Advice

[Sparklebelle1024]

Hi there,
Long term lurker first time poster so be gentle,

I'm in a mess, I'm a mum of two engaged to be married but my DP just doesn't fit how I imagined life to be if that makes sense?

He's taught my son (he's stepparent) how to be cheeky and sarcastic to me (DS has SN as well so this is a million times harder)

He plays down my concerns on my daughter when she has a siezure (she's epileptic) because she's not the only one who has epilepsy (DD was born very sick almost lost her she was in NICU on ventilatior etc) she's just turned 4 and also has SN on top of her epilepsy so naturally I worry and I get told to man the fuck up and deal with it when I worry or stress because "it's fine"

He never discusses anything we have issues with telling me to "stop whinging it's fine"

He doesn't help around the house because it's "my job" and I should "stop complaining because I chose to be a mum so I have no right to say I'm tired or whatever"

He never gets up with the kids (neither of them sleep well because of ASD they settle late and wake stupidly early and it's exhausting again I get told i chose to have them so suck it up

He barely lifts a finger in the house right down to leaving the empty loo roll out on the windoledge and expects me to pick up after him for everything, he makes himself something to eat....I clean up the mess, he showers or baths I clean up the scummy mess he leaves and pick up his stupid goddamn boxers and socks and wash them, I do all the cleaning and cooking etc you name it I do it even when I had just had a massive abdominal surgery I had to get on with it when he lay in bed

He "works" I use that term loosely because he's self employed and your lucky if he does 4 hours a day because if he's tired he doesn't go, he's also a gambler and sometimes I've not had a penny to buy bread, he keeps saying he's stopped and I find out he's STILL doing it, keeps telling me he wants the family and he will stop and has stopped etc then comes home with some story that it's been quiet at work and he's made no cash ...in reality he's gambled it, we've been on this cycle for ages and I'm sick of false promises and being made to feel I'm the bad one cos I stress out about money and bills which he just doesn't care about, I'm in a fair bit of debt now because of him when before I had a good credit rating and money in the bank, I've subbed him so many times he owes me 2K plus because I've gave him money for x y z which now I know was to fund his addiction

He speaks to me like a piece of shit andnsays he's joking, asks where his dinner is and why it's not made and why I've not bought him beer and I need to shut the fuck up and let him sleep cos he does what he wants, I'm not allowed to tell anyone what's going on in the house because it's "nobody's business" if i do what he wants he's lovely but the minute I even attempt to say no I get hell, but he will do NOTHING for me :(

I don't know what to do, I love him so so much but he's destroying me and I'm now on anti depressants for panic attacks and anxiety and I'm just a mess

[Welshmaenad]

I had o e like this. It took me 6 months to see that he was taking me apart piece by piece. I got shot of him and I have not looked back, everyone has commented on how I had become 'smaller' with him and am now back to the be thatcher know. It was hard at the time because I was clinging to him because I thought it was my only shot at a relationship. It wasn't.

This man is emotionally abusive and he will not change, he will grind you down. I rarely say this, but please, please LTB. For you and your children.

Read your post back, imagine it was a friend saying all this. What would you tell her to do??

[Welshmaenad]

Sorry, back to the me that they know. Not thatcher!

[ImperialBlether]

Why on earth do you think you love this man, OP? Please think about that - there is nothing lovable about him at all.

He's lazy, selfish, disrespectful and really awful to your children. He gambles and leaves the family without food.

He's horrible to you and you love him? What is it you love about him? Are you frightened of being alone?

[Sparklebelle1024]

I am scared of being alone, I'm not good by myself

He checks my phone/texts/fb/iPad etc I'm not allowed to tell anyone anything,

I won't be back till later as he's home early again ...xx

[FetchezLaVache]

Oh love, I know how hard it is to think straight in this situation but honestly, there is nothing good about this relationship at all. He sounds awful and is treating you despicably. I think you would probably find that your anxiety and depression would be a lot better without this abusive cock-lodging manchild to look after as well as two actual children with additional needs. Really, he brings nothing to the party except a lot of stress you truly don't need.

[MrsExpo]

Please read this back and ask yourself what you would advice someone else to do if it weren't your life, but theirs you were reading about. This man is an abusive waster and you deserve better, both for yourself and your DCs.

Please start planning to leave, or, if you live in your accommodation, get him out, change the locks and don't let him back in. I hope you have family and friends around you for support.

[somewheresomehow]

you need to have an escape plan, you and the kids deserve so much more than that manchild aka twat

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Why are you together at all?. And please do not just solely tell me that you love him. This relationship is really now at an end due to his emotional abuse of you and in turn your child.

I think you are confusing love with co-dependency, this man only loves his own self. He is incapable of loving anyone.

What is there to love about this man who has also managed to teach your son how to be rude and sarcastic to you. A person who truly loves you does not set out to destroy you as he has done. You were targeted by this individual who has seen something in you that he can and indeed has exploited to his own ends.

This individual who you let into your lives has cost you dearly; he is the root cause of you being on anti depressants. Womens Aid can and will help you here; you need to be brave and make that call to take the first, often the most hardest of steps, out of this dysfunctional and abusive relationship.

0808 2000 247 is their number.

[QuiteLikely5]

I would rather be on my own than be with a man like this.

He is abusive, he is a dreadful role model for your children, he doesn't seem to care about them, he doesn't seem to care about you but instead treats your home like free lodgings and you like a maid.

I know you don't want to be lonely but how on earth will you meet someone decent if you don't kick his pathetic ass to the kerb!

No doubt he will plead with you not to do that, be nice for a few days and then return to his bad ways.

Come on find your self respect

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You're alone now in this relationship and that is a lot worse than supposedly being on your own. What you are describing here is really death by 1000 cuts. He probably has you believing too that you are and will be nothing without him; he is wrong on all counts here. He is nothing more than your common or garden abuser and he is not unique at all. He is playing out the same old script that abusive men act on.

You and your children will find peace without this individual screwing with their heads as well as your own.

[Sparklebelle1024]

I'm scared of letting my kids down, their dad beat me black and blue and it was hard enough to leave him, I don't want another failed relationship I feel like it's my fault, I don't understand why I keep getting treated this way, all I want is his attention and affection and I get nothing unless he wants something
Even in front of the kids he calls me all sorts and when i say please don't he tells me to sh he's only winding me up,
Won't even put rubbish in the bin, I know I'm babbling but I'm writing quick before he asks what I'm doing and to see
The house is in my name solely because of my ex I won't ever have my kids home in anyone's name but mine

[Thinkingofausername1]

You will be fine on your own.in fact you will notice how much happier you are once you leave this awful man.

[Purplebluebird]

You need to get him out of the house and never let him back in. He's being abusive and horrible to you. What would you feel if one of your kids was in a relationship like this? It's not a good life, at all. You can do better on your own (less people to tidy up after!), and eventually find someone you can have a healthy, loving relationship with.

[fulberoo]

Get. Out.

You poor love, you deserve so much better. This is not what a relationship looks like, and it's not your fault that you've got into another abusive one. These men are like sharks: they smell blood in the water and he must've seen your hurt from your previous relationship and exploited it. It's not. Your. Fault.

Be alone for a little while. You'll be just fine. But nobody deserves a "partner" like this.

[OnTheRise]

You deserve so much better than this.

I'm scared of letting my kids down, their dad beat me black and blue and it was hard enough to leave him, I don't want another failed relationship I feel like it's my fault, I don't understand why I keep getting treated this way, all I want is his attention and affection and I get nothing unless he wants something

You'll be letting your children down if you remain in this relationship and let them learn that it's normal for men to be abusive to the women they live with.

You are not at fault at all: he's the one choosing to be abusive (and this IS abuse, have no doubt). It's his fault.

You are being treated this way because he's an arse.

He has no reason to change. You're doing all the housework, all the caring, and he's not making any effort at all: why should he change when he's getting such an easy ride? I strongly suspect that the only way you'll see any change is if you leave him. If you stay he might well make promises to be better (although I suspect he'll try to tell you how unfair you're being instead) but he's not going to keep those promises. He'll just bully you into accepting this horrible half-life instead.

You really do deserve better. And so do your children.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Sparklebelle,

Its your children I also feel for in all this; they are now seeing another man abuse their mother. They have seen and heard way too much already in their young lives. This does affect them going forward, this is not the legacy you want to be leaving them as their mother.

This current relationship has already failed; its dead because of his abuse towards you and in turn your children. As I wrote to you before this man has seen something in you he can and has indeed exploited to his own ends. This man targeted you in similar ways to how your ex did; they exploit the vulnerable and enjoy doing that too.

The house you live in is in your name; you are in a good position to get him out now and keep him gone as well. The police will also help you get him out of your home; they are generally far better at dealing with domestic abuse these days.

I would also suggest you now enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme as a matter of course as this is specifically for people who have been in abusive relationships. You need that badly.

[forumdonkey]

You've already got a failed relationship. Think what it'd be like on your own. You do everything anyway, with him gone it's one less person to pick up after and you can do it knowing you're not having someone positively poison your DC's minds against you. You'll be better off financially because you're not bailing his lazy arse out and you can live without being checked up on.

[AhYerWill]

Leaving a shitty relationship (which yours is, sadly) is NOT failure, its strength. Its strength to say 'I'm worth more than this', its strength to protect your kids and show them that they too can choose to walk away from bullies, it's strength to choose to leave a bad situation and suffer the temporary pain of a breakup so that you can move forward and make a better, kinder, happier life for you and your children. You are strong, and you can cope without this man, you have before x

[Helbelle75]

This sounds a horrible situation, he is foul.
You will be able to cope on your own and will probably be happier and feel more confident.
Some excellent advice from others. Good luck, you'll be fine, but please get rid of him

[Teepish]

He's got to go.

You absolutely WILL be fine on your own. You will amaze yourself.

[thatdearoctopus]

The single-most best thing you could ever do for your kids is to get rid of this arsehole right now.

Please.

[fulberoo]

By the way: your previous relationship isn't a failure. It's a roaring success. You kicked an abusive waste of oxygen to the kerb - and now you're going to do the same to another one. You're like Batman. You rock. They deserve it.

[Sparklebelle1024]

I wouldn't know where to start, I couldn't just end it I have no money to survive so I'd be left high n dry, I don't work due to kids illnesses and SN so not even got a "payday" to plan around,
He goes in my purse and takes money, I don't even have anywhere to hide it from him I feel trapped
I've gained so much weight and I'm trying to eat a bit better but he has bought a takeaway every single night and ate it right in front of my face and even though I've not had any he's been making me "try a bit" literally shoving his fork in my face, his money is his money and when I ask for any I get asked what for what bill is due and I have to prove it and I get what i need, my bank is over drawn because he only comes across with the bill money on the day it's due out I've got to go to the bank and put it in and I've had so many returned DDs and charges if I was to leave I don't know where to begin never mind the emotional side (I am quite emotional xx

[daisychain01]

You have a golden opportunity to eject this waster out of your life. You aren't married yet. Go while you still can.

[daisychain01]

The more you describe him, the longer the list of reasons to get rid.

But ultimately if you want to find reasons not to then nobody on this Relationships board can stop you.

We can give advice if you want to take it, but asking for advice and then giving reasons not to take action will risk people's support being futile.

Tell us how we can help you, then you'll make progress. Otherwise stay with someone who'll drag you down.