Friend being blackmailed by her 14 yr old DD

[peppajay]

My friend is being blackmailed by her teenage daughter. Her 14 yr old DD has left home and is now living with her older cousin. She refuses to speak to her mother until her mother gets rid of her stepfather. My friend has 2 yr old twins with her husband so is very complicated. I like her husband but he is strict and when my friend brought her children up alone there was no disipline and when he took her and her children on he wanted rules and respect and He insisted on curfews and dinner round the table all together. My friend is very timid and has always been scared by her DD hence letting her rule the roost. . Her DD can't cope with being told what to do by an adult as has always been allowed to make her own choices. She has been excluded from one school for bad and violent behaviour and is very close to a permanent exclusion from her current school. She is currently living with her 20 yr old cousin as she can do what she wants. Social services don't seem bothered as she is living with a responsible family member. She has been on the phone in tears me to most days this week - it is like she is being made to choose husband or daughter - don't know how to help her or advise her what to do. She regrets the way she brought her children up now and her DD can be violent if she doesn't get her own way. She sees her twins and new husband as her second chance and her twins have rules and routine, but if she keeps her new family unit intact she loses her other DD.

[NiceFalafels]

What reasons has her DD given?

[NiceFalafels]

Has something major happened between the DD and DH?

[peppajay]

Her DD doesn't like being told what to do as she has always been able to do as she pleases. She admits at school as well she hates rules and will always do what she wants. He insists on respect and wants his twins brought up knowing right from wrong and she certainly doesn't know right from wrong but my friend never taught her. In my opinion she is extremely rude self centred and obnoxious. I hate saying it as really she is a vulnerable 14 yr old girl.

[springydaffs]

She can't leave her husband, she's married to him. She can't turn him off and on like a tap, he's a permanent fixture. So of course it's unreasonable for her daughter to insist she leave him or lose her.

Sadly, it's going to mean ' losing ' her daughter, at least for the foreseeable. I'm wondering if your friend is berating herself for being too lax but, in fact, her daughter may have been domineering (shock horror, some kids have behavioural problems which have no connection to the way they were parented). This crisis could have been waiting to happen somewhere asking the line.

If she's lucky she may have a decent adolescent behaviour team locally, at which she, and them all, may get the family input they need. Obvs the sf needs to tone things down a bit (all the very best when his twins get to teens) but it's all reached such a crisis they're going to need professional support and guidance.

I say if your friend is lucky bcs 1. The team may not exist locally or 2. they may exist but may be crap and make things worse she says bitterly. MH provision in this country is beyond crap these days.

She, they, may have to do what most of us have had to do: cobble what we can together and hope for the best.

[NotStoppedAllDay]

He's been in her life a considerable amount of time already? What's happened all of a sudden to make her move out?

Does she love her siblings?

How long has she been gone?

Ime the novelty will wear off, she'll miss everyone she will grow up a bit and she will return within the year

Your friend needs to play the long game.... keep communication open as well as the door

[catkind]

There isn't a decision to make there. It would not be good for the teen to let her think she can push people around like that. For her own good she needs to know that she is loved and welcome home any time, but the rules and the husband stay. Rules might be up for discussion if the DD thinks the curfew is unreasonable and can present a rational case e.g. later curfew when it's not a school night, and some give on the DD's side too like saying where she's going and when she'll be back. Other people's husband's are not up for negotiation.

I think your friend could also make sure and make clear that the rules are not just the husband marching in and laying down the law, but mum's rules for DD's own good. Has friend talked to the cousin? What is her take on it all?

[HeavenlyEyes]

So is he abusing your friend and the DD? He doesn't sound very nice tbh. And if you friend is such a dormouse then an easy victim for him don't you think?

[BratFarrarsPony]

or on the other hand the stepfather could be abusing the 14 year old stepdaughter? It's not unheard of , is it?

[Crumbs1]

How is 20 year old cousin funding her?
If you are paying/buying things stop and assert yourself.
If she becomes violent call the police - assault is a criminal offence.
There need to be rules put in placevand the sooner the better. Not unreasonable demands but agreed acceptable house rules. Things like going to school, coming home on time, not smoking or drinking, not being violent. Your husband may need to flex a bit if his rules are overly strict though.

[springydaffs]

Who said anything about abuse?

[Crumbs1]

Sorry I don't mean you I mean your friend

[BratFarrarsPony]

Crumbs read the OP properly - it is not her, it is her friend. So this story is second hand.

[NotStoppedAllDay]

Op never mentioned abuse but this is mumsnet where men are generally hated

[BratFarrarsPony]

no, not stoppedallday, nobody 'hates' men; I was just pointing out that neither we nor the OP know what really goes on in someone elses house. Now the 14 year old daughter obviously has very strong feelings about this stepfather, and I was just pointing out that there might be more to it than sitting down to eat.

[CondensedMilkSarnies]

Tell your poor friend to hold firm .

I had exactly the same with my DD - she went to live with her boyfriend aged 15 . SS were involved and said DD was crying to come home . I refused - I was not going to be blackmailed by a child who was abusive to me. It nearly finished me off and I sobbed every night . DD did come home when I eventually agreed , her behaviour still wasn't great but it did improve as she knew I meant business .

She's lovely now but it was pure hell at the time .

[springydaffs]

Well yes but let's not dive into the deep end absolutely immediately yet. Good to turn over the obvious stones first - and there are plenty of them - without assuming the sf is a paedo from the off.

..or that all children are innocent lambs who are the direct product of their parenting

[Caro486]

She needs to sit down with her daughter and talk openly and honestly with her. Her daughter should be her priority, not standing up for her husband. I wish when I was a 14 year old in the same position my mother had stood up for me.

[bert3400]

Why are some posters accusing the SF of abuse ?Ffs ... He is being a patent & has rules and discipline and the Daughter doesn't like it . I would tell your friend to stay supporting her husband..he is doing the right thing . Her daughter may be a cow but as long as her mum & SF keep communications open, she hopefully will realise that she needs her family, and actually they are OK

[NotStoppedAllDay]

Why does the mother need to 'stand up for her'

The step father is creating boundaries.... what should the mum do? Say no, no don't bother with boundaries DD....stay out as long as you like. Eat your food where and when you like'

[BratFarrarsPony]

bert the 14 year old daughter is a 'cow' and the stepfather is 'OK'...? And how do you know that exactly?

Nobody is accusing anybody of anything, just pointing out some alternative scenarios that are quite possible.

[cheekyfunkymonkey]

All sounds very dodgy. There's more to this. Kids don't have a reaction like that because they don't like a parenting style. Either something very bad happened between DD and her sf or DD has some sort of medical issue. You need to dig Deeper and get professionals Involved.

[NotStoppedAllDay]

But as I asked up thread.... these boundaries won't be a new thing.... step dad has been in her life a while now.

No cheeky because 14 year olds never push the boundaries and want to stay out later eh?

[AddToBasket]

This is one of those situations in which the mother needs to grow a fucking backbone.

No, DD cannot lay down the rules but nor can DH without good reason. DH will need to rethink a strict approach and DD will need to accept some rules.

[springydaffs]

Well obvs something is wrong but it's not necessarily that the sf is harming the daughter.

[Caro486]

I'm not saying for a moment that sf has done something wrong, and let's face it plenty of 14 yr old girls are hard work, but mother needs to show her daughter that she is a priority and will be listened to. I don't think it would all be blowing up over a few rules she didn't like, if everything else was going great at home.