My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Moving away from kids dad - what now?

33 replies

Poppy1978 · 01/07/2004 00:39

Hi everyone,

I'm moving to Croydon next weekend, to be nearer my bf. It's all very scary, leaving everyone I know here in Norfolk.
Apart from the ex, who I can't wait to leave of course!

My relationship with me ex husband ended with me going to a refuge and has been messy since. We've been seperated over 2 years. Contact has settled at every other weekend, but now I'm moving this is unlikely to be possible, especially as neither of us drive.

Have any other mums been in this situation, and could perhaps offer me some advice?

I can't say I'm bothered if he dissapears off the face of the earth, and the kids are quite young so prob not too many questions there.

However, I really don't know how to tell him. He is ok with the kids, but violent towards me, so I avoid him as much as poss. I seriously tempted to simply write to the solicitor. The ex doesn't even have a telephone number.

The other query is, where do we go from here. He is not allowed in my property, so I don't know how we are going to arrange access. Can I been made to take the kids up to him? I'm on income support, so this could be difficult.

Thanks,

Poppy

OP posts:
Report
tammybear · 01/07/2004 00:46

hi, i dont know how much help im going to be, but my exp is 3 hours drive away from me, and relies on his parents to come and see dd every 3 weekends when his parents are free to bring him. in fact they're coming tomorrow

from my own experience, i know that im the one who can have the last say, but i am trying my hardest for dd to get on some civil terms with him. im sure you can arrange access through your solicitors too as i was given this option and i am on income support to. you can get free visits to a solicitor if you apply for legal aid through your solicitor if they do it.

Report
Poppy1978 · 04/07/2004 11:38

My exp is such a lazy bugger I don't know if he would travel.

My next huge prob is that we are moving on sat and how the hell do I tell him.

He is very unpredictable so I have real concerns about what will ahppen when I tell him

He has the kids on an access visit this weekend. We are goin to be doing the removals sat and then coming back just to pick up the children on sunday.

At the moment it looks like it will have to be a phone call or a letter to his solicitor next week, cos I really don't know what else I can do.

I don't want to do it like this but I can't see any other way out, cos if i tell him he could start, on me or in front of the kids and I do not want that.

Help!!!

OP posts:
Report
Piffleoffagus · 04/07/2004 11:41

I left New Zealand with my DS when he was 3, exp ended up following about 18 mths later and has stayed close since.
In your delicate situation I think he is going to have to petition for access again and sort it out himself to be honest. the onus is on him as non custodial parent I suspect... I hope it goes ok ...

Report
Poppy1978 · 04/07/2004 11:50

Mmm, he'll prob be down at his solicitors like a shot, but he has said he won't be prepared to comnit to the expensive or hassle of visiting 3 hours away.

I'm not sure that he can pettion for access 'every 2/3 months when he has the money and the time off' which is what he seems to be thinking.

We have discussed this, as I did let him know I was plannign to move, he jsut doesn't now it's actually happening this sat, as it has been a long drawn out process.

He seems to want access all on his terms, and goes on about his rights, forgetting that it has far less to do with his rights than it does for the children's rights to see their dad.

OP posts:
Report
ggglimpopo · 04/07/2004 12:05

Message withdrawn

Report
spacemonkey · 04/07/2004 12:10

i'm only moving one hour down the road and my xh is carrying on as if i'm going to the other end of the earth ... melodramatic proclamations like "i lost my mum, my dad doesn't care and now i'm losing my children" etc etc etc (berk)

if you afraid that he will get violent with you about this what about presenting him with a written fait accompli once you're in surrey?

good luck with your move XXX

Report
beetroot · 04/07/2004 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

aloha · 04/07/2004 12:27

Even if he is violent to their mum to the extent she has ended up in a refuge?
What are you telling the children? What do they think of all this? How old are they? I think they, rather than your ex, need to be the focus here (not saying they aren't).
You can't be made to take the kids up to him. Do you want the children to carry on seeing him? HOw will they feel if contact ceases?

Report
beetroot · 04/07/2004 12:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

spacemonkey · 04/07/2004 12:39

but poppy is not planning to disappear without telling him beety

Report
Poppy1978 · 04/07/2004 12:39

Spacemonkey - That is exactly how my exp is. And of course I'm doing it all to 'spite him'.

Beetroot - I know what you mean, and I'm not trying to take them away from him or prevent access. I'm moving because I have a right to a life too, and for a better life for them.

My exp put me through hell. Nothing would make me happier then to see him dissapear off the face of the earth. But the children have a right to a realtionship with their dad adn I'm am not going to take that away from them.

My probs are - how to tell him we are moving, when his reaction could be God knows what, and how to arrange access with somebody who can't be bothered to do more than walk up the road once a fortnight.

Aloha - I have dd 4 and ds 2. ds is a little slow, and will not have a huge understanding of what is going on. He doesn't understand we are moving.
dd is very bright. She knows we are moving to London and it is a long way away. I don't know what to tell her about her dad, cos I don't know if she will be seeing him or not. She is close to her dad. He lets her get away with murder when he has them, and she looks forward to that and the attention. She knows we won't be seeing Nanna and Grandad as much, and we are going to be closer to Rishi, my partner.

I'm not sure how dd will feel if contact ceases. As i said I'm not goin to take that right away fromt he children, but my other frear is that he will only want to see them a few times a year, and I don't want them to have to go to stay at his for a week, when they will then hardly know him! It really needs to be regular if he is goin to bother. It is all very difficult. {sad]

OP posts:
Report
Poppy1978 · 04/07/2004 12:43

Beetroot I would love an ideal world too, but with soem people it just isn't posssible. I don't want to take the childrens rights away from them, but he isn't good for them, he is a horrible person, that's why I said that.

I'm trying my hardest to do the right thing by the kids, I do have strong feelings about my exp and what he put us all through.

I'm having trouble explaining things here...

OP posts:
Report
aloha · 04/07/2004 12:48

I personally think a man who is violent to his children's mother and forces her to leave the home and go to a refuge is abusive to his children, regardless of whether he actually hits them. It is disastrous and terrible for children to have this kind of family life. He sounds a truly appalling man, and Poppy is still clearly afraid of him. I tend to agree that a man who beats up his wife pretty much gives up any right to a family. His rights most certainly don't overrule his. If someone beat me up and I was afraid they would do it again, I would also want them to disappear off the face of the earth. I think a letter to his solicitor might be the best thing - give a neutral contact address for the time being - and let the police know if you are at all scared that he will find you and hurt you. As for your dd, I do think you need to sit down and say that you are all moving to a new house and maybe won't see daddy quite as much. As her how she would like to keep in contact - maybe the phone, or letters might be appropriate. I actually think violent men are best kept away from kids. Most men who hurt their wives end up hurting the kids anyway.

Report
aloha · 04/07/2004 12:49

I meant to put 'His rights (eg to see the kids) don't overrule HERS (to a decent life without fear of being attacked)"

Report
spacemonkey · 04/07/2004 12:52

It's a very difficult situation, you have all my sympathies poppy. In view of his violent behaviour in the past I would go through the solicitor or write to him once at a safe distance, making it clear that you are open to discussion about contact arrangements for the kids. Then the ball is in his court.

Report
mummytosteven · 04/07/2004 12:52

Poppy - I realise he has treated you very badly, and that you are trying your best in a difficult situation, but I still feel that him seeing DD/DS a few times per year is better than not at all. I think it is important that, even if he loses touch with DD/DS, that it is not your fault - i.e. that you said he could see them when it was convenient for him to visit. I can see why you might not feel comfortable with them staying with him for a week etc - but you could try agreeing something with him which doesn't mean that happening until they are a lot older. Or could they stay with their grandparents??

Report
mummytosteven · 04/07/2004 12:53

poppy - if you go to sols could you ask about the possibility of him only having supervised contact?

Report
spacemonkey · 04/07/2004 12:53

eloquently put aloha - i completely agree

Report
Poppy1978 · 04/07/2004 12:54

I am considering writing to his solicitor rather than him directly. I may need to get myself a new solicitor when I move to Croydon. I did have witheld address for some time before, until
things settled.

I don't really consider that he has rights. He has never done anything for the children. DD can't remember the situations where she was trying to block him from getting to me, and the nightmares she used to have. She was only 2.5 at the time.

It's the childrens rights I am trying to protect. They have a right to know who their father is. I still haven't decided what I will tell them about him in the future when they do ask why we divorced. I think eventually contact will stop, but ggglimpopo is exactly right in that if I refused it he would fight me all the way in any case.

OP posts:
Report
Poppy1978 · 04/07/2004 12:58

mummytoseven - that is my view, that I can't be the one to sto contact. But I jsut can't let him turn up out of the blue one every 3-6 months and expect to take them to his for a week.

Grandparents not a lot of help I'm afraid. Mine can't stand him and wouldn't want to be involved, his parents are too infirm.

It is going to be so awkward that if he does come to Croydon to see them, I can't have him at mine, so decisions would need to be made as to where he goes with the children all day.

OP posts:
Report
aloha · 04/07/2004 13:00

Good luck and put your own safety first. So sorry to hear about what happened to you. Personally, I think you have the right not even to tell him where you are with his history. I feel sorry for your dd, but that's his fault, not yours. I hope your move brings you lots of happiness.

Report
aloha · 04/07/2004 13:02

You don't have to let him have the kids at all you know. Even if he gets a court order, he's basically powerless. As for his having them for a week against your wishes, well, I think not.

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

mummytosteven · 04/07/2004 13:06

poppy - I was thinking along lines of visitation a few times a year at pre-arranged times, with supervised access - not suggesting he should turn up out of the blue, or even have them overnight. I agree with aloha - don't even let him have your new address for now -and have things done via solicitors. Sorry that neither set of grandparents will be of any use.

Report
beetroot · 04/07/2004 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ggglimpopo · 04/07/2004 13:12

Message withdrawn

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.