Feeling down about over-dependent mother

[SnowmanDoughman]

I am mid-twenties. My mum has had a rough time with my dad treating her extremely badly and leaving when I was young. She brought up me and my sister while working full time and did an incredible job.
Now we are older and both moved out (sister living far away, me living about 40 minutes away) I am really feeling the pressure. She has a few friends and is a professional woman working very hard at a good job but I wouldn't say she has put herself out there to fill her life. She isn't interested in meeting a new partner.. Lacks confidence to I think after so many years alone.

Every time I visit home I feel incredibly upset as I realise how unhappy and alone she is. I phone her a few times a week and visit about once a fortnight. She relies on me a huge amount to be her best friend, social life and is constantly worrying when I will be next visiting, making comments like 'your poor lonely mum can't wait to see you again'.

She is always talking about the future and worrying about when my sister and I have our own families. She talks about how desperate she is to be involved and never have a Christmas alone, wants us to live nearby, is scared DP will get a job abroad..the list goes on. It is as if she is waiting for the moment she can be a grandparent and be fulfilled again. Fair enough but it is a huge pressure and probably won't happen for quite a few years!

She is very negative and over-cautious about our lives and choices...always assuming the worst (jobs won't get us anywhere, boyfriends will dump us, doesn't want us to travel as we won't like it...) - on the whole, we are good at ignoring it and telling her not to worry about us.

When it comes to her 'I'm so lonely, I've had such a rough life, I haven't achieved that much, I am not having the life I wanted' comments. I've tried the reassuring, the ignoring, the joking, the advice approaches. At the end of the day, I love her so much and am so grateful for everything she has done, I desperately want her to be happy and feel she has had a fulfilled life. I will always take care of her but I can't deal with the negativity and 'poor me' attitude much longer. I understand it takes confidence to go out there and meet people etc but equally feel if she is that dissatisfied with life she needs to do something about it. She cannot rely on us to fulfil everything. I know if I say this to her she will take offence.

Any advice or anyone who has been there?

[chapsie]

I'm there, older than you and have children, but haven't solved it. Sorry. But I can empathise.

[BumDNC]

This is my mother too. It's so similar it's scary.
I have gone for a low contact approach. You cannot make her happy.... I felt like this began to drain the life out of me and me feeling sorry for her actually wasn't helpful. So by going LC it forced her to take stock of her life and stop relying on me for fulfilment.

You cannot and should not be filling the empty void in your mother. It is not healthy. Mine is only worse now there are grandchildren. Now she is sad she doesn't see them enough but nothing ever seems to be enough for her.

Save yourself... she is selfish and self absorbed. You can still love her from afar but you can't fix her

[gottachangethename1]

I have had this most of my adult life, it has had a major impact on my life and that of my dh and dc. Please don't be drawn into the having to be her everything syndrome. Suggest clubs she can attend, keep up the fortnightly visit and phone calls, but make it clear you have your own life and she needs to make hers too.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

She does not really want you to take care of you; she wants to use you instead as an emotional punchbag to take out all her woes on. She is a sucker of joy and is not interested in changing anything. She gets something out of being like this too, she has learnt this works for her.

Its not your fault she is like this; you did not make her this way. Her own childhood experiences and poor choices have made her like this.

Where are your own boundaries when it comes to your mother; what is and is not acceptable. I would reassess and further strengthen your own boundaries when it comes to her and start to further limit the number and frequency of visits and phone calls respectively.

You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, your mother is no different.

What does your sister think of her mother?. What sort of a relationship do they have these days?.

As BUM rightly states your mother is both selfish and self absorbed. Save your own self because you cannot fix this. No-one should act as either a rescuer and or saviour in any relationship.

[BumDNC]

Prior to low contact she has behaved very badly once grandchildren arrived - she will rather sit at home crying than make the effort to come and visit as she will perceive she isn't welcome, which kind of ends up making her unwelcome. She's only made the effort to get to mine or my sisters house about 10 times in 15 years. Even when we've just given birth or are ill or in a crisis she won't just come help either of us, she will get upset we didn't call her and then someone go and collect her so that she could come over and sit and make all kinds of negative comments about the situation.

[LittleCandle]

DF was always lonely and negative, but a lot of that was his own fault. He fell out with friends when they did things that DF though were wrong. It was very wearing. I tried everything with him and nothing worked. He arrived at my house unannounced most days for a long time and when he was no longer able to get out and about, I got phone call after phone call, demanding that I go to visit - my life be damned. Then, when I really did need the support (when my marriage crumbled) his response to me telling him about it was - how is this going to affect me? Thanks for the support and sympathy there dad!

I wish I knew what the answer is, but I don't. Good luck with it all and I hope she doesn't drive you too bonkers.

[DailyMailyFaily]

I've tried the reassuring, the ignoring, the joking, the advice approaches.

I think you have to try the harsh but truthful response that you don't like her trying to emotionally manipulate you and that she needs to take responsibility for her own happiness. Her attempts to guilt trip you are very unpleasant.

[LadyLothian]

OP you've had great replies so far. This isn't your fault and you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

You point to confidence issues, have you suggested counselling? If she could gain some confidence that might enable her to go out and join some activities that would give her an independent social life.

If she won't take any steps to help herself then there's nothing you can do. She sacrificed a lot for you, but that doesn't give you a blank cheque to act how she wants until the end of her days. You are not obliged to put up with it.

Have you talked to your sister about how you feel st the end of your tether about this?

[LadyLothian]

I think you have to try the harsh but truthful response that you don't like her trying to emotionally manipulate you and that she needs to take responsibility for her own happiness. Her attempts to guilt trip you are very unpleasant.

^^^

THIS. In spades.

[BumDNC]

I will be honest that the harsh approach did not work because all it did was increase the guilt tripping. Martyrs cannot handle criticism

[Maverickismywingman]

I have tried the harsh approach and it ended up in a huge fight, and my mum telling me that when she was my age, she was too busy raising a family to be having a go at people.

So now it's the elephant in the room, and I feel constantly guilty.

[BumDNC]

Same here

[Cherrysoup]

My bil has this, but mil is elderly. Sadly, the rest of us are too far to see her weekly, so it mostly falls to him, even tho he works away during the week. She always swore she wouldn't turn out like her mum, who insisted on Sunday lunch every week, but she is exactly the same now. She isolated herself deliberately, went to a club once or twice then gave up, refuses to have a mobility scooter to allow her to get out and about. It's so hard, I feel so sorry for her, but she's rejected all offers of anything we've suggested so she's stuck, really.

[MiddleAgedMother]

Same for me sadly.
It's hard.
I'm sure for everyone but I can't cut contact as DM can't help it. So I feel permanently guilty.

[BumDNC]

You can lower it. You really can.

I put in boundaries. Visit me if you want to but do not sit at home crying about me not having the time to come sit in your house for hours on end - she has no kids or pets or social life and I have all of those things, teens, FT job, pets, friends and a boyfriend. Do not call me every day at 7pm when I am caught up with the kids then waffle on about yourself for an hour not letting me off the phone. I changed my home phone number! Text me - I will respond when I am free. I will visit you when I am able to not when you demand I do.

[SnowmanDoughman]

Thanks for the replies.

Not meaning to dripfeed but I should add it tends to be after a glass of wine or two that she says these things.

She lacks confidence hugely. Mainly because once she was divorced unfortunately she had a string of bad experiences of friends/married couples leaving her out and gradually not including her on more 'couple' things. We don't have other close family. So I can see in ways she is left in a hard situation.
BUT it has been 15 years now and she can take control and get out there and find things which fulfil her life.

I do really enjoy her company and am very close to her. But at times I feel this backfires as I am then EXPECTED to do things and never decrease my commitment... She cannot see if I come home less it is because I am busy, happy doing exciting things. She should want that for me. And most of the time I get that feeling she is pleased my life is getitng busier and busier with lots of new adventures.
It is just occasionally I get the bitter comments reminding me how much she relies on me.

[BumDNC]

Yes because she's sucking out your joy because she doesn't have any.
I love my mother too but she is like a happiness leech.

[WW0nderland2016]

I agree that you have to generate your own happiness

Can your Mum volunteer ? (she can befriend someone older or any other type)

Can your Mum join local church, nit and natter, ramblers, gym or other club ?

Does your Mum go on holiday on her own ?

Does your Mum have any hobbies ?

If she lacks confidence doing a hobby or a Red Cross first aid course are good for increasing confidence

Can she get a pet ?

If she does none of the above then you have tried to help

I am a great believer in doing what you want in your life, so if you move away to work so be it !

[Timeforteaplease]

I am in the same boat too. My DM says deliberately nasty things to try and manipulate/guilt trip me.
You can put in boundaries - I have, which has been very difficult. But at the end of the day, my DM thinks I am a crap daughter and that hurts. I will never be good enough, do enough, care enough to make her happy.

[piglover]

Another one here. No advice but this thread is certainly helping me in my resolve for more boundaries (though cannot quite bring myself to stay in my own home for Xmas this year rather than trekking off to see her. Grrrrr.)

[CaveMum]

Has your mum looked at U3A (it's basically adult learning opportunities for the retired, not a scary sounding cult!) It would give her something to do plus expand her social circle. My 77 year old MIL does it as a "student" and a "teacher" and really loves it.

www.u3a.org.uk

[SnowmanDoughman]

CaveMum she is only mid-fifties and works full time in a very demanding professional job. She is generally very busy with that. It is just the social side she is lacking.

I may find a list of weekend social groups she could do in her area and email it through (potentially risky idea but worth a shot..)