After an affair

[KC11]

I cheated on my DH nearly six years ago. Nothing has ever happened like it since. DH found out a week after I ended the affair which lasted just over 1 month. DH cannot move past it. It is the elephant in the room. What can I do? What should I do? Apologise more?

[OreoCat]

You might find some help on the surviving infidelity forum - they have topics for both sides of the affair.

[Hecticlifeanddrowning8]

He probably isn't interested in another apology. When this happened to me I needed to know why? And the answer 'I don't know' or 'I was an idiot' just didn't cut it. Have you ever properly talked about it together?

[TheNaze73]

His problem & only he can decide if he can accept this. Not many would be able to

[pocketsaviour]

When this happened to me I needed to know why? And the answer 'I don't know' or 'I was an idiot' just didn't cut it.

Hectic, would the truth really have helped when ultimately it's always "I wanted to fuck someone else and I didn't think you'd find out"?

Op if he's still struggling 6 years on and there's been nothing to keep it in his mind (i.e. the OM still being on the scene, you having flirtations with other people) then I'd have to question whether he really should have stayed in the marriage. Did you have counselling at the time or since? If your marriage is going to survive then it sounds like you need help, or perhaps he needs help expressing his needs - which may ultimately lead to the end of the marriage.

[YoHoHoandabottleofTequila]

What have you done to fix it? Apologising means nothing if your actions say otherwise. Are you completely no contact with the other man?

[user114114]

Where's the surviving the affair forum?

[SandyY2K]

//www.survivinginfidelity.com

The steps a WS must take for a reconciliation.

Not all of them are required in every situation but, you get the idea:

1. S/He must be totally honest with you about everything
   
2. S/He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
   
3. S/He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
   
4. S/He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
   
5. S/He must feel your pain.
   
6. S/He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
   
7. S/He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
   
8. S/He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
   
9. S/He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.
   

10. S/He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal.
11. S/He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you.
12. S/He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you.
13. S/He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible.
14. S/He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first.
15. S/He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected.
16. S/He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy.
17. S/He must be willing to seek counseling.
18. S/He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries

[KC11]

Sandy this is very helpful. Thank you. We did go to narrate counselling for a few months. DH stopped wanting to go because the counsellor was not taking his side. I have suggested going back to counselling. The OM and I have no contact since. DH and OMG has not known each other before it happened but were texting each other and harassing each other from what DH told me. DH got the OM's mobile number from my mobile which was how DH discovered the affair. I believe the texting stopped between them after about 6 months. I do take care about comments I might make about say a film or TV programme in case I might come across as condoning a cheat's behaviour. I would not and will never cheat again.

[KC11]

Marriage counselling not narrate counselling

[LadyLapsang]

Have you thought about why you entered into the relationship with the other man? I don't expect you to explain yourself here, but do you think it was basically because of a problem with your partner or as pocketsavior seems to imply because you thought you could get away with it but you were happy in your relationship with your partner but wanted more? Maybe it would help if you went to counselling on your own to examine why you went down that route before discussing what happens next with your partner.

[LadyLapsang]

Just crossed post, so you have been to couples counselling and interesting that your partner wanted to stop. Do you feel your partner took any responsibility for the state of your relationship when you embarked on the affair? Very easy to try to place the whole blame on the partner that has the affair.

[KC11]

DHi did not truly see that the relationship was in bad place before the affair. I was struggling with failure after failure of IVF. DH was not supportive of my emotions and would get annoyed when I would break down in tears over it occasionally. Even now I feel prohibited from getting upset that our chance of a family has gone. I'm told old and can't handle any more attempts at IVF. We had 5 goes at IVF already. I'm too old now. The OM was sympathetic to me and I was in a vulnerable place. The affair was about 5 weeks from start to finish. It had finished and I thought DH was oblivious but he went down my phone anc found x couple of texts that OM had sent asking me to meet him and I had replied No. DH saw these on the day he found out and confronted me.

[LadyLapsang]

Sorry to hear about your failed IVF, it must have been very difficult and probably still is. Do you think your partner would try counselling again?

[LadyLapsang]

Do you think your partner is really upset about the IVF / not having a family or do you think he was less invested in it than you and maybe less upset at the outcome?

[KC11]

I know that the cost of the Ivfs came out of my salary and my earnings. First three were NHS funded. Husband was less bothered about being a parent and not as invested in it as I was. I was and still am gutted that the treatments didn't work. The reason is my problem and not male factor reason. I've had fertility treatment since 2004. All I wanted for the last 13 years was to be a mum and I parents with DH.

[KC11]

My mobile is on 3% CHARGE

[KC11]

Been married since 2000.

[LadyLapsang]

It must be really, really difficult. Sounds like that is more what you need to focus on rather than the very short affair. Personally I disagree with all the list of steps Sandy posted as it seems to imply your partner is some innocent party. OK, you had the affair, but - in your case - it sounds like it stemmed from something missing in your relationship in response to a very difficult situation, not just some fun on the side.

[KC11]

OM comforted me and provided a listening ear. He probably could not believe his luck that I was so needy and falling into his arms. He is a father himself so he understood when I said I wanted to love and nuture a baby of my own. If I had not been so weak willed and if I had not been struggling with the infertility I would never had believed that I'd stray from my marriage. It did not help matters that there were two pregnancies in my immediate family which caused me a lot of heartache. I have learned to live with the sadness that every pregnant woman around me creates. It is like that for a reason and I was never meant to produce a child. Medically it should have been a cinch but it never happened. OM did not know and will never know any of my family. We only had one person in common and that person has moved away from the area. I don't know where OM is as he was a renter and told my DH that he was having to move because the tenancy had ended. I don't know where OM is. I don;t need to know. That chapter has closed long ago. Infertility is awful. It gnaws away at everything you thought you were inside. Family should be a safe place and I should be able to be myself but I am only a part of what I used to be. I used to have hope of having a child but that has gone. DH does not seem bothered as he has one nephew whom he is close to.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Do you want to be walking on eggshells for the next 20 years?
I wouldn't want that.
What does he do that makes you think he's not over it after 6 years?
I know what I'd be doing but this is your life and your decision.

[Angrybird123]

Ladylapsang sorry but i really disagree that her partner was in any way to blame for the affair. If there are problems in a marriage you work together to solve them or you leave . Sneaking around, lying and having sex with someone else is 100% the responsibility of the two people doing it. Absolutely they should look at why the OP felt cheating was the way to go and why the problems were there but the husband here IS the innocent party as far as the affair is concerned

[thedancingbear]

Ah, classing Mumsnet logic, Ladylapsang

Man has affair - man's fault
Woman has affair - man's fault

Thanks for reminding us.

[Adora10]

Personally I don't care how bad a relationship gets, having an affair is never ok, or acceptable, just never!

If your partner is a shit, leave him or her, don't go and have sex on the side and lie and deceive.

And yes you need to keep apologising even now to reassure him, it's the ultimate betrayal and it may take him another 6 years to actually feel he can trust you 100%; I assume the reason it happened has been dealt with and resolved?

[SandyY2K]

Anyone who has an affair must own it 100%. Being vulnerable isn't an excuse and the WS, should be grateful for the gift of reconciliation.

Regardless of whether there were problems in the marriage or not, then an affair isn't the answer, but because it taints and causes permanent distrust in the relationship.

Some people try their hardest, and but just cannot move through post infidelity.

OP, and your DH can also get support from that site as well.

[sofato5miles]

I second the poster that asked whether you still walking on eggshells in another 6 years.

Maybe suggest individual counselling. I am sorry that IVF failed for you.