This is going to be a long rant. Thanks in advance for reading. I really need to get it all off my chest, because it's just sitting there, making me feel like throwing up.
My husband is addicted to pot. We established this fact about six months ago when I finally told me how much his four to five a day habit upset me. He and I agreed that he would cut back to only one a day, his night-time smoke, so that he could still sleep.
He cut back immediately and I was so proud of him, I made sure he knew how much I appreciated his efforts.
About three months ago we went on a long holiday and he wasn't smoking at all. He said that he felt better that way, and that he wanted to quit altogether. He acknowledged that as an addiction, it was probably best to stop smoking pot completely. He promised that even if he lapsed he would tell me about it. I made it quite clear that I understood that he might feel the urge to smoke again, and give in to that urge, but I wanted to know about it. I think the worst part of addiction is when people hide things from those they love. Nobody wants to live a lie.
A few months ago he and I, and his best-friend and bf's girl friend went to a concert. His best friend is a huge smoker, it has long been a part of their social life. However, this friend knows that dh is trying to quit, but after the show he offered him his joint. DH took it, right in front of me. He looked ashamed, he knew I was massively pissed off, and he said the next day that my level of disappointment in him would help him to avoid it. That was not my intention, I was just expressing how I naturally felt. I don't want to repress my emotions just to appear understanding.
Last night I confronted him about whether he'd been smoking. He came home tasting of pot and mints, which has happened before, but I've never got up the guts to ask about it. He admitted that he's smoked a few times and not told me about it. I was too tired to be angry. I was disappointed, and I was extrememely hurt that he's been lying to me.
Today, he went to work, and we emailed back and forth a little. He was emailing about why he smokes, or "used to" smoke, and I was trying to tell him how frightened I am of this addiction. He has a family history of addictions and mental illness, and of lying to each other for decades. DH doesn't change at all when he smokes, he's a pretty mellow guy, but the fact that he needs this, that he's willing to hide it, scares me to death, especially as we have a 9mo ds, who I don't want growing up with this.
DH has also admitted, time and again, that there are certain situations where he is more tempted than usual, including the nights he goes and spends with his best friend. They drink, and his friend ALWAYS smokes. Tonight, dh and I were having a nice time just hanging around together, although like always he wanted to have sex, whereas tonight I'm just not in the mood. The phone rings, it's his best mate, asking to see dh before he goes on holidays for two weeks. DH is off pretty much off like a shot, taking only enough time to acknowledge that he's putting himself right into a tempting situation but that he HOPES he won't be stoned when he comes home. A nagging thought at the back of my head wonders if he would have gone if I actually WAS in the mood tonight.
On my end of things, it took me nine months to realise that my problem with his smoking was valid, and to actually say something. Now, every time this comes up, or something new happens, I'm gripped by stress. I can feel my heart pounding, and like I said before, I feel like throwing up. I know that dh doesn't control my autonomic functions, but I also know that he'll come home tonight, either drunk or stoned, and pass out quite happily, while I will have another shocking night, plagued by worry and doubt (in both of us).
I'm not asking for anything, but I know there are mnetters out there who are always willing to lend a sympathetic ear, and I hope you see this. I know there are also mnetters who will let you know if you need to pull your head in and get your shit together, and if anyone reads this and thinks I need a good reality check, then please feel free.
It has been cathartic just to write that. It's not a cure, I know, but I'm living in a country where I don't really have any close friends, and I desperately need someone to talk to, even if it is a one-sided conversation.
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Trouble with DH makes me feel like throwing up, please lend an ear (eye)...
11 replies
bcsnowpea · 05/08/2007 06:08
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