Bickering with DH - how can I improve weekends as this is not fun?

[SecretMagicThings]

Together with DH for 15 years. We were happy before having DC (we have two aged 6 and 3) but since DC, especially DC2 we just don't seem to get on .

I feel that any time we spend together as a family (or rare time alone as a couple) is spent stressed and bickering. Not in front of DC but their behaviour always seems worse when we are both off together.

I'm starting to think this is ridiculous and can't continue. We've talked about it loads but nothing changes. Fault on both sides I'm sure.

Common arguments:-
Mess - he hates it, I do try to be tidy but think it's part of life with DC
Activities on weekends - he says we do too much but when I ask what he wants to do he basically wants to relax (watch telly etc) in a way that I do not think is compatible with youngish DC
Play dates - again, he doesn't like them because of the mess which I just think is fucking miserable.
Work - he's full time and I know he feels I have an easier ride as I am part time - money is tight but manageable and the part time thing is an agreed decision which he says he supports.
Discipline- I think he's too harsh; he thinks I'm too weak.

But... we love each other, compromise on activities at the weekend and things can be really good. Sex life has improved recently. I'm sure there is a way to improve this but with another weekend stretching ahead we are both miserable. It shouldn't be like this :(

[Bagina]

I hear you!!! I think you're nearly out of the woods so hang in there! Dc2 is a threenager; it's still hard and her behaviour leads to stress and arguments, then the constant fighting between dc.

I've started saying to dh, what do you want this weekend to look like? Then we come up with a plan together. We do a morning activity with the dc, to wear them out if nothing else. I think we both know what each other's expectations are and can try and accommodate each other.

I hate the mess but to make it more bearable we've thrown out all the unplayed with and broken toys so everything can be tidied in a few boxes really quickly.

Dh likes to have a few beers and watch the footie in the afternoon but he knows that this comes with sitting on the floor doing jigsaws, colouring or whatever. Your dh seems a bit unrealistic and selfish regarding the kids. Weekends are still about entertaining the kids whilst trying to snatch a bit for ourselves too.

Sorry don't think that was too helpful! I could just relate! I think it's so much harder in the winter.

[SecretMagicThings]

No, it was helpful thank you. Actually sitting together at some point with a bottle of wine maybe and planning the weekend is a good idea.

I actually find it harder in summer as the kids want to be out playing with their friends constantly. I think this is amazing and what life is about. He gets miserable and says they are out past their bedtime. Really wonder if we are compatible at all sometimes.

I think DH would sit and play with the DC while watching telly etc but then the two DC fight.

We have a rare morning off together. I am being completely unreasonable as Friday mornings are my free time without work or children which keeps me sane. He has taken he day off work but has made no plans and we have argued because I said I didn't want to go for a run together! Ugh.

[HalfShellHero]

I could have written this post OP yy with kids being worse when we are together having an awful time of it atm, not really advice just to say your not alone..

[Bagina]

Don't even go there with the wfh arguments!! Space invader!!

I think people do handle the stress of children differently. I'm the more uptight one here. I find it relentless. I think 3 is still a hard age. I also get very tired and like my own company a lot!!!

[alotlikeChristmas16]

i could've written this post too op - 2 DC, 6 and 2 and DH would like to smile benevolently at them whilst watching rugby etc. I think it's a small but intense phase of life, try and do small acts of kindness for each other so that you're both more willing to compromise.

[gleam]

If you regularly have Friday morning off for yourself, can't dh have Saturday afternoon for himself?

Take the kids out Saturday morning to tire them out (hopefully!) and then they can have 'quiet time' in the afternoon. Can they play in their bedrooms, nap or perhaps bake with you? Dh gets a couple of hours relaxing with the TV.

[TheNaze73]

The problem here, is you don't get enough time to yourselves. I'd go crazy without time to what I want to do, as would my partner. If you're fulfilled alone, it's 9/10ths of what you need to be happy as a couple

[LadyHood]

Also could have written your post op!

It would annoy me if DH took a day off for no reason and it was on a day I was off if we didnt have plans to do something I feel terrible for saying that but its true.

[SecretMagicThings]

gleam, he has every Saturday morning to himself while I take the DC to their activity. He also regularly has half an hour to an hour in the evenings while I do their bath unless I'm working late. Believe me, if we are measuring leisure time, he wins.

Plus I routinely take them out on my own for play dates etc. He never does this.

alot has it with the smiling benevolently. Does my head in.

We've just argued after trying to have a calm discussion. I now have about half an hour left of my sacred free time (am very grateful for this I should say) which I will spend doing work emails. Have lost my whole morning off and am massively grumpy .

[bummymummy77]

Feeling your pain. I stay at home with 3 year old ds and get no time to myself . If dh ever takes him it's so I can catch up on barn chores or clean the house. The last time I had time to myself that didn't involve cleaning etc was two hours in July.

We constantly bicker. About money, about mess, his family. Ugh, if it wasn't for ds sometimes I very much doubt I'd still be around.

So no advice, just sympathy.

[alotlikeChristmas16]

i'm wondering if my DH has a secret double life at this point :) does he have a matryr mum who did everything for everyone? My MIL's top tip was to do the ironing in the middle of the night and pandered constantly to FIL, bad role models and differing generational expectations have a lot to answer for. My mum says I'm lucky DH isn't in the pub til 2am regularly as my Dad was when we (all 4 of us) were small! You can only try and laugh, it will get easier when they're able to do more independent play.

[SecretMagicThings]

I have to say that he does clean the house once a week and is tidier than me. bummymummy, I'm not sure we can really justify the money but my 3.5 hours a week termtime that I get has made such a massive difference to me. Most of the time I study, do work bits or shop but to do that without DC is amazing! Once every 2 months or so I take the morning completely for myself.

Realistically we will make up later as I hate long arguments and want to have sex tonight but I really need to find a way to stop having the same argument.

It definitely seems as if I'm not alone! Thanks for all replies.

[Adora10]

So not right that he checks out of family life and leaves most of the work to you, just cos others suffer useless men doesn't make it right.

And the bickering will impact on your kids, it's not fair.

Fighting over the state of the house and how to raise the kids is not trivial, it's massive imo, you both need to sit down and agree who does what and when and agree to spend quality family time together without fighting. Sorry but I have no sympathy for men who make their women feel bad for staying home raising the kids, would he rather you worked and he had to pay for a nanny, it shouldn't even be mentioned, he sounds very rigid, in everything.

[SecretMagicThings]

Adora, that's exactly it, rigid .we have sort of made up but I have said we need to sit down with a bottle of wine tonight and have a plan for weekends and who does what etc.

Bagina, any tips from the other side if you say you are the uptight one?

[Stormtreader]

It sounds rather like hes saying "I want my life to be exactly the same as it was before the kids, please run yourself ragged so that I get that".

[SecretMagicThings]

Well he knows he has upset me and has taken DD2 out so I can do some study and have an easy pick up of DD1 from school so maybe some progress. I've said to him if we are both off today then we need to share childcare. I told him I have 5000 words to write for studying and he seemed a bit shocked, even though I have told him this repeatedly.

storm, there is a bit of that. It's also that he has this idealised idea of family time where we all get on and we do fun educational things and we don't argue and the DC don't bicker. No idea how to get to that point or if t fact it is even possible!

I'm sure I'm at fault too. I see other people sharing the load with their partner and having fun together and wish that could be us.

[SocksRock]

3yos and weekends are hard work. Mine are now 9,6 and 4, and life is just starting to get easier as I can do stuff like craft and bake with them without having to hover constantly and the house turning into a bombsite. They are also old enough to help with chores on a Saturday morning like tidying their room and putting laundry away which helps my freakishly tidy DH relax a bit as he can see them pitching in.

[Kr1stina]

It sounds rather like hes saying "I want my life to be exactly the same as it was before the kids, please run yourself ragged so that I get that"

This

[FranHastings]

Our weekends are miserable too. I'm watching this thread with interest.

[Trifleorbust]

I don't think it's unreasonable for him to feel his weekends have too much planned activity/structure. You are obviously working hard with the kids during the week but you have a level of flexibility about how you spend your time that he doesn't have, and he wants to spend his weekends relaxing a little more than he is doing now. Am I getting this wrong? As long as he isn't expecting to sit and do nothing while you run round after the kids, and what he is objecting to is constant activities, I have a certain amount of sympathy.

[rookiemere]

It is hard when they are young ( and we only have one DC).

If it's any help OP, all those other happy families that you see - I bet they have the snippy conversations and simmering resentments just like the rest of us.

It sounds like you are doing everything you can - I'm p/t too and as DS is at school I try to ensure that DH gets equal leisure time - he goes away for weekends much more often than me.

I think just keep pushing your point and accept that life with small DCs is not all it's cracked up to be.

[Bagina]

God, I'm not in any place to give advice at the moment. Having a pretty shit time relationship wise!

As the uptight one I've had to adjust my expectations. The kids will make a mess etc so as I said, I've made that bearable by reducing toys and I know it can all be tidy within 5 minutes. If I want something uber clean or tidy then don't moan, just do it myself. My dh isn't a man child but he just seriously doesn't care about much regarding the house. He does stuff but I reckon it's mostly to keep me happy, but really he doesn't see the point of doing it.

He's late for everything, loses everything, doesn't retain any information etc etc so this is why I'm also so uptight, so probably not comparable to your relationship with 2 fully functioning adults! I don't know if things only change if both parties work full time out of the house???

[Trifleorbust]

Ignore the above if you are working full-time - clearly didn't read it properly! It's still okay for him to want to run his weekends differently, as long as he isn't leaving childcare to you.

[SecretMagicThings]

Trife, no you make a really valid point and I am part time. I think my problem is that I am totally the default parent so that if we are all in the house he does relax and I end up looking after the kids. He expects us all to sit and do nothing which is totally unrealistic with my children unless they have been run ragged at other times. He also works some weekends and runs so we have talked and said that we need to plan in advance weekends that we would just relax or do family things. socks you have given me hope, thank you!

rookie you are probably right . One of the mums at school said she had the exact same arguments and I would never have guessed from the outside.

It's frustrating because if we take the DC out of the equation (that sounds really cold and clinical but hopefully it makes sense) then our relationship is ok and we have both made an effort to improve things between us.

[SecretMagicThings]

I guess this is selfish but I would just love it if I could be looking forward to him coming home in the evening. Instead I dread it sometimes as he will complain about the mess (it is usually messy to be fair), the DC will play up as it is the end of the day, and he will be saying he's tired from work and so then everyone is grumpy.