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Relationships

DP's family's views getting me down :(

25 replies

Rinmybell · 10/12/2016 15:05

Hiya!
I'm going to try and explain this as best as possible as it does get a bit long and complicated!
DP and I are of different race. I have a 4 year old - who is not biologically DP's but he has raised him and is his dad for all intents and purposes.
We now have a very newborn DS2.
I have never met FIL. He is completely against the relationship and has said DP has destroyed their heritage, I've trapped him and that DP is uncultured and endangering the future of a dwindling culture.
MIL is a wet blanket and although hasn't got an issue with the relationship doesn't have the backbone to stand up for her son and his little family. She also has said some pretty unsavoury things to me/made me uncomfortable and challenged me about DS1's natural father - directly in front of DS1 which is totally not okay as he is NOT a part of his life, and for good reason.
DP did not notify parents of our relationship until we lived together however SIL, and other family members knew.
Whilst I was pregnant with DS2 FIL never made contact with DP and said some nasty things about all of us. MIL would contact him secretly. I felt very sorry for DP and went above and beyond to show him love as did my entire family.
Now DS2 has been born they are back in contact and quite frankly it's really pissed me off.
MIL plans to come up and stay for a weekend in the NY and DP has planned that late Christmas morning he will take DS2 over to meet them all and spend some time there.
When I was pregnant he was adamant they accepted me and DS1 or he would not be taking DS2 there, however this has all seemed to have changed, his parents are always calling him and asking for photos etc. I have not heard a word from any of them, I feel like a surrogate mother. I don't want to separate my children on Xmas day either. DP says it is fair because DS1 visits Grandparents from natural father for an afternoon every school holidays, and will do so a couple of days before Christmas so I cannot deny his parents access to DS2.
I feel so shut out. All of this because of my skin colour. DP has young siblings who are not allowed to come near me or DS1.
I feel like crying every time I think about the situation and I just don't know if I can cope with it for any longer.
I love DP but I can't tell if this is going to cause distress for the boys as they grow and quite frankly I don't want any of my children to ever feel left out. I feel so resentful towards DP and it's making me very snappy and it's all because I just feel alone and I guess a bit let down by him. I would never allow a family member of mine make him feel so shitty.
Should I be putting up with it because I love him? Or am I wrong for hoping this works out?

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magoria · 10/12/2016 15:46

I would not be letting your very new born DS2 go off to people who clearly have a problem with you because of your skin colour. DS2 is also a part of that.

This is worth having it out with your DP about. All of you (and treated politely) or none of you they come to yours.

Why should you split your family for bigots Christmas day to pander to a DP who is by doing this supporting their views.

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Cherrysoup · 10/12/2016 15:58

No way would I allow my new born out of my sight so racist idiots can drool over him. Don't tell me, it's all about the males in the family? Tell him no, it's a deal breaker. If they want contact, it's under your roof when you want, not when they do.

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BowBelle81 · 10/12/2016 16:10

You poor thing. What a bunch of absolute arseholes. I would be both furious and so upset.

In your shoes I would point blank refuse to your DP, and point out to him that it's not just about this year (though as you say, taking your newborn away from you on Christmas Day would be horrible), but you can't have a situation in the future where grandparents don't acknowledge their GC sibling because he's a different race. It's appalling, and there's no way if you let this happen they'll eventually come round to you and DS1 (imagine your DP might be hoping for this?). Selfish bigots don't change by being accommodated, they only ever change by being challenged. Sounds like your DP got that before, so perhaps he needs a bit of a wake-up to do it again (does he realise that you are really really upset about it? I mean I can't imagine he doesn't...)

(And stating the obvious but it's clearly very different from the situation with GPs of DS1. That's a completely false equivalence imo)

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Happybunny19 · 10/12/2016 16:21

No I would not entertain the idea of separating from my baby on Christmas day anyway, definitely not in these circumstances. Your dp needs to grow a spine and stick to what he agreed.

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scottishdiem · 10/12/2016 16:29

My DP is black. If any of my family were against that I would shut them off completely. Mother came close when liking the more insidious Britain First stuff on Facebook. Cousin was cut of for posting it and not acknowledging it. Mother changed tack completely and is not a problem.

Your DP needs to understand something. He cannot, should not make DS1 and DS2 see themselves as anything other as the same in the eyes of the family around them. Your DP is in danger of creating a difference between them in his eyes when they dont see it themselves.

Your DP needs to realise that his father is racist and that it cannot be pushed aside as a generational thing or a "well I have to allow it cause he is my dad" thing.

If your DP is allowing contact with a racist father then he may as well be racist as well. Its the difference between being non-racist and anti-racist. Your DP needs decide which one he is.

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happychristmasbum · 10/12/2016 16:32

NO NO NO!!!

This is totally fucking unacceptable.

I would tell DH he is welcome to visit his disgusting racist family on Christmas Day, but my child would not be exposed to them.

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Rinmybell · 10/12/2016 16:33

Sorry should have made clear, DS1 isn't accepted purely because he isn't biologically DP's. He is the same mix of heritage as DS2.
It is just my skin that is the issue.
I know I need to just put my foot down and say no but I fear this will cause an explosive row as DP hasn't seemed to grasp that this upsets me too.
If DP does not come around at all about the baby not going at Christmas or the invite is not extended too all four of us, what do I do then?

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TheOnlyColditz · 10/12/2016 16:47

Then you put your foot down, and tell him it is not happening

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happychristmasbum · 10/12/2016 16:49

Rin that has to be your call.

Personally I would lose all respect for DP if he couldn't see my POV and was keen to bow down to racists to appease them, whilst I had to hide in the shadows like a second class citizen. I couldn't continue in the relationship, but you have to make your own decision about how you want to live your life. Sad

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Naicehamshop · 10/12/2016 16:52

Totally stand your ground here. I know it's difficult, but if you don't it will get worse and worse year on year and will eventually break you/ destroy your relationship. You need to explain calmly and clearly to your dp exactly how you feel and how much this is upsetting you.

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Naicehamshop · 10/12/2016 16:53

If he doesn't listen, then unfortunately you have your answer... Sad

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magoria · 10/12/2016 16:56

I know it is very easy to say as it is not my relationship however an explosive row over a man willing to appease racists is necessary.

By taking your child while leaving you behind your P is agreeing with their opinion.

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Quintessing · 10/12/2016 16:59

A partner who condones that his racist family is shutting out his partner, is not a partner. In my book it would be an ex.

But you knew this, yet you continued to build a life with this man, and have children with him. This situation did not happen over night! You let it happen, by not putting your foot down with this man.

Did you really think this man was the right partner for you, and father/stepfather for your children?
But what is done is done, and you and your children need to live with it.

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RandomMess · 10/12/2016 16:59

Are DS1's paternal DPs bigoted racists that refuse to acknowledge you?

I suspect not because if they were I'm sure you wouldn't be facilitating contact would you..!

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BackforGood · 10/12/2016 17:12

I agree with Quint, tbh.
Why would you decide to have a child with someone, without resolving this issue first ? Confused

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Rinmybell · 10/12/2016 17:12

I didn't know this was the situation He hid me from the truth of his parents racism to try and protect me/our relationship for a whole year. I found out the truth a few months before I fell pregnant and was struggling with what this may mean for our future, but the pregnancy overshadowed a lot of my thoughts on this and we continued to live together and raise DS1 and our relationship is very good asides from this issue.
I didn't think it was fair too leave him for an opinion he didn't agree with - especially when he at the time was standing up for us. Why should he suffer because of his dad's ignorance?
Obviously now the issue is much more prominent then it was a year ago.

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SeekingTheLight · 10/12/2016 18:40

OP he is looking to appease them over your feelings.

I've had two cross cultural marriages and I can tell you that they will shut you out. If you let your newborn go on Christmas Day there will be no going back.

People like this don't come around, rarely if at all.

I have watched 2 grown men pander to their respective families above all else. It's horrible. But it's what it is in my case.

Tell your DP that it's all of you or nothing. Don't feel like a shadow. Stand up to him as this is WRONG and he is complicit in this.

These families are always toxic and destroy relationships, but in my experience the men choose the family they were born into.

So stand your ground or make exit plans. Being separated from your baby on Christmas Day is abhorrent however your DP wishes to present it.

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Orangebird69 · 10/12/2016 18:45

No fucking way OP. You're a package, a family. You come as a four or not at all. Do not become the wet blanket that your MIL has.

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tribpot · 10/12/2016 18:57

I think you need to protect your children from these people who (presumably) see them both as tainted by your blood, but are willing to tolerate your ds2 because of his father. No frigging way would I want a child of mine to be shunned or merely tolerated because of race.

Your DS1 visiting his GP several days before Christmas is not the same as your DS2 being taken to visit his on the day itself - with you and ds1 left behind. If your DP can't see that, you have a major problem.

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ThisThingCalledLife · 10/12/2016 19:30

I know I need to just put my foot down and say no but I fear this will cause an explosive row as DP hasn't seemed to grasp that this upsets me too

Your dp isn't racist - but his parents are. He needs to understand that - not just accept 'that's the way they are'.
He DOES NOT have to condone their abusive ways - which he is doing by taking the baby to see them.
If he can handle being abused and mistreated by his family that's one thing - but it isn't right and it isn't fair to throw dc into that pit of lunacy.

Your dp chooses to be with you so he needs to PROTECT you and your dc from racist abuse.
He needs to stand up to them, they don't have to like you but they do have to treat you with respect if they want to know their dgc.

Neither of you should be giving them the power to play 'divide and conquer' with your family.

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Rinmybell · 11/12/2016 00:03

We spoke about it tonight and it wasn't an explosive row at all, he completely agreed with me and he won't be taking the baby with him on Xmas day but will pop round to see his siblings for a while.
This is a battle that will be continued another day.
Thanks for all the advice as I wouldn't of brought it up with him otherwise X

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Itssosunny · 11/12/2016 00:18

It's very good you put your fut down OP. Please don't let your husband take the baby to his parents until they start respecting the whole family.

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BowBelle81 · 11/12/2016 07:40

Good for you OP. So glad he's on your side and it's worked out - and yes, round two will undoubtedly come, but sounds like he's got your back x

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Itssosunny · 11/12/2016 08:48

Foot not fut. How did I manage to write fut? Blush

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magoria · 11/12/2016 11:40

Do you get the feeling your DP is trying to please everyone and failing to please anyone?

Stick to your guns. Your DC having contact with people who think you are not worth their time or attention because of your skin colour should be non negotiable.

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