Dh wants to take job abroad

[Alwaysknackered79]

Posting for support really. Dh and I have had a rocky marriage - been married for 5 years and we've had a lot of stress on us through jobs, children, family in that time. One of our children has a mild disability so I am often in and out of hospital with him. I'm not working currently as on maternity leave with our 3rd dc so money is tight. It's also very stressful when ds is in hospital as he still need to work and so I end up doing it all by myself and it's hard to manage looking after the two other dc. Dh and I have discussed splitting before but ultimately decided to stay and make it work.
Dh is now being offered a job in Amsterdam and he wants to take it, travelling there for 2/3 days a week. It will be a lot more money. I just can't see how this would work though - I can't manage disabled child and other children on my own as it is. We've no family around for if we went into hospital again - he says he could hire a nanny to sleep over on the days he's abroad. I also think it would stop me going back to work - I'd need to get a new job and couldn't find one if I was doing all the drop off/pick ups etc and don't really want to use a nanny,
Ultimately I guess this feels more about him wanting out and away from the rubbish that has been our life with young children over the past few years. He'd get a 2/3 day break whereas id get an even bigger share of the crap to deal with. I've told him if he goes he should consider moving out properly as I don't want this. I feel like he's going to try and force it through anyway or not take it and feel incredibly resentful towards me.

[JaxingJump]

OP you sound stressed.

I personally think you should embrace this and the nanny idea. I think you are cutting off your nose. Find a nanny you like and who improves your quality of life.

I hate to point it out but if you split up you'd be on your own a lot more than 2-3 days a week.

[RaeofSun]

He's offered help with a nanny. If you split you'll be in the same situation without a nanny.

Bit of resentment coming through perhaps in your tone? It's very understandable as you're going through a lot and expecting 3dc.

Sorry you're feeling this way you will certainly have many emotions tumbling around

[smilingsarahb]

Erm...I have lots to say about this. My DH took a job abroad during the hardest patch of my life to date (which was no way near as hard as taking a child to hospital regularly) My biggest mistake was not insisting on a cleaner and a nanny for one or two days a week. I felt like I shouldnt/couldn't or whatever. Anyway in hindsight I made the situation harder than it needed to be and a nanny/cleaner would have stopped me sinking and stopped me resenting my DH 'time off' and to be honest would have been more useful than DH at home anyway.

[RacoonBandit]

It's a difficult situation but if you split up wouldn't you be doing it all on your own anyway?

Lots of people work away my own DB does for 5 days a week but that works for his family I know it would not suit everyone.
You do have options it's only 3 days and having a nanny on those days would probably help you more that DH does now. However I don't think the issue is the options, you just don't want him to take the job and that's ok.
There is no win win in this situation OP.

Do you love him?

[Alwaysknackered79]

It's so annoying he gets the option to opt out whereas my life would get harder - he'll be able to go to the gym, cinema, drinks 2/3 nights a week whilst I'll still have 3 young children to look after and hospital stays to look forward to. I'd rather he didn't work at all tbh (altho I know that's not reasonable) and share in the shit more equally.
You're right tho - splitting up would be even worse for me as then no help the other 4 days and less money.

[annandale]

You sound exhausted and like this is an extra sign of powerlesssness in the relationship.

From the outside though, this could be a change for the better. What about a nanny 3-4 days a week and a part time job? Use it as a way to explore what you actually want now, but not from a position of despair and exhaustion.

[Alwaysknackered79]

Smiling - ha - yes you are right - a cleaner and a nanny would be more use than dh tbh!
Did your relationship get over your resentment? Was he supportive of you otherwise? Dh tends not to really be emotionally supportive - more of a practical person which is what has caused tension between us in the past.

[RacoonBandit]

Try and look at this differently.

One of you has to work and usually it is the one who earns more so here he has the opportunity to bring in more money to reduce some of the financial stress and provide you with an extra pair of hands he currently cannot give you. Working away from home is not a holiday OP. It is very lonely stuck in hotels with none of your family, friends or belongings around you.

Your resentment is understandable but can your marriage survive as it currently is?

[Alwaysknackered79]

Thanks for responses yep I'm totally exhausted and yep feel very powerless over this.
Not sure if I still love him - I guess I do but it's been a very hard 5 years 'love' has sort of fallen out of the equation and it's been more about survival.

[trollspoopglitter]

He will also have all the stress and worry of you and three children being financially dependent on him along witnew job insecurity and jitters. What if he hates it? What if they hate him? What if he's not up to their standards? No freedom to quit - he's got two households to run and financially support. Where will all this flowing cash for nights out, gym memberships and drinks come from? . He will also miss his children day to day. But yeah, you keep resenting him.

[stolemyusername]

Would he still be earning more once he has factored the cost of a nanny and cleaner though? Or does he just want a get out card for the drudge that is bringing up small children.

I'm pretty much sure that even with a nanny, the children are still going to want mummy and that you will be doing just as much as you do now without emotional support. But as the others have pointed out, he has the upper hand as you either accept him working away, or he walks and does what suits him any way leaving you without the financial support

[Alwaysknackered79]

Stolemy - yes with cleaner and nanny 2 nights a week he'll still be earning marginally more and it's also a job he wants to do so good for his career.
I do think it's more about running away though - it's how he deals with stress - puts his head in the sand or runs away. I'm sure he could find a good but perhaps not quite as well paid job in london where we live.

[Alwaysknackered79]

Yes stole me - thinking about it you've summarised it completely - it's the powerlessness - either I accept this or we split - rock or hard place. There's no room for a third option which might work for us both...

[Alwaysknackered79]

Trolls - he does get stressed about providing financially but when I go back to work I can earn quite a decent amount. I can guarantee even with those worries he'll still be having a nicer time than me stuck on a children's hospital ward!!

[TheStoic]

Make it work for you, OP. Decide on the things that will make your life easier, and dont accept anything less.

[Somerville]

I don't agree with others that him gone for 2-3 days and you having a cleaner and a nanny would necessarily make life easier for you. A nanny and a cleaner need managing, and that would give you even more to do.

Also, it's not that easy to find an overnight nanny for 2-3 days a week. Maybe in London. But you'll pay through the nose.

Plus, wouldn't your children feel sad at not seeing him? Could there be a knock on effect of bad behaviour from them at the instability?

If you feel you need to let him pursue this then I think the only way it could possibly work is if he accepts that you are already at capacity and agrees that conditions are in place first. So, he has to recruit the nanny, and write her contract, and set up payroll and pay her and pay HMRC and all of that. All you do is sit in on interviews to choose the best candidate.
He finds you a good cleaner and writes lists of what needs doing and supervises the first session.
He also looks at his diary and sees when he will be able to spend time with his children. Can he work from home a day or two a week? How much of their care will he provide?
And negotiate every third weekend 'off' yourself. He has the children, and aside from medical emergency, you go away for R&R.
Finally, I suggest there is a time limit on the length of the contract. That he does it for a year, or two years, and then commits to working nearby again to enable you to return to work.

Also, read the book Wifework!

[Somerville]

I also disagree with PP's that life will be worse if you split up completely.
I think that if ultimately you have no say over such a huge issue as him working abroad then that probabaly means the marriage is over anyway.
Maybe you should go to see a solicitor?

[jeaux90]

I have a full time live in nanny. I'm a single parent so it's the best option for me given my work. I would push for a full time one that does housework too. Mine goes away most weekends. Depending on where you live in the country they are less expensive than you think but it depends on what you are looking for. Mine has been with me since my dd was 3 months old she is now 7 years old and it was the best thing I ever did. She has an amazing relationship with my dd and does an awful lot, it's more like housekeeper/nanny.

[SandyY2K]

Personally, I'd want a full time nanny to happily agree to that or 4 days a week.

The cleaner and nanny option suggested are good too.

Let it be that you are also able to go to the gym, go shopping child free and get out with your friends while the nanny is there. Otherwise you'll become resentful and bitter.

[zazasabore]

Why not all move to Amsterdam? Holland is a fantastic place to bring up children. If you think Amsterdam a bit too touristy you could live in the Hague - very quick and efficient commute into Amsterdam for your husband. If you are not working the kinderbijslag is a lot more generous than family allowance here.

[unfortunateevents]

If your marriage was in a better place, I think you would be more accepting of him moving abroad for work and more willing to accept the nanny/cleaner idea. However, in your situation I think regardless of how much help you can get with practical things, the emotional cracks are still going to be there and you are still going to get stuck in a cycle of comparing your roles in your marriage, with you feeling like you come out worst with all the childcare, household, hospital visits etc.

I also think you need to investigate the practicalities of having a live-in nanny but only for a few days a week. If the nanny lives with you part-time, where will she spend the rest of her time? If she has her own home, she will more likely want to be a day nanny and go home at night? Be sure you can actually get what you need before agreeing to it. On the plus side, an overnight nanny would hopefully give you some time and opportunity to get to the gym yourself, cinema etc so your dh isn't having all the downtime.

Make sure your dh will actually be better off by taking this job. Is the company going to pay for his travel and accommodation in Amsterdam every week? You also need to consider the impact of effectively switching from single parenthood to two-parenting every week. I did it for a while with dh and it felt like we spent most of our time together trying to switch from one mode to the other and just as we were settling down and had stopped trying to squeeze every family/practical thing into a condensed period, he was off again!

[smilingsarahb]

Our relationship is ok now. I am happy enough After 2 years he took a uk job that involves being away a couple of nights a week which is fine and the thing that made life very hard improved too. He is generally supportive and recognises that he did just run away in many ways..He did all sorts of fun things each evening whilst I struggled but I also recognise I am a big girl and should have insisted on paid help and carved out a time that was for me at the weekend for instance. (It's very hard to see that at the time) things aren't quite the same, I don't trust that if things got bad again (I had a significant physical health issue) that he wouldn't find that he had to work away again but overall it's fine.

[beingorange]

in this scenario, can you get a nanny full time? I cant see many being happy with two/three night stayover, and a full time nanny may also help you get your strength back and also think about returning to work.

[expatinscotland]

I'd say we all move. None of this he goes away during the week.

[Frazzled2207]

You sound exhausted OP and understandably. I can see this from both sides, and would be considering a move to Holland for all, have heard good things about it. If your kids are school age though i can see why you'd hesitate.
Also consider a Full time nanny, not a p-t one.