DH had a terrible childhood abroad. Lots of death of loved ones, poverty and being passed from relative to relative until he was 16, when he escaped in the back of a truck to Europe.
There was nothing around at the time to help him, so he's morphed into an adult who quite obviously has PTSD and a range of other issues, but who refuses to acknowledge them.
This of course causes problems in our relationship. I want to give a couple of examples of what he has done:
- My Nan died, suddenly, who I was very close to. DH was very involved in helping my family through the death and the admin and the funeral. He was an unbelievable star. We had a holiday booked months in advance, which meant we would fly out just after the funeral. I wanted to still go and be able to relax, get over things and DH blew up (shouting and screaming) about what a terrible person I was, how I must not have loved her at all, how I must be a psychopath for not observing any sort of grief period. It soon became evident that this was not about the holiday but that DH was looking for an excuse to get angry with someone because the death had triggered something within him. The awful part was, I WAS grieving, but there suddenly became no room for my grief, only his anger. So I was coping with losing my nan, on top of being shouted and screamed at for days and trying to comfort him.
- I had a lot of pain straight after DS2 was born. I could barely walk or stand, so my attention had to turn to the bare minimum - caring for DS1 and for myself. DH had to work. However, the change of having DS2 and my usual attention having to briefly decrease to the minimum set DH off. Lots of shouting and storming about like a spoilt brat saying "what about me? You don't care about me anymore." So again, on top of terrible pain, a newborn and a needy toddler, I had to comfort and infantalise DH. Again, he was triggered.
- DH fell out with a client. The client asked to have a meeting with him so they could sort things out and asked DH to bring a mediator. DH asked me so I went. In the waiting room, DH told me that I must agree with him on every point or be silent, and to not take the side of the client. I reminded him I was there as mediator to try and sort it out so both of them were happy. Out of nowhere, again, he started yelling at me, about how I don't support him, have no loyalty, I don't believe in him, that he's sure I would take the client's side, and that his own wife was "allied with the enemy" etc. It was almost as if he needed to offset his emotions before the meeting and decided it was much safer to do it with me. So out of nowhere, I got the full brunt of his anger with his client. (The meeting went right as rain, btw, because DH had vented before he went in.)
He does all of these things in public and in front of my family too. There is no different private/public persona. His reactions are quite spontaneous and un-thought- through. Very childish, basically.
The irony of all of this is that he is beyond wonderful in many ways. He would do anything for me and the kids or my family. When Nan died he was there at the moment it happened, making us all cups of tea, liaising with the hospital staff. He is the first to unblock a drain, drive out in the middle of the night to rescue someone who has had a breakdown, or take on the jobs that no-one else wants to do. He will always do the grunt work, the manual labour. He has bought both my parents and I a house and put them in our names.
ie, there is not an intention there to be like this, and this is what pulls me back from LTB every time.
But I also cannot carry on having the verbal and emotional shit kicked out of me every time something triggering happens. I can't see a lifetime of this. I have visions of being hooked up to a chemo drip in my 60s being treated for some aggressive cancer, and DH in the room with me ranting and raving at me - all because he feels threatened/insecure/triggered.
He will not acknowledge he is like this, so there is not even a first step towards getting help. He wants to lock himself in our house, never see people and never come out - that's his idea of security - hiding from all the threats. And of course, he wants me and the DC in there with him.
I suppose I'm asking - do you think there is a way to ride this out? Sometimes I can block out the shouting and I can remind myself that it is not me. But it is so exhausting. I am 35 now and have the energy to deal with him, but 50, 60, 70? I want peace.
) is not acceptable, regardless what's happened to him.