Hi. As the title really D(ickhead)P is having a rotten time with work at the moment, very stressed and unhappy. He works from home and I'm off this week following an injury that has meant I'm not able to work - nothing major but enough to have me feeling sorry for myself. His reaction when I hurt myself was all 'what have you done NOW?' and not exactly supportive, which I called him on and he admitted and he has been really helpful and caring since, but it's interspersed with more grumpiness and like a pissed off attitude about it all that I don't understand. He says he's angry at the situation not me but - I don't get what there is to be angry about. I had a genuine accident, it was unfortunate but I'll heal. In the meantime work are supportive and I'll hopefully be back in next week?
He was a moody arse all day yesterday, I told him he was being unfair and he realised it and apologised, went to bed thinking all fine. This morning he's moody again, then over something really small and stupid he flipped. I didnt have enough cash needed to pay something that could only be paid cash (dog groomer), I asked him for the extra tenner and I'd get it out when up and about again he muttered and stomped about before thrusting it at me in a pissed off way. I said if it was a problem I'd pay it in online banking to his account right away, but couldn't help adding 'or call it your contribution to the food shop' (I'd just done online). So I get told 'you can go to your sister's, I've had fucking enough' cue more stomping about and slamming doors. I said 'what, because I needed to borrow a tenner that I'm about to put straight back in your account' and was told yes, more effing and blinding, more he'd had enough etc etc.
To avoid a drip feed it's his house, I pay half everything and we're saving to buy a place together. He's more cautious about money than me and can get stressy about it but there's nothing owing and it's not like I'm forever taking money off him, I just haven't left the house other than to go to minor injuries at the weekend so forgot/wasn't able to get cash out. It being his house makes me vulnerable and makes it Shitty of him to use that in an argument because he keeps telling me this is my home too blah blah but clearly not because he can actually just tell me to get out. I said 'do you really want me to go' he said yes then the groomer arrived so he went into his office and I dealt with that. Once she'd gone I hobbled upstairs to see him, he just glared at me so I started to throw some knickers in a bag because I really did just want to get out, called my sister and left a message asking her to ring me back because I'd need a lift as I can't drive due to the injury. Then he was all apologetic, tears, he's sorry, he doesn't know why he's so angry, he's stressed, it's not fair to take it out on me and he knows it blah blah. He says he's felt angry since I hurt myself, he doesn't know why, knows it's not the right reaction, he knows he's selfish, he's a weirdo, he doesn't understand it himself. He can be like this - he gets really anxious sometimes but it comes across as anger, usually at himself.
He's kept saying sorry throughout the day and can't do enough for me. He clearly wants me to say it's all ok but it's not. If I could drive anywhere I'd have gone anyway, and still got half a mind to get my sister to pick me up only I'm not sure I could face her house full of kids, grandkids etc etc and having to explain why I'm there.
It's not that he told me to get out really, I know he didn't mean it, I'm just pissed off with him stooping to that level because he knows it bothers me that I'm the one in the insecure position here.
And I'm just pissed off that since I fell and really fucking hurt myself, of which there is visible evidence on top of me hobbling about like an old crone, wincing in pain, he's been a moody grumpy bastard who suddenly developed a 'cold' and a 'headache' and didn't I know he didn't get much sleep and blah blah. Like he has to be the hard done to one even though it's actually me that's in pain. And I'm feeling guilty for inconveniencing him by hurting MYSELF! We want kids and I just think what if there's an issue, what if I get ill (my birth mother died from complications with childbirth), what if our child hurts themselves and wants daddy to kiss it better and gets a short response back instead? Is he going to stand there in the labour room and huff and stomp and complain about actually he's got a sore throat so this is really very hard for him. I say this to him and it's all 'I know I know, I won't be like that' but actions speak louder and all that.
We're good usually, good communication, he is affectionate, makes me laugh, makes a huge effort with my family and friends, compliments me, does sweet things like getting up early to defrost my car or cheers me on when I'm trying something new like running (off the cards for a while!) He can be so kind, thoughtful and considerate but then he has moments of being spectacularly selfish too, or just totally clueless about what I consider to be fairly basic parts of human interaction (e.g. If your loved one is hurt surely the immediate reaction is care and concern, not anger?) Sometimes can't do enough for me and has been so generous and thoughtful so many times, but then when I actually need him to help/do things for me it's all moods and poor him. (To a lesser extent he's been like this when I've been ill, or when the dog was - the response is anger, not as in screaming and throwing things but like pissed off rather than concern? Then when you tell him he's being unfair he realises and is caring again).
He does listen when I tell him he's upset me, he does try really hard. He is very sorry. I just can't say 'it's ok' because right now it's not. What do you say when it's like that? I don't want to leave, I love him lots and part of me wants to let it drop but he really really hurt my feelings and it's not ok. I've just said 'I know you're sorry' and 'we've both got some things to think about'. He's out now as he was visiting a relative then got his sport later this evening, which I've told him to go to as we could both use the space. I'm not going anywhere tonight realistically but I don't know long term.
God, this is so long and probably boring sorry!
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Relationships
What do you do when they're wrong, apologise but it's still not ok
Abecedario · 24/01/2017 15:59
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