Don't know what to do

[rainbowflight]

I've been with DH for over 20 years and we have one young DC. Things haven't been great between us for a while, we've been more like friends or flatmates than husband and wife since DC was born. In the past we've always got along well and still have loads in common.

In the last couple of years though we've been arguing a lot, often this happens in front of DC. There's no DV, swearing or name calling but it does get pretty heated at times and it's wearing me down and I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. Our arguments are often about small things. We spoke about this and agreed to make more effort to be kinder and more patient with each other, and it worked for a while, until today when we had another stupid argument over nothing. When we argue, DC always takes my side and sticks up for me. Today though, DC whispered in my ear "should we go live somewhere else as Daddy is being mean?" It broke my heart, DC loves DH and he is genuinely a very good dad. I didn't expect DC to come out with something like this.

I have thought about divorce, but DH is a SAHP and I worry about him getting full custody of DC, how divorce would affect DC, and also what claim DH would have to the property we live in. I bought it pre-DC but when we were already married and DH wasn't working. He hasn't contributed financially to the property/mortgage or household bills and is not on the deeds. I do know he's contributed in other ways, i.e. looking after DC and housework for example, but I do my very fair share of this too. I work from home regularly so often do school drop offs and pick ups, am the one to deal with the school, homework etc. I look after all of our financial affairs and bills too. I don't know why I'm posting, I'm not always unhappy and sometimes feel that if we are nice to each other we could stick it out, but at other times I just feel stuck in the situation and don't know if I want to carry on like this. Recently, it's been increasingly the latter.

[FATEdestiny]

DC always takes my side

You child shouldn't be taking anyones side. What has been said to a child so they even think they need to take sides?

... and sticks up for me

DC certainly shouldn't be involved in arguments and definately definitely not to the point where they stick up for either parent.

Are you putting your child in this position or is it something your owner is doing?

If you need to divorce, then so be it. But the maniplulation of your child even before splitting up is dreadful.

[FATEdestiny]

owner = partner (autocorrect and fat fingers on my phone.)

[rainbowflight]

Nobody manipulates DC, we do not involve DC in our arguments and have never ever asked DC to take sides! However, if they are witnessing an argument, they might say to DH "Daddy, don't be mean to mummy" or ask me if daddy is being mean to me. I always reassure DC as much as I can, and both DH and I tell DC that we love each other and them.

[category12]

You both need to make an agreement not to argue or continue arguments in front of the dc. Right now. You both have to exercise some self control. You do know that dc often blame themselves if their parents split, and your dc may remember their words and feel that they had a hand in what should be an adult decision.

It's quite an unusual thing for a child to say tho: is daddy shouty and unkind with them?

If not, try relationship counselling and have those arguments in front of a real mediator. It doesn't sound totally unsalvageable but if it turns out you can't or don't want to keep going, the relationship counselling can also smooth your way to a more amicable split.