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Relationships

Feeling Frustrated, am I really expecting too much?

24 replies

auntysocial · 05/08/2007 19:16

I have posted similar before but today the whole thing reared it's ugly head again.

When I was with my children's father it was like dating a wall, he wouldn't lift a finger to help, wouldnt arrange for us to go anywhere, wouldn't go anywhere if I arranged it and wouldn't talk. One massive bug bear of mine was that we had a huge garden, it's the back garden and it's completely wild, completely overgrown and a pain in the arse basically...ex DP refused to help me with it, evem sat watching TV one summer whilst I went out, got burnt in the sun and suffered badly with hayfever trying to do it on my own.

My family would always refuse to help saying they didn't see why they should do it when I "have a bloke sitting on his arse" which wound me up further because I was suffering, not him.

Anyway - current DP - I have told current DP about how important the garden is, how I so want it done so that the children have somewhere to play, it could be a lovely garden if it was done nicely but its so wild I don't even know where to start.

I have also told DP of my frustrations that nobody will help me with it and he agreed with me yet didn't offer to help me himself.

Anyway at the start of this sunny weekend I asked him "will you help me do the garden over the weekend?" I had done a bit of it myself the day before but I really needed help with it. DP said he would help.

Saturday came and he "didn't feel like it" but suggested today.

This morning came, I am suffering from the mother of all migraines but I got up anyway at 8am, had breakfast, a cup of tea, watched tv for a bit...still no sign of him. He stayed in bed until 11am.

When he did eventually get up he sat watching TV, I asked him if he fancied giving the garden a go and he said "whatever" blatently not wanting to so I after a while of sitting around doing sod all I took the initiative and went outside to make a start. 10 minutes later, burning skin...I come in to look for him, he was "on toilet" 10 minutes after that he eventually emmerged, watched me for 5 minutes and then picked up the strimmer and made a half arsed attempt at strimming down some weeds that were far too thick for the strimmer = this broke it's wire.

So upon fixing the wire he put it down and said he was too hot and was going to shop but said he wouldn't be long...when he returned 20 minutes later he sat down again doing sod all, I carried on with the garden but came in 20 mins later sweating and burning...I asked DP if he was coming out and I got "in a minute" as a snappy reply.

10 minutes later he came out, asked "whats up" and I snapped and told him I was getting pissed off as I don't seem to be getting anywhere doing it on my own, he took the hint, picked up the strimmer and again broke it, he then went back in and made himself a drink.

20 minutes later I went in and asked him outright if he was going to help me with the garden or not and he said "for gods sake, I'm sick of doing the bloody garden, there is more to life than gardening surely" . I reminded him that I have nobody else to help me and he said "yeah well, hire a gardener". Yeah I'm a single parent on income support...I can REALLY afford to go hiring gardeners.

Anyway he then said he was "ill" and refused to help.

I'm just so bloody annoyed and frustrated, why won't anyone help me? I see my friends DP's coming around to their houses with tools to do DIY for them or to do their gardens, mine sits on his arse moaning all weekend instead, just like my last one.

I actually felt like crying earlier, I'm so sick of nobody giving a shit about me or my kids.

Am I over-reacting and should he be expected to help me in the garden when he doesn't yet live here?

He's been here all weekend and has not washed up or anything once, he just uses plates and then chucks them in the sink for me to wash.

Sorry it's so long.

OP posts:
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Dior · 05/08/2007 19:19

Message withdrawn

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Carmenere · 05/08/2007 19:21

Gosh yes, he should do the dishes but not your garden. And the hottest day of the year isn't the one to entice him out there tbh.

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auntysocial · 05/08/2007 19:22

But surely if you love someone you want to help them? especially when you see then struggling with something that they are not mannaging on their own?

OP posts:
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Dior · 05/08/2007 19:23

Message withdrawn

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Carmenere · 05/08/2007 19:24

Well yes and no. Yes he should if he wants to but you can't bully someone harmoniously.

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hunkermunker · 05/08/2007 19:24

Suncream, a hat and Beconase.

And leave him to stew while you burn calories and make your garden nicer.

Then tell him he has to sit on an old, broken deckchair as he didn't help and drink warm lemon squash out of a toddler beaker.

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motherinferior · 05/08/2007 19:25

I understand your frustration, totally, about the fact he's sitting around and you're doing all the washing up (have you asked/told him to?) but sorry, I don't think your garden is his job. I do think he isn't pulling his weight in general, though.

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hunkermunker · 05/08/2007 19:26

Is he 17?

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barnstaple · 05/08/2007 19:28

Er, what contribution does he make to your household? Is he living with you? If not, then he is a guest in your house and should not be treating it as if it were his own.

If he is living with you then the state of the house (ie washing up) and garden are also his responsibility.

If he is not living with you, then he is there at your invitation. You can qualify an invitation by saying "I am doing the garden this week/end; you can help if you're coming over".

If he is living with you then he is presumably contributing to the finances (and if he isn't then he should be), so the cost of a gardener should be factored in to your joint costs. He may find he would prefer to do it himself when he finds out how much a gardener costs, (if he's not living with you, then you can't expect him to pay for it, obviously).

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BadPuppy · 05/08/2007 19:28

Agree dishes, ect., but not to have to do the gardening. It sounds like you really will have to get someone in with a heavy duty strimmer or whatever (sorry don't know I'm not into gardening).

Anyway, today was way too hot here to think about doing anything in the garden besides bbq and long cool drink!

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auntysocial · 05/08/2007 19:29

I have told him before that I expect him to help around the house when he is here - this was after him litrally sitting there watching TV leaving crisp packets on the sofa and beer bottles on the floor. It didn't get through however.

RE the garden - personally if I was staying at someones house and they were struggling to do their garden I would offer to help, especially as he's the one that has all these ideas about BBQ's etc but as usual is waiting around for someone else to sort it out first.

I'm just pissed off in general really, nobody will ever help me, I have to practically beg on the odd occasion when I need a babysitter, I do all my own DIY (which I don't mind but the offer of help would be nice) and he sits there on his arse whilst I burn outside despite the fact that he's hoping to move in with me someday.

OP posts:
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Carmenere · 05/08/2007 19:30

How about hiring a teenager to do a bit of basic clearing for a tenner and then you may be able to claw back the rest of it your self?

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Carmenere · 05/08/2007 19:32

Well I certainly wouldn't be even thinking of letting him move in unless he was house trained.

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hunkermunker · 05/08/2007 19:33

Have you posted about him before under a different name?

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LaDiDaDi · 05/08/2007 19:33

I would be annoyed because, if I read your post correctly, yesterday he implied that he'd help today and now he hasn't.

I would also be annoyed because this is clearly something that is very important to you and that he can help you with though he can also help with the dishes etc.

I wonder if he feels that he won't get anything out of helping, especially as it isn't his house and garden? Selfish I know but could he be persuaded if he could see that something was in it for him, other than making you happy of course?

Also, are you either a)projecting your feelings about last relationship onto this one? or b)actually picked a similar tyoe of bloke again?

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tracyk · 05/08/2007 19:34

no helping = no sex!

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LucyJones · 05/08/2007 19:35

Hmmmm... I think you're being a bit unreasonable.
If it was so hot you were burning then he was probably right to not bother.
Did you want him to burn too?!!

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Sobernow · 05/08/2007 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tracyk · 05/08/2007 19:41

I'm - it's been pissing down here all day!

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EscapeFrom · 05/08/2007 19:46

God no way would you have got me strimming a garden today unless I was being paid!

YABU about the garden - it's not his, he shouldn't have to clear it (although I have empathy as I am also single parent on IS, and mine is a tip also.)

But YANBU about the plates - he should clear up after himself.

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bookwormtailmum · 05/08/2007 19:50

If he doesn't like gardening then no amount of begging or bribery will get him to do it, esp on a day like today (or yesterday!). I wouldn't expect my dp to help with my garden but he'd probably help me if he saw me struggling. How about contacting your local council - if you're on IS then they may be able to help you by sending someone to help you with the garden if the work is too much for you - if it's really overgrown etc then environmental health could get involved if someone complains.

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barnstaple · 05/08/2007 20:00

"I'm just so bloody annoyed and frustrated, why won't anyone help me? I see my friends DP's coming around to their houses with tools to do DIY for them or to do their gardens, mine sits on his arse moaning all weekend instead, just like my last one."

I think you're telling yourself something there.

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knickerelasticjones · 05/08/2007 20:08

Hi there - I read your thread and have lots of sympathy with you, but to be honest I think the real issue is not whether your DP should help you with the garden or not, but why the pair of you really don't seem to be communicating with each other.

I don't think you are expecting too much AT ALL by asking DP to help you in the garden. You are together in a relationship so you should be helping each other out. But on the other hand it's not unreasonable of him to say "it's the hottest day of the year and I'd really rather not do the garden today. Can we put it off until next week?"

But from what you've written it sounds like he just found lots of little escape tactics rather than come clean and admit he wasn't interested.

Do you think you could get him to sit down and talk when both of you are feeling calm and just explain how you feel? Then if he feels that he really shouldn't be helping you out at least he can come clean and admit it.

BTW - at least it was hot for you today. I'm with TracyK - 15degrees and raining all day where I am!

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stillcryinginside · 05/08/2007 20:21

I think you should be expecting a lot more than you appear to be getting. He chucks his plates in the sick for you to clean? what is he a teenager!!

Should he help with the gardening?.... well no I suppose not although it would be nice if he did. It was very warm yesterday tho so can understand someone not wanting to garden in that heat.

I think theres 2 issues here, firstly, dp is a waster from what you have said, he doesn't live with you but comes round to see you and spend time with you but from what you say he sits on his arse all day watching tv, eating and drinking he doesn't want to do anything even when you suggest/arrange it. How long have you been together? have you ever dated? I couldn't even contemplate him moving in if he slobs around now what would it be like if he moved in!

Ok, maybe he has a tough job, maybe works hard all week and wants to just sit on the sofa watching tv and have some cuddle time with you to forget the week he's had and when he comes round your busy doing something he's not interested in.

Secondly, you seem very frustrated about not getting help from anywhere or anyone that seems to be affecting you and you could be taking the frustration out on dp?

I agree with the poster who suggested about a job swap theres loads of people who need help with something and are willing to swap jobs, ask around someone might know or have heard about one in your area.

Contact local scouts club and explain your situation they may send some lads round to clear your garden up as a challenge for a badge or something, not too clued up with all that but worth a try.

Not sure what area your in but a gardener will usually charge around £10 - £20 to keep on top of your garden depending on size requirements etc around my area. may be worth thinking about every 4 - 6 weeks if theres no other alternative.

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