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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

please help

29 replies

JJ · 21/08/2004 12:33

Hi! This a note from Charlize on a different thread. I think I have her permission to post it here and was hoping that more people will see this ...

(the following is by Charlize... there are two posts in reverse chronological order)

Reading that back I prob sound a bit silly over some pics.
He has never been violent to be although he has squared up to me and pushed me a bit. Sometimes I wish he would hit me at least then he might be sorry.
I would love to know what it is like to be in love and have an equal loving relationship with some one. God I don't even care about the in love bit just a partner in life who was also a friend.
I promise myself at my lowest moments that when the kids are grown up i will leave him and one day even if its when iam 60 i will meet a man who cares and even if we have no money and live in a shed i will be free and happy.



By charlize on Friday, 20 August, 2004 8:24:03 PM

Thanks jj anfd fabarooney.Its the first time I've been able to tell anyone how I feel. My sister knows the situation with dh and is there for me but she has her own life to live .
Iam extremely envious of my friends. They envy the monet they think i have(although dh doesnt actually give mr that much) But I envy their close and loving relationships with their partners. the fact they share bringing up the children and all share their lives.
They really do not know how lucky they are.
The truth is I have never known love. I have been with dh since I was 15 and had ds at 17 during my a levels. He went to uni I didn't.
I have never worked whilst he forged ahead in his carrer and thinks iam an uneducated idiot.
He constanly corrects the way i talk to the children and he hates my accent. He is a control freak of the highest order whose socks even have to be a certain way in his drawer. {put there by me of course]
At weekends I lay low and try not to talk to him to much for fear of starting him off . althoufh to be honest he spends most of the weekend with ds on x box or at football.
Again i sit in front of the tv at night at the weekend. By myself.
Now and again he will start to hug me but this means he wants sex, so I comply and then he might be normal for half an hour or so till I do something wrong and he will shout me down again.

Earlier in the week I decided to get out all my old photos whist dd was in bed. It got me away from the tv and it was lovely looking at cute baby pics of ds and dd that I haven't got round to putting in frames. I decided it would be lovely if I made a montage of the phtos and I know a local shop that could make the freame.
I spent 2 hrs sorting and choosing pics and it lifted my spirits a bit.
This led me to stupidly think that dh was a normal person and I excidedly tod him what i had been doing during a stilted phoecall from him where he was barking some order at me.
He told me in no uncertain terms that I was Not to do this silly montage and I stupid f**cking idiot for thinking of it. He gave no reason his word is final i tried to ask why but was told if I didn't like it I could F8ck off.
I came off the phone and cried and cried.

OP posts:
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MeanBean · 21/08/2004 13:39

Charlize sounds like she's in an abusive relationship and she's not doing her children any favours by staying with her DH. Her DS is learning how to abuse women, and her DD is learning to expect abuse from men. DH may not have hit her yet, but he will. And pushing is unacceptable.

If I were her, I'd take serious stock of this. Staying with this man in this manner for even a month longer, let alone until her kids have grown up, is just not an option - no one can live like this. And I repeat, it's not doing her children any favours to learn this pattern of behaviour.

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onemoreday · 21/08/2004 14:03

Oh Charlize, look at what you originally wanted to do. You wanted to make a montage of your beautiful children. What is so wrong with that? This man is a nasty piece of work and you do seriously need to look at what you are doing. As Meanbean has said your children are going to be influenced by this mans behaviour, is that an influence you think will be positive? He may have forged ahead with his career but at home he is a bully. You sound incredibly lonely and demoralised. You deserve so much more. As someone who was previously married to a controlling man I know how scary the thought of life without them can be. Thankfully my then husband had an affair and decided he didn't need me anymore and I was cast aside like an old pair of socks. I was sure I would die without him, however with the support of relate and friends I have managed to rebuild my life. It has been hard and at times I have been lonely but when I look back I know that relationship wasn't healthy. I am now happy and have a beautiful daughter and a job which I adore. I have my own money and make my own decisions. I really would strongly suggest you get in touch with relate. Your husband doesn't need to know as counselling can be given by phone or on line nowdays and it will help you see this situation more clearly.
Big hugs Charlize and just remember he may have the education and job but you are a far better person than he is and he can't take that away from you.

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tigermoth · 21/08/2004 14:14

great message onemoreday.

Charlize, it's really worrying if this is how your life is every day with no respite. People have their off days, and sometimes relationships go through tricky times, but your message says your dh is always like this to you. That must be very hard to bear. I hope you can speak to someone at Relate to get some perspective on this.

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charliecat · 21/08/2004 14:32

Charlize, you sound a lovely person and your idea for the photos and is a lovely one, and you should go ahead with it, and tell him to f**k off if he objects.
You are probably depressed because of him, and if you lived in a shed with the kids with him out of your life im sure you and the children would be happier.
The money and the private school may mean something to you, but your children would much prefer a happier Mummy, even if you didnt have lots of money in the bank.
Must dash but will be back later thinking of youx

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nikkim · 21/08/2004 16:41

Charlize, I can understand how you feel and how reluctant you feel to leave your husband. I was with my dd father for nearly ten years and as the years went by he became crueller to me metally and although he never hit me he would push me around and throw things at me, I am sure however if I did stand up to him violence would have been on the cards. We were financially well off and good at putting on a public united front so no one really knew what was going on behind closed doors.

He sapped away all of my confidence and spirit and drove to to clinical depression and suicide attempts which I ended up being hospitalised for for over three months. Despite all of this I still wanted him and it took him throwing me and my newborn daughter out onto the streets to make me realise he was the cause of my problems. Now your dh may not be this bad but it is a gradual process and when you live in a situation it is hard to get the perspective to see how abusive it is.

I do not have the standard of living that i had with him and had to give up life in london as it was beyond my means. But I am not doing bad, my daughter is blissfully happy and confident, I doubt I could have said the same if she was growing up in the pressure cooker of an abusive marriage. I have fantastic friends who like me for who I am not what I have and my confidence is back where it used to be. I am about to buy my own house and life couldn't be better. It isn't easy a d I will not patronise you by pretending it is but we all get there in the end and are happier for it.

Last thing someone mentioned children before, I am sure I put up with an abusive relationship because I saw my Mum do the same. I want my daughter to grow up to be a strong independant woman who forms poistive relatinships, to do that she needs an example from her mother.

Hope i haven't been preaching to you, you just touched a nerve!

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charlize · 21/08/2004 19:37

Thanks everyone for your advice. I do really hear what you are saying about the children and they are my number one concern absolutley.
It does worry me if they will be affected at all by dh but as he is only here at weekends the week days are quiet and content and I never let them see me cry. I have learnt very well how to put a brave face on it. Even dh is careful to do most of his ranting away from the kids, but I admit they do hear him calling me sometimes.
My ds is almost 12 and about to start senior school . He is a very bright gentle boy and is nothing at all like dh. He reminds me a lot of my own father , a very caring person.
I don't worry about him turning out like dh as he not that type of character at all. At christmas he said he didn;t want any presents because a friend in school has leaukimia he wanted to give a donation to a childrens cancer charity instead. So we did give a donation to a local hospice from him.
Also a few months ago a mother from the school came up to me and gave me alarge dairy milk bar to give to ds. when I asked what it was for. She said her dd had come home from school upset because other children had been picking on her because she had impetigo on her face. Ds immediatly stood up for her and shut the other kids up. He really can't stand any form of bullying and although he is quiet and shy he will always stand up for someone who needs it.

I do wonder if this is because he senses his dad is a bully and I worry he is unhappy in some way. He seems a happy little chappie and is always humming and whistling away. He is v excited about starting seniors and he was over the moon when we moved to the area his school is in 3 yrs ago. He is now surrounded with his friends all live local and has a good little social life, swimming tennis etc/.
If I left dh I would have to live in a council flat miles from here . he would lose his friends the home he loves at a very delicate time in his life I just can't do it to him.

As for dd She is only 4 so I know she would be adaptable and I do worry she will herself end up with an abusive man or think woman are to be suppressed etc. It worries me a lot but she too seems v happy and most of dh behavior is when she is in bed.
When the kids are grown i will leave and I won't care about anythig material at all But in the mean time I will put up or wreck my ds life.

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tammybear · 21/08/2004 19:48

charlize, your ds sounds so sweet. you've certainly done a great job with him. does he ever speak to you about your dh? as far as I know, you cant be forced to leave the house as I presume you look after the children full time if you wanted to split up with him, but Im not 100% sure on that, and the website that can tell you is down at the moment. so sorry you're going through this. xxx

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charlize · 21/08/2004 20:01

Hi tammy bear. No ds doesn't speak to me about dh which I think is a good thing as it musn't be on his mind. I know the situation isn't perfect for the kids though and I would love so much to have a caring wonderful man and the kids would see a lot ot love in the home but instead at the very least they see a coldness although i try to be as smiley as i can when the kids are around me and dh. Dh would never let me have the house he would burn it down first and as for maitenance, he is self employed so would fiddle how much he earns.

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tammybear · 21/08/2004 20:03

how is your dh with the children?

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charlize · 21/08/2004 20:18

He can be loving with the chilren but also too strict at times. Most or the discipline is done by me anyway as dh works away. He spends a lot of time with ds on x box and football at weekends. He is far from perfect but then apart from the attide to their mother he can be a good father.

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tammybear · 21/08/2004 20:23

do you think you could wait another 14 years like this though? and how long has dh been like this (the attitude towards you)? sorry for all the questions, you dont have to answer them if you dont want to

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charlize · 21/08/2004 20:31

Tammy, I have known dh since he was 16 yr old and To be honest the warning signs were there even then. But he could also be sweet and loving and I just wanted a boyfriend so stayed with him.
Just before I started applying to uni Which i think would of broke us up as I wanted to move away, I found I was pregnant with ds.
Gradually over the yrs he has gotten worse and worse and has more and more power over me. We have been together for 15 yrs now and i have no love left for him at all I have cried so many tears and i know iam much less of a person than i was back then.

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tammybear · 21/08/2004 20:38

have you thought of maybe trying to do something for yourself, just so you have a little independance like a part time job maybe.

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nikkim · 21/08/2004 23:42

As I said in my earlier message I do understand why you feel that you can't leave your husband as it took a lot for me to accept that my marriage had no future.

My ex also fiddles his maintenace which has made things finacilly difficult but not impossible. For the first year I really struggled trying to budget as I had not had to do it since being a student but going without the luxuries is worth it if it means your quality of life is happier.

My ex still exerts quite a lot of power over me because as I said he fiddles his maintenance. I used to get really irate about this and think there was no way out, however with the help of friends and some careful saving i am about to a house, not a palace but a nice family house that most people would love to have. I was a teacher but as everyone knows the wages are not great so I am retraining for a career in psychology which will pay more and allow me the independence I crave for my daughter and myself. So everytime he refuses to pay his maintence or flaunts his latest purchase at me while gloating at my "poverty" I know that I am slowly but steadily securing a future.

Charlize could you not do something similar, I am studying with the open university so don't need childcare and can work when it suits me. having something to do might help with the lonliness during the week and do wonders for your confidence. You will also know that in the future if you wanted to leave dh you would be in a postition to offer more than a council flat to your children even if he does refuse to let you have the house or fiddles his maintenance. You might even be able to pay those school fees yourself!

I know you said you are not ready to meet anyone but I am also in the north west if you change your mind.

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unicorn · 22/08/2004 00:15

charlize,
my heart really goes out to you.
You are obviously trying to do the right thing by your kids, but,I just wish you could think about your own happiness a little more, life is too short to put on hold.
I'm sure there must be ways round things, try and think in a different way,ie.not that this is a problem .. more as a challenge, how can you keep your kids in their same environment, but also dump the... **rstard? (sorry but he sounds like one to me)
Sending lots of virtual support to you to do what you must.

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MeanBean · 22/08/2004 00:50

Charlize, you wouldn't have to go and live in a council flat if you got a good lawyer. You could stay in your family house. It's not up to your husband whether you keep the house, it's up to the courts.

I think it sounds like he has really ground down your self confidence. But the rest of the world doesn't see him and you the way you do. You're a good, thoughtful mother who tries to put the interests of her children first, and he's a nasty bully. Does that sound like a different picture from the one you've got?

I agree with Nikkim, that you need to have something for yourself which is about you, like an OU course. I don't believe that putting your life on hold is a long term realistic option (I tried it too, but it didn't last long!), but if you really want to try that, then something which helps you to hold on to you in the meantime is absolutely crucial.

Keep posting, when he makes you feel bad about yourself, there are other people in the world who will try and make you feel good.

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MummyToSteven · 22/08/2004 01:00

Charlize - try and get yourself a free initial appointment with a solicitor to at least find out your rights on a divorce, and any steps you can take to avoid DH fiddling maintenance. Just finding out what you are actually entitled to will make you feel better; I am sure that you will be pleasantly surprised that the courts would not let him leave you and the children high and dry.

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Pagan · 24/08/2004 22:02

Hi Charlize

I've nothing else to add really other than what has already been said but just wanted to give you a hug and say you sound like a great person and what a wonderful job you have made of your kids. I hope you find what you are looking for one day - sooner rather than later as you deserve it.

x

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Pagan · 24/08/2004 22:02

Hi Charlize

I've nothing else to add really other than what has already been said but just wanted to give you a hug and say you sound like a great person and what a wonderful job you have made of your kids. I hope you find what you are looking for one day - sooner rather than later as you deserve it.

x

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Pagan · 24/08/2004 22:02

Hi Charlize

I've nothing else to add really other than what has already been said but just wanted to give you a hug and say you sound like a great person and what a wonderful job you have made of your kids. I hope you find what you are looking for one day - sooner rather than later as you deserve it.

x

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Pagan · 24/08/2004 22:03

Oops - pc went all funny there. Well it's hugs in triplicate then

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harrassedmum · 24/08/2004 22:26

You need to get tough girl! (easier said than done i know). Please find the strength from somewhere to sort things out. Think of your children, and how much happier they could be. I know you said your son is ok, but the way he reacted to those bullies suggests to me that he has picked up on what is going on at home. You would not be forced from the house, you have rights as well. Can you take even a little step, such as a part time course or some work, just a few hours a week where you can focus on something for you, a bit of independance, or arrange to see a counsellor. It would be a terrible waste of your life to continue the way things are going now, just because you are afraid of possibly having to move away.

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hatter · 25/08/2004 22:25

Dear Charlize,

I'm sending you hugs. You sound like this man has ground you down, and that's a terrible thing to do. I have no relevant experience but fwiw it sounds to me like putting your children first might not mean staying put. Anything else I can say sounds hollow, coz I don't know what it's like to be you. But please find something to give you a feeling of worth. Please get all the support you can from your friends and family. And keep posting here

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anorak · 25/08/2004 22:45

charlize, you have to get out of this abusive relationship. this man is nothing but a bully. He is grinding down your self-confidence to a point where you don't know yourself any more. I bet you are so used to having your needs ignored that you hardly know what they are any more. this is your life draining away, day by day.

If you stay your son will learn to be like him. That isn't a gift to a child.

My advice would be to make a secret plan to stash some money away and make sure that he will be away when you pack up his stuff and leave it with one of his friends or family. Change the locks and be prepared for a struggle.

Seek legal advice now and find out what rights you have. He may not have actually hit you but it's not okay for him to push you around, or to verbally intimidate you. You deserve a better life than this.

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colinsmommy · 25/08/2004 22:47

Please accept my hugs, too. I wish there was something I could do for you. I have to say that I agree with hatter in thinking that staying put might not be the best thing for your children. My dad was not physically abusive, but he was mentally abusive to my mother. She would not leave because divorce was against her religion. She tried to hide it from us, but I can't think of a time where I didn't know how unhappy she was and that it was because of the mean way my dad treated her. I used to make up fantasies from around 5 yrs old that someone would come into her life and somehow make my dad go away and marry my mom and make her happy and then he could be my new dad.

My dh also picked up that his parents weren't happy together. There was no abuse involved, they just weren't happy together. He said from around 10 or so he used to tell people that his parents would split up after he and his brother went to college, which is exactly what happened.

I'm not trying to tell you that I think this is how your kids feel, or what to do, because I'm not in your situation. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that kids have a better idea of what's going on than parents think, and from what you've said, at least your ds appears to know kind of what is going on.

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