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Relationships

Can someone sort us out somehow please!!

25 replies

Flossam · 19/09/2004 13:16

I feel like a complete waste of space starting another thread like this so soon after my recent one and all the kind advice you all gave me there but I really don't know what to do! DP is causing me problems (again) and I could really do with some advice for helping to sort him out (again), if you think he needs it! Really don't want you to think I'm being a pain in the arse IYSWIM. We don't normally have this many problems but what with everything we have bearing down on us things are getting hard.

Basically the story now is we are looking for flats to let in London. There is one area where we can easily afford a two bedroom flat and be able to save up our money to pay off debts, and just be able to afford to live really. This was fine with DP untill yesterday. However, then he saw an advert for a flat for a reasonable price in a 'nice area' right near where his best friend lives. Now he is insisting we have to move there. He is ruling everywhere else out.

I had this problem last year when we first moved up here. He point blank refused to live in one area. It took several weeks until he realised that we were narrowing our options too much and weren't going to find anywhere unless we widened our search. Same day I found this flat, signed contract a couple of days later, managed to move in about a week before my new job started.

He is now doing the same again. He says (now) he dosen't want to live in this area as it is where he works (he's a policeman). That would be fair enough. But he is now ruling out every other area that isn't this one. Because either a) it isn't a 'nice' area b)he would have to get a bus to work (which is how he gets to work now) c) it is on a trainline not a tube line d) He wants to be near his best friend (for babysitting?) - we would be 20 minutes away (from the flat I'll tell you about in a minute). He keeps coming up with more.

It is really stressing me out. He wants to spend more money than I think we can afford to live in an area where transport costs are going to be higher, no where near a supermarket (we don't drive), near no-one I know and will take me double the time it does to get to work now. I'm still not saying I won't live there but the fact that he is ruling EVERYWHERE else out is narrowing all our options when we don't have the time to spare. I just want to know that we have a home to move into by the middle of next month. My baby is due in 9 weeks, and we stand to loose our deposit if no tenants move in here, so things are REALLY stressful.

There is a flat advertised for occupation mid october, not in the original place he said he didn't want to live, two minutes from the train station and the shopping centre, two bedrooms, ground floor garden flat. I'm thinking along the lines of, ease for shopping, ground floor easy for pram, garden would be nice for baby, near train station. To me it sounds perfect. I have told him I'll ring and see if we can view it, but he has told me that there is no point as he dosen't want to live there.

What I would like is some help to try and make him see from my point of view. I've tried to point out that we just need somewhere, that it is stupid to be forking out so much money with the baby, that he was wrong about where to live last time, that I need to be near to civilisation etc. I just don't know what else to say to him. Or do you think I'm wrong and that I should aspire to live in a 'better' area? He thinks I need some 'ambition' of where I live. I feel like banging my head against a wall, I think he is being selfish, he thinks I am determined to live in a sh*t hole. Help!

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anorak · 19/09/2004 13:50

This may not be a popular opinion but I think the person who spends the most time at home should have more of a say about where to live than the other person. They are out of the place most of the time working or whatever. If you have to be at home all day with a baby you need to be happy there.

I don't know how you can bring your dp round to your point of view but I think it's really important that he compromises on this. Otherwise you are going to be trapped with a new baby in a flat you don't like and isn't practical for you. Next step depression, very likely.

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hercules · 19/09/2004 13:55

I dont agree that you should be trying to get him to have your opinion. He is not you and is entitled to his own opinions even if you dont agree with them.
We always work to compromise, that is what marriage is about, not trying to get each other to think the same.
Is there no way you can discuss it and reach a compromise?

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Flossam · 19/09/2004 14:19

I have tried. I'm not trying to get him to think the same, he is going to strain us financially by trying to live above our means. IMO he is being a snob. He is completely closed to all other options. I have said to him we will look at these areas (that he likes) first and see if they are a possibility. But I don't beleive that he will let it be like that. I think he will try and stretch us to afford somewhere for the sake of where it is. There seems to be about 1 property that is potentially Ok for 10 in other areas that he won't consider. We don't have time to be overly choosey, having a long list of what we don't want. I'm not forcing him to think one way I'm trying to get him not to close his mind to an awful lot of possibilities.

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Flossam · 19/09/2004 14:28

Sorry, to make it clearer, we can afford a two bedroom flat in some areas for less rent than we are paying now. These 'areas' are no worse than where we are now. In the area he wants to live he wants to spend an extra £25 a week, or over £100 a month.

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gothicmama · 19/09/2004 14:33

Can you sit down and say xx when we have teh baby I will need to be able to walk / easily get to the shops, will also need to be able to visit my friends and be in a flat tht is easily accessible for me with a pram when you are at work- try and make it sound as tho you need to get out and about to help get back into shape for him etc. sometimes men feel left out and out of control when a baby is due to arrive

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Flossam · 19/09/2004 14:42

He says I can go and walk in the park with the baby in the other area! Everything I come up which I believe to be valid points he puts down as though I don't know what I'm talking about. IMO it is him trying to take control and feel like it is his decision. It is just so frustrating and upsetting and having been through this all before (we found the perfect flat last time which he made us give up as it was in the 'wrong' area he later found out) I was really hoping his attitude would of changed. I'm hardly sleeping and keep getting tearful because I know the next few weeks are going to be so frought and I really could do without it.

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gothicmama · 19/09/2004 14:55

maybe you shoudl get him to write down a top ten of what he wants tehn go and find teh flat which matches best that way he can have some control but can't change the goal posts later - I feel for you - the other option is to give all control to him and just nag him into submission when he hasnot doen anything or it's not right for you (turn teh htables) am rambling now so will go

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hercules · 19/09/2004 14:56

tbh to me the area is just about the most important thing. There are certain areas I would never consider no matter how great the accommodation.

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gothicmama · 19/09/2004 14:58

yes but there is adifference between being in the right area and in finacial trouble and being in a not quite so right but not awful area but having money to live

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hercules · 19/09/2004 14:59

Would £100 be such a stretch for a good area?

We made the decision to move to a very expensive area as the schools were so good. It has been a strain but I wouldnt change it.

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gothicmama · 19/09/2004 15:05

I guess it depends on your priorities and your situation I thought they were trying to get out of trouble
but yes I always try to live in tehbest area we can afford

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hercules · 19/09/2004 15:06

I dont know the background.

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wobblyknicks · 19/09/2004 15:07

Flossam - haven't got any good advice because its already been said but have you considered doing a Blackmail Job on dp??

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Flossam · 19/09/2004 15:11

DP has large debts. We are expecting our first child. Schools won't be an issue yet. We plan to try and save for a mortgage. He has set us out a target projection budget for the next three years as he wants us to work to clear his debts. I am basically going to have to work extra after my mat leave (on top of 2/3 time) to help us to reach these targets. He wants us to move a long way away from where I work so I will be travelling for around 3 hours a day on top of a 12 and a half hour shift. Seeing that I'm going to have a newborn baby I would like a house that is reasonable on the inside with enough space for us all and amenities close by.

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Flossam · 19/09/2004 15:12

Actually WK, I did seriously consider it this morning... but he was getting ready for work and the temptation to bite it off might be a little too strong at the moment!!! It is definatly something to consider... but he might want a package deal for this one! Thanks for making me laugh!

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Turquoise · 19/09/2004 15:26

Hi Flossam. I followed your previous thread and really emphasize, because it sounds exactly the same story as me and my dp years ago. I didn't post anything because we're still dealing with the repercussions 10 years later, and I'm trying not to revisit it as it makes me incredibly bitter. But this is exactly how our problems began - I was pregnant and working long shifts on my feet all day, he had an office job (admittedly high pressur). My workplace was outside west LOndon, his was in the City, but he flatly refused to be more than a very short tube ride from his office, so we ended up in Camden adding about 15 minutes to my journey. He refused to do any housework or cooking, and after one particularly bad row his concession towards helping was to suggest his mother ironed his shirts. I don't want to bore on with my story, but I just wanted to illustrate that you really have to find a way to sort out his attitude now before the baby's born, because the pressure will multiply 100fold once it is. I allowed dp to continue (largely out of guilt that hte pregnancy was unplanned) until eventually he stayed all week nights at his mothers (going out every evening with his mates) because the baby was a bad sleeper and dp "needed his sleep".
Do you go to birhting classes yet? Is their anybody you can talk to together? Because although I agree with Hercules, compromise is the key it doesn't sound as though he is compromising at all and you are the one who is pregnant. He doesn't want to take a bus to work, but why should you have to take a bus to the supermarket with a pram and all the bags? Maybe even Relate would be an option?
I also think it's incredibly important that you are near your friends and support group.
Have you tried writing all this down, maybe a list of pros and cons from both your points of view.
This has taken me so long to write, probably loads of people have made all these suggestions already.

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wobblyknicks · 19/09/2004 15:29

Lol flossam - you could negotiate as to number given!! Well, I couldn't say anything useful so thought I may as well make a silly suggestion!!!

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Turquoise · 19/09/2004 15:50

I meant empathize, not emphasize! But I do feel quite emphatic too

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Flossam · 19/09/2004 16:43

To be fair to him he does have to travel for about an hour to get to his job atm. I am prepared to travel further to get to work to an extent as I will not be going in as often, and in actual fact am beginning to think I might not stay there forever anyway, with a family my priorities will change, and I don't see the point of chasing my career at this time.

I really don't know what he will be like with the baby. The way he talks about him at the moment he sounds as though he has every intention of being a hands on dad. Yes the pregnancy was unplanned but he has come round to the idea of being a father better than many men I think. Yet he is also completely unrealistic and materialistic which is what is causing me problems atm. Your DP sounds as though he was very difficult Turquoise, thank you for sharing your story with me, I'm sorry it still (understandably) hurts you so much. I don't feel the need to talk to relate as yet I'm normally able to deal quite well with the way that he is, and have learnt how to approach him and things. He requires quite delicate handling IYSWIM! I'm still really hoping that he will realise that what he is aiming for is not attainable right now, although he is incredibly stubborn. Last time weeks and weeks were wasted (over a month of him sleeping on his mates sofa!) as he wouldn't look in the area we needed to be. This time we don't have that luxury, and I was rather hoping he would be more appreciative of that. I haven't started birthing classes yet. We are off together on weds, so we'll go and see whats about where he wants first, and see if we get any joy. You never know.

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Turquoise · 19/09/2004 18:07

I'm glad it's not so bad. Sorry for ranting - think it just hit a bit of a raw nerve with me!

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Flossam · 19/09/2004 18:49

Not at all Turquoise, thank you for telling me about yourself. I will have to give him a kick up the backside I think!

Hercules, sorry but I have been pondering this all afternoon. I'm quite that you don't think £100 a month is a lot when I am about to go on Mat leave and have a new baby!

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Avalon · 19/09/2004 19:38

Flossam, is this something to do with work for your dh? Maybe it's not the done thing if you're a policeman to live in this area or that area? Do you think maybe that he even has the mickey taken for living in the 'wrong' area?

Otherwise, what about saying to him - let's live here for x time until the debts have gone down to x amount and we can afford a flat with a garden in the area you want to live in. Maybe then he can see that you're being realistic for the position you're in at the moment and that you do have 'ambition' for the future.

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MeanBean · 19/09/2004 19:40

I think you could usefully sit down and do a budget as well, building in the savings for a down payment on a new home. Then work out how much quicker you will have the down payment with the £100 per month you'll save from not living in the posher area.

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hercules · 19/09/2004 19:40

I didnt say that. I asked whether it would be such a stretch. I have no idea of your money situation. It may have been you were in a position to cut back on things in order to get that £100.

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Flossam · 19/09/2004 19:51

I agree with all you have all said. But this is only a relatively short term solution. It is to find a flat for the next two, possibly three years to save up for a mortgage and move out of London all together. He has looked at the different balances on his fancy 3 year plan spreadsheet (! Virgo again!) but at the end of the day he just sees that we should have thousands, not say 8,000 or 11,000. I can understand not wanting to live where he works, but we can't afford to live in these nicer areas IMO, for whatever reason. This is basically because over £500 pounds leaves his bank account to pay his debts (although I think he may of reduced this slightly). Oh I don't know. I just want to have a nice little home for my family!

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