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Talking dirty - what do you say?

(98 Posts)

well-i am blessed in the bra department so i agree with you!

nightowl Sun 11-Mar-07 00:23:35


singledadofthree Sun 11-Mar-07 00:22:06

definately melons - is what i'm used to

SpringisherePann Sun 11-Mar-07 00:21:09

night owl - ha!!

singledad-what size would you want? moderate b cups or giant melons?

singledadofthree Sun 11-Mar-07 00:21:02

dont need to find it - doesnt do anything for me

SpringisherePann Sun 11-Mar-07 00:20:33

yes, do have multiple orgasm -envy...and how long women can make them last!!

erection? It can be VERY uncomfortable...and embarassing when it is ,ahem, inappropriate.....years ago I had a strained groin being worked on by a really gorgeous physiotherapist. It was sheer hell, from start to finnish......poor me!!


nightowl Sun 11-Mar-07 00:19:29

pann if you woke up as a woman you wouldnt need to search for your g spot..tis only men who cant locate it .

singledadofthree Sun 11-Mar-07 00:17:42

breasts are appealing!!! wouldnt beable to leave them alone

innocent Sun 11-Mar-07 00:16:56

Thanks all!!

i wouldn't bother wasting time searching for the g-spot though-concentrate on the c spot!


SpringisherePann Sun 11-Mar-07 00:13:18

think I'd probably spend a while searching for my G-spot....

and then visit the best shoe-shop...

I would dress VERY provocatively, and swear alot. I would DEMAND doors were held open for me....Would play with my breasts constantly...I'd change my mind alot...I'd have norks that need to be loaded by leaning that bit...

and I would probably shag as many men as was physically possible in my alotted time. I'd be such a tart!

no don't want to dress up as a bloke cos that would just be dressing up. want a willy for the day!

with my norks it would be a pretty unconvincing man i'd make!

what? and then play with your breasts?

NotanOtter Sun 11-Mar-07 00:09:05

'stop stop you will make me come'

has them (s)creaming in the ailses

madamez Sun 11-Mar-07 00:08:51

Would you like a link for Drag Kings events? Where you get to dress up as your male alter ego? Messing around with gender expectations is always good fun.

SpringisherePann Sun 11-Mar-07 00:08:41


pann-imagine you wake up as a woman-what would be the fiurst thing you would do?

play with your breasts?

SpringisherePann Sun 11-Mar-07 00:07:33

yep, N.A.O. - every time!!

NotanOtter Sun 11-Mar-07 00:06:40

moan a bit about him being too big that will do the trick

SpringisherePann Sun 11-Mar-07 00:04:03

are you two aged 15?

i think so.

especially the willy thing!

expatinscotland Sun 11-Mar-07 00:01:53

Hmm. I dunno. Never had the inclination to be a man, though.

It'd be a cool experiment, I suppose.

no-would have to be gorgeous! like my dh!!!!

expatinscotland Sun 11-Mar-07 00:00:31

If you were ugly, though, you could just buy sex, I suppose.

Or pull some minger.

imagine if you were an ugly man though or a dweeb.

would have to be a handsome tall man.

with twinkly eyes and a cute smile.

expatinscotland Sat 10-Mar-07 23:58:10

Oh, I'd deffo have sex with a woman.

I'd sit down w/my legs all spread to accommodate my tackle.

and have sex with a woman so i could see what that was like and discover why breasts are so ..appealing!!!

expatinscotland Sat 10-Mar-07 23:56:01

Yes, I'd take Viagra just so I could experience the male orgasm again and again.

expatinscotland Sat 10-Mar-07 23:55:30

I'd bash the bishop, have sex as a man - even if I had to pay for it, and drink loads of water so I could experience weeing standing up - none of this sitting down to piddle biz.

I'd drink a lot of beer and enjoy not having to pee every two minutes because of it.

erections! what does that feel like? orgasm-what does that feel like for a man? weeing standing up!!!!! how cool!!!!

if i was a man for a day i would play with my willy a lot!

expatinscotland Sat 10-Mar-07 23:53:16

I'd love to be a man for a day, though.

That'd be ace. I wouldn't let it go to waste, that's for sure .

expatinscotland Sat 10-Mar-07 23:52:48

You have quite the imagination, Pann .

I'm 36, in fact.

Where the hell is Hull?

TBH, I couldn't point it out on a map.

I really couldn't.


SpringisherePann Sat 10-Mar-07 23:51:20

oh a climber! Fancy?!

Expat is infact a man. He is a greengrocer. From Hull. Married with two children. His wife knows nothing of this alter-ego. Which gives him quite a knowing smug kick that he doesn't get from work.

He is 37.

expatinscotland Sat 10-Mar-07 23:50:18

Too bad he moved away. He took a job in Seattle a couple of months after we started seeing each other. BUt it had always been a casual thing, anyhow.

Oh, well.

expatinscotland Sat 10-Mar-07 23:47:18

He was a climber, MMJ.

And man, he was something else!

He just had it going on and honestly, he could just FLOOR ME with some of the stuff he whispered. Never nasty, though.


expat-you are such a wild child!!!! i'd love to meet you and see if you are as outrageous in real life!

you should def write an autobiography.

expatinscotland Sat 10-Mar-07 23:44:45

Never nasty, but, man, he knew just what to say!

i wouldn't like that. not nasty stuff.

expatinscotland Sat 10-Mar-07 23:44:21

The dirtiest talker I ever knew was a bi-sexual man.

Oh, god, he was HOT!

SpringisherePann Sat 10-Mar-07 23:41:31

standard, isn't it??

expatinscotland Sat 10-Mar-07 23:39:40

Anyone remember that Sex and the City episode where Charlotte takes up with that bloke who calls her a whore and bitch during sex ?

singledadofthree Sat 10-Mar-07 23:32:53

am shocked!!! wouldnt dream of such a thing

madamez Sat 10-Mar-07 23:28:36

WIthout wishing to put the OP off, sorry all but nothing's a sure bet. People vary a hell of a lot and even though lots would pretend to be turned on by someone giving them what they think they ought to want, (because most people are mad keen to give the impression of being sexually 'normal' even though there's really no such thing) you can't be sure ... until you try a few things. Innocent, think of stuff that would turn you on, because then at least one of you is enjoying it - and even if what you are saying isn't pushing his/her (having realised that you didn't state what gender either you or your partner are - not that it's actually any of our business...) buttons then the fact that you are getting excited by what you are saying will be a turn on in itself for the other person.

MascaraOHara Sat 10-Mar-07 22:18:18

yeah but they all tell you you're the best.. it's all soooo predictable.

talk of wet bits and other women also is a sure bet, lol.

Usually commenting on their massive size etc works, massage his ego, maybe read literature togethedr or to him?

OOOAaar, walk the plank me hearty!!!!
Sorry, bit drunk

SpringisherePann Sat 10-Mar-07 22:10:43

Mascara.....can only think you've been very lucky...or your very good at it!

PMSL @ Foulmouth

Callmemadam Sat 10-Mar-07 22:09:30

I take it that pirates are just SO last year

Tell him his dick is so hard and big and you can't wait to have him inside you.
That'll work every time, esp if you say it in a soft husky voice as you breathe softly into his ear, and press against him!!!!

Not that I've ever done that.
Virgin birth in my house.!!!

MascaraOHara Sat 10-Mar-07 22:06:18

sorry pann.. I stand by my statement.. you can whisper to any bloke

"I really wanna suck your cock" and they are putty in your hands.

foulmouth69 Sat 10-Mar-07 22:06:03

I actually videoed myself playing with a rabbit in the bath one day I made all the right noises, looked at the camera lots of time etc...

then when I went to watch it back I realised I had it at the wrong angle and had been recording the tile above my head So all dh got to see and hear, was a white bathroom tile and me moaning his name over and over will never try that again!

expatinscotland Sat 10-Mar-07 22:04:20

Dirty talk has a time and place.

Sometimes it's better not to say anything. Sometimes you don't have to - those are rare occassions.

Sometimes it's better just to show instead.

'Ain't the first time, ain't the greatest. But I'll tell you, if I had to do it all again. I wouldn't change a stroke, cuz baby I'm the most, with a girl as fine as she was then.'

MascaraOHara Sat 10-Mar-07 22:03:58

also, I find telling him how he will find you when he gets home works a treat as well.

oh and also telling them that you f*cked yourself earlier thinking about them is another good line (even if you didn't)

expatinscotland Sat 10-Mar-07 22:02:56

Or the no words at all because your mouth is too full to speak?

expatinscotland Sat 10-Mar-07 22:02:23

Well, I am a dirty ride. Whaddya wanna now?

What kind of dirty talk?

Is this before foreplay? During foreplay - the sort of 'what I want you to do to me' thing? Or during intercourse?

foulmouth69 Sat 10-Mar-07 22:00:35

Changed my name for this as didn't wanna sound like a dirty bitch.

I always start with fantasies. Perhaps one I think he might have. I remember when he laughed one day and said something about lesbians, that night I brought it up in bed, he got really turned on (we wouldn't for the record, ever ever get involved in anything that involved other people)

Also sometimes we say what we will do to eachother when we are alone in a hotel room.

Other times he will text me and describe what he will do to me when he gets home, those days are always long

SpringisherePann Sat 10-Mar-07 21:57:43


<<quelle surprise...>>

expatinscotland Sat 10-Mar-07 21:57:36

I tried, Pann .

SpringisherePann Sat 10-Mar-07 21:56:57

Well, what a bunch of coy, girlie numpties..the poster (male or female, not clear..)asks for a bit of advice on and you lot suddenly raise your fans and giggly nervously to each other over the top of them....wait til I tell expat..deary me!!

innocent...if you are starting out on this adventure, but are a bit unsure, an idea would be to spend a few moments 'getting into character' of whomsoever you think would be good at this...the filth will roll from your lips much easier....

and whoever said we are simple creatures and easily fooled..ha!..we just often let you get away with poor performances out of kindness....

expatinscotland Sat 10-Mar-07 21:56:22

Whatever happened to, 'Fuck me! Fuck me hard and deep!'?

themoon66 Sat 10-Mar-07 21:53:53

PMSL at Sausage of Lurve!

expatinscotland Sat 10-Mar-07 21:46:37

Just call 'em all 'baby'.

madamez Sat 10-Mar-07 21:46:10

Skewer me, stud-boy, with the Sausage of Lurrve!

willywonka Sat 10-Mar-07 21:34:12

rofl at mascaraohara's suggestion of phrasing you "wanna suck his cock" more graphically. How much more graphic do you want, Pictionary?!!

themoon66 Sat 10-Mar-07 21:29:24

MB... just a quick hijack to settle an argument..... what is the difference between something that's a bird and fowl? I mean, when is a bird a fowl? It cropped up during a conversation about bird 'flu today. Somebody said it only affects 'fowl'.

themoon66 Sat 10-Mar-07 21:27:28

I had an ex who used to put me off my stroke by trying to talk dirty. I used to have to put my hand over his mouth and press down to shut him up before I collapsed in giggles and ruined the mood.

madamez Sat 10-Mar-07 21:24:37

A good way to start is actually to read some stuff aloud to your partner(s) - if you've found a story that turns you on. This lets you experiment with saying rude words aloud - which is harder (fnarr) for some people than others and also gives you a kind of extra layer to hide behind should the recipient not be too keen you can blame the lousy author of the piece. Because the stuff that turns some people mad with desire makes others snort with laughter or get hideously embarrassed (FWIW my pet hate is people who give their genitalia names - eurgh!)

detoxdiva Sat 10-Mar-07 21:23:57

obv that should be , not (grin)!!!!!

detoxdiva Sat 10-Mar-07 21:23:18

Agree with Mascara - men are simple creatures (grin), so just saying anything that makes them feel like the biggest and best you've ever had will probably suffice

Nockney Sat 10-Mar-07 21:18:49

Why not just say what you want, what you want to do, what you want him to do? It's not rocket science ... or even GSCE physics.

Seriously, whatever dirty talk someone else tells you would just feel fake - just say what you want, but say it directly and without cutsey words.

Blandmum Sat 10-Mar-07 21:13:07

He might spray Ralgex on her if she said that!

chenin Sat 10-Mar-07 21:12:19

what about.... 'I have an ache between my legs that only you can sort out....'!

MascaraOHara Sat 10-Mar-07 21:10:03

erm.. I just wrote a paragraph but then deleted it as far to filthy for mn and would have got deleted.

you can mail me if you like though...

otherwise I would just say something like 'you wanna suck his cock' but more graphically.. and some thing about you being hot and wet for him... blah blah.. men are simple creatures. it's very easy once you get going...

innocent Sat 10-Mar-07 20:57:05

Oh, errr, either. Does it make a difference, Xenia?

Judy1234 Sat 10-Mar-07 20:53:30

Is it planned to say it on the telephone or face to face in bed?

innocent Sat 10-Mar-07 20:50:24

Well, this is all very amusing, but I thought MNers might know a bit more about this - maybe there are more people like me than I thought...

mousie - I thought it might be a useful skill

So, anyone else?

greasy diry dishes, laundry stained with babysick,sour milk in the teat of an anyway up cup.......give it to me now!

mousiemousie Sat 10-Mar-07 19:59:41

why are you interested - does dp crave this?

mousiemousie Sat 10-Mar-07 19:59:00

just think about what you would never be comfortable saying ...and then say it!

Job done

Blandmum Sat 10-Mar-07 19:53:45

I'm a biologist, but I have taught physics to GCSE and have an A level in it...... But be gentle with me!

Nockney Sat 10-Mar-07 19:52:55

mb certainly seems experienced at this ... are you a science teacher/phone sex operator perhaps?

(How good are you at basic physics btw? Something is bothering me ... I'll start another thread soon.)

mamama Sat 10-Mar-07 19:50:00

pmsl mb

innocent Sat 10-Mar-07 19:48:43

What's stopping me is having no idea what to say. I'm sooo embarrassed! But want to be brave enough!

Off to look a literotica. Thanks

Saturn74 Sat 10-Mar-07 19:47:33

FioFio Sat 10-Mar-07 19:47:24


Blandmum Sat 10-Mar-07 19:46:48

Mud, lots and lots of thick, hot, clinging mud.

Slip on my hot mud, big boy. Fill me with some of your sticky tilth, let me see your sticky clay. Let me fondle your soft , yealding clay.

Oh god, chipping, tonnes and tonnes of chipping , groan

FioFio Sat 10-Mar-07 19:46:29

the dishwasher is blocked again
get on your knees and scrub

Stiller Sat 10-Mar-07 19:44:40

I have a phobia about talking dirty. Don't think I could ever do it . <<<off to check out literotica>>>

MrsFish Sat 10-Mar-07 19:43:31

I feel too silly doing it, hence I don't

mousiemousie Sat 10-Mar-07 19:42:50

just give it a go if you want to - what is stopping you?

presumably you mean in private anyway!

NutterlyUts Sat 10-Mar-07 19:41:05 is good for ideas

innocent Sat 10-Mar-07 19:40:31

Never done it, think I should...

But where to start?

Anyone brave enough to share?


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