say hope you get through this evening. How are you feeling now?

[gothicmama]

The ad's are an important point but so is the abuse your h subjects you to. H eis probably scared that if you cut down ad's you will be less compliant or less easy for him to control take care you should expect him to help you whilst you are cutting down on the ads

[divastrop]

it sounds like you could do with some councelling-or maybe even going on an assertiveness course or something.as others have said,you cant change your dh,you can only change how you deal with him.

i know its difficult but try and put the arguments out of your mind and concentrate on having a nice evening.try to remember why you two got together in the first place,make a list (on paper or in your mind)of all the things you ilke about him-even if its only a couple of silly things.

sounds like you do love each other,it may sound warped but if neither of you cared then you wouldnt wind each other up so much.you just need to learn to communicate effectivley.

what ad's are you on?it does sound like you still need something as focusing on the negative things is common in depression,and there are ad's out there that are less likely to make you put weight on.

[neednewbag]

hi ,thanks for posting. the thing is i'm not actually sure my dh is abusisice. yes he says horrid theng s when angry and he's been pushed away lots. . but also he's so helpful and responsible. like this last few days when i'v ebeen upset ( and so has he) he's done everythig for ds, got up in morning s with him Put him to bed (he always does) entertained him while i couldnt cope. maybe if he was really bad (like some of the dh's i've read about on here!!) he'd just hand ds over,go out and leave me to it! maybe i'm defending him too much?

[neednewbag]

the ad i'm on is citalopram - 10mg

[PinkyRed]

It sounds like you are both in a really difficult place at the moment - sometimes a mental health diagnosis in one partner is an excuse for the other partner not to examine his/her own behaviour but actually there might be a need for a change from both partners. Some of the things you've put here do sound quite abusive - but then only you know the context of your own relationship.

[choosyfloosy]

You are both having a really hard time by the sound of it. It certainly is unacceptable to talk about your medication to you in this way. I sometimes have to stop myself doing this to dh, but it is simply completely unacceptable to say ANYTHING in the region of 'You're very irritable today, have you had your Venlafaxine??' Personality is very odd, and dh is certainly a completely different person on particular drugs, but ultimately you have to treat people as if they are more than a collection of drug levels. However, it is OK IMO to say 'You seem very irritable today, is anything upsetting you?'... You say you've both had counselling; did it improve anything? I think you've done amazingly to leave the violence behind. That shows real strength in you both and your relationship.

It does sound as if you want a very very close relationship with your dh and ds - is it essential that you are there for every 'first experience' of your ds...? I suppose I'm just jealous as it would be amazing if dh would take ds out on his own for a trip like that.

No advice really but hope things do improve for you.

[BandofMothers]

Hmm, I don't think I agree with leave or put up with him
DH used to sometimes speak to me in a nasty tone, very sneering and harsh. just nasty. I told him it was not acceptable. He says it's from years of this thing he used to where he had to play act being the bad guy and it became a habit. I said I don't fecking care why you do it, I wont put up with it. I am not going to be spoken to like that so stop.
He doesn't do it anymore. and if he slips sometimes, esp after a drink or something I just remind him. He doesn't tend to tho.