Hello
I'm new, and I need to vent about the bin fire that is my life right now... I haven't posted somewhere like this since I was a teenager
Ok, the background, I will try to be succinct but it is not my strongest point...
(1) I have chronic, lifelong (I anticipate) depression, much anxiety and, less so nowadays, mania. I am unmedicated. I do not drink or take drugs. I have a moderately good although somewhat unambitious job. I imagine I am somewhat hard going, objectively speaking, to live with... tbqh I would likely have left myself by now if I could.
(2) My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 1 year and he does, in all fairness to him, his best to cope with my idiosyncrasies.
(3) He has a professional, high responsibility job and is away a lot.
(4) Over the last year he and I have had a very turbulent time, A LOT of problems regarding his drinking. He either does a complete vanishing act, or is an unpleasant, verbally abusive drunk, he has no control over himself and how much he drinks and gets himself into a real mess. He also thinks nothing of getting in a car or of going to do his highly responsible job when he has 1, 2, 3, 4, more? drinks. Please note this is a job where you could kill people if you made an error, you would certainly be prosecuted if found over the limit. He attempts to conceal these incidences from me as he knows I will not hesitate to call the police if I am aware at the time of him doing it. The full extent of his drinking has been slowly revealed to me over the last 13 months. He has tried several times to give up since meeting me but has so far been unsuccessful.
(5) I am 26 weeks pregnant with our first, entirely unplanned, baby. Surprise, Mum and Dad!
My bf spent xmas day with my family and I - this was entirely his own choice, he could have gone to see his family with no drama from me. [My parents are two of the most laid back, generous, softly spoken people you could wish to meet and they and their opinion of me is the most important factor in my life]
On Xmas day, for some inexplicable reason, despite it being totally out of context with the day, my bf decided to get absolutely plastered and was rude, aggressive and embarrassing to everyone in my family. My family by and large keep their opinions of my bf to themselves because that is the kind of people they are, although they had heard anecdotally from me about the concerns I have about his drinking, he has now clearly illustrated these concerns. Suffice to say they think I have made a very poor choice and on the quiet think I should leave.
The following day he vowed to give up drinking and I have not seen him have a drink since.
Nonetheless this incident has left a massive scar on our relationship and how I feel about him, and how I do not know how I can make things better between him and my family (because really, not that anyone wants me to choose, but my family would win every time, but he is nonetheless my baby's dad). So I returned to the idea I had previously discussed with him last year after some mega rows that we go and see a counsellor. I scheduled an appointment on the first day back at work, their busiest day of the year FYI .
When I let bf know this he absolutely flipped his lid, having apparently forgotten that he had somewhat unenthusiastically but without protest agreed to go a few months previously. We did not speak for a day or so but eventually I got a message from him saying "ok we will give it a shot I will have an open mind blah blah".
That weekend we were at home asleep on Saturday night when his phone rung, extremely unusual.... it woke me up, I went to the loo, came back and he was not awake. So hmm, I looked at his phone (not a big deal for us but I do not habitually 'check' his phone). There was no notification. Odd? So I opened his phone and looked at his calls list. Some unknown mobile number had called so I was just about to wake him up when I saw a familiar name 2 or 3 calls further down. The name of a girl who he used to (apparently only friendly) knock about with when he was a heavy drinking and drug taking single man about town the year before he met me. They had spoken at 1am the morning following him texting me to agree to try the counsellor.
So, i'm sure you can imagine what I did next
Every trace of any messages from her had been deleted..... But he did mention in a thread with his best friend that he had seen her that night. No further info.
Regardless, it became apparent that he had fallen off the wagon about 3 days after he got on it - left work at 1am in the morning to go out drinking, with some girl, and then continued to drink the following day in the afternoon when he was resuming his highly responsible job that evening.
To make matters worse, when I woke him up to confront him about this he flatly denied everything...... until I pointed out that he hadn't quite managed to clear all references.. Obviously thinking he had covered his tracks so could brazenly lie to my face.... This is probably the thing that is bothering me the most.
He moved out for a few days and I have torn myself to pieces over this mess. He is back now and I am trying so hard to give him the benefit of the doubt. We are going to counselling later in the month.
The thing that scares me the most is that, if we split up, his drinking would most certainly spiral. I would no longer be of any influence, I am the sole reason for his 'improvements' so far, and I would be faced with having to hand over my baby to him for visitation. I am terrified of him being responsible for my baby whilst drinking unchecked. It was probably that reason alone, yes it really is that cynical, that I did not leave that weekend. He is also a comparatively high earner (I'm sorry I am just being realistic here) and without him I would not be able to take substantial time off work to care for my baby.
But the damage is done and all this realistic and cold hearted planning does not change the fact that I no longer trust him. Whether he has been cheating on me or not? I will never know. My heart says it was probably more about the drink...... but ..... WHY DID HE DELETE THOSE MESSAGES???? This little voice repeats and repeats in my head.
Frankly, in the bigger picture, the drinking is more of a concern anyway.
He lives on a planet quite different to the one you and I inhabit in that all his friends are similar functioning alcholic/drug addicts and his industry is teaming with them. I feel like really, he sees me as the enemy more than he sees the alcohol as the enemy. He denies this and tells me he isn't drinking...... but how can I believe him? He has ample time away from me to do as he pleases and I have no interest in the stress of having to monitor him in order to believe what he tells me.
The baby is merrily bouncing away here and all I can think of is what misery lies ahead for us all.. it's difficult to feel anything positive at all. I'm not sure if I even like him anymore.... it's gotten to the point where I am so on edge that his commonplace flaws are starting to bite too. I'm hoping I will calm down... that counselling will help.. that he means what he says when he accepts he has a drinking problem and wants to change....but at the moment I feel like I am just trudging on with him because I feel trapped by the circumstances. I wish I could sever all ties and just leave him and his drinking and his secret rendezvous to it.
To make matters worse the baby is a boy I'm not thrilled about it. It's hard to picture him as anything other than an angry little alcoholic in waiting. What should be a happy time just feels sordid and doomed.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
An alcoholic, a liar, and the father of my baby all walk into a bar and the bartender says...
jcne · 17/01/2017 19:14
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