DH spa day with colleagues

[brownhairedlass]

NC for this, but I am a regular poster.

I would love some other perspectives on this, as I can't see the wood for the trees right now!

For background: My first DH cheated on me, throughout our 20 year relationship. Several women. I didn't know until the end and realised then, that he had gaslighted me the whole time.

This has resulted in me having huge trust issues with my subsequent relationships. The man I dated after ExH, got me pregnant and whilst pregnant I found out that he was also cheating on me. That pregnancy did not last and when I was losing the baby he was out on the town with OW.

Anyway, whilst that's all in the past, and I do trust my 2nd DH, I do sometimes have wobbles with trust. I try to keep this in check, but I do realise that I am somewhat "damaged" by these past relationships.

DH has his works Christmas "do" tonight at a gorgeous castle, some 2 hours away. There are 6 people going. 2 women (both single and very pretty) and 4 men. Given the distance, they all have rooms booked for the night. They travelled up today and were going to spend the afternoon together in the spa, sauna, jacuzzi, pool and having drinks, before the evening meal and disco. They will all get very, very drunk.

How would you feel about this? I feel a bit uncomfortable and wonder if yet again, it's my damaged side coming out!!

[Haggisfish]

I might feel a bit uncomfortable but would trust dh completely.

[Peppapogstillonaloop]

I would be fine with it, can understand why you Feel uncomfortable given your history but think you need to focus on whether or not you trust your DH? If you do then you are going to have to try to banish the concerns..

[Thewolfsjustapuppy]

I'd be pissed he was there without me but I do trust him around women in their skimpies

[brownhairedlass]

I forgot to add, that we have only DTD 4 times in 5 months (not my doing) which makes me a tad more uncomfortable.

[user1471439240]

There are 25 million females in Britain, he chose to be with you.
You mention pretty, he chose you.
Believe in yourself.

[AnyFucker]

If there are only 6 of them going, I don't understand why partners were not invited to this type of do

Tbh, my H would choose not to go to something like that without me. Large groups, yes. But 6 people is pretty intimate, IMO. An odd choice.

[Ellisandra]

Wouldn't be other me in the slightest.
I went swimming / sauna /dinner wit male colleague a couple of weeks back - business trip.
This week, my fiancé had a 3 hour dinner with a friend he has know for 20 years, who he even fancied a bit before he met his late wife.
We trust each other.

My XH cheated on me repeatedly by the way - you don't have to let that drag you down, so maybe counselling world help?

Your second post about sex though - I'm assuming that's a dwindling amount? There is no normal so I don't want to say that's not much - but a change is something to talk about.

On your first post I'd say - don't worry. On your second I'd say - trust your gut, and explore why you're finding it hard to trust right now. You trusted him enough to marry him - so you don't have insurmountable trust issues. So what is making you worry now?

[Pallisers]

I'd trust my husband in this situation but I wouldn't be particularly comfortable with it and could imagine nothing worse than going on a "party" like this myself. It is a pretty intense party for a work xmas do. This is the kind of thing I would do with very close friends - would absolutely hate to do it with work colleagues (especially in such a small group). I suppose it is normal now to sit in a jacuzzi in your bathing suit and get extremely drunk with the people you work with. It is odd in my opinion and the potential for behaviour that is ok in a social setting but not in work setting is enormous - drunken groping, comments etc.

[HandyWoman]

That sounds like a very intimate, personal, intense and indulgent Xmas party! Gorgeous castle 2 hrs away? 6 people? How odd. Am not surprised you are feeling uncomfortable. What sort of industry is he in? I find it weird.

[brownhairedlass]

The "do" was booked ages before someone suggested going earlier and having a spa afternoon. I think it was a non partners "do", because the organiser and some of the others are single (I can see that makes sense).

One of the single women is 20 years younger than me (age 27) and honestly, she is better looking than a super model, with a body to match. Don't get me wrong, I still feel attractive (for my age).

DH said something about my insecurities a few days ago, and it made me wonder how other women would feel about this spa? I think the consensus is that other women would be ok and I am being OTT (again).

[AnyFucker]

You are not being ott

And what do you mean by "again" ?

This sort of intimate gathering is normally done by close friends

Something not adding up here

[BipBippadotta]

Wow, that is a freaky-sounding Christmas work do - it sounds like the set up of a slasher film. 6 colleagues, away for the night in a creepy castle, wearing little, drinking lots... having a weird little mini-disco for 6...?

I'd be uncomfortable with this for a number of reasons to do with professional boundaries generally. Seeing more of someone's body than they would show to strangers on the street at the height of summer is, to me, an intimate thing - I would not at all like this to be part of my working life. I don't want to have to look at my manager's naked thighs or my assistant's bare chest, nor do I want them seeing my awful wobbly midriff. It is the stuff of hideous, awkward nightmares.

It's not surprising that this has you feeling weird; it is a weird situation. I don't think it's your trust issues or insecurities (you are not being OTT) or your DH's untrustworthiness, as much as a situation that seems inappropriately intimate to begin with.

As others have said, though, if you feel your sex life is dwindling and you're not happy about it, this is worth raising with your DH.

[Pallisers]

The consensus is not that it is normal though. I wouldn't be ok. I would trust my husband (but he doesn't drink. If he had form for getting very drunk and sloppy, I might be worried for all sorts of reasons).

Still, all things being equal, I wouldn't expect him to get off with a lovely woman in her 20s but I still think it is a bizarre xmas party and crosses the line from work appropriate in all sorts of ways. Six people are going swimming/spa-ing, drinking and disco-ing together simply because they work together.

Why did you husband ask you about your "insecurities"? OP? Was it in relation to this party? This isn't being insecure imo - you are simply baffled by the intimate nature of this work do.

[BubbleGumBubble]

I trust my DP or I don't.
It could be me going on the spa thing and i would be angry and hurt if I knew they were having issues because they did not trust me.

This kind of thinking can ruin a relationship as quickly as an affair can.

The sex life is a seperate issue. Men who cheat can be dtd with the wife 4 times a week yet still cheat. The amount of sex you have/do not have is not a good indication of a cheater.

I know its mot your fault OP [flowers

[BubbleGumBubble]

[brownhairedlass]

Wow, that is a freaky-sounding Christmas work do - it sounds like the set up of a slasher film. 6 colleagues, away for the night in a creepy castle, wearing little, drinking lots... having a weird little mini-disco for 6...?

Oh gosh, thank you, that gave me a real laugh (the first I've had in days).

When I say "again", I had a wobble about something recently that was innocent, but I read something in to it, that simply wasn't there.

I am entirely sure my DH wouldn't cheat, his libido has never been high. It took him ages to get up the confidence to sleep with me at the start, so he's not the type who could just grab a quick shag.

I just felt it was all a bit "cosy". I said it was a bit weird, he said that was my insecurities coming out, and that made me wonder if that was the case, or whether other women would balk at a spa day with colleagues. I don't trust my own judgment any more!!

[Lilacpink40]

OP are you worried that his libido would be heightened with another woman?

Personally I wouldn't suspect this from what you've said, but wonder if his lack of drive is making you doubt yourself?

[brownhairedlass]

I think you are right lilac. His lack of drive does make me question myself.

[Ohitdo]

Very weird. I would hate to spend a day in a spa with colleagues. It's all a bit intimate isn't it.

There are plenty of drunken fumbles at works parties so add in lack of clothes as well and I would say it is inevitable at least a couple will get off with each other.

Not saying your dp would as from what you say he is trustworthy. I still wouldn't like it though.

[brownhairedlass]

My sex drive is high (ish), I'd like it at least 4 times a week, his is low (imo), like once a month is ok.

[brownhairedlass]

But then I wonder, is only low with me! Aargh!

[Haggisfish]

We should swap partners!

[brownhairedlass]

Only if you are a man, ha ha

[brownhairedlass]

Oops got that wrong!

[SwedishEdith]

What's his/their job(s)? It's definitely a weird do.