Is love enough…..
Just wondering what your thoughts are on this. I’m engaged to a wonderful man but unfortunately we have a long distance relationship (both single parents with sole residence with school age children). We have been together for over 5 years.
Next year was supposed to be the year that myself and my DD move to live with him. Aside from the fact that my DD is now not keen (she is 13) there are other factors that are starting to concern me. Hence me wanting to know if ‘love’ is enough of a reason to make the move.
My fiancé is a truly lovely man, kind and caring and loves me to bits. But, the reasons I am getting worried about the move are several.
1, He has two sons, 17 & 19 both still at home. The 17 yo is doing an arts access course at school having failed his exams. 19 yo did a 2 yr HND type science course which finished in June 2015 and has not got a job yet. He has tried to get various apprenticeships but not yet succeeded and tbh is always too late when applying and misses the boat. He has had an interview for 1 job in all this time but didn’t get it but aside from that, nothing. I know DP is frustrated by his DS’s reticence in getting work but when I suggest DS signs on at the job centre he baulks at this. There seems to be a lack of motivation on the son’s part and not much butt kicking from his dad. I am SO frustrated by this – especially when my DD’s have all gone to grammar schools and are conscientious pupils/students. 1 now at Uni and the other going next year.
2, I am planning to sell my house (the family home – I will have two DD’s at University by the time we move) , give up my job, leave family and friends and make my DS3 change school/leave friends etc etc. DP’s house is to be frank, a bloody tip. I know we have said that we will decorate it once Im down but honestly, it needs far more than a lick of paint. The kitchen is a jumble of units from the 80’s, there is mould in the bedrooms, the lounge has a goddawful fireplace which looks like its from the 1940s even though the house was built in the 80s. Plus there is junk everywhere. His office which is part of a converted garage – well you literally have to climb over stuff to get to his desk. I have asked where my stuff will go when we move and he just laughs it off and says I will clear you some space in the garage. I know he’s just joking but Im getting a bit annoyed because I have to get my own house ready to sell (DIY jobs which I have asked if he can help me with but he is slow off the mark with those) so I don’t think its unreasonable that he start thinking about where our stuff will go and what preparations he can make prior to us moving. We are only talking about 6-7 months time after all.
3, He lives on his parents farm and works for them but only on an hourly rate. Whilst they can’t do without him (they are both in their early 70s) they won’t hand over the reins to him and his brother (batchelor who still lives with parents at 40 yrs old) – GOD! So, he doesn’t exactly have a great income but whilst his kids have been at school he has managed ok with the help of WTC/CTC. Because he hasn’t know anything else, he is used to having his parents make all the decisions but I am not sure if I can hack that. Can you imagine having your mum/dad as essentially your bosses and ones who make ridiculous financial/business decisions? (He lives in a tied house so he doesn’t pay rent so I guess it puts him in a difficult position as he can’t really tell them to stuff it as they essentially provide a roof). We had always hoped/planned that we would run the farm together. There is also a campsite which could be something really special too. His parents are still humming and harring over bringing the two sons into the business so it doesn’t look like anything will happen anytime soon.
All this sounds so negative, but it’s the practicalities of the situation that I am getting overwhelmed with.
Yes we will have a lovely life together – eventually. He lives in a beautiful part of the world and it is my dream for us to be together and live the good life! But if things aren’t right when I move down i.e. his DS’s (will they ever leave home???) will I just build up resentment about everything I’ve given up?
I have told him I am confused about things – ok, mainly its because of my DD not wanting to move down (her father has said he can go and live with him and she seems happy with this – of course I am not) but these extra things are making me feel like its not the right time anymore.
So, is love enough? I don’t think I will ever find someone who loves me like he does – nor do I want to - we are very compatible. I do love him very much but right now I can’t see past the realities of the move.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Is love enough?
bananarama75 · 09/12/2016 15:34
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.