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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DH and I dont talk anymore....

45 replies

losty · 07/04/2007 20:10

....I know it is all my fault, but I dont like it.

We are on holiday atm, and I have been trying to spend some time with my DH when the DC are in bed. But all he wants to do is sit in front of his laptop. So, consequently, I am sitting in front of mine how sad is that?

I have something important to talk to him about, and said yesterday and today that when the dc are in bed perhaps we could spend some time together. (He is a workaholic and we dont see much of each other usually). But last night he wanted to install vista on his pc - and tonight he is trying to sort out the problems.

We have a lot going on in our lives, and we really need some closeness. And I know I have pushed him away in the past, but I really need to talk to him this weekend.

I cantr bring myself to go and interupt him and say 'listen, I want to talk to you' becdause I know he will be cross and ultimately he wont get his pc sorted. How can I get us both talking again? When we were out today I held his hand. (we dont usually do that sort of thing any more) but we should be talking to each other....

HELP..................

OP posts:

Report

October · 07/04/2007 20:11

Message withdrawn

lulumama · 07/04/2007 20:14

maybe suggest that you talk tomorrow, over a bottle of wine and a take out, once the DCs are in bed, and then he can fix his computer tonight and you can have some time to think about what to say?

losty · 07/04/2007 20:15

I have pushed him away over the past ferw years. A stupid coping mechanism of mine. I adopt this idea that if I dont talk to those around me, ie family and close friends, they will be protected from me. but also where my dh is concerned, he has a serious illness and I have blocked him out becuase it has been too painful to be close. Does that make sense?

OP posts:

FairyEdwards · 07/04/2007 20:17

go to relate or buy some wine and rent a film. you need to push it a bit - show that you want to spend time with him otherwise you will drift further and further....

losty · 07/04/2007 20:17

yes lulu that is a good idea. And that is excactly what I did last night! And today I have been building up to it, and when I asked him if we could spend the evening together, he just said that he needed to get his pc sorted.

OP posts:

October · 07/04/2007 20:17

Message withdrawn

SquonkyDonkeyHotCrossBuns · 07/04/2007 20:18

no advice, losty.... but big hugs and sympathy from me.

losty · 07/04/2007 20:18

go to relate?? sounds a bit drastic! And how the hell would I get him there? he is never home, and when he is, ie this weekend, he sits in front of his bl&&dy laptop

OP posts:

lulumama · 07/04/2007 20:18

hmm..does he know that you need to talk seroiulsy? maybe he is avoiding it..the pushing away thing is a coping mechanism we all use at one time or another

losty · 07/04/2007 20:19

thanks for hugs squonky

OP posts:

stitch · 07/04/2007 20:19

email or msn him.

October · 07/04/2007 20:20

Message withdrawn

losty · 07/04/2007 20:20

no, he has never made any reference to me pushing him away. I dont htink he even notices tbh

OP posts:

losty · 07/04/2007 20:21

I have an email saved in my drafts folder I wrote to him over a year ago - basically because he wasnt around to talk then. Perhaps I should resurect it and add in some updates?

OP posts:

FairyEdwards · 07/04/2007 20:21

have sex?

October · 07/04/2007 20:21

Message withdrawn

lulumama · 07/04/2007 20:22

fairy..how can you initiate sex if you cannot initiate a conversation.....

and yes, the email is a good idea. or write a letter

FairyEdwards · 07/04/2007 20:24

email him and just say you wnat to have sex - it is communication beyond any other, can forge bridges more than hours of talking and it is your connection - make him feel you want him.

losty · 07/04/2007 20:26

normally I would not hav any trouble initiating sex. I have done that many times when I have felt us drifting further and further apart - just to bring a sense of closeenss. But atm I dont want that. I just want to sit in his arms and talk to him He is getting v cross atm with his pc and I dont think this is the right time for me anyway

OP posts:

lulumama · 07/04/2007 20:27

dunno, sex when you are not even able to have a real conversation is a bit hollow, IMO, and doesn;t actually help the core of the relationship

losty · 07/04/2007 20:27

fairy, I could do that (i have sent him a text in the past saying I wanted him home from work at a reasonable hour so we could make love) but atm that is not the problem. i dont want sex. i want to talk

OP posts:

October · 07/04/2007 20:27

Message withdrawn

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losty · 07/04/2007 20:27

lulu you are very right

OP posts:

losty · 07/04/2007 20:28

thanks October - I think you are right btw - but there is no way he would be able to make time for that. he cancels every other one of his hospital appts becuase of work commitments

OP posts:

lulumama · 07/04/2007 20:29

so easy to driftt apart, and so hard to get back on the right track

can you 'invite' him to a dinner a deax tomorrow, light candles , have some wine, and really talk, or make it like a first date, and get to know each other again, and remind each other why you got together..if that leads to bedroom action, great..then you can get to grips with the issues

Flip

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