DH dithering about having no 2 what to do???

[Slink]

Ok i won't drag this out, anyone who knows me will know my situation so highlights:

1. trying for babe 2 for about of and on 6months
   
2. DH has very low low sex drive (may be trying for longer)
   
3. Spent money on ovulation pks and seems to aviod sex even then(although denieys this)
   
4. Desperate to have babe 2 dd 3 and half and worried about age gap
   
5. looking to move house and DH worrys we can't have a morgage (we don't have one now) and another babe
   
6. married 10yrs need sex
   
   any suggestions if you can understand any of that??????

[Chinchilla]

Am totally there at the moment except the TTC bit. Does he feel hurried into having baby no. 2, or is he all for it? Sounds as if he might not want one.

[codswallop]

is dh giving you a hint?

[lulupop]

Undertand (I think) as a lot of my friends have wanted another baby sooner than their partners (in my case DH would love about 10 kids so reverse problem!).

Do you discuss the possibility of another child directly or is your relationship more one where you just sort of tacitly agree to leave nature to take its course?

Is your DHs low sex drive the way things have always been (mine has a fairly low libido too - can cause a lot of friction), or has it become like that since you started thinking of another baby? If so, then it's fairly clear he's less keen I reckon. There could be all sorts of reasons for that but without asking a lot of personal stuff about your relationship it's hard to make any suggestions.

I think the main thing is to talk openly about it if it's something that really bothers you. One major issue may be that he just feels turned off by the whole TTC thing. I know my DH, despite wanting lots of children, always got pissed off when I brandished my ovulation stick and told him to get to it and I think a lot of men feel the same.

Re the age gap, I know what you mean but I think there really are pros and cons to both sides. My babysitter (aged 15) has an 8 yr old sister and they adore each other - 2 peas in a pod. And I know quite a few families with 5 yrs or more between children where the gap has worked very well for all concerned

[Slink]

Thank you for your replys, had to click of to put dd to bed.

Dh wants another one and I am a very direct talker and we have said yes we will try but then half way through the month he will say mm i don't know coz when we get a morgage?? I have tried the lets see what happens but i think that only really works if you have sex every week..month..2months 6 even?? oh i love him but this fustrats me sooo much.

oh our sex life always been this way i think coz he has had other partners and he was my first>>>>> think he is tired !!!

[sportyspice]

It does seem a little strange that he is saying he wants another but not actually doing "the business" to make it happen. Are you sure that he wants another or is he just suggesting it because he feels that that is the next step that should be taken to prevent you having an only child and thus feels obliged? He might be tired but it doesn't have to be hours of mad passion, do you think he could be saying this to just make you happy? PS How lucky not to have a mortgage!

[lulupop]

It sounds like your DH does want another one but perhaps at a subconscious level is feeling pressured by being the main breadwinner (I am assuming he is, rather sexist probably ) and therefore feels more ambivalent than he can admit to himself or you. Does that make sense?

Funding the mortgage is a huge responsibility, but on the other hand, if you've already got a baby, there won't be that much initial outlay, so maybe you should sit down with him and discuss ways to economise and show him that it can be done.

I admire the responsible approach to family planning based on what one can actually afford, but at the same time, there's never a perfect time to have a baby, is there?

[Slink]

Well we had along chat today and i think that having another and a morgage and did i mention that his MOTHER lives with us.

He said he wants another but yep feeling pressured and now i feel bad so i am going to just see how it goes he is a great dad and was really excited about dd1 and when i think about it he did the same then he is very much the when i saw i pg he will be happy but i think it's the pressure to perform

thanks though xx

[lulupop]

So pleased you've talked it through and feel better. I think some men really do prefer to have the decision taken out of their hands, in a way (my best friend has had 3 kids like this!).